When Girls Telephone Girls

[salty pretzils]

Mmph. Just a brief poem I wrote the other day--I was wondering what you thought.

We fight.
Pressing the phones to our faces,
Sweating cheeks, aching heads
A clammy battle of voices and wires.

~~~~

And we crash forwards
Creating the tides of anger
In our turbulent seas of ideals.
But, like us, it batters against rock.
What?
Complacency? Solidarity?
Comprimise or weakness?

~~~~

Whatever our fine feelings,
Our anger is dragged under.
We ripple feebly at each other
Because if we feel pain
We can feel we're still fighting.

Milz

[oddveteran93]

errr.....that's nice I guess

[Abeguy]

erm...yeah, what a topic

[salty pretzils]

Well, that was constructive. So, how do you delete topics?

[Elodie]

The composition is well placed, and if I knew what it was like to be a girl telephoning another girl I might be able to comment more.

However there is one suggestion, what does the poem sound like if you change the last two lines around a bit?

Because if we feel pain
We can feel we're still fighting.

----------------

Because if we're still fighting
We can still feel pain.

I know it's your poem, and perhaps my suggestion is not what you had in mind, I understand because literature can be very personal, and any alteration can have a different meaning.

[Slaveless]

I never knew that girls telephone calls were so... hateful. But anyway, I love the vocabulary and the mini saying in the end. Very describitive.

EDIT: I'm sorry if I insulted you in any way. *kneeling*

[salty pretzils]

The composition is well placed, and if I knew what it was like to be a girl telephoning another girl I might be able to comment more.

However there is one suggestion, what does the poem sound like if you change the last two lines around a bit?

Hey, thanks! By the way, this probably isn't what normal girls sound like when they telephone each other--as Rexy can tell you, I'm hardly normal But thank you, I'll change that when I get time.
And ta, Slaveless. Much love.

[outlaw king]

* sniffs * sob ! That poem really touched me! I dont know how , it just did.