When Girls Telephone Girls
Mmph. Just a brief poem I wrote the other day--I was wondering what you thought.
We fight. Pressing the phones to our faces, Sweating cheeks, aching heads A clammy battle of voices and wires. ~~~~ And we crash forwards Creating the tides of anger In our turbulent seas of ideals. But, like us, it batters against rock. What? Complacency? Solidarity? Comprimise or weakness? ~~~~ Whatever our fine feelings, Our anger is dragged under. We ripple feebly at each other Because if we feel pain We can feel we're still fighting. Milz |
errr.....that's nice I guess
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erm...yeah, what a topic
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Mph.
Well, that was constructive. So, how do you delete topics?
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The composition is well placed, and if I knew what it was like to be a girl telephoning another girl I might be able to comment more.
However there is one suggestion, what does the poem sound like if you change the last two lines around a bit? Because if we feel pain We can feel we're still fighting. ---------------- Because if we're still fighting We can still feel pain. I know it's your poem, and perhaps my suggestion is not what you had in mind, I understand because literature can be very personal, and any alteration can have a different meaning. |
I never knew that girls telephone calls were so... hateful. But anyway, I love the vocabulary and the mini saying in the end. Very describitive. ;)
EDIT: I'm sorry if I insulted you in any way. *kneeling* |
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And ta, Slaveless. Much love. :D |
* sniffs * sob ! That poem really touched me! I dont know how , it just did.
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