Joke Thread v4

[Crashpunk]

God sake. Everyone's making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

[OddjobAbe]

Anne Frank had some very interesting little annexdotes.

[STM]

I never really liked Putin.

I prefer Chamber Pot...

[scrabface]

To be read in your best "hoarse, beard-muffled rabbi" voice

A Jewish couple are soon to be married, but the man's fiancée is far more Orthodox than he is. The wedding is to be held at her ultra-Orthodox synagogue. The man loves his wife-to-be dearly, so he gets up early the day before the wedding to meet with her rabbi and make sure he doesn't do anything wrong.

The rabbi is strict but fairly helpful, and most of the man's concerns about the wedding are quickly dealt with. There are, however, a few contentious issues.

"At the wedding, will I be able to eat with my wife?"
"No! At an Orthodox wedding, the men eat with the men, and the women eat with the women."
"Oh, that's a shame. Still, I'll look forward to our dance. Can I dance with my wife?"
"In the house of God? Never! At an Orthodox wedding, the men dance with the men, and the women dance with the women!"
"Good gracious! I'm starting to doubt I'll be able to do anything with my wife at all. What about the wedding night... ?"

The rabbi raises an eyebrow and leans back in his chair.

"You have... concerns?"
"I suppose. I mean, positions..."

The man blushes a little.

"I take it that the missionary position, man on top; That's fine, is it."
"Yes, of course."
"And if she's on top, that's okay?"
"Yes, that's fine."
"Okay... What about if I'm behind her?"
"Well, there's nothing in the scrolls against it. You'll be married, after all."

They both smile slightly.

"Yes, I suppose you're right. Heck, we might even do it standing up!"

The rabbi's smile collapses, he slams his hands on the desk, and shouts:

"Absolutely not! That could lead to dancing!"

oh i love this one

[MeechMunchie]

00:32 - Sr. Meechio: I'm getting my groove on as we speak.
00:32 - Sr. Meechio: I've got platform shoes and everything.
00:35 - Kalzari: XD hahahaha I bet that looks funny
00:36 - Sr. Meechio: I'll have you know they're the "height" of fashion

Ladykiller.

[Nate]

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

[MeechMunchie]

Me and my wife have been married for 60 years. The secret?

Every week, we both eat out at the nicest restaurant in town.

She goes on Tuesday, I go on Friday.

[Steamer_KING]

Me and my wife have been married for 60 years. The secret?

Every week, we both eat out at the nicest restaurant in town.

She goes on Tuesday, I go on Friday.

Old, but gold.

[Jbot123]

What do cats eat for breakfast?
Yo mama
-Que drum & cymbal crash-

Why was the Tomato red?

Because he saw the salad dressing!

Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk

[Crashpunk]

Why was the Tomato red?

Because he saw the salad dressing!

Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk

You should feel terrible.

[Jbot123]

This forum needs more humor.

I like my women how I like my coffee...

Without a fucking penis

[Ridg3]

You clearly have no idea what type of women I'm into, huh?

[Varrok]

I'm afraid that your definition of a "woman" might be incorrect, then

[Ridg3]

That may be so, but it's my perception that counts.

[V_O_T]

Not sure if these have been posted, but some personal favourites of mine I tell to the ladies when I'm on the prowl:


What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic child get for christmas?
Cancer

What did Helen Keller name her dog?
Hurrblurrhehahoshrghuururhghgghhmmmnnnnhhughh

What is worse than a dead babie?
10 dead babies
Whats worse than 10 dead babies?
A semi truck full of dead babies.
Whats worse than that?
1 is alive at the bottom of the pile
what is worse than that??
Its trying to eat its way out
What is worse than that???
He gets bitten by a recluse spider on the way out.

----

what do you call a deer with no eyes?
no idea.
What do you call a frozen deer with no eyes?
still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes on its period.
still no bloody idea.

Here are some pick up lines:

Nice shoes! they'd look good in my pants.

and

Are you from heaven? because i've got an erection.

[Nate]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Decode.
Decode who?
Decode in my nose is getting worse.

[scrabface]

What do you call a deer with no eyes on its period.

*sigh* a deer doesn't have a menstrual cycle

[V_O_T]

*sigh* a deer doesn't have a menstrual cycle

The deer in Chile do.

[Nate]

*sigh* a deer doesn't have a menstrual cycle

So what happens to a doe who isn't impregnated whilst she's fertile?




Or were you calling attention to the deer/doe sex mismatch?

[scrabface]

So what happens to a doe who isn't impregnated whilst she's fertile?



Or were you calling attention to the deer/doe sex mismatch?

only primates do have a menstrual cycle. other mammals have estrous cycles.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstruation_(mammal)

The deer in Chile do.

and no, they don't.

[V_O_T]

only primates do have a menstrual cycle. other mammals have estrous cycles.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstruation_(mammal)



and no, they don't.

You know way to much about deer vaginas. And knowing is half the battle.

[Mr. Bungle]

Scrabface ruined the thread. Not that it was that great to begin with. But he fucking killed it.

[Josh]

Oh deer.

[MeechMunchie]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

[Phylum]

You're as bad as people who try to tell the binary joke aurally.

[scrabface]

Scrabface ruined the thread. Not that it was that great to begin with. But he fucking killed it.

I've never been prouder of myself.

I know, posting a video is a little bit cheating, but the way he tells that joke is so good.

[GLaDOS]

I found this thing.




Not sure where I should show you guys.

[Phylum]

This is Bits and Pieces material.

[Jbot123]

Roses are red,
My name is Dave.
This poem makes no sense microwave
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was 3 guys stranded in the mountains and they weren't going to
be rescued for 3 days. So they all made a plan that each night one
would get the food. So the first night the 1st guy goes out and comes
back with a big deer. So the guy who was huntin tomorrow ask for
advice on how to catch another one, and the guy said see tracks,
follow tracks, BAM!! shot the deer... So the next night the 2nd guy
went out and came back with an even bigger deer than the 1st guys,
and the 3rd guy was amazed so he asked how he could catch one like
that for the next night. And the guy told him see tracks, follow
tracks, BAM!! shot the deer... The next night the 3rd guy went out to
get a deer and comes back hours later all beat up and bloody, so the
the other 2 guys ask what happen. And the guy said i seen tracks,
followed tracks, BAM!! got hit by train.

[Wings of Fire]

No.