The following are actual medical records ...

One, Two, Middlesboogie · #1 01-03-2002, 08:00 PM

...taken from patients' charts around North America.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Male patient insists that his HIV was inherited, and not from sexual activity.

Disgruntled Intern · #2 01-03-2002, 08:35 PM

eh.......maybe i'm just slow...no...nope, not funny!

Joe the Intern · #3 01-03-2002, 08:40 PM

Hahahaha! Those were hilarious!

Gluk Schmuck · #4 01-03-2002, 09:37 PM

It's so funny I think my lover will explode!

One, Two, Middlesboogie · #5 01-24-2002, 08:47 AM

I found some more!

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Smith to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
Admitted in error.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Jones, who felt that we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

oddite4456 · #6 01-26-2002, 03:13 AM

Hahaha! I can't believe those are actually records!