The following are actual medical records ...
 

...taken from patients' charts around North America.

• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
  
• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
  
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
  
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
  
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
  
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
  
• Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
  
• She is numb from her toes down.
  
• While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  
• Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
  
• Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
  
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
  
• Male patient insists that his HIV was inherited, and not from sexual activity.
  

eh.......maybe i'm just slow...no...nope, not funny! :p

Hahahaha! Those were hilarious!

It's so funny I think my lover will explode!

I found some more!

• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
  
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
  
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
  
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
  
• I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
  
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
  
• The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Smith to dispose of him.
  
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  
• The patient refused an autopsy.
  
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
  
• The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
  
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  
• The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
  
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  
• Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
  
• Skin: somewhat pale but present.
  
• Admitted in error.
  
• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Jones, who felt that we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  
• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
  
• Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

Hahaha! I can't believe those are actually records!