Okay. 'What if' scenario: You have diarrhea from a cold gotten by not wearing warmer clothes for the current weather. At the same time, your butt is constipated from a gorging on bacon and cheese a day earlier. The mass of vicious half-turd seemingly erupting from some arcane portal out of every pore for half a second before descending painlessly out of your butt and being left with a mysterious but irreducibly warm and pleasant feeling much like meeting the first friendly rays of summer sun in...