Funeral Fun

Well, not fun, but a relief to get out of the way. And I was feeling very peopled out for the whole day. Yesterday was the first time in a long while I’ve felt bad for not being being more sociable. It’s as though my dad’s death gave me an excuse to be insular. I figured that neither me nor anyone else could expect me to know how to behave, so I happily let myself keep to myself.

Not that I don’t love my family to pieces. In fact, the opposite. It’s just that I don’t know what to do with that love. My parents were hardly models for expressing emotions. In fact, amongst the stories I’ve enjoyed learning over recent days is that my parents were married for more than half a decade before my mum’s pregnancy with me forced them to reveal it to their respective families. They were never ashamed or secretive. They just never brought it up before then.

Now apart from decided what to do with the ashes all that remains is the dirty work: informing the banks and utilities, tidying the house, and attempting to finish my dad’s business affairs tidily. This is not fun, and like university work I’ve been unmotivated and procrastinatey.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to the house. It should think it’s mine, and I’m technically the only inhabitant, but because my dad died intestate, it will have to go to probate. The mortgage company probably won’t want to transfer the mortgage to my name because I’m a student and not earning, and if they did I wouldn’t be able to afford it. My mum wants to move out of her flat, so she might consider moving back there. This wouldn’t be a bad idea. It would save having to move the cats, which is why I convinced her not to take them with her when she initially moved out.

I think maybe that with the funeral and wake out of the way, I have passed a milestone. But I don’t know what the means. I had great trouble sleeping last night and felt kinda rotten this morning. But then I realized it was because I ate so much so soon before going to bed. I’m kind of worried I can take all this so stoically. That’s the one thing everyone says about how I’ve been handling everything these last couple of weeks, but they say it proudly and complimentfully. But I’m not flattered. Just stoic.