The Complete Military History of France

Fez · #1 04-05-2004, 10:29 AM

Gallic Wars
Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War
Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

Italian Wars
Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion
France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War
France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Revolution
Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War
Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession
Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution
In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution
Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars
Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War
Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I
Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II
Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina
Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion
Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism
France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's

Esus · #2 04-05-2004, 10:35 AM

Go to Google.com
Type "French Military Victories" without the "'s. Read it carefully.

SeaRex · #3 04-05-2004, 10:49 AM

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Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

Ouch! Now that is harsh.

Majic · #4 04-05-2004, 11:41 AM

Yes, it's a commonly known fact that France is quite wimpy when it comes to military powers. But really, you're quite obsessive over military, guns, etc... France is actually somewhat interesting, once you get past the fact they're pansies.

Codek · #5 04-05-2004, 12:00 PM

Haha, france are panzies LOL. Yeah ok Majic whatever you say.

France, as I recall, have the worlds most feared special forces, some of the most modern weapons and equipment systems in the world, and one HELL of an airforce. I REALLY wouldn't like to go to war with france, considering they power the majority of europe with their nuclear power plants, have enough nuclear weapons to wipe out half the face of earth at once, and could easily tackle any incoming US airstrike.

But looking beyond the fact that France are actually quite worryingly overpowered, it's a very interesting culture and country.

the brew master · #6 04-05-2004, 09:17 PM

i totally agree with ya death

Fez · #7 04-06-2004, 07:10 AM

SAS are better.... The French GIGN are well trained, but none are better the the British SAS (could be argued).

The French are currently using the GIAT FAMAS S1, probably the best rifle they've ever made. (Remember the Chau-Chat?)

They do have a good airforce and navy though. They just dont use it.

Codek · #8 04-06-2004, 10:02 AM

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SAS are better.... The French GIGN are well trained, but none are better the the British SAS (could be argued).

The French are currently using the GIAT FAMAS S1, probably the best rifle they've ever made. (Remember the Chau-Chat?)

They do have a good airforce and navy though. They just dont use it.

They use it SO much! Haven't you ever been to a french airshow? MAN! THEY HAVE THE EUROFIGHTER! DUDE! Now THAT is an aircraft!

*ahem*

The French Foreign Legion was actually what I was talking about ferill - they are the most feared and respected special forces in the world. Basically, the majority of the guys in the FFL are 7 foot tall, built like a brick shit house, and have arms the width of tree trunks.

So in other words: Yeah they are slightly scary. Just in general, france are not the ideal opponent. The UK and US combined would still have a real hard time taking them on. In fact, it would be a pretty even and bloody battle. I sure don't like the idea of it. Thankfully, the UK and France are good allys...

*crosses fingers*

Fez · #9 04-06-2004, 10:07 AM

yeah. Still, i think SAS are better :P. I forgot about the FFL, i thought you meant the counter-terrorist GIGN. I saw some of those guys training once, t'was cool.

the UK use the Eurofighter anyway. And the Harrier, we invented the orignial vertical take off and landing stuff.

Codek · #10 04-06-2004, 10:17 AM

Actually at the moment I don't think the Eurofighter has entered service in the UK quite yet. France are definately using it though, I know that much. They've already got several similar aircraft.

Fez · #11 04-06-2004, 10:20 AM

Yeah, the Mirage and that. All Delta style wings. All Airforces in Europe has ordered some UF2000's. they are Europe exclusive.

the brew master · #12 04-06-2004, 11:11 AM

really??
its only gonna be a europe exclusive?
cool
anyway....
i think both SAS and FFL are good but i think the FFL is better...
belive you dont want to meet an angry frenchmen in a dark ally

Fez · #13 04-06-2004, 11:17 AM

You dont want to meet angry SAS men in a dark alley, cause they'll shoot you. Even if you pretend to be armed the SAS will kill you. which is why, though ruthless, they are so efficient.

Majic · #14 04-06-2004, 11:59 AM

[QUOTE=Death]Haha, france are panzies LOL. Yeah ok Majic whatever you say.[QUOTE]

By pansies, I mean the characteristic losing streak from throughout history. There isn't much denying that they're a major world player today, nor the fact their military history isn't too hot.

Codek · #15 04-06-2004, 01:04 PM

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You dont want to meet angry SAS men in a dark alley, cause they'll shoot you. Even if you pretend to be armed the SAS will kill you. which is why, though ruthless, they are so efficient.

Actually the SAS are pretty inept. They've been known to empty whole magazines into people just to make sure that they are "completely dead". I mean that's just stupid. You wouldn't catch a burley FFL guy doing that. He'd just pull their head clean off their shoulders, taking bullets in his chest as he went.

Viva burley French forces!

the brew master · #16 04-06-2004, 09:29 PM

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Viva burley French forces!

LOL

:

Actually the SAS are pretty inept. They've been known to empty whole magazines into people just to make sure that they are "completely dead".

thats just ****ing stupid why the hell would you empty a whole magazine into someone i mean i do it on video games for fun but for real life professionals.....

Fez · #17 04-07-2004, 12:20 AM

where the hell did you hear that! the SAS are trained to "Double Tap" (fire two semi-automatic rounds) into the upperchest of the target. They would never fire more then 2 rounds into someone unless they had a grenade, in which case it would be two, three round bursts.

Codek · #18 04-07-2004, 12:29 AM

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where the hell did you hear that! the SAS are trained to "Double Tap" (fire two semi-automatic rounds) into the upperchest of the target. They would never fire more then 2 rounds into someone unless they had a grenade, in which case it would be two, three round bursts.

I heard it on a documentary about a very famous raid on terrorists holding hostages in an embassy, I think you know which one I mean. The biopsy of one of the terrorists revealed he had been shot 76 times.

That's more than just one mag. That's nearly four.

Fez · #19 04-07-2004, 01:00 AM

Ah yes, the Embassy seige. One man was shot 76 times, by 4 SAS men, and he was carrying a grenade and about to take out a large amount of hostages. They didnt have much of a choice, all 4 men saw him and opened fire. 4 X 30 = 120. So they obviously didnt fire a full mag each. Roughly about 18 rounds each. On automatic i'm sure it seemed like a few 5 round bursts. In that situation, you would go auto on him so he wouldnt pull the pin. So the SAS never waist ammo, unless in a situation like that, then 4 men opened fire on him.

ClaireBear · #20 04-07-2004, 01:04 AM

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Ah yes, the Embassy seige. One man was shot 76 times, by 4 SAS men, and he was carrying a grenade and about to take out a large amount of hostages. They didnt have much of a choice, all 4 men saw him and opened fire. 4 X 30 = 120. So they obviously didnt fire a full mag each. Roughly about 18 rounds each. On automatic i'm sure it seemed like a few 5 round bursts. In that situation, you would go auto on him so he wouldnt pull the pin. So the SAS never waist ammo, unless in a situation like that, then 4 men opened fire on him.

Ferill you're amazing... thats pretty extensive stuff!

Sadly I wish your enthusiasm was for somrthing less akin with violence, combat and weaponry... but still your knowledge is astounding!

Codek · #21 04-07-2004, 01:06 AM

"It only takes one well aimed gunshot to kill a man."

Can't remember who said that, but he's right. A well trained soldier can take someone out the instant they see them. But in the SAS they tend to like to blow things up, are topheavy on guns, and their tactics are heavyhanded.

And that's 19 rounds each if there were four, but there were actually two if I remember right, and one extra walked in half way through. Either way, the guy was still about 18 ounces heavier afterwards. It wasn't exactly "splinter cell".

Fez · #22 04-07-2004, 01:17 AM

I do agree on the SAS not being the most silent on CQB missions. But they sure as hell are in most missions outside of counter-terrorisum. Your right, there was only 3 guys, i just checked.

How are they top heavy on guns? they use the same stuff the british army uses except for the SA80, which they can use now! (the new and improved version is amazing!) they do always put a '203 onto their M16A2's though.....That might be it.

Speed
AGRESSION
Stealth

I think the A describes the SAS the best. Oh, i do know it means Special Air Service before you correct me.

Codek · #23 04-07-2004, 01:21 AM

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I do agree on the SAS not being the most silent on CQB missions. But they sure as hell are in most missions outside of counter-terrorisum. Your right, there was only 3 guys, i just checked.

How are they top heavy on guns? they use the same stuff the british army uses except for the SA80, which they can use now! (the new and improved version is amazing!) they do always put a '203 onto their M16A2's though.....That might be it.

Speed
AGRESSION
Stealth

I think the A describes the SAS the best. Oh, i do know it means Special Air Service before you correct me.

Well maybe not topheavy on guns, but topheavy on their use of guns. They ensure people are fully dead before continuing.

Fez · #24 04-07-2004, 01:28 AM

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Sadly I wish your enthusiasm was for somrthing less akin with violence, combat and weaponry... but still your knowledge is astounding!

Yup, shes a teacher alright

Death = Thats why they would suite me so well. I hope I make it into the SAS one day.

".....During which the 8 man patrol killed 250 men between them...."

ClaireBear · #25 04-07-2004, 01:32 AM

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Well maybe not topheavy on guns, but topheavy on their use of guns. They ensure people are fully dead before continuing.

Its essential in terrorist and hostage situations... which is where they are mostly used (or rather what they are mostly seen to be involved in through the media!)

Aren't they also instructed to take down any female assailents first Ferill?

Or am I talking crap?