Ask AS

[Abe's son]

*TV or Radio turns on omniusly and theres a pic of AS siting at a desk*

...Hello folks..I'd like to inform you that from the makers of MJ12 come Ask AS, were you can ask me questions about MJ12, or about me...Ah look, we have a caller.

*picks up phone*



Well Hans..I recently just made my name AS not stand for anything, but your friend didn't know that. BUT HE SHOULD BE HUNG!! *jumps up and tips over desk* HE SHOULD BE KILLED BECAUSE HE DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING!! GWAR!!! HE SHOULD DIE!!! DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!! RAAAR!!!

<*click*......*dooooooooooooo*>

...uhm...ok yes...that was...someone get me my coffie....

Anway *sluurp* Oddling said she'd help us out here at DAS, wich is my companys name....she better as hell hurry up before I scare all the callers away.

Please PM me or ask me on oddchat questions that I can have on the show, you relize by doing this your puting yourself in danger of being sworn at or yelled at...because well...I'm insane...so to bad for you]

[Abe's son]

OK now that I have a satillite link up with Ghand our reporter, who is investigating...something..but the last trans misstion we got was....this

*Turns TV set on and ghand is standing there on a stage*

I think I had indigestion for months.

BUT THEN IT HIT ME...

IT HIT ME LIKE SCHWANS FOOD HITTING THE GRIMY UNDERSIDE OF A PARKED MINIVAN IN A 7/11 PARKING LOT...

IT HIT ME LIKE A CINDER BLOCK TO THE FOREHEAD... IT HIT ME WITH SUCH FORCE THAT I PASSED OUT SEVERAL TIMES, ONLY TO HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT LIVING IN A WORLD WITHOUT SPORKS... A WORLD WHERE A PERSON HAD TO HAVE A REASON FOR ACTING ILLOGICAL! HAD TO HAVE A REASON FOR BEING INSANE!

*Large American flag drapes down in background as the national anthem begins to play.*

WELL LET ME TELL YOU, KIDS, THAT’S NO NATION OF MINE! I LIVE IN AMERICA! AMERICA HAS SPORKS AND POINTLESS INSANITY AND A POPULATION THAT’S 99% IDIOTS!

*Sparklers ignite; Pyrotechnics activate.*

YESSIR, I LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE! THE LAND WHERE WE CAN WEAR WOMENS’ CLOTHING IF WE WANT TO, BECAUSE DAGNABBIT, THAT’S JUST THE WAY I SWING! THE LAND WHERE WE CAN EAT NINETY-NINE CENT HAMBURGERS THAT ARE NINETY-NINE PERCENT GRISTLE AND GREASE AND NOT GET ARRESTED FOR LACK OF TASTE! THE LAND WHERE WE CAN BLAST LOUD POLKA, AND YOU KNOW WHAT, NOBODY CAN DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT! YESSIR! GOD BLESS AMERICA, KIDS! GOD BLESS AMERICA!

*A spark from a pyrotechnic effect lands on Ghand’s sleeve - He immediately bursts into flames.*

OH! LORDY!

*Everything goes black... Loud screams can be heard in the background, then stamping, loud cursing, thumping and rolling...*

*Set turns off*

Oh god that was disturbing...anyway that was Ghand at the childrens book fair. More at 11...

[Abe's son]

OK Ghand has somemore stuff for us..here it is..

*turns on the set again*

*Ghand sits at a desk with a bunch of letters he's reading*

Okay, kiddies. You heard the man. I’ll be your host this evening, and no matter what you might attempt to say (though it will surely come out as a strand of blubbering garbage, given your lack of a brain), you are, in fact, inferior. Also, you should take note that you are not me, and therefore cannot be taken seriously. Now, let’s open some letters, eh?

{MESSAGE BEGINS}
Hi how are you?
I send this file for your advice!
Thanks!
{MESSAGE ENDS}

Commando
Eh? What if I don't want to receive your damn file? It's probably something sick or demented that only a brain like yours could conjur up, you freakin' weirdo. Stop breathing on me, stop sending me mail - hell, stop existing. Or, if that's too difficult for your to wrap your head around, just use whatever leftover braincell you might have in your head before you try to pull this crap next time. Oy.

Dear Ghandaiah:

I have found this perfect escape plan for you in the {Idiot's Guide of Excaping from an Underwater MJ12 Prison an complete world domoination}, along with some vital information.

--+--[Escape Plan Alpha]--+--
Steps:
1. Order another pizza with the "special" mushrooms.
2.*screems out in pain* Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! no never, i will not, iiittttt hhuuurrrrttttttssss! so much. my my brain is controlled from space. Must not tell........ WHY MEEEE AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
*Wraps head in tin foil(shiny side up)*
AH fine, it's the orbital mind control lazers, they control my mind. They want me to tell you classified information. I will never! Ha Ha Ha YOu wIll hAVe 2 rOt iN PrIsOn 4 All i caRE.
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Not again!1!!!11!!!1
wHY mE?
So, back to step 2, and no, I am in perfect health. 2. Give pizza to *sniper's shot hits him in head* soo, 2. give pizza to ahhhhhhhhhhh *dies*
Ooooh, boy...

I’m going to give you a few quarters. Use them to call someone who’s sane. Maybe sanity’s contagious. Who knows? Either way, you currently have problems, sirrah. AND THEY NEED SOLVING. I have methods - Like taking a sledge hammer to your face - But I don’t know if such things would be appreciated around here. Besides - I’ve probably already pissed everyone off enough by not including any pictures in this section of the article. You want something pretty to look at? Tough. You won’t get any shiny pictures here, you friggin’ idiots.

OMG!!! I SAW A MANDOG!!

That’s nice. As much as I’d like to drop a refrigerator on your head, I think I’ll refrain for now.

You know... When a man is locked in a closet... basking in a puddle of his own urine... He has time to think about the things that really matter... Think about how his articles would probably be a lot more interesting if they, you know, had plots, and maybe made sense, and stuff... Think about death... Hey, I could die in here... Actually, I am dieing in here.

*set go's off*

That was...very wrong and sick...excuse me but could someone make sure he dies this time..last time he woke up and got stuck in a vending machine


Please refrain from vomiting on your TV set and wait for something to happen...*takes out cup of coffie and turns his laptop on and plays Natural Selection* any second now....*slu-*...............did someone put dishsoap in my drink again?..oh well, I love the stuff anyway.

This program was brought to you by.......
Charlies Mint Ice-cream!!
You eat it, cause its goooood!
may contain leathal amounts of tylonal and forgin chemicals...

[Abe's son]

Oh..uh..hello, well I-...what the hell..I lost the uplink with Ghand..aparently him being the only officail PDX staffer here has to use AOL...and it...it just sucks..ok

I mean..the guy lives in a bathroom...and he types on what, a supercomputer terminal?! I know your saying "Oh well thats cool!" Whats wrong with you!! His internet service is AOL!! THATS LIKE SHOVING CRAP INTO YOU CD DRIVE GOD DAMNIT!! CLENSE YOURSELF AND BURN THE AOL CDS!!!! OW MY FACE IS ON FIRE I OPENED THE NAPALM THE WRONG WAY F***!! *falls over and rolling can be heard* *pops back up* OK were back...
Do I smell cooked frog?
No?
Hmm... must be those damned cell neighbors of mine... always lighting themselves and their possessions on fire...
*knock knock knock*
WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
can I have some suger?
Oh, sure, here, you can borrow some of my sugar.
Yeah the people around here are freaks..
Most of them.......OK I just found a letter to me...

ack i'm now dead... oh well now i'm here to haunt you mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha..choke, die. damn it now my spirit has died!!! now my spirit ghost shall haunt you and you prision hahahahhahahahahaha-thinks for a second and stops laughing- oh oh i have a impossibly stupid question for you: what is 2+2?

a)none of the below
b)none of the above

hehehehe-remambers the past two times ive died, i need to stop dieing

and i got a way to scare the hell out your gaurds its called astral projections mwahahah-dam it i need to stop laughing oh and i'm in the unknown secter in your prision- the insane asylum, if you come here i can give you a very vary deadly weapon-a pillow and we can go on a killing spree and make the janitor clean it up and then we free the dogs and buy a new mr box and we can't forget Mr T he likes to beat the sense out of me oh i have a twin who can really help you , his name is Xavier and he is the lord of purgatory=)!!!

aww shit here come the gaurds to tranq me again so Xavier's twin brother Xavier is signing off so see you aro-akkkkk(passes out)

And that, my friends, is why you should not use cocaine. Now...lets find out WHY this freak did this..nope cant think of any good reason why he would...

Yeah people around here are freaks..
*toaster flys through window and hits AS in the head*
Ow damnit! You god damn kids better stay away from my house!! Wait..this isn't my house..is it...no it isn't..oh well I dont care.

*technitains start working on power system*

No. No, not the yellow switch. Flip the blue one. Yeah, the pretty one... no... no, not the... NOT THE YELLOW, THE BLUE... no... NO! BLUE! NOT YELLOW!

*All the power goes out.*

Oh, for the love of - I told you, it's the BLUE switch! NO! YELLOW IS NOT LEMONY, NOR IS IT BETTER THAN BERRY, JUST FLIP THE -

*The power begins rapidly flashing on and off.*

You stupid tech monkeys...WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!!...no? Nothing? OK. Thats fine...I'll live with it....ya'damn freaks...OK what ever when you wake up I'll be here ranting about how the clouds are made of milk or some crap like that..goodbye you over sized mice....*mouse dies* and may flight of jagwars take thee to thy rest.....Goodnight

[Abe's son]

and this is an interveiw with....whoever..ok ghand..lets do this

:Begin Transmission:

You know... I almost got to post a pic of DedEye and his mom in this article... ...But I can't.

Because... erm...

I lost it. I lost it among my many, many crates of Preparation H and sulfuric acid. Hahaha, that reminds me of a funny story... once, I accidentally grabbed a bottle of acid instead of Prep H when my ass pains started acting up again, and-




Yeah, good times we had back when mint ice cream still consisted of lethal amounts of Tylenol and our heads were made up of six pixels on a 320x200 screen powered by the adrenaline-rushin' spirit of a 486. Damn, that thing played one mean Doom!

Wait, I still have that old piece of crap...

That's right, folks, I'm forced to write my column on a 486, because MJ12 is actually so tech-deprived now they have to resort to borrowing hardware from public schools.

How all the pictures in this article end up at 1024x768, err, like I said, I'm writing my column from the future.

On a 486.

But... from the future. So I can run 1024x768 on a 486.

Oh, yeah, and I forgot to mention, Microsoft owned every industry in the world for a while there, the US slipped into a dictatorship under the influence of someone named "Orlando"... But then all was well again, because this great company called Schwans somehow took over and made things right again. Hey, free "bagel dogs" all around!




No, really, Schwans is great. MJ12 buys all their food from them now - Which is, strangely, another public school-related purchase... but nonetheless, I mean, look at this stuff:




Doesn't that just look appetizing to you? Mmm, I could eat a whole bucket of those!


(Note: After which, of course, I'd have to live the rest of my life in a hospital bed, drinking my food from a straw, vomiting violently every five minutes. But I digress.)

(Another note: The views and opinions of this column are not real. Do not read this column. It is fake. There is no spoon. There is no computer. There even is no brain in the thick confines of your skull. Yeah, that's right, laugh it off. You'll find some more shiny objects to stare at tomorrow.)


Anyway, I believe there was a contest that was won, was there not? Yes. So, with a little help from my pet ferret, "Bleeding Skull Ragnar" (hereby referred to as "Bob"), let's get on with the part where the guy that won blabbers on incoherently to me as I dejectedly pass out due to his monotone voice and uninteresting tales.

In other words, here comes the hodown, paw! YEE-HAW!

*Grabs the shotgun and moonshine, gits in his pickup truck, and squeals off.*



:Transmitting Interview:

[Ghandaiah] Shall we endeavor in that method?
[Regenesis] Sounds good to me.
[Ghand] Now, eh...
[Ghand] *cough*
[Ghand] *stares backstage*
[Ghand] *suddenly realizes cameras are rolling*
[Ghand] Oh, I forgot to tell you. You're now officially in the Got Ghand studios. Welcome!
[Regenesis] Wow! How did i get here?
[Ghand] Aren't our furnishings nice?
[Regenesis] Quite... I dig the inflatable chairs.
[Ghand] Inflatable? ...Whoa... ...You're right... ...All these years... ...
[Regenesis] You mean months.
[Ghand] Months. Eh, er, right. Months.
[Ghand] Oh, we're doing an interview, aren't we? Yes. Okay, then. Hey, everybody! This is Regenesis, he won the contest, blardy blardy, somewhere in this article I've probably posted a link to download his stuff, if not, I passed out.
[Ghand] Say hello to the nice people, Regenesis.
[Regenesis] Hi nice people!
[Ghand] They're all morons, Regenesis. They'll watch anything.
[Regenesis] Apparently
[Ghand] Mmhmm.

*pause*

[Regenesis] *laughs at the people*
[Ghand] Okay, Regenesis, the first portion of our interview will be a ten question... eh, thingy. ARE YOU READY?
[Regenesis] Ready.
[Ghand] NO, GET READY... Yeah... just... yeah, just put on the... put on the overalls and get the moonshine jug... yeah... okay, there you go.
[Ghand] HE IS NOW READY.
[Regenesis] Er...
[Ghand] 1) Favorite cheese?
[Regenesis] Cheddar.
[Ghand] Nice call. Swiss is evil.
[Regenesis] Yeah, with the cameras and all....
[Ghand] I believe I've explained -that- theory one too many times. Aheheh... oh, man...
[Regenesis] Yes, you have.
[Ghand] *stares at Regenesis like a Blue Man*




[Ghand] Don't tell me how to do it, mister.
[Regenesis] Sorry.
[Ghand] Yeah.
[Ghand] You better be.
[Ghand] ...

*pause*

[Regenesis] *waits*
[Ghand] 2) Compare and contrast the measures of evil in the following animals: Squirrels and Dung Beetles.
[Regenesis] Squirrels are definitely more evil. They have that whole "cute" thing going on, and you just know that's a lie.
[Ghand] LIES. ALL OF IT.
[Ghand] You're not a liar, are you, Regenesis?
[Regenesis] Yes.
[Ghand] Ye-...
[Regenesis] which means I'm not.
[Ghand] You-...
[Regenesis] Because that was a lie.
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[Ghand] Okay, now you're confusing me, pal. First you tell me how to do it, then you confuse me. We're off on the wrong foot here, Reg. It should be THE RIGHT FOOT. NO, NOT THE LEFT ONE. THE RIGHT ONE, WITH THE PRETTY PINK BOOTS.
[Regenesis] Um....ok.
[Ghand] Yeah. Ok. Darn tootin' it's okay.
[Regenesis] That boot kind of clashes with the body armor.
[Ghand] It does? ...Damn.
[Regenesis] A little.
[Ghand] Should I get the whole pink body armor thing going? 'Cause that would be nice...
[Ghand] *stares backstage*
[Regenesis] That's a good idea.
[Ghand] Erm... Next question.
[Ghand] *turns red*
[Regenesis] Ok.
[Ghand] 3) Do you think I belong in:
[Ghand] - -A) An insane asylum
[Ghand] - -B) A mental hospital
[Ghand] - -C) Kentucky
[Regenesis] Aren't A and B the same answer?
[Ghand] No.
[Regenesis] Oh.
[Regenesis] How about a mental hospital in Kentucky?
[Ghand] That would work.
[Regenesis] OK then.
[Ghand] 5) Why was there no question 4?
[Regenesis] Because you're lazy
[Ghand] ...Damn. You got it right.
[Regenesis] What do i win?
[Ghand] Uhm... Er...
[Ghand] *reaches into pocket*
[Ghand] How about a ball of lint? Will that work for ya? It's minty fresh.
[Regenesis] *examines it closely*
[Regenesis] Yes, it is indeed.
[Ghand] *pokes it with a stick*
[Ghand] DEAR GOD, IT MOVED!




[Ghand] Maybe that's just the drugs.
[Ghand] ...
[Regenesis] Probably.
[Ghand] *stares backstage*
[Ghand] Next question.
[Regenesis] *stares backstage also*
[Ghand] 6) Why do I keep staring backstage?
[Regenesis] I don't know... I just looked back there and all i saw were some old paint cans and spider webs- Wait a minute! This isn't a studio at all! It's your basement!
[Ghand] SHUT UP! THIS IS MY STUDIO! IT'S MY STUDIO, DAMMIT!
[Ghand] ...
[Regenesis] are those cameras even on?
[Ghand] That hurts, Regenesis. That hurts me deep inside...
[Ghand] And, yes... The cameras are on. See? The little red dot isn't on. That means the camera is rolling. Doesn't it?
[Regenesis] Is there film in there?
[Ghand] Film? What? Oh, no, these are special cameras, lots of people make that mistake. They're, uh... They're crouton-fueled. Yeah.
[Regenesis] Ah, of course.
[Regenesis] Far superior to film cameras.
[Ghand] *Must... keep... asking... questions!*
[Ghand] Who said that?
[Regenesis] You.
[Ghand] Incorrect answer. Commence explosion of head.
[Regenesis] does that mean i have to give the lint back?
[Ghand] Yes. Right now.
[Regenesis] Damn...
[Ghand] *holds up electric prod*
[Regenesis] Fine, take it.
[Ghand] Thank you. Your business is appreciated.
[Regenesis] *cries*
[Regenesis] I'll miss you, lint.
[Ghand] DON'T GET ALL BABY ON ME, MISTER.
[Ghand] You see this? You see this piece of lint?
[Regenesis] Yes.
[Ghand] ...This piece of lint is FIRED!
[Ghand] *throws it down on floor*
[Ghand] *stomps on it*
[Ghand] He was a bad actor, anyway.
[Regenesis] That was a bit excessive, dont you think?
[Ghand] Excessive? Nooooo... ... ...Hey, can I call you Captain Red?
[Regenesis] No.
[Ghand] ...Please?
[Regenesis] No.
[Ghand] And then you can call me Skipper...
[Ghand] Pl-
[Regenesis] Absolutely not.
[Ghand] You're embarrassing me, Regenesis. Stop it. STOP IT NOW.
[Regenesis] No, i think you do that just fine on your own.
[Ghand] I do not.




[Ghand] Wait, weren't we doing some kind of question thing?
[Regenesis] Yes, we were.
[Ghand] Euuuhhhhh, what were we on? Seven? Ten? Three? Hmm...
[Regenesis] Seven.
[Ghand] Eight?
[Regenesis] Seven.
[Ghand] Fifty?
[Regenesis] Yes.
[Ghand] Okay.
[Ghand] 50) Any words of wisdom for all the silly simpleton fools out there reading this?
[Regenesis] *thinks*
[Ghand] *stares*
[Ghand] You-
[Ghand] *stares*
[Ghand] ... ...I said, you-
[Ghand] *stares*
[Regenesis] Me?
[Ghand] Okay, stop the-
[Ghand] *stares*
[Ghand] ...
[Ghand] Who's in control of the-
[Ghand] *stares*
[Ghand] DAMMIT-
[Ghand] *stares*
[Ghand] ...
[Regenesis] Uh...
[Ghand] I just-
[Ghand] *stares*
[Regenesis] Are you ok?
[Ghand] I-
[Ghand] *stares*
[Ghand] THIS DAMN STARES CONTRAP-
[Ghand] *stares*
[Ghand] -BROKEN-
[Ghand] *stares*
[Ghand] -IT JUST TURN-
[Ghand] *stares*
[Regenesis] I'm going to go get something to drink... Call me when you get that staring thing under control.
[Ghand] H-
[Ghand] *stares*
[Ghand] HEL-
[Ghand] *stares*
[Ghand] HELP M-
[Ghand] *stares*
[Ghand] ...
[Ghand] *cries*
[Ghand] *stares*
[Ghand] STOP STARING AT ME!
[Ghand] ...
[Ghand] Hmm... I think I fixed it... uhm... test?... Testing, 1 2 3... Wow, it's... it's... Hey, where'd you go? ...Hey! It's dark in this basemen- erm, studio!
[Regenesis] What? Oh, sorry. I was busy not paying attention.
[Ghand] Oh. Cool. So what do you think of this interview, Red? Been pretty pointless, huh? Yeah, that's the way it goes.
[Regenesis] Mostly, yes.
[Ghand] Well that's good. Or bad. Whatever. So, uh... You read my article a lot?
[Regenesis] I do.
[Ghand] Because I read my article a lot. I read your articles, too. You know... The one with the fish? The fish... and the, uh... and that guy... You know that one... You... ... ...Sorry.
[Regenesis] With the face?
[Ghand] Yeah! With the face!




[Regenesis] Yeah, he's a riot.
[Ghand] Aha... aheheh.... I bet he is.
[Ghand] Hey, you know what's a fun word?
[Regenesis] No.
[Ghand] Palm tree.
[Ghand] Just say it.
[Ghand] Palm tree.
[Regenesis] That's 2 words.
[Ghand] Almost right up there with pants. Pants is only one word, you know.
[Ghand] ...
[Ghand] It's... It's only one word.
[Ghand] See? I'm smart too.
[Ghand] I am! Really!
[Regenesis] *smiles and nods*
[Regenesis] *goes to sleep*

*pause*

[Ghand] What? Oh, sorry, I passed out there a moment. I didn't say anything embarrassing while I was unconscious, did I? Heh... once I was babbling about how I liked to wear my pants on my head, and-
[Ghand] Wait...
[Ghand] That's.... That's personal. Never mind.
[Regenesis] Well, let's just say the whole elephant/golf cart incident is no longer a secret.
[Ghand] JIBBER JABBER! JIBBER!
[Regenesis] ...Um...
[Ghand] Sorry, that's my, erm, ferret. His name is Bob.
[Regenesis] Hi Bob.
[Ghand] Bob wants to kill your head. Don't take it too personally.
[Regenesis] No, of course not. Most ferrets do.
[Ghand] ...You know many ferrets?
[Regenesis] No, that was just a broad generalization.
[Ghand] Ahem... Ah. So you're making a stereotypical remark, then?
[Regenesis] Essentially.
[Ghand] Well that's not very nice. I think I'm going to have to kick you in the forehead. Bob is upset.
[Regenesis] Tell that to the ferrets that killed my father!!!
[Ghand] *GASP*
[Ghand] YOU TOO? ...CONSPIRACY!
[Ghand] *runs away*
[Regenesis] Hey, I can't do this on my own!
[Regenesis] *stares at the camera*
[Regenesis] *waves*
[Ghand] *runs back to baseme- er, studio*
[Ghand] Sure you can. Just talk to yourself, like I do. It's fun and easy! JIBBER JABBER! JIBBER!
[Ghand] That was me that time. Bob's swimming in the toilet again.
[Regenesis] Isn't that dangerous?
[Regenesis] I mean... What if somebody stood up... And walked over to the toilet....AND FLUSHED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Ghand] Aw, no, he does it all the time. I even let Banjo swim in the toile- waitaminute... ...Banjo is... ... ...BAAAANNNNNNJJJJJJJJOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Ghand] ...So many... hurtful memories... Why, Banjo?! ...WHY?!
[Regenesis] Who's Banjo?
[Ghand] *stares at Regenesis*
[Ghand] I thought you said you read my article. IF YOU READ MY ARTICLE, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT IN NUMBER 6, SECTION 28, LINE 3, IT CLEARLY STATES THAT BANJO IS A SEA MONKEY!
[Regenesis] Yeah, but i don't memorize them... I do have a life, you know.
[Ghand] Was that an insult, Regenesis?
[Regenesis] Yes.
[Ghand] First you tell me how to do it. Then you embarrass me. Then you point out that this is a basement - erm, which it isn't. Then you insult me. I think I'm going to have to call off this interview. THIS WILL IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, BE INCLUDED IN GOT GHAND 10. NEVER.
[Ghand] *stares at audience*
[Regenesis] I'm sorry, I won't let it happen again.
[Ghand] Too late. This is already burning.
[Regenesis] *cries*
[Ghand] I'm watching my monitor go up in flames now.
[Regenesis] My life is ruined!!!
[Ghand] WAIT! MY MONITOR! NO!
[Ghand] *throws bucket of water on monitor*
[Ghand] *electricity shoots out, killing Ghand*
[Ghand] *sizzle*
[Ghand] *thud*
[Ghand] ...
[Ghand] *silence*
[Regenesis] Uh... we seem to be having... uh... technical difficulties...




*pause*

[Regenesis] Psst... Ghand, hit the fire button to respawn.
[Ghand] Oh, thanks.
[Ghand] *respawns*
[Regenesis] No problem.
[Ghand] Yeah, well. This was a long interview, Captain Red.
[Regenesis] Yes, it was, Skipper.
[Ghand] *GASP*
[Ghand] YOU CALLED ME SKIPPER! ...I can now die a happy man.
[Regenesis] No i didn't.
[Ghand] ...Oh. ...That hurts, Red. A POX ON THEE AND THINE FERRET!
[Regenesis] Um... It's your ferret.
[Ghand] Liar.
[Ghand] You're a liar.
[Ghand] It's your ferret.
[Regenesis] *activates anti-pox aug*
[Ghand] You brought him here.
[Ghand] I demand you to take him home with you. Take the soggy ferret home. He's had his toilet bath already tonight. Just feed him a cup of gravel in the morning, and everything will be fine.
[Regenesis] No, I clearly recall him crawling out of your pants while you were asking question 4.
[Ghand] Out of my pants? HA! I DON'T WEAR PANTS!
[Regenesis] Yes you do... you know, the things with the pockets?
[Ghand] Those are pants?
[Regenesis] Yes.
[Ghand] *stares backstage*
[Ghand] Evil is afoot, Regenesis. It's a foot. Evil is in the form of a foot. Thus, my feet of doom.
[Regenesis] Hahahahahaha!!!!!
[Ghand] WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT, WISE GUY?
[Regenesis] Your clever use of puns.
[Ghand] Pun. Pun. Pun. Now there's another funny word.
[Regenesis] Um.
[Ghand] Uh, the voices in my head are telling me to end the interview now. I think it's been too long...
[Regenesis] OK then.
[Ghand] Maybe we should pistol duel at midnight?

[Regenesis] Why?
[Ghand] That would be a dramatic conclusion to the interview.
[Regenesis] Oh, OK.
[Ghand] *shoots self*
[Ghand] Ouch.
[Ghand] There, that was dramatic too, wasn't it?
[Regenesis] Not terribly.
[Ghand] I... You're really quite evil.
[Regenesis] Thank you. :-)
[Ghand] *sigh*
[Ghand] Oh well. SAY GOODBYE TO THE MORONS OF THE WORLD, RED.
[Regenesis] Goodbye morons of the world!
[Ghand] Ahaheh... Oh, man...
[Regenesis] Can I throw in a shameless plug for my mod, DXMP PartyZone?
[Ghand] Oh! Yes! Yes you can! Start talking. ...BZZT! Time is up! Goodbye!
[Regenesis] Hey!
[Regenesis] That's not fair.
[Ghand] Ahehehe... Life isn't fair, Red. ...No, go ahead, plug your mod. I'll listen. Really.
[Regenesis] Promise?
[Ghand] Yes. Promise.
[Regenesis] OK.
[Regenesis] The site is-


:End of Interview:

yeah he just turned the thing off...whatever...*takes out gun and shoots the muffin man*my work is done here for now

[Canned Gabbiar]

Whoa dude. Take it easy, you're going to scare everybody off with an interview that long.... *takes a deep breath*. Anyway, I'm a bit confused. What is MJ12?

[Abe's son]

MJ12 is a previous project I created, it is no longer being writen, if you want to go topic diving then be my guest..

[GTdragon]

KOOL!!!! ME LIKES IT ALOT MUST HAVE MORE TO READ!! *raids shelf*

[Abe's son]

* AS flys in on jetpack*

AIEEEEEE-!!! *thud*

*hits wall*

*whump*

*AS gets up*

ahem...wellcome to another installment of..............GAI-....i mean...ASK AZAAB....no its..MDK ASS...no...its...oh yeah!! its ask yagaga...no thats not right either..oh yes! its ASK AS

*theme music plays and dancing smarties come out*

On todays show i'd like to....TAKE SOME F***ING CALLERS!!...ok lets get down to business...

* AS takes out pills and some fizzy water and takes the pills*

OK caller your on the air

[*unkown caller*] oh uh..'ello

...who is this?

[Baz] oh uh, this's Baz..

..well...why are you calling mister so called "BAZ"..

[Baz] ....alright....well im calll'in a'cuse we need ya help...

....WHY would this be...mister Baz...

[Baz]...this is going no were, look... w-

*AS hangs up*

.....TIMMY!!

[Staffer] TIMMY!!

[other staffer] TIMMY!!

[yet ANOTHER staffer] TIMMY!!

[ANOTHER F***ING STAFFER!!] TIMMY!!!!!

[Timmy] TIMMY!!!

[Mr.Bojoyzie] TIMMY!!!!!

...hey how the hell did you get in here?

[MB] Well laddy..im 'ere cuse i got the bloody key ya git!

...uh.....i want corndog?

[MB]....*leaves*

.....BWAAHAHAHHAHA!!

*AS runs in circles till he vomits*

[staffers] *GASP*

GASP...

[Timmy] GASP

[MB] GA-

OK SHUT UP!!

*fade to black*

( I said it once...and I'll say it again......I love that game...

[GTdragon]

You could say your a fanatic.now what was i gonna yell at you for????....hmmm...........

[Abe's son]

DA......in case you dont know..the game was Gaints:Citizen Kabuto, man I love that game...

[Abe's son]

A normal day with rane on Yahoo Messenger..oh and she says "Hi"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
kitsune_scythe: Squeeness! *cling*
onisasha: *clings* !!!
kitsune_scythe: ^_^ How be you?
onisasha: good
onisasha: "If at first you dont succeed...Dont come cryin to me!" ~ Deb
kitsune_scythe: Hehe
onisasha: dont ask
kitsune_scythe: Okie. I must find this song!!!1
onisasha: what is this song?
kitsune_scythe: Its by Good Charlotte. Its about this letter, number 13 on their cd.
kitsune_scythe: I have it stuck in my head...
onisasha: hmm yes
onisasha: lol this thing is so cool
onisasha: check it out http://southpark.gamesweb.com/flash/sp-studio.swf southparkiterizith(oooh new word) yourself
kitsune_scythe: Okie!
kitsune_scythe: I'm an antidisestablishmentarianist with pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!
kitsune_scythe: XD
kitsune_scythe: I can't understand it! Lol
onisasha: ...say what?
kitsune_scythe: I dunno, but its two reaaally long words...
onisasha: like hell theya re
kitsune_scythe: Lol
kitsune_scythe: interesting...
onisasha: yeah that sites adicting
kitsune_scythe: I get to do a comedy thing at Coffee night the third ^_^
onisasha: kool
kitsune_scythe: Its funny. I say stuff about Sadam and Bil Laden, then go into a high school talk, then end with a demonstration on human stupidity.
onisasha: lol
kitsune_scythe: the third one is pretty funny "Oh My God!! POWDER FROM A POWDERED DOUGHNUT!! ... I bet it has... ANTHRAX!!
onisasha: lol!!
onisasha: me and my friends at lunch, will get this powdered brownie things and we'd take the powder and throw it all over ourselfs and yell "AHHHH!!!! ANTRHAX!!!"
kitsune_scythe: LOL! XD
kitsune_scythe: My high school one goes like this... Have you ever walked through the halls in the high school
kitsune_scythe: *? Turning down a hall and to my left you see People sucking each other's faces off! Oh! And a rare sight! To my left ... People sucking each others faces off! Moving on we see more sucking of the faces. Turn the corner, guess what, no face sucking... someone is trying further on the wall! Poor wall... traumitized! Wall rapist!
onisasha: LMAO!!!
kitsune_scythe: Yup... I get donations too ^_^
onisasha: oooh.....thats funny
kitsune_scythe: Wanna hear my Sadam Bin laden one?
onisasha: yeah there funny!
kitsune_scythe: Alright
kitsune_scythe: I came home the other day, sat down, getting ready to watch TV, ya know the usual. Well... flip on the tube, Its on Cnn. "And today, we bombed the shit out of Iraq." I'm thinking, really... no dip sherlock... God... So I flip to Fox, "Today in other news, we hit Iraq again with a bomb!" ... Ok... kinda gettin old... Flip to nickelodeon for the hell of it. Rugrats is on! "Look Tommy! We bombed Iraq!!!" .... Why?!!? So, getting annoyed, I turn on my Ps2. And I start playing FFX! "'Ey Tidus! Guess what?!" "What Wakka?" "We bombed the shit out of Iraq!" ..... God damnit! So I turn off the ps2 and start cursing! I mean damn! We need like the all Iraq bombing channel so everyone else can get on with their lives! I mean seriously!!
onisasha: lol!!!
kitsune_scythe: So Sadam's probably over there pissing himself "Ooo... shit... USA's got a nuke... I'm gonna die... even my non existant missles won't help me now.... And Bin laden, he's over here "My god... I am so lonely... where is my goat... GAH! Some dam,n american killed my goat!!"
onisasha: lol!!
kitsune_scythe: Yep... thats that one
onisasha: lol
onisasha: How do you stop an Iraqie tank?
kitsune_scythe: I dunno, how do you stop an Iraqie tank?
onisasha: shoot the guy pushing it
kitsune_scythe: Lol
onisasha: CDs are like my head..there round and they've got a hole in it
kitsune_scythe: I FOUND IT!!! NYAHAHAHA!!!
kitsune_scythe: Lol
onisasha: OH! LORDY!
kitsune_scythe: Emotionaless
onisasha: Ah... ...ahaha... ...wooooo... ...monkey on a man in a banana suit... that's just... that's just too rich...
kitsune_scythe: Thats it... *nod nod* Its a bitch to find...
kitsune_scythe: lol
onisasha: That’s right, kids. Deus Ex doesn’t have TURKEY. Ever taken a long, hard glance into the UnrealEd objects list? HUH?! Let me tell you what’s there, then.

SOY FOOD AND CANDY BARS! That’s IT! NOTHING else!

SODA AND WINE! ALCOHOLIC DRINKS! NO TURKEY! NO CRANBERRY SAUCE! NO STUFFING, OR GRAVY, OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT MAKES UP THE WARM LITTLE HAPPY CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!\
kitsune_scythe: Lol!
kitsune_scythe: Gah! brbness!
onisasha: k
onisasha: Yeah, you guys get the liberty of watching football and enjoying the weather. There’s no WEATHER in the deep blue sea, folks. And if there was, I’d MURDER every weatherman in SIGHT!

But that’s me.

You know what sports we get down here? Here. I’ll name a few.

Spontaneous Combustion Game: Sit around. Wait. See who bursts into flames first. Was it you? You win!

Who Can Eat The Most EMP Grenades Without Getting Explosive Diarrhea Game: The name says it all! Eat one... two... three... feel those intestines churning yet? Be sure to swallow them whole! Chewing results in bad mojo!

Smash Bottles Over Ghandaiah’s Head Game: Mainly played by the guards. I don’t like this game...

Pharaoh’s Tomb: The only game capable of running smoothly on the MJ12 collection of 486 computers!
kitsune_scythe: Lol
onisasha: Lumbering Sash, if I could read English, I might understand what I’m currently writing!

Then, probably not.

But, regardless, I will now ask you a question.

onisasha: http://www.planetdeusex.com/features...d/14/ghand.jpg
onisasha: What does this picture bring to mind? Does it make you think... “My, this is one handsome fellow?” ...Does it make you think, “If I were a woman, I would date this man?” ...Or does it simply make you think, “Where can I get a stunning mask like that one?”

Well, Loobinous, if you were to think any of those things, I’d be flattered. But you’re wrong.

That, you see, is the outfit I was wearing while writing Got Ghand 13. If you look at the following picture of what I am wearing as I write this installment, the difference will be obvious.
onisasha: http://www.planetdeusex.com/features...d/14/ghand.jpg
onisasha: So remember to be thankful! Thankful for your turkey! Thankful for football, and the element of fire! Thankful for not suffering, day after day, in the same mundane underwater jail cell! And finally, be thankful for freedom. Because where would this country be without the right to blurt things like, “Yo Momma, Bin Laden”?

Not very far, kids. Not very far indeed.

*Violently explodes.*

OOH! I WIN!

kitsune_scythe: lol
onisasha: I could smell it.

Smell it like the thick scent of baby oil boiling in the back of a Ford pickup truck coasting down the street at a speed equivalent to that of the downfall of the Starbucks Dynasty, which, of course, is an event of the future, another tangle of dark webs, something I’d play no part in. No, sir, my job was here, in front of me, and it reeked. Its reek was so thick it made my neck sweat under the pressure of my head, because when the smells get bad, the head gets heavy.
onisasha: It was the smell of crime.

This rag-tag group of dwarves in front of me were a bunch of troublesome monkeys. I knew there was something suspicious about them the moment I met them. It was those beady eyes, see. The ones that stare at you like piercing knives cutting through a ham-and-cheese sandwich buttered up with the creamy sauce of corruption. All my senses drowned in the sudden realization of this mix-up.

These dwarves weren’t here to save me. They were here to kill me. They’d hunted me down from the whence they came, the essence of bad things, the back of the fridge where no man dare look, because he’s afraid, see, afraid of the mold that’s growing there, growing like a chimpanzee’s anger when he’s realized his favorite banana tree no longer sports his fruit of goodness.
kitsune_scythe: Lol
onisasha: http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/ check them out
kitsune_scythe: Okie... you... have you taken the insanity test???
onisasha: no
onisasha: lol i got my ghetto name
kitsune_scythe: O_O!!!!
kitsune_scythe: Oh my god!
onisasha: Im "Ass machine Jhones" lol
kitsune_scythe: http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/slp29/site.html ok from the mainpage, go to animations and click the insanity test, make ysure your speakers are on!
onisasha: im insane
kitsune_scythe: I love the insanity test...
onisasha: lol
onisasha: i took a test
onisasha: im Hitler
kitsune_scythe: Lol
onisasha: im proude!
onisasha: ...
onisasha: wait
onisasha: *proud
kitsune_scythe: I took a test and out of the nine or so categories, I was very high in each
kitsune_scythe: Antisocial, skitzoid, schitzotypical, ...etc.
kitsune_scythe: burning cd, brb
kitsune_scythe: Lol, Rape- when someone touches you anywhere but your elbows. The dictionaries definition to rape.
onisasha: lmao!!
onisasha: FOOD TIME!!
kitsune_scythe: Woo!
onisasha: lol twizzlers and fizzy watter
onisasha: *water
onisasha: wawa\
kitsune_scythe: Lol neeeat
kitsune_scythe: I got mah CD.... I'm happy..
onisasha: \/\/007 p\/\/|\|/\/\3|\|7
kitsune_scythe: Wooo.... *hides her confusion well... Lol*
kitsune_scythe: I'm pathetic...
kitsune_scythe: I've already memorized this song in like... 3 times of listening to it
onisasha: lol i can do that to
kitsune_scythe: I do that with Japanese songs
onisasha: yeah me 2
kitsune_scythe: Whee!
kitsune_scythe: I ish hyper!!
kitsune_scythe: *leaps around like a happy little kitteh kat!*
kitsune_scythe: Oh...
kitsune_scythe: I forgot...
kitsune_scythe: I'm supposed to tell you. Someday, I'm going to come visit you in a quirrel suit... o_O Sis told me I was going to
onisasha: O.o
onisasha: lol i took a test..this is what i got
onisasha: What? You're Owen.

Probably. You're not entirely sure. Just about everyone claims to be you. People have t-shirts which say that they're you. This scares you a great deal, and adds to the terrible sea of confusion and absent-mindedness that is your consciousness. Despite your near-terminal bewilderment, you're highly intelligent, if you can remember what's going on for long enough to make your point.

Oh look! A cloud!

What?


onisasha: im realy like that
kitsune_scythe: Hey... I got that too...
onisasha: my qoute.. "What?"
kitsune_scythe: Exactly...
kitsune_scythe: "What?" Is the best
onisasha: actualy mine would be "ah.."
onisasha: normal conversation when i enter a room: "Hey james!" "ah..."
kitsune_scythe: With me its something like
kitsune_scythe: "Hey Court!" ... *looks aroung like a nervous park squirrel*
onisasha: lol
onisasha: "James heres the plan we-" "What?"
kitsune_scythe: Congratulations, you're the bubonic plague!

You're infamous. You're usually deadly when left untreated. You're spread by a flea.

That's how cool you are.

If you wish, you can proudly tell the world that you wiped out much of the human population of the Earth hundreds of years ago with the following fine graphic:


kitsune_scythe: Lol. Like Noe did that one day
onisasha: lol
kitsune_scythe: "Fook! I'm stuck in my chair!" "Did you just say you were ****ing your chair?!" Lol She's dea
kitsune_scythe: *deaf
onisasha: lol
onisasha: LMAO!!!!
onisasha: I thought we could start drinking at 7, that way we'd be in a good delutionary mood when we get to the party
kitsune_scythe: Lol
kitsune_scythe: Ya know...
kitsune_scythe: I think I thought of a new humor thing from earlier...
kitsune_scythe: Yup... HEHE!!!
onisasha: O.o
kitsune_scythe: I walk into a chinese place and walk to the counter. The little chinese person's all Happy and peaceful "You want chicken?!" and so I'm like.. "I'll take the steak." The chineseperson suddenly starts this twitch thing and asks again "You... want the chicken???" So I'm like... Blink... No! I want the steak..." "TAKE THE GOD DAMN CHICKEN!!!!" "Holy fook! Alright! Put the chopstick down!"
kitsune_scythe: AAUUGHH
onisasha: lol!!
kitsune_scythe: Woo... sorry bout that
kitsune_scythe: Went a bit... out of it...
onisasha: oh dear
onisasha: im...under the infuance..
kitsune_scythe: It was so funny, I was talking to a friend of mine about that, and we had a giggle spazum for a while
kitsune_scythe: Huh? Of what?The fizzy water?
onisasha: yeah
onisasha: i put dish soap in it
kitsune_scythe: Like me and vanilla coke right now!
kitsune_scythe: ...Why did you do that?
onisasha: *violently vomits*
onisasha: loooong story
onisasha: well its actualy Dish soap resadue
kitsune_scythe: I have the time... o_O
onisasha: it got in there
onisasha: but it still taste funny
kitsune_scythe: I...see... That kinda sucks...
onisasha: i did it with Ice Tea, lol
onisasha: it tasted god
kitsune_scythe: You're drunk off dishsoap dear... *pat pat*
onisasha: *Good
onisasha: ..woo!
kitsune_scythe: Or from that one test... Nyah! Sounds like penis!
onisasha: Totty Wanker
onisasha: HAHAHAHAHAHA!! sounds like penis...AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
kitsune_scythe: Lol
onisasha: im an Alchaholic drunk
kitsune_scythe: I was too ^^
onisasha: woo!!! *passes out*
kitsune_scythe: Hey you... you're now dead with me
kitsune_scythe: Cus I died...
kitsune_scythe: As Spartacus!
kitsune_scythe: *leaps on comp desk* I AM SPARTACUS!
onisasha: "You know morse code?" "Yeah" "Well then tell me something in it.." "uh... ./..././..///." "What dose that mean..." "Uh....shut up numbnuts"
kitsune_scythe: Ich bin Spartacus! Hored sie meine Screi der Zerstorung!!!
kitsune_scythe: Lol
onisasha: DA!! ay?
kitsune_scythe: Translates to I am Spartacus, hear my cry of destruction...
kitsune_scythe: moo
onisasha: oh!! Funnyness time
onisasha: You know what sucked? Being an Egyptain..you see, they had to yell to send messages and a guy would be in the middle yelling it to the next guy. Heres an example "WE NEED MORE BRASS!!!" "huh!!?" 'HE SAID YOU HAVE A LARGE ASS!!". See? You'd send a message to your girlfriend and it'd come out like "I WANT TO LICK YOUR HEMROID" or something!
kitsune_scythe: Lol
kitsune_scythe: Nyaha! Hemroid!
onisasha: like..Metroid!
kitsune_scythe: And.... Poop
kitsune_scythe: AHAHA!!
onisasha: HAHAHHA!
kitsune_scythe: Peopel would think we were drunk if they read this
kitsune_scythe: Lol
onisasha: lol
onisasha: ..AND I SHALL POSTTH IT!
kitsune_scythe: Lol
onisasha: you realize this is being recorded..
kitsune_scythe: O! Tell 'em I said hi!!!
onisasha: wave hello to all the stupid people
kitsune_scythe: *waves insanely* HI STUPID PEOPOLE!! i LOVE YOU MOM!!!
kitsune_scythe: Lol
----------------------------------------------------------------------
NYAHAHAHAH!!! ph34r the pwnment

[Abe's son]

BWAHAHAHAH!! with my new Banner and Ava..I..WILL RULE THE WORLD!!!....no i wont..but they look cool!!!...but the avas ghetto shizit yo

[Disgruntled Intern]

This is stupid.

It's also closed.