Mj12

[Abe's son]

i'm writeing a pointless colum of ebil, and giveing Got ghand? life here, send me Escape plans(the don't have to make sense!) thru PM mmkay?ok time to start!


[:::BEGIN TRASMISSION:::]


...

I'm siting here seeing Ghand in pice's on the floor dead, that means i'm write'n his colum
....

YAY! FONKEY!!!! *ahem* ok back to more important matters, witch would be, what

...

wonder what Ghand did with Mr.Box

....

oh he burned him after contaminateing them with

well

....

Urine

..Moving on we have no Escape plans, sept one, lets open teh damn thing


(mail)

Hi AS heres an Escape plan

1.get a spork
2.poke the gaurd with it
3.keep doing it until the guard gets anoyed and ram's his head into the bars
4.take his keys and unlock yer sell
5.Eat crutons!


yay yer free!
(mail)



....

well i tried it, sept i eat teh crutons before i got out, mmm here listen

[START]


*AS pokes guard*

[GUARD]: *looks at him*

*AS dose it agian*
[GUARD]:stop
[AS]:asshat
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
*AS's arm fall's off*
[AS]:you suck
[END]

*clap* *clap* *clap*

...

well *kof* this is sucking



[:::END TRASMISSION:::]



yes it sucked, but pls send escape plans!

[Abe's son]

*looks around*
*see's a pail of old leters*

hey are'nt those *reads one* YES! THE ARE!!!

niffty im sucking and i find ghands old escape plans, here i'll read some of them maby i wont suck



*ahem*

---------------Hopefully not so useless escape plan #1------------------

1. You tell a guard that his friend is eating his candy. The guard will run off in a blind rage. Throw an object of high weight and density (Mr. T or a crowbar will do, but they are roughly the same thing anyway) at his head.
2. He will either pass out or come back and ask why you did it.
3.In the first case steal his keys.
4. In the second case ram a spork or a foon into his groin. While he is writhing in agony steal his keys.
5. Open the cell door and steal his stuff.
6. Go to where they are torturing me.
7. Open the door first, you fool.
8. Kill all of the guy in there. (NOT ME YOU IDIOT)
9. Unstrap me from the torture bed.
10. Carry my limp body out of the prison, all the time saying "You can make it Luminous!" and crying in rage when I periodically groan with agony.
11. Kill all the stuff in your way. (That would be everything living including the box and the cow and any guards but don't kill the little kid just kill the dog)
12. Find a sub.
13. Open the door first, you fool.
14. Drive it away. (The surface is probably the best place to drive to)
15. YOU HAVE JUST ESCAPED. Now find a hospital and get me fixed up.
16. Make me an honorary NSF member for being so brave.
17. Smile in the face of the MJ12 thugs.
18. Don't get caught again.
19. Close the door after you, you fool

-------------------------End of escape plan-----------------------------

wow that was kinda funny

here's another



.....

ok heres a letter



lol

Hello friend.

my name is Rice Krispies *snap crackle pop*. i thought i might drop you an e-mail, since you obviously do not have enough brain power to escape on your own. if it were me in there, i would easily escape by using my telepathic powers to make the guards whiz themselves, then i would laugh hysterically and yell SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!. but anyway. why don't you take your spork, and use it to construct a shrine, yes, a shrine, to the Evil Cow of Rice Krispies. Dance around the shrine 23.675 times, then yell COW! and ram your head into the bars of your cell. keep doing this until the bars break, then run up to the Box (the one that you beat at cards) and punch him. he will eat you, and you will die. good luck!

by the way, in your 6th episode of this article, you posted a letter from a little person by the name of Someone who cares. i would like to say that i know this person personally, and he is a complete and utter moron. who cares that your the president? they still won't let you out. you have to ESCAPE. duh. anyway, until next time, eat cheese, mix oatmeal, and worship the almighty Cow of Rice Krispies!


ok im done here....

*feed back plz!*

[Majic]

Humorous to read I like your AOL sign. Shame it wouldn't be allowed to make it even ruder. I despise AOL for what it is: A load of lies fed through a slow, crowded network and utterly useless options.

[Abe's son]

Originally posted by Majic_Abe
Humorous to read I like your AOL sign. Shame it wouldn't be allowed to make it even ruder. I despise AOL for what it is: A load of lies fed through a slow, crowded network and utterly useless options.

thak'ies


I've acting strage lately the guards have been puting something in my food, usely im a'moron

....wait


oh ya i opened somthing, look what was inside:


i burst into flame's, then this poped out:
| _______________________
|_____|| ' ' ' | ' ' ' | ' ' ' | ' ' ' | ' ' ' | \ \
|_____|.....TRAQLIZER.......................|-----------
| _______________________/
|

*injects self*
wwwwooooo tripy *pas's out*

[send escape palns thru pm to me
[I'm looking for somone else interested in helping me write this pm me
[if you want to be intreveiwed by me(for no reson) just pm me

[Abe's son]

*wakes up* damn that hurt traq. not for j00

ok one sec
*two days later*

LOOK I HASS MADE SWORDS OUT OF MY sinck my tolit my lunch trays my miror and ghands bone's!


0===|;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;> yay
0===\:::::::::::::::::::::::::::> uh...YAY
O====|<><><><><><><><><> to impale
0===|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||> what the hell is it

i try them now



1st sword


[begin recording]



RA! *attacks guard*

*stab*

OH MY GOD TH-*stab* *stab* *stab*

I WIN!!!!!
[end]


try num2

[begin recording]


YAAA

*slash* *mual* *cut* *dismember*

yay

[end]

try num3


[begin recording]

*charge* *IMPALE*
w00t

[end]


try num4

[begin recording]

YA! *bump*

F***K! *RATATATATATA*
*i slup over*

[FAIL end]






ow my face.....

[Abe's son]

OK let me tell you MJ12 is ebil, that guard look what he made me do!




i was trying to crap then i passed out from pain!

my face still hurts...






..... MARIO GIVE ME TEH PIZZA!

realy i've been quite lonely lately, siting here, typing......
So i've posted somthing, trying to get people down here to take a tour of the under water prsion, its not gona hapen, but i like to think so......well, i'm suger high right now....................
*eats a pice of pizza*

my face STILL hurts......

"WERE THE **** IS THE BACITRACEIN"

love that comic

disturbing thou..


...

i cant feel my face now


i need medical attention!

.......i need

...

THE MIB!

[Gard]:*throws rat at me*

*rat gnaws my figer off and runs away*

......

poot.


[ end trasmision ]

[Ghandaiah]

*ahem* i have been alerted from my email that you AS were writing this, and i have one thing to say, i will BLESS THE


I’ve been lonely recently. Quite lonely.

Sitting in my cell all by myself. Mr. T doesn’t pay me any visits any more. They don’t let me out of my cell to wander the halls any more. Not since they implanted those butt augs...


[img]http://www.planetdeusex.com/features...and/11/gas.jpg[/img]

And Mr. Box is gone too. I’ve been missing him as of late. I’m afraid he’s in those burgers... now in the bowels of the MJ12 guards... Or perhaps, the bowel movements of them. And MJ12 is treating me like I’m not even alive. They were starting to use my cell for storage. Their single underwater facility is getting a bit too cramped.

They’ve been putting boxes in my room.

That’s when I realized.

I have all the Mr. Boxes I’d ever need.

But then, since I’d been getting high off the marker fumes, and contaminated the boxes with my... well...

Urine...

They had to burn them all.

...

So now I’m lonely again.


Did I ever tell you guys about the completion of the puppy division?

Advertisement
Oh, yeah, they finished that a while back. To test it out, they gave each prisoner their own dog, and they had this big dog show so the dogs could test our their doggy augs.

...

They were testing out their running augs...

...

All the dogs had to run across the room as fast as they could and come immediately over to their owner.

Xavier’s dog mauled him. So your story is obviously false. Because he’s been dead long before you were born, mister, and he’ll be dead loooong before you’re dead.

Anyway, it was my dog’s turn...

...

My dog ran halfway across the room. Then it stopped dead... And crapped. Right there. On the floor. In front of everybody.

...

They laughed at me. All of them. Said that the dog must have butt augs too. WELL I’LL SHOW THEM. I’LL SHOW THEM ALL. I’LL GIVE THEM THE BEST DAMN DOG THEY’VE EVER SEEN.

[img]http://www.planetdeusex.com/features...d/11/doggy.jpg[/img]


Down, Fido.

Down.

That’s a good boy.

FIDO.

...

*Ghand pokes audience unsurely.*

He’s dead, Jim

Confusing? Perhaps for those of the weaker mind. But for those of the stronger, the relation will come clear easily.

...

What the hell did I just say?

Man... I wonder what MJ12 has been putting into my food recently.

Normally I’m an idiot!

I mean... uh...

I’m... always... this smart... uhm... aha...

*sweats*

And now back to acting like a fool in meaningless columns to get a few cheap laughs!

BIRD BIRD BIRD! BIRD IS THE WORD!

well um....somthing

[MunchOnThis]

Wow so humourous!! LOL I like this, it's pretty random I say!! I love it!! Especially that AOL thingy-ma-bob and that 'your mum' picture!! Very funny!!

-Alexy

[Abe's son]

YAY! now i just might update!

[Abe's son]

Last night, in Odd chat, i met some very nice people, I'm gona list some..

Al the Vykker
Kai(you helped alot)
and um....well thats it!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reads of MJ12, i bring you a whole lot of pointless niss

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.........
....
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....
........
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..
...........








you like no!

no......



It’s a long and GRIPPING tale... Even more gripping than those wonderful trailers for the MONSTER-HIT movie “Enough”... So I’ll try my best not to jumble the events in my current state of wild excitement!

Plus the music. That damn music. The damn whipper-snappers and their hazy-eyes. I'll show them how to REALLY tie a shoe. I mean, REALLY. Can't even make a decent loop.

Some nice white shoelaces. That's what they need.

Mmmh.

It all started with my usual daily routine of passing my day by staring blankly at this box of Deus Ex (which the guards have been so MERCILESS as to throw in my cell to TORMENT me, since I have no way of actually PLAYING the game). There I sat, in a puddle of my own excrements (I never actually move from my seat while staring at said box), contemplating why, OH WHY, it’s taken so long for my rescue thus far. I mean... THIS ARTICLE IS ON PLANET DEUS EX... THE MOST FAMOUS OF ALL INTERNET SITES EVER... Someone should’ve NOTICED and broken me out of this crap-basket by now...

Well, just as I had gone without blinking for eight consecutive hours, the most unexpected of visitors paid me a... uh... visit.

Lemme tell ya, I’ve been unexpectedly visited by solid-color cartoon characters before, but this guy just FREAKED ME OUT... The guy wears a big green overcoat and a funny hat... He’s so LAID-BACK... You know what he wears beneath that zippy outfit? The man is naked!

So he was gunna break me out, and, uh, things like that, you know, generally require plans. And though I get, well, enough of said plans on a daily basis to fill my own pants, they’re all BURNING MATERIAL! GARBAGE FOR THE GARBAGE BIN! WORHTLESS! UTTERLY USELE-... Uh... I mean, how nice of you to send them, eheh, uh, I...

...

Well, after the guards CONFISCATED our MASTERFULLY CREATED YODA THRONE(after marveling for a moment at why there was a greenish cartoon guy in my cell, and then realizing, oh, it’s because they’re all idiots and will stare at anything shiny, hey, look, a quarter, on the floor, OH, JESUS SHINE THE BRIGHTNESS CHRIST), which we spent TWELVE HOURS on (and used Legos fashioned entirely from one empty bottle of Preparation H), they then proceeded to play twenty seven consecutive games of “who can drink an entire gallon of chunky milk without vomiting all over themselves and their surroundings,” which really wasn’t a bright idea to begin with. What was I saying? Oh, yes. Yoda is the man.

Uh... Then we got the REAL DEAL... Blueprints of the compound, baby (obtained from that ominous old man in the vents. Seriously, who can live without an ominous old man in the vents? You guys don’t know what you’re missing)... we had our work laid out for us... Oh yeah... Just had to get a couple of MAGIC MARKERS and scribble out the GAME PLAN...
That man, that man, is the man......

[Abe's son]

YES... JOIN ME, OBI TWIGLET, AND TOGETHER WE WILL CRUSH THE GAMESPY!

No... NO! Must deny FilePlanet-smashing urges... ACTUALLY A GOOD SERVICE... ACTUALLY A GOOD SERVICE... KEEP IT TOGETHER... Keep it together... NO! HULK SMASH!





We all hate FilePlant...don't we.......DON'T WE, DON'T DENIE IT! YOU WAN'T TO DESTROY THE EVIL!!!

Well guse what.

...

I do too.


I leave you with this: If it wer'nt for FilePlanet, what excuse would we have for nor taking out the garbege, or stuff like that, Think about that, and tell me, no the READER, no THE WORLD WHAT YOUR OPOINYON IS!

[Kaimana]

Oh my Im glad you got me to read this AS. This is some weird and funny stuff. Make more please. I await the updates. keep it up.

[MunchOnThis]

Be afraid be very afraid!! Of the Nacho man!! Ahahahahaha!!

*wakes up in cell after a dream of madness*

Behold the nacho man!!! Ahahahahaha!!!

*beep*

*beep*

*beep*

*goes to cell with multicoloured padded walls*

Boing boing!! Uh oh it's the badgers......

Badger #1: I'm in for trying to murder Super Mario, but instead I murdered a innocent man called Douglas the pizza man *sob*

Did I ask what you're in for you moronic fools?? NO so off with you Ahahahaha!!

*escape plan attempt one*

*throws genade at the door and it bounces back towards Alecks (me) and she throws it at the badger and *BOOM*

*escape plan attempt two*

*starts trying to kick door down but starts boucing back and forth thanks to the padded walls*

*escape plan attempt three (and hopefully thrid time lucky ja? )

*straps C:4 to the badger and runs in the corner with fingers in ears*

C:4: 5, 4, 3, 2, Wait......*sips coffee*,1......*BOOM*

*The cell explodes relaving the corridoor outside and runs like a chicken*

*beep*

*beep*

STOP THAT BLASTED BEEPING!!

*stomps on beeper*

Jeebus, that was cl- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

*BOOM*

*fuzzes*

*fuzzes*

We are currently experincing some diffculties with the explovises......It may take a while to figure what the hell is going on....So for the time being here some annoying music..

*beep*

*fuzzes*

*annoying music plays*

*annoying music plays for apporz. 48 hours*

We have now realized there is no problems.....Sorry for wasting your sweet time. Ta-da!!

*BOOM-click*

Oh geez I had to wait for 2 days for that?!! What's the point?? Oh the humanity!! THE HUMANITY!! What's this world coming to??

Guard: *wearing a peach tutu dancing to swan lake*

..............THE HORROR THE HORROR!!!

*runs away screaming while re-stoming on her beeper*

Beeper:........End transmission......Ja.....now it's time for let's speak Spanish with General Z.......*fuzzes*

*sees another guard with rifle and goes all chicken*

*sees the infamous nacho man*

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHICH WAY TO RUN?? What now?? The nacho man looks so......nachoy and boy am I hungry after one day in prision I haven't eaten for 24 hours!! And that scaryyyyyy guard looks pretty mad. I think now's a good time for my magical...

*music comes on*

PINK CAFFI!!

Magical, loyal pink caffi won't fail me......

*Randomly hears 'Wheels on the bus' in background*

*dramatic music*

The nacho man........likes twiglets??!!He has insulted the nacho tribe......NOOOOOOOOO DOWN WITH TWIGLETS!!

Riot, riot!!

Pepper spray, pepper spray!!

Riot, riot!!

Pepper spray, pepper spray!!

Riot, riot!!

Pepper spray, pepper spray!!

Riot, riot!!

Pepper spray, pepper spray!!

OK Stop repeating already.....

*hits CD*

Man I hate it when CD's get stuck.....Tsk tsk

*dramatic music*

Will Alecks get out of random madness??

I like it here......I don't wanna go home!!

Will that guard stop dancing in that frilly tutu??

Will the nacho man dishonor the nacho tribe??

Find out.........Neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

........Kidding.

-Alecks

[Abe's son]

*is happy*

well as you can see, they threw MOT in here 2... poor poor Alek

well
...

There you have it folks

the power of the Fonkeyness with in us

you all have it with'in you, and some

...

more than others

*looks around*

my work is done.....

[Abe's son]

Ow lately my inerds have been hurting me, so i thought a should tell the gaurds, guse what, the don't care....

well MJ12 is going to be dying down fer now, but it will be more offenly updated when vacations come, and you'll be seeing some huge updates during the summer, i will have alot of time on my hands, I HAVE'NT GOTEN ANY F***ING ESCAPE PLANS!!! as i told you PM them to me!!

[MunchOnThis]

OK..time to escape....

*sees guard dressed up like Micheal Jackson and dancing*

AHHHHHHHHH!!! NOT HIM!!!

*punches and kicks him to a pulp*

Right......to distract ze guards but how.......

*sees badger with a megaphone singing Men In Black*

Badger: *tunelessly singing* Here come the men in the black.....Galaxy defenders......

Gimme that Yasmin badger!!!

Badger: I have to sing and perfect my beautiful voice...I'm planning to sing Titanic to the old folks at the retirement home.

*rolls eyes and knock the badger out with megaphone*

Hehehe now to sing a random song......loud.....I must think what song I'll sing to scare the guards away tempoaryly...Mmmmm

*thinks*

*~*~ 72 days later *~*~

I got it.....I'll sing tainted love!!!

*deep breath*

Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
I've lost my lights
I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

Guard: What's that unbearble sound??

Guard #2: AH MY EARS!!!

Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Tainted love
Tainted love

Badger: *explodes and fur flys everywhere*

Guard #3: JESUS!!! *plugs up ears with C:4*

Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
You think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way

*headbangs*

Guards: AHHHHHHHH THIS IS BAD!!! IT'S GONNA BLOW!!

Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Tainted love
Tainted love

Seymour: NOOOOOOoooooooooooOOOOOO!!!

Self Destruct System: 11 mins to total destruction

Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go
Touch me baby, tainted love
Touch me baby, tainted love
Touch me baby, tainted love


Self Destruct System: 5 mins to total destruction

Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Tainted love
Tainted love
Tainted love

Self Destruct System: 50 seconds

There.....distraction worked. Now to run to the armouy room!!

*runs*

*dramatic music*

Will Alecks make it in time?
Will the guards get over it?
Will Self Destruct System Lady explode??

Find out........NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

j/k I just had to do that

-Alecks

[Abe's son]

i promised yer spicel now heres yer spucle!

Okay if you do'nt PM me esscape plans or opitions, THERE WON'T BE AN MJ12!!

[Abe's son]

MJ12 is going to be restarted!! *crickets* .... well no one realy cares but ohwell!! Anyway, rane might be helping me with the creation of this pice crap. Anyway, its going to have a little storyline like Parts and chapters, I'll be writing Part:1 Pretty damn soon. So SEE YA THEN CRUTONS!!

[Majic]

And uh yea, please make a meager attempt to make it coherent and understandable. I think it might be a bit better if you can make it easier for all to read

[Abe's son]

AS:*sits there in the shadows of his cell* Here I sit, its been what 3 years now?
U: *little rubber ball thing* *squeek*
AS: yea, 3 years, siting waiting to be released, all the t-*splash* AW CRAP I SPILT MY COFFIE!!
U:*squeek*
AS: ow, it is mildly hot but oh well, my lunch should come soon if the guard remebers
Guard: huhu........*snort* huhu.....
AS:....looks like I'm not geting lunch! *looks around cell* well, I can always try eating U, that never works though, oh well *starts to gnaw on U*


2 hours later

AS: *spit* *cough* *vomit* eeew, U taste's nasty like plasitc. Yuck, anyway *bangs on cell door* EEE!!! FEEEEED ME!!!
Guard #1: WHAT ARE YOU DOING num.0 FEED THE....THING!
Guard: oh yea *slides food to AS*
AS:*eats it* taste's like plastic, oh well at least it ain't chewy!
Guard #2: Get this man a sink
Guard #1: A sink! I though he already had a sink!
Guard: Nope the took it out after the sink and sword incident, but we can get him a buket of water
Guard #2: No he needs a sink
Guard #1: the only other sink is in G's cell!
Guards 1 2 and 0: *look at each other* .... *run off, alot of clanking and yelling is herd, then a small explostion and the spraying of water*
Guards 1 2 and 0: *come back with a sink, then throw it in AS's room*
Sink: *thud*
AS: Ahh!!! Sink in my cell!! ....*laughs*
Guard #3: *walks in and see's 1,2 and 0 at AS's cell door* What are you doing?
Guard #2: Geting this man a sink
Guard #3: but prisoner num 7683. is not alowed to HAVE a sink
Guard #2: will I think he should
Guard #3: well, he can't!
Guard: well I think-
Guard #1: oh shut up, no-one cares what you think...
Guard: hey..
AS: um...yea
U: *squeek*
AS: shut up, they'll notice us
U: *squeek*
AS: good point...


[ ::: end a very stoopid begining ::: ]

[ ::: next data file, Rats ::: ]





LOADING.......

[Abe's son]

[::: WARNING: Incomeing message preparing to recive :::]
[::: now recieving message... :::]
RECEVING....
RECEVING....
RECEVED, LOADING...
MESSAGE LOADING NOW OPENING



*bewoop*

Message from: AS
Message to: everyone who cares!
Message: Hello guys, I'm gona tell ya'll (( *ponders why he said that.. )) that my friend Rane is going to join the forums to help me write MJ12, and that this will be a truely horrible mess one way or anthor, exspect Rats pretty soon, and well, keep on reading


[::: Message end :::]
NOW DEACTIVEATING....STUFF.....
D- AW FERGET IT!

[nads]

need...more...hilarious...pictures...mario....AOL...crap...your mom...need!