My Hospital

[Wil]

Over the past few years, Norfolk has invested millions in a new state-of-the-art hospital for Norfolk, a county in England. All other NHS hospitals have shut down or been turned into private health care companies, and the new hospital in Colney is expected to serve the entire of Northern East Anglia. And so I'm telling you about it hear, partly because it's been awhile since I had a really good moan, partly because it's funny.

The Location
What better location for a hospital? In the middle of a field, miles away from Norfolk's capital, with only one access road? I mean, hooray, thank goodness we can be sure that's okay.

Guess who chose the location? Government? Nope. NHS? Nope. Administrative staff? Wrong again. It was the consultant doctors. Do you know why they chose that location? Because they live righ next to it, and also because it's right next to Bupa, a private health care centre. What they're doing is going to work for the NHS, then crossing the road and working a Bupa for more money! The cheek!

There are only two ways to get to the Colney Hospital - Colney Lane or Watton Road. Colney Lane is actually out-of-bounds. The only people who can use it are people who live in Colney, buses that take staff to work at the hospital, and ambulances. There is actually a high fine for anyone who uses the lane. The Watton Road, on the other hand, is the only legal way to reach the hospital. In fact, there are so many people trying to get in the hospital, queues are forming. And that's not good news for people wanting to use the Watton Road to get to Watton, because they have to wait hours just to get home from work.

All it takes is one little accident - which is more than likely, given the conditions - on the Watton Road, and the entire hospital access is in chaos. It's already in chaos anyway. People do actually use the Colney Lane, even though they're not allowed, and damn it they're getting away with it.

Ah yes, Colney Lane, the only way for buses to reach the hospital. But buses can't pass each other on the lane, it's so thin. Neither can cars or ambulances for that matter. And the Transport Ministry won't allow another access road. They should, but at least they're making their point.

What the consultants have done is pick a location in a field, knocked down the fence and started building immediately. Absolutely no thought has gone into transport or services, and transport and services are really mucked up, as you'll see. Not only that, but the building is terrible. Patients and staff are angry with one another, and staff are angry with their highers and lowers. It's appauling.

The Buses
Colney Hospital has struck a four-year agreement with Eastern First Buses - many of the staff must now get buses to work. Nothing wrong with that...

...except they have to pay to get to work.
Oh, and First Buses are the most unreliable service in Norwich.
And even then, there's only a one-lane-two-way road to get to the hospital.

And the bus parking spaces are right up near the hospital, where the disabled parking should be. Disabled people are having to go on long treks just to reach the hospital. And when the four-year contract ends, staff aren't even going to be able to get to work.

Parking
...is an absolute horror of horrors. Firstly, there are 1400 staff car parking spaces for 6000 staff. Patient and visitor parking is okay, but disable parking is nowhere near the hospital building. Ambulances park outside A and E okay, but bus parking...well, there aren't shelters. Which means people get wet. Very wet.

The car park is also owned by Norfolk Council, which means there's a price - yep, you have to pay to park outside the hospital, whether you're a patient or visitor. What the Admin has done is agree they won't make a profit for the first four years. What the heck? What sort of crappy person does that?

Oh, and the eits aren't marked, so you could drive around for hours without leaving the car park. Yippee! Fun! Anyone planning on going for a road trip?

Catering
...is complete rubbish. The food itself is okay, but everything about it is terrible. There is one canteen with 250 seats to serve 6000 staff and 900 patients plus visitors plus admin. Two hundred and fifty seats for over seven thousand punters.

And you have to pay for your meals. You can't just have a free meal, because the hospital doesn't cook its meals - it sends away for them. In the past, the N&N Hospital prepared its own meals, and they were very good, and they were free. Now you have to pay for shipped-in meals. And you have to order them a day ahead of lunchtime. So you can't actually eat on your first day.

Patient Comfort
Patients get a real rough time in Colney Hospital. Like - payphones were only just installed, and TVs are only now being installed. What's worse is that you have to pay to use the phones, and you have to pay for watching TV. In the past, both this things were done free.

Advertising (yes, the hospital was advertised. Evil consumer goods, move out the way, because Britain advertises the news and it advertises the health service.) for the new hospital claimed that patients got a lovely view of an open pasture. Well, no, they don't. It's a muddy field, and you'll still be lucky if you get to see it, because most of the wards are on the other side of the hospital.

Oh, and patients aren't allowed privicy anymore. No curtains. No screens. And the hospital layout means that you can look out of a window and into another window - you can clearly see people getting changed and having all their tests. What sort of treatment is that? There are gonna be sick people just standing there watching these poor patients.

The poor patients have no free contact with the outside world, and they can be spied on by sick twisted individuals. Nice hosiptal.

Well, I'll be back soon with such interesting hospital cock-ups, such as Architecture, Staff and Doors. Doors in particular is a lengthy section of blunders and mistakes. Yes, we can't get doors right...

Enjoy yourself...

[Joe the Intern]

Damn, Max! That's one hell of a hospital you've got there. I sure as hell wouldn't wan't someone looking in on me from somewhere else in the hospital. *shudders*

[Danny]

Phew... One more reason to be glad that I live in Yorkshire...

[Wil]

Or from the outside, which is possible too.

I've forgotten what I wrote in the first topic. I probably won't get round to doing a proper Part 2 as such, but...

Staff
Staff get a really rough time in the Colney Hospital, because workers such as caterers, cleaners, gardeners and even porters work under contract - they're not part of the NHS.

This is probably worse off for the patients than the staff though, because while the latter don't get as much money, the former get more money taken away from them.

Of course, I've mentioned the First Buses and the poor parking and dining facilities, but secretarial offices and toilets are a nightmare. You're not allowed to hang things on the walls or ceilings, and you can't put stuff on the work desks, other than work. So my dear mum, who is a medical secretary, and her office mates just put all the Christmas decorations, telephones and other stuff on the floor. By the door. It would be by the fire exit to really get those bigwigs upset, but there isn't one. That sounds safe, doesn't it?

Toilets? Well, they're bereft of, shall we say, sanitary facilities for - that time of the month, and both men and women have to share the same cubicals. Now how's that for disguisting?

Doors
You know when you've got a really good and impressive problem when you can't get doors to work:

* Doors in the hospital are permanently locked, only unlocked temporarily by swipe cards. Good, except there's no backup system, and if the power were to be stunted, every part of the hospital would be available to everyone - and that includes those sick twisted individuals I mentioned earlier...

* The power to these locks has been stunted...

* Doors to wards are held open by magnets so porters can get though easily. Except the magnets have been cut off, and porters have to struggle through the ward doors.

* Speeking of ward doors, they only open one way. Not good for emergencies.

Several other things to consider: to improve aesthetics and energy efficiency, most of the lobby walls are made of glass. But there's no ventilation. The hospital can get stuffier than a greenhouse in winter, let alone summer.

As said before, the hospital has 900 beds...to serve an area with a population of about half a million.

[DarkHoodness]

JEEZE! And I thought Southend Hospital sucked! Colney makes Southend sound like a DREAM!
I'm so glad I don't have it as my local hospital. . .
On the subject of hospitals, the best I have ever been to is Hammersmith Hospital in London. The only problem I've ever found with it is too many people, and having to queue for hours to do anything, but the exellent service is well worth it.
- DH

[Oddsville]

Sorry Max, sounds like that place sucks. If I where you, I would try to send a letter or pettition to the mayor, but you probably shouldn't listen to my advice right now on the count that Im extreemly tired.