I'm Batman.

[Strike Witch]

Like a great, black Scythe, The Dark Knight glided across the cityscape of Gotham City. He smashed through the window of the 7/11, front-flipping and landing, perfectly, supernaturally, on top of a stack of canned beets. The no-good thugs turned their guns away from the cashier and pointed towards the Dreaded Vigilante. One of them spoke.
“Who are you?”
And the figure stood and looked them in the eye, like a grim spectre of Justice and Despair.
“I’m Batman.”

The other thug rolled his eyes and shot Batman in the chest, and he crumpled into the pile of cans with a deafening clang. Blowing the smoke off his gun, he turned to his compatriot.
“Told you I’m hot-stuff. I just finished off the Batman.” His friend was unresponsive, shaking.
The thug looked blank for a few moments, and waved his fingers in front of the cowering criminals’ eyes, which were focused at a point just past the first thug’s shoulder. After thinking over the situation based on that horror movie he saw last week, the robber deflated somewhat.
“…He’s right behind me, isn’t he?”
His companion nodded as Batman nailed the thief in the back with a powerful punch. As the first criminal crumpled to the floor, the other one went down in a faint.
Batman stood triumphant among the unconscious criminals, before scooping up the bag with the stolen money and handing it to the clerk with a stoic look.
“I’m Batman.”
“Yes, I-I know.”
And with that, the Dark Knight was gone, heading off down the street. Pressing a secret button hanging from his secret utility belt, the sleek, black, shiny Batmobile rolled out of the darkness and opened its’ cockpit. Entering his smooth, winged, and dark vehicle, Batman sped down the road, looking for more criminals to bring to justice.

His trip down the road was stopped shorter then it should have been, when Batman detected the scent of a burning orphanage on the winds, supernaturally. With incredible skill and stealth, The Dark Knight sprang from his vehicle and flew on his glider-wings through the streets towards a small flaming building. Entering through the upper story window, for he never used the door, he noticed something strange. The flames, Batman realized with his incredible intellect and amazingly intuitive detective-work, that the flames were merely fake red lights and a smoke machine, while the burning orphanage-smell was merely a child’s shirt with a candle underneath and a small fan. Batman’s handsomely strong yet powerfully terrifying eyelids narrowed. Somebody was setting up a trap.

Moving into the center of the building, The Dark Knight stood ready to defend against any attack. Suddenly, and without any warning, three mysterious figures appeared around him. They were shadowed, but Batman could see that they were people and not holograms. A harsh, nasal voice rang out.
“We’ve got you, Batman! We, your greatest enemies!”
Batman paused, bracing himself.
“I’m Batman.”
The voice wheezed slightly.
“Err, yes, we know. Ah, anyway! We will now battle you one at a time, so you stand but a chance. Mua! Mua-Haha! Muahahahah!”
Batman raised his fists, ready for his first opponent. The shadow who came striding out of the darkness was a young, stocky, tanned girl wearing overalls and a worker’s cap, her hair done up in a neat ponytail. She wore gloves, and wielded a power-saw and a Staple gun in each hand. The girl raised them threateningly towards The Dark Knight.
“Ready for me, Bats? The Carpenter will cut you down to size!”
Batman merely looked at her for several minutes, before raising his left eyebrow ever so slightly. He spoke one word with incredible strength.
“Seriously?”
The affect it had on the Carpenter was incredible. She hesitated, started sweating, and glanced around the room, over her shoulder, at her weapons of death, at her sneakers, before throwing the weapons aside and looking ashamed of herself.
The Batman deftly removed a pair of his sleek Batcuffs and threw them to her, and the Carpenter arrested herself and went to wait outside.

Batman turned to face his next opponent. A short girl sprang forward, dressed in a ridiculous white-blue dress with floral patterns and colourful frills, and wielding a very large white rod with a shiny gemstone at the tip. She looked like some high-schooler.
Batman again raised his eyebrow. This girl, however, was unaffected by his Devastating Psychological Onslaught, and she struck an impractical pose.
“Watashi wa… Densetsu no Shojo!”
For a third time, Batman raised his eyebrow, but quickly ducked as the rod swept through the air above him. ‘Densetsu no Shojo’ was fast on her feet, and swung at The Caped Crusader faster then any foe he’d fought before. Batman was at his limit.
Suddenly, she let up, moving back. Batman was bracing himself.
Densetsu no Shojo pointed her rod straight out, and let out a fierce battle-cry.
“STARLIGHT BREAKER~”
Batman crouched, expecting the worst as she charged at him.
Curiously, the blow never came, and all the Dark Knight heard as he waited for the pain was a thump… and a sob. He looked up, and saw that his fierce foe had tripped on a floorboard and fallen over, and was now crying. Hoping to preserve his shattered dignity, Batman walked over, calmly patted the girl on the head and sent her home with a note.
“Darn Cosplayers,” He muttered, “Made me worry it was the real thing.”
The Midnight Avenger’s attention was returned to the room by that nasal voice again.
“Very good, Batman, very good”, said the voice, “But you won’t defeat me!”
Batman raised his fists in defensive position again, even though his taut, well-toned muscles were like body-armour already. He prepared himself for a great battle.
”I’m Batman.”
“Yes, I know!”
A scrawny, unfriendly looking man swaggered out of the darkness. He was dressed in a horribly worn black bodysuit, a purple cape that was too short, and his entire right arm was a huge, impractical metal shield. He snorted.
“I am…The Human Mirror!”
Batman was getting a lot of use out of his left eyebrow tonight.
“I have the power of true reflections, Batman! The power of True Reflections!”
The Mirror dashed forward, and slammed his shield-arm down in front of Batman. It was a giant Mirror, showing Batman’s entire body. But something was strange.
He looked into the mirror, and a different face was staring back. Rather, it wasn’t his face, but an Unmasked Bruce Wayne, his alter-ego, dressed in a tuxedo. The Dark Knight was shocked by the implications. This Mirror-man knew who he was! He could blackmail Batman into untold numbers of possible situations! He could oust the Dark Knight in front of the world! Batman was literally shaking in his sleek black boots.
The Human Mirror poked his scrawny head around and had a look.
“So...uh...Who’s that?”
Batman suddenly realized why this villain had never gotten very far in life. He didn’t pay any attention to current events enough to know who anybody was.
Aware of this, Batman simply punched the lights out of the scrawny foe, and smashed his mirror.

The Dark Knight exaggeratedly sighed and walked away.

“I wouldn’t know. I’m Batman.”

The End.