Oddworld Reborn

[Strangers Wrath]

For my last story it didn't really work out so I've got another one

Oddworld Reborn

Chapter one: Profits

Sam the Slig was walking away from Rupture Farms after his first shift, he had seen many a mudokon made into lunch after being pushed into the grinder. Sam the Slig was starting to wonder if they had gone to far with mudokon pops. The glukons had been running the mudokon pop trial for a year now, they were getting alot more profits but their workers were getting turned into food. The place was a mess, they had to get more mudokons to work, how would Sam the slig tell the glukons, he needed to bring up the motion in the staff meeting tonight. Anyway, Sam didn't need to worry about that now, he could think about it when he started his second shift. So Sam went to the lunch room, "What would you like today?" a slig wearing a chefs hat asked, Sam looked at the menu, he was tempted to have a fleech family pack but was trying to eat healthy. "Just a slurg snack today, thanks" Sam said, the slig bent down and picked up a rectangular shaped plate and gave it to Sam. Sam walked over to a table and sat down, next to him he could hear a group of slogs eating messily. Sam gobbled up his meal and went back to the counter and handed the other slig the plate. He then made his way over to the slig baracks, Sam went inside the barracks after using the voice lock to get in, he saw a bunch of his friends talking so he went over and joined in. Then Sam's friends had to get back and continue their shift, Sam finally got some time to think about the workers, Sam didn't care about the mudokons feelings or anything like that he was just worried about how many workers they were loosing, Sam just like the other sligs had to get back to his shift.

What do you think so far?

[MeechShrykull1029]

This is better than the last one.

[Munch's Master]

This is an OK start. I'd advise you spend a bit more time fleshing out environments and actions though. Rattling off how they moved around, went to certain locations, chated, then had to return to work is fine for quick development, but for an introduction I'd advise you flesh it out a bit more. Introductions can work at a fast pace if there is immediate action, but if it's a passive introduction like yours, you want to progress slower and develop things further.

Just some tips: Describe the Barracks more. Describe the characters' appearance. Explain the relationships/links between Sam and his friends (names help too). Also, elaborate on Sam's thoughts about the Mudokon Pops- perhaps give him a voice, so we can 'hear' inside his head'.

A tip I'll give you for down the road that has become something I tend to do is- don't make any characters incidental. Even if they have 1 scene with 3 lines, give them just the tiniest bit of personality or backstory. It again makes everything more real and composite. But don't worry about that until later, as it can be hard to control (there's characters I've intended as incidentals who have become minor recurring characters, for instance).

Anyway, yeah it is a good start for a new writer, it just needs fleshing out a bit. You could have a real good and interesting story here, so keep going!

[Buzzy]

Meh not to bad,

Off topic: Hey guys I'm a newbie

Back to topic: Are you posting anymore?

[simon6443]

Its Ok put neds more stuff.

[mitsur]

I agree with MM's statements, but would like to add one tiny note. Space out your paragraphs whenever someone new speaks, it makes it easier to read and follow who is talking. People don't like to read huge paragraphs due to the ease that they can lose their place or whats going on.

Plus, it makes it look like you've done more work then you actually did, which is always a bonus for lazyass people like me.