Oddworld Forums > Zulag Three > Fan Corner


 
Thread Tools
 
  #1  
08-16-2007, 04:17 PM
Mac Sirloin's Avatar
Mac Sirloin
Less worse
 
: Aug 2006
: Exquisite Squalor
: 5,657
Blog Entries: 301
Rep Power: 27
Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)
An unplanned excerpt

Chapter 1

For every abandoned house, business and vehicle, there was blood. Everywhere, no bodies, no survivors, no corpses of any kind, just blood.
They came in monoliths, enormous rectangular ships, vertically planting themselves for whatever purpose they needed. They were the size of entire city blocks, each one without distinction from the last, each epitomized by the sense of dread and hrror that they seemed to emit.

They landed in random locations, some colliding with others as they descended, in fact, they damaged each other more than any military force could even dream of doing.
Some jutted out of large buildings, like some colossal outgrowth, others would land in the countryside, standing as monuments of the impending hell.

Mudos was the only continent attacked at first, so Queen Margaret was moved to another, assumedly safer location.
Some Mudokons said that it was the reckoning of the Industrial races, that no Glukkon, Slig, Vykker, Chronicler, Intern, Oktigi or Wolvark would be spared.
This was a half-truth.
Because, though they were the first attacked, it was only to buckle any chance of rebellion, the natives wouldn't require any effort in extinguishing their presence.

But they did not chance that the Natives would flee at the first sign of offensive tactics, so they ecaped.
In 6 days from then every one of the ships were gone.
No one saw them leave, nobody saw anything, anyone who survived had fled to a 600 mile distance from any monoliths they saw.

Those of the industrial races that survived completely ignored the whole thing, effectively making a comeback in full force.
In 7 weeks all damage had been repared, the Slaves re-captured and Margaret returning to her seat of Command once again.

However, this was only in Southern Mudos, as the north was still seemingly under the control of a single monolith. One that had landed in a mountain side, and been struck by two others, and apparently, was stranded.

Glukkons did not dare send any forces to it, part of their plan not to acknowledge it and out of a deep-seated fear that it may trigger another attack.
I was an Outlaw Prospector, reformed, working independantly on finding unclaimed land and selling the rights to Industrialists, retrieving a hefty profit in the process.

I had been at home ( a Tent set up near the Scrabania/Paramonia Border) when the to be broken Monolith struck a mountain not 60 kilometres away.
Miraculously, I was not found, but was the only one who remained near one of the monstrosities during the ten day attack.

When I found myself in a city, I recounted the appearance of the thing to some soldier boys in an old Tavern. They weren't true rectangles, as the tip sticking out of whatever surface was pointed on one side, like someone had diagnally cut the top off of it.
Somehow this found its way to a sleazy reporter named Drood Cerf, a freelance Intern-cum-photojournalist. He offered me three-thousand moolah to bring him to it, I told him that this story would make him too rich for his oown good, and technically, its my property.

You see, I had just purchased the entirety of of a thought-unclaimable circly of territory from the Glukkon who owned it, for cheap price, as he didn't want property with an enormous death machine within it.

Regardless, Drood refused to offer me more, so I told him I woudln't take him. Qccording to his obituary, he had left to find it himself when he got attacked by a sleg pack on Paramonias forest floor.
When I read the rather small article regarding this in the daily decpetion, I fell on the floor laughing.
'Stupid bastard' I kept saying 'Stupid, arrogant bastard'.
This incident put me on the block however, as many people claimed I'd advised him to go there, but I shook such remarks off, I had better things to do.

I decided to explore the territory more, as any money I had would be left to an old friend, I didn't worry.

Next Chapter: The traps
Reply With Quote
  #2  
08-28-2007, 09:01 AM
Berri
Registered User
 
: Aug 2007
: oddworld (I wish) Lester
: 14
Rep Power: 0
Berri  (10)

Lol do you expect someone to read all of that? no afence to ya but it is sooooooo long
Reply With Quote
  #3  
08-29-2007, 11:25 AM
Chubfish's Avatar
Chubfish
Grubb Fisherman
 
: Apr 2007
: England
: 907
Blog Entries: 4
Rep Power: 18
Chubfish  (538)Chubfish  (538)Chubfish  (538)Chubfish  (538)Chubfish  (538)Chubfish  (538)

Um, people do read it...like me. Thats why it's been posted. Anyway, I liked it. I want the next chapter now!
__________________
FrankerZ

Reply With Quote
  #4  
08-29-2007, 12:54 PM
Hulaabeo's Avatar
Hulaabeo
Grubb Fisherman
 
: Jul 2007
: Ontario, Canada.
: 997
Blog Entries: 1
Rep Power: 18
Hulaabeo  (225)Hulaabeo  (225)Hulaabeo  (225)

:
Lol do you expect someone to read all of that? no afence to ya but it is sooooooo long
I've seen longer
Reply With Quote
  #5  
08-29-2007, 01:27 PM
Mac Sirloin's Avatar
Mac Sirloin
Less worse
 
: Aug 2006
: Exquisite Squalor
: 5,657
Blog Entries: 301
Rep Power: 27
Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)

:
Lol do you expect someone to read all of that? no afence to ya but it is sooooooo long
Get out.
No, seriously.

Chapter 2 will be up later today (I hope).
__________________
I see you jockin' me.

Reply With Quote
  #6  
09-02-2007, 07:31 AM
Berri
Registered User
 
: Aug 2007
: oddworld (I wish) Lester
: 14
Rep Power: 0
Berri  (10)

How long? Hulaabeo?
Reply With Quote
  #7  
09-02-2007, 07:40 AM
Berri
Registered User
 
: Aug 2007
: oddworld (I wish) Lester
: 14
Rep Power: 0
Berri  (10)

Hay Chubfish I just looked at you'er age and you are the youngist member i'v found i'm 11 have you found some one younger than youself and no not me lol.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
09-02-2007, 09:12 AM
Mac Sirloin's Avatar
Mac Sirloin
Less worse
 
: Aug 2006
: Exquisite Squalor
: 5,657
Blog Entries: 301
Rep Power: 27
Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)

Please don't double post.
And please use PM's to discuss such things.
__________________
I see you jockin' me.

Reply With Quote
  #9  
09-02-2007, 10:57 AM
Chubfish's Avatar
Chubfish
Grubb Fisherman
 
: Apr 2007
: England
: 907
Blog Entries: 4
Rep Power: 18
Chubfish  (538)Chubfish  (538)Chubfish  (538)Chubfish  (538)Chubfish  (538)Chubfish  (538)

:
Hay Chubfish I just looked at you'er age and you are the youngist member i'v found i'm 11 have you found some one younger than youself and no not me lol.
I really dont care how young/old you or other forum members might be and also that is completely off topic. Also, there are probably quite a few people who are younger than me. Go check around. Anyway, on topic, how far are you with Chapter 2?
__________________
FrankerZ

Reply With Quote
  #10  
09-02-2007, 03:48 PM
Mac Sirloin's Avatar
Mac Sirloin
Less worse
 
: Aug 2006
: Exquisite Squalor
: 5,657
Blog Entries: 301
Rep Power: 27
Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)

Not far at all.
AT ALLLLLLLLLL.
BEcause Iam writing an ARTICLE, MOFOKAHHH
__________________
I see you jockin' me.

Reply With Quote
  #11  
09-07-2007, 01:49 AM
Oddball1000's Avatar
Oddball1000
Stunk
 
: Nov 2005
: Hell.
: 35
Rep Power: 0
Oddball1000  (6)
Exclamation HOLY LORD.

Teh story is AWESUMS!! KEEPS IT COMING!!

NO I KNOW NOTHING OF THIS GRAMMAR-SPEAKS.

*edit!*
:
Lol do you expect someone to read all of that? no afence to ya but it is sooooooo long
Oh, come on.

Last edited by Oddball1000; 09-07-2007 at 02:02 AM.. : SHAZAM!
Reply With Quote
  #12  
09-07-2007, 07:55 PM
Mac Sirloin's Avatar
Mac Sirloin
Less worse
 
: Aug 2006
: Exquisite Squalor
: 5,657
Blog Entries: 301
Rep Power: 27
Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)

It was originally just going to be one sotry, so I didn't enough ideas beyond that.....

A second chapter will be posted, though.
__________________
I see you jockin' me.

Reply With Quote
  #13  
09-11-2007, 06:06 PM
Nemo
Clakker Store Clerk
 
: Oct 2006
: ǐͣ͋͗̄
: 793
Blog Entries: 281
Rep Power: 19
Nemo  (404)Nemo  (404)Nemo  (404)Nemo  (404)Nemo  (404)

This is a chapter?

Make a chapter longer. You don't have to write more in one sitting, but instead use parts instead of chapters.

A chapter should never be only a page.


But you don't have to do what I say, just my input.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
09-18-2007, 11:35 AM
Mac Sirloin's Avatar
Mac Sirloin
Less worse
 
: Aug 2006
: Exquisite Squalor
: 5,657
Blog Entries: 301
Rep Power: 27
Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)

Part Two.
THE TRAPS.

Paramonia and Scrabania are desolate in their own independant senses, and whether or not you had people with you din't matter.
the tranquility of Paramonia is rarely broken by speech, even the worst outlaw respected the ancient forest enough to keep quiet.

I was travelling alone, but in a turn from my typical nature, I had a vehicle.
The FPH140 Tranekar was a long, narow vehicle optimised for straightforward travel, it was designed for flying and ground based travel, and I wasn't going to waste the flight fuel in Paramonia.
The roaring engine was indeed obnoxious, and I felt angry for breaking the tranquility.
None ht e less, it had taken me well over a month to reach the land on foot, so a three or four day Traneride was the least of my worries.
I needed to reach that monolith, I knew if I could get one piece of the outer shell, I would never prospect again.
And so, with a bandana draped around my mouth and a pair of goggles on, I made my journey.

I was within several miles of the Monolith, but something was wrong.
I knew the impact caused a shockwave, but for roughly 3 miles around the machine, the ground was pulled up, torn apart, and generally rough.
I stopped and examined it.
Very slowly, almost invisible to the naked eye, rocks were vibrating, significantly moreso within feet of torn up ground.
I picked a rock up and threw it.
SPLACH!
It erupted into a series of small, dusty particles.
I was, to say the least, slightly intrigued.

PART TWO part two will come later.
__________________
I see you jockin' me.

Reply With Quote
  #15  
09-18-2007, 02:47 PM
Nemo
Clakker Store Clerk
 
: Oct 2006
: ǐͣ͋͗̄
: 793
Blog Entries: 281
Rep Power: 19
Nemo  (404)Nemo  (404)Nemo  (404)Nemo  (404)Nemo  (404)

Ergh, after reading over my previous reply, I think I'll clarify on something...
I didn't mean that chapters should be abandoned entirely.

Like, when I did my thing, I'd do it in parts. Then once I've gone over a particular thing (Say, the OWF hospital) enough to satisfy me, I'd make it the end to a chapter.

But, you don't have listen to anything I say. Just how I did it. =/
Reply With Quote
  #16  
09-18-2007, 03:23 PM
Mac Sirloin's Avatar
Mac Sirloin
Less worse
 
: Aug 2006
: Exquisite Squalor
: 5,657
Blog Entries: 301
Rep Power: 27
Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)Mac Sirloin  (7645)

Its alright, suggestions are appreciated.
__________________
I see you jockin' me.

Reply With Quote
  #17  
10-10-2007, 11:17 AM
Moosh da Outlaw's Avatar
Moosh da Outlaw
Rabid Fuzzle
 
: Oct 2007
: Under your bed
: 534
Blog Entries: 15
Rep Power: 18
Moosh da Outlaw  (145)Moosh da Outlaw  (145)

:
Lol do you expect someone to read all of that? no afence to ya but it is sooooooo long

It wasn't long at all. It was a good length.

Sounds interesting, btw.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
10-10-2007, 12:26 PM
moxco's Avatar
moxco
Zappfly
 
: Dec 2006
: Earth
: 2,794
Blog Entries: 26
Rep Power: 21
moxco  (2195)moxco  (2195)moxco  (2195)moxco  (2195)moxco  (2195)moxco  (2195)moxco  (2195)moxco  (2195)moxco  (2195)moxco  (2195)moxco  (2195)

Great story! I love it!
Reply With Quote


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 








 
 
- Oddworld Forums - -