Hans and Sven Do Stuff

Joe the Intern · #1 01-10-2002, 11:31 PM

Ok, guys. Here's a new fic. It's all comedy, so have a good laugh!

Chapter 1 (This chapter written by Joe the Intern)
Hans and Sven were a couple of Vykkers. Hans, the working type, was always competing for a promotion. Sven, on the other hand, was always competing for a Danish. Hans, the “smart” one, was a fuzzle tester, always telling Sven to keep his mouth shut. Sven had a soft spot for fuzzles. He just loved the way their fur smelled after they had been through electro-shock therapy. Sven had to keep his lisped mouth shut, and eat his Danish. Just a second ago, a group of Munch’s fuzzles blew up a surgery ward, and Vykker’s Labs was going down.
“Whereths is my Danish? I must saveths my Danish!” screamed Sven.
The alarm was sounding. One minute it was, “Warning: Intruder Alert” and the next minute, it was “Yo, da ship’s goin’ down bitch!”
“Oh my ODD! The ship’s going down! Sven, get to a lifepod, quickly!” yelled Hans.
“No! I musths save my Danish!”
“Screw the Danish! Get in the damn lifepod!”
Hans drug Sven to a lifepod and threw him in. By accident, Sven hit a button on the console, and shut the door behind Hans.
“Sven, you fool! Open the door!”
“I don’ths know how! I have to leave you, Hans!” Sven pushed the ig, red button labeled "LAUNCH" and the lifepod left its station on Vykkers Labs. The pod was flying towards Oddworld, with Hans on the windshield, demanding entry into the pod.

The next chapter will be written be Sal the Mudokon. Me and Sal will take turns writing chapters.

[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: Joe the Intern ]

Grid · #2 01-11-2002, 12:08 AM

Nooooooooo!!!! Save the danish!!!
Funny stuff man, keep it up, Sven is cool.

Joe the Intern · #3 01-11-2002, 06:46 PM

Hey, Grid! I'll post a movie poster Sal made pretty soon. I'll garuantee you love it.

Gluk Schmuck · #4 01-11-2002, 07:14 PM

This is GREAT!
I love this fic already!

“Yo, da ship’s goin’ down bitch!”

Joe the Intern · #5 01-11-2002, 09:48 PM

Well, folks, I'm back. Here is that movie poster I promised! Augh! It doen't work! I'll edit this again when I get someone to host it for me.
http://photos.msn.com/Myfiles/FileView.aspx

[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: Joe the Intern ]

Sal the Mudokon · #6 01-12-2002, 05:09 PM

Here's the next bit of the story, just as previously promised.

Chapter 1 and 5/3s (This chapter written by Sal da Mudokon)
"LET ME IN THE ODD DAMN POD, POOFACE!" screamed Hans.
"I cant thee with yer big head in my way!" replied Sven, who was flying the craft, headfirst into a cliff. "UH OH!" the pair screamed as the saucer smashed into the side of the cliff. The vykkers' charred bodies flew towards the ground. "Dont worry, Hanths!" screamed Sven through the whistling air, "Thereths water below!"
"But we cant swim you dumbass!"
They smashed into the water with a huge splash.
"Im drowning! Help me!" begged Sven.
"But the water's shallow," said Hans.
"No it ithznt, now help me over!" Sven asked.
"Fine," said Hans as he hauled Sven onto his shallow area. "If the water isnt shallow, then what are we standing on?" asked Hans. A huge shaking much like that of an earthquake shook the waters. "oh no!" screamed the two at the same time. The huge head of a sea rex raised itself from the water to reveal that IT was what they were standing on. Hans and Sven held on as tight as they could, which due to their claws, only made the sea rex more angry. It flung its head, shooting both of the vykkers high into the air.
"Weethz can fly, baby!" screamed Sven.
"Werent we supposed to think happy thought or something?!" asked Hans.
"Thcrew just thinking of em! Danish, HERE I COME!"

Yer turn, Joe.

[ January 12, 2002: Message edited by: Sal the Mudokon ]

Joe the Intern · #7 01-12-2002, 07:49 PM

Okay! Chapter 3 coming up!

Chapter 3
Hans and Sven soared through the air. Hans hoping for his life, and Sven, like usual, still thinking about Danishes. The Sea Rex flung them into the borders of Paramonia. Since the forest was so thick, they didn’t know which direction to go to get out. Hans landed on the back of his head, and Sven landed in a paramite web, attracting a large group of paramites. Hans would have run for his life, had Sven not been stuck in the web.
“Hans, geth me outta thisth darn thing! I’M GONNA DIE!” screamed Sven.
Hans tried pulling him out, but was un-successful. “You and your damned Danishes! You’re too heavy!”
“No! I wouldn’t give up my Danishes for all of Oddworld!” replied Sven.
The paramites were closing in, so Hans got desperate. He started using his claws to cut the paramonian web strings. When Hans had cut all the strings surrounding Sven, Sven fell to the ground.
“Ow! My ass!”
“Shut up,” shouted Hans “and get that injured ass of yours moving!”

Hans and Sven had to spend the night in a tree. The paramites circled the tree all night.
“Sven, let go of me! I’m tired of you holding on to me all the time!”
“But Hans, I’m scared! Oh Odd do I wish I had a Danish right now!”
“Sven, shut up, and go sleep on that limb over there.”

DarkHoodness · #8 01-12-2002, 11:07 PM

V good.

Anyway, I hosted your poster for you. Just copy and paste the link below:
http://www.angelfire.com/wa3/darkhoo...ted/Poster.jpg
- DH

munchman · #9 01-12-2002, 11:17 PM

Sal the Mudokon · #10 01-13-2002, 04:39 PM

Thanks for the...spam...oh well, its good spam

While I think about where Im going to take this demented fic next, I thought I should give you guys more than a link (Thanks alot for hosting DH). Here ya go n tell me wat you think!

[ January 13, 2002: Message edited by: Sal the Mudokon ]

Shinjara · #11 01-14-2002, 03:36 PM

This is so good!! Keep it up!

Shinjara

Alector · #12 01-16-2002, 02:38 PM

Ha! Cool poster!
The title of this topic "Hans and Sven do stuff", sounds very funny to me. So I read it...and I must tell you, that I like this story

So, keep writing!

[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: Alector ]

Sal the Mudokon · #13 01-19-2002, 05:17 AM

ok, im goin to write the next part now...or type it errr whatever, here goes

All through the night, Hans, with his vykkerishlyness genius, or gene-ass (it doesnt really matter) decided to make a weapon to destroy the surrounding enemy. It was a long hollow tube that could launch a projectile at the speed of lint! He waited until the paramites were asleep to fire it. Unfortunately, the paramites never fell asleep so he fell asleep in the middle of the night. The next morning, Sven, hungry as a cheerleader at a barmitzfa, decided to grill up some grub. It was about this time that he noticed the small device, leaned agaist the trunk of the tree they were in. "WARNING: MOVES STUFF AT THE SPEED OF LINT" it said on the side of the tube. Next to the tube were some instructions. Sven picked them up and started reading "Speed of Lint: Look in your pockets to see speed of lint and then refer to page 12." Sven looked in his pockets and the lint was already there! "Page 12: yeah! its already there! pretty damn fast, huh!?"
"Wow! It ithz fathst!" said Sven. Then Sven had an evil idea, as he looked down at all the poo's down in pooville. Was it because because his shoes were on to tight? "Hey wait a shzec! WERE I MY ODD-DAMN FEET!?" said Sven in fear. Or was it because his arms were three sizes too short?
"Hey, zatzth like a dithability man!"
Either the case, he would be known as the "Bitch Who Stole Breakfast". Down the tree he crept...

Ever so silent...

Ever so stealth...

Ever so-

"OW! MY ASS!" screamed Sven in pain as the paramite dug its claws into Sven's wrinkly cheeks. "****ING SHIT!" he cried in pain. Lucky for Sven though, the paramites have been known to combust at random to claim a kill. And thus did this little guy.
With a loud 'pop' Sven's ass was free and he was gonna make beacon for everyone... accept for anyone other than himself, of course.
And so, he crept back up the tree and fed the chunks of paramite bacon into the blender of a gadget Hans had been making all night.
It was about this time that Hans woke up, smelling the sweet aroma of the woodland morning. "What the **** is that awful stectch?!" asked Hans.
"Quiet! Bacon...BACON!!!" replied Sven.
"Bout time you learned a trade."
"Thpeaking of trade, iz thzat a glukkon trade ship overhead?"
"HEY, IT IS!" said Hans with glee, still not noticing that Sven's George Forman Grill was realy an extremely dangerous weapon of distruction. But then again, who would realy no the difference anyway?
"We need to send a signal," said Hans.
"HERE'S YER BACON!!!" screamed Sven with an insane glee as he fired the paramite chunks at the ship, quickly obliterating it in a massive explosion that covered the skies in a bright light, leaving the Vykkers standing on a crispy tree at the edge of a crater.

"...Now THAT iz a really well made Grill," said Sven as he wiped the soot from his face, "And to imagine THAT kind of power and IT'THZ A NO THZTICK THURFAZE!" Hans just stood there staring at the scorched planet. Then it started to rain scrab cakes from the destroyed ship.
"Hey, cake!" said Sven as he caught a scrab cake from the sky.
"I think we'd better go," said Hans as he began to get out of the tree. The paramites that had survived were now fighting over scrab cakes and were of no threat. As the pair left the tree it suddenly burst into ashes and fell down.
"I wish Danish were here to enjoy thithz," said Sven, crying and eating a scrab cake.
"Whatever, yeah, but you got that manual to the "grill" didnt you?"
"No, why?"
"We might need it for a fire tonight."
"Hehehe, after I got bit by zthat paramite, I, well, you know, and I needed somezthin to wipe with!"

Joe the Intern · #14 01-22-2002, 10:31 PM

No more chapters unitl we gets some replies! :P

Joe the Intern · #15 01-24-2002, 11:55 PM

Okay guys. I went against my will to bring you another chapter that tugs at the heart strings!

Chapter 5
Since the paramites were feasting on Scrab Cakes, Hans and Sven had time to escape. They ran their asses out of that forest like a midget with his hair on fire. When they got out of the forest, they wandered in a desert for days. Their tongues dry and their faces wrinkled from dehydration, Sven tried to lick a cactus, to no avail.
“No, idiot!” said Hans. Hans then cut the cactus with his claw, and water came dripping out. Sven stuck his tongue under the water, only to get it caught on one of the needles.
“OW! Son of a Bitchsth! Why you...!” Sven lifted his hand to smack the cactus, and Hans stopped him.
“You’re dumber than my old fuzzles, and they only know how to move and eat!”
“But he stharted it!” retorted Sven.
“Don’t make me turn this car around!”
“Hans, we’re not in a car.”
“Shut up, Sven.” And after that little episode, they continued their walk through the desert.

Later that night, Hans and Sven had to sleep on the desert floor. It was surprising how the temperature in a desert could get so high in the daytime, and sink so low at night. Hans and Sven were freezing, and they had nothing to keep them warm.
“Hansth, I’m ****in’ freezing! I need something to keep me warm!” said Sven.
“Don’t you odd damned think about it!” said Hans, who scooted over about three inches. A few minutes later, they heard howling. No, you silly human. Not wolves. There aren’t wolves on Oddworld, you idiot! It was a pack of Scrabs. Yes, Scrabs you ignorant busy-body! Hey, don’t gimme your lip, bitch! Anyway, the howling started off in the distance but gradually, it got closer. So close, in fact, that the pair had to cover their ears. They could make out the shapes of the Scrabs in the faint moonlight.
“Hansth, can I askth you a question?”
“Yes, Sven?” Hans’s voice slightly wavered.
“Do you think they have any Danishes I could borrow?”

Majic · #16 01-28-2002, 01:50 AM

no offense, but whats a danish.... but really this kinda reminds me of catdog but sven has a lishp. ok, keep it up.

Sal the Mudokon · #17 02-03-2002, 07:46 PM

Chapter 6.111749 to the third power times the root of 1/4.

The tale of love, deceit, and fine quasine continues...

And so Hans and the other guy waited through the night, Hans's hands firmly planted over his eyes to hide him from the horror...Sven's hands firmly planted over his ass after his last animal encounter.
"We're gonna have to make a run for it!" said Hans. Just as the words pustulated from his rotten mouth, a scrab noticed them and began to charge. Hans, in shock, grabbed Sven's hand to bring him with him (where-ever he was planning on running). The scrab was only about a meter from the pair when Hans accidentally pulled Sven's finger. With an explosion, a danish and scrab cake scented flatulant escaped from Sven's destructively-dangerous derrier. After the smoke cleared, the vykkers looked on the carnage of the unconsious scrabs. Hans couldn't say a word. Sven was cracking up.
"Now that'th what I call 'Safety'!" giggled Sven.
"We should probably get away before these wake up," said Hans, still in shock.
"Ith that what I think it ith?" asked Sven. Hans turned around to find that Sven was pointing to a monstrous structure. It was the remains of the lab.
"How did we miss that?" asked Hans.
"I don't know, but it lookth like the thcrabth were trying to make a model of our lab. AND IT LOOKTH LIKE SHTHIT! Hahaha!"
"You're an idiot, you know that?" said Hans.
"Ya know, I think that'th what dat intern wath tryin to thay when I let thothe fuzzelth into da R+D room!"
The vykkers continued into the lab... the danish never felt closer.

I wanted to put more, but thats enough, your turn morgan!

Majic · #18 02-03-2002, 11:19 PM

whoa, sven is like my bro but like a vyker species. like, my bros belly sticks out far. he farts real gross. and hes dirt ugly.....

Joe the Intern · #19 02-07-2002, 10:39 PM

Hmmm. The one time I get back to the forums, and I write you guys another chapter! Enjoy...

Chapter 7
Hans and Sven made their way into the Lab. All of the equipment was smashes, beakers and bottles broken in shards on the floor. They had to watch their- “OW! Son of a bitchth!”
“Quiet Sven.” said Hans.
“Odd damnit Hansth! Get this shard of glass out of my foot! I want my mommy!” and with that, Sven started sucking on his thumb, in the fetal position.
“Alright you damn baby. Get up.” Hans pulled the glass out of Sven’s foot and pulled him to his feet.
“It’s still bweeding.” Sven whined, pissed that Hans could be so callous.
“It’ll stop bleeding eventually. Stop being a pansy and let’s keep going.”
The continued through the Lab, with Sven watching out more carefully for shards of glass. Eventually they came upon the old fuzzle cages. The doors were swinging open, some of them on the floor. The little lab animals had apparently gotten out. But where to?
“What the hell is that sound?” asked Hans. “I hear a strange rattling. And some kind of strange form of ‘chirping’”.
“Remindths me of fuzzleths.” replied Sven.
“Oooooooh shit!” Hans exclaimed. A few moments later, what seemed like hundreds of fuzzles jump behind fallen equipment. They had many syringes in them, and resembled the ones Hans used to test.
“Oooooooo! They’re sooo cute!” Sven said as he extended his hand to pet one. The only reaction he got was a vicious bite on the hand. “Why you little! I’ll saw your brainths out!” He raised his hand to hit it, but Hans stopped him, afraid it would cause a reaction amongst the other fuzzles.
“Sven! Don’t be stupid! You could get us killed!”
“But Haaaaaans! He started it!”
“Oh don’t gimme that shit! We have a crisis on our hands!”
“Fine! I never liked you anyway!” Sven stuck his tongue out at Hans. The fuzzles started growling the fuzzle equivalent of “shut the **** up you two”
The two Vykkers started to look around. Then, what appeared to be the leader fuzzle came to the front. It started to squeak. The Vykkers didn’t understand, and stood there, perplexed.
“Hey, guys? Did I ever tell you ‘I love you’?”
“Sven, I don’t think that’s going to help.”

Majic · #20 02-09-2002, 01:20 AM

haha, pretty cool. at least this aint turnin into one of those things that never really gets another chapter like i thought it was, hehe.

Silversnow · #21 02-09-2002, 01:13 PM

Wow exciting......... Uhm, take away the 'wow'... Anyway, I really like this story, it's funny. *giggle* Suck his thumb...

sligface202 · #22 02-09-2002, 01:25 PM

Alright!!Hans and Sven do stuff is back in a fan corner near you!!

***Alcar*** · #23 02-10-2002, 06:21 AM

Yes keep up the good work, i love this fanfic. Must have more.

You know that you have a really good story brewing up here!

Alcar...:fuzzlebli

Molluck · #24 02-11-2002, 04:26 PM

Hehe I love good fanfics, This one is the best comedy I have read for a while!

I can't wait for more!

Sal the Mudokon · #25 02-12-2002, 02:11 AM

Hey, sorry that this has taken so long. Ive been rather busy and havent had enough time to update the story until now. If I knew this many people liked the story, the I would have updated it long ago! ENJOY!

Hans and the other one
Chapter: ...who's still counting?

Hans gripped Sven's hand in fear. He looked down to make sure that he was not pulling on the deadly finger that had a direct connection to Sven's roaring-rectum. Sven was just as scared and began to hold Hans in his arms. With death surely in their grasp, Sven decided that there was only one thing to do. Once again, his ass was gonna save the day! He pushed Hans from his body and turned his back to the growling fuzzels. In one movement (or maybe a gesture) he bent his crooked Vykker back over and lifted his surgical garments from his most precious area. Now the true detail of what the fuzzels saw is still sketchy but from the fact that nothing, other than maybe carnies, can scare these vile beasts off, and that the horrific moon of a certain vykker could make them run chirping bloody murder, means that the view of Sven's ass should have had the effect of about four times what the tortue would be of looking into, say, Medusa's eyes or watching an entire N*SYNC video... well, an N* SYNC video without sound (with the sound ON is truly the worst). With fuzzels retreating in fear, the Vykkers began to find a safe place to stay for a while. Scratch that, the "Vykker" began to find a safe place to stay for a while. That wuss, Hans, ran like a scared Quasi Modo into walls in fear of the monstrosaties. Sven was on his own!
His first task was to find his old room. After he found the main corridor, he soon followed the signs that said "TO SVENZ ROOM, NOT THE WAY TO FALL OUT UV DA SHIP". He had these signs placed there for when he would forget where he was (which often happened to Sven: i.e. that time he thought that he was a pirate from the spoon nation, sent to change the future before the fudge took over his ears). Sven followed these signs via the dimly lit emergency lights that were all that were left for seeing in the lab. When he finally found his room, he found the bunk beds where he and Hans would sleep and and he could almost hear Hans right now, screaming at him from the bottom bunk to quit putting nails in his nose. Ah, the memories he had had in this place... and the dumps he had taken in the potty by the beds. Speaking of such, Sven could go for a good egg-lay right now! As he sat his warm buttocks on the cold porcaline, he began to wonder where Hans was at.
Hans was sitting, panting, and basically going into that same nervous breakdown that he usually has when being all alone in a dark place. He was in a small corner near the cryo bank. "Put together your wits! DO SOMETHING!" he thought. Hans took a deep breath and stood up, his fat gut jiggalling as he arose. He turned face and headed into the nearest room. There was a small creeking sound...HANS BEGAN TO PUSH ALL OF THE DOOR SHUTTING BUTTONS HE COULD FIND! Since there, was actually only one door-shutting button he accidentally shut the door, locked himself in, started up the coffee machine, defused the power in the sector, blew the lights, and to top it off, began the heating sequence of all of the prototype mutations in the cryo chamber... which he was in. As Hans staired at the enevitable thawing of three towering monsters, he began to feel not so alone. This was very, VERY bad!
Sven on the other hand, couldn't be more of a ray of sunshine. Well, for a sunshine, the room was pretty cloudy from the recent turd he had just evacuated from his body. Sven had now totally forgotten about Hans and had grabbed his comic book collection from his locker. Ahh... the amazing adventures of Polluto, as he battles to capture all of the grosse beasts of the wilderness. "HOW BWAVE!" said Sven as he looked over the picture of Polluto decapitating an elderly mudokon. Sven jumped up, and in his best Polluto impression, shouted "WHEN IT COMETH TO ADVENTURE IM THE FINDER! AND I WONT LET A MUD ESTHCAPE DA GRINDER!" He sat down and wished that he had the ability to spew toxic waste from his orfaces or belch acid rain like Polluto. "Hey! I can MAKE magic powers!" he shouted.
Sven ran like a happy little girl to the machanics room. He ran a lil too fast though, because he tripped on a wire and hit his head on a hard button. As he dreamed of super-vykker streangth and a mountain of Danishes to save, his differenciation between reality and his dreams was smashed with a lead tac-hammer (like the one that dropped on him when he was little). The button he hit was full of words too big for him to read. Besides, how could a dumb ass like him know what Snuzi Escorte means anyway?

There you go! I sure hope that you thought it was funny!

sligface202 · #26 02-12-2002, 07:42 PM

can i write the next chapter i already wrote it down and it's funny!so can i or not?

Shrykullmaster · #27 02-13-2002, 08:55 PM

funny stuff... i wonder i f hell ever find th danish?

Majic · #28 02-15-2002, 01:59 AM

no offense sligy, but i think if they wanted other people to work on it they there would be [add on] in the title. and really also, not trying to discourage your work or anything, it might change what they have planned (alhtough from the story it seems like its spontaneously written...)

Sal the Mudokon · #29 02-19-2002, 09:22 PM

well, majic abe, your pretty much right. Me and Joe the Intern have recently decided NOT to let other people post chapters of our fic. If you guys like the characters featured, and want to make a fic of your own about them in a different topic, then just tell me or Joe the Intern. Other than that, we dont want anybody messin with our plot.

And, Majic Abe, we DO have a set ending and have decided on different plot aspects of our story that will help put the peices together. Its kind of like a walk through a forest with a dizzy tour guide(we know where were supposed to go, but would rather that we run in circles around some trees and smash head first into walls to pass the time).

p.s. Sorry about the wait on Joe the Intern to write his next chapter... he's been having a little bit of connection problems.

Until my chapter, keep it real, baby!

Joe the Intern · #30 02-20-2002, 12:05 AM

Chapter 9
Sven was walking around, jutting out his chest (or lack thereof) and acting like Polluto. If you had seen him, you’d have thought he spent too much energy pushing out that turd of his. Sven was dancing, jumping, running, and shouting. You might have said he was enjoying himself. He was so enthusiastic about being Polluto that he (obviously) couldn’t contain himself. After a bit of running, and shouting, and jogging, and jumping, he made his way into a room of the fuzzles he had seen previously, who now seemed to be cowering away from him.
“Hell yeah! Thatth’s right bitches! I’M YO DADDY! BOW DOWN TO MY ALMIGHTY-IMPERIALISTIC-NESS! Wait a minute... Hold on guys. Let me look up what ‘imperialistic’ means” Sven pulled out a small pocket dictionary and searched for the word.
“Okay! Anyhoo... Let’s get back to the groveling!” He continued walking, not realizing the giant Snuzi behind him was generating so much fear, and the fear was causing fuzzle feces, and so on and so forth.

Meanwhile...

Hans was still locked in the Cryo room. The monstrous beings were awakening, and they didn’t look too pretty! They were big, had a green tint (though I would have preferred burgundy), and had the worst buffalo breath this side of the Pecos! Hans thought they were going to mangle him, and feed him to the slogs, but he couldn’t have been further from the grimy, filthy, shit eating truth!
“Hello there, little fellow. Who are you?”
“I... I’m Ha.. Hans...”
“Why hello Hans! What is this? You made us coffee? How nice of you!”
“We... Well, I was running from these fuzzles you see, and...”
“It’s quite alright. As long as they didn’t rip out your flesh and vomit it out on the floor!”
“...Right...”