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12-29-2006, 07:33 PM
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Oddworld: Skillya's Brood

Hey guys. This is an short story from me.
Maybe you know that I'm from the beautiful germany and therefore my english is not perfekt.

For those ones who speak german, I attatch the whole story in german language as MS Word document.

The second and final part will be translated ASAP.

Have fun.



ODDWORLD
Skillya’s Brood
(from Thilo H. Hauke)

We write the year one hundred thirteen of the rebellion of the western bulwark. Far away from their native soil, the Monsai temples, the courageous Mudomo-Warriors still fought for their lives and their liberty. Far away from Sam, their queen, and far away from Abe, the chosen one. But the battle has not been finished yet. The blood of the blue-skins doesn’t flow only in Abe’s veins and Shrykulls signs doesn’t decorate only the backs of the paws of the one.

*

__“Fieldmaster Zak, what should we do when Skillya's brood is as numerous as the scouts says? We are not prepared for an attack of this size!”
__A Paramite rubbed the bones of his mandibles together. It was the Paramite of Fieldmaster Zak. Zak however wasn't answering to the green one. He continued with his meditation, as if nobody would be present except him. The green one knows that this was not an unusual behavior for Zak and briefly before he wanted to leave the tent, Zak was speaking: “Skillya should be vigilant. Just like the stingy Glukkons. Their war inventory may be impressing, but we have the strength of mind on our side. With adequate preparation we will win this battle.”
__In the meantime Zak had stopped with his meditation and the green one noticed that in the shade of the tent the skin of the Fieldmaster looked darker as else. It was coined by scars. Unforgettable indications of lengthen past battles. He got the indications of the Paramites on his forehead, like each warrior of the Mudomo. Owing to a meeting with a shaman of the eastern people he carried the scar of Paramonia. His right paw was covered with a brownish leather glove.
__“But Fieldmaster Zak...”, the green one told him. “We don't have enough warriors. We would send each one into his grave!”
__“I know what menace approaches. I saw it in my visions. Until you disturbed me.”
__“But Master that... that can't be your last word. I know that you have this visions, but nevertheless you can’t trust in them blindly.”
__“Don't tell me what I have to believe”, Zak answered. “It's not yours to speak with me in this way.”
__“I’m sorry.”
__“Well, how long will it last, until they're here?”
__“At the most.. one day.”
__Zak and the Paramite hissed nearly at the same time. “WHAT?” Zak jumped up furiously. “How can it be, that I experienced only now of that?”
__“The scouts Elums has shoot down. they can't anything for this drama.”
__“The better! Then they know already that we're preparing us. Therefore they will do it on the same way. Really, great work!”
__“It wasn't their failure, they…”
__Zak interrupted him in his anger. “Oh, It wasn’t their failure. Whose failure was it then? Yours? Would you carry the dept?
__“I…”
__Again he was interrupted by Zak, which ran forth and back inside of his tent: “You will employ an Elum to ride to the bulwark. We can order only the half of our troops for the first attack. The others follow us as soon as possible. Fill the storm-circles. This is very important!”
__“Excuse me Fieldmaster Zak, you said 'the first attack'?”, the green one asked.
__“Off course I said this.” Zak stroked over the mandibles of his Paramite and said: “Did you have any problem thereby, messenger?”
__“I…”, the green one consider, whether he should go across the border and said: “N… No. It’s nothing Fieldmaster.”

*

__PFC Stryke knew around the animosity, which the people of his clan must let over themselves. Not able to move on two legs without an metallic support, the Sligs enjoy a very low rank in the Magog-Cartel. Cannon fodder. Infantry. A solider. More a Slig wasn't. And more he couldn't be.
__The few Sligs, Stryke without, liked the Glukkons. Sligs often call them 'ugly guys' behind their back.
__General Dripik, a member of the Glukkon-race, was very busy at present. The constellation of the Cartel was tested in the east by an mudokonrefugee named Abe and because of this the Sligs and their War-leaders stated the attack against the paramitelovers alone. Nevertheless he didn't dare himself to raise against the Glukkons and concomitantly against Skillya, his queen and mother. The punishment for deserters was direct liquidating. This would happen, if he has luck and would be condemned by the Glukkons. Skillya's wrath would be much harder.
__Stryke reloaded his weapon and secured it again. This damn Mudokons attacked as first usually. He wanted to be prepared.
__Sure, they were in the majority, but numbers contributed few to the result on the battlefield. Stryke was it all the same who will win the battle. The onliest he want to save was his live. Not that of his nameless brothers, not that of the Glukkons and that of his mother was also all the same to him.
__He ignited himself an cigarette and coughed after the first inhale. He knew that he was addicted, but even this was all the same to him.
__The battle would begin in the next hours. Everyone of the five thousand men of the army knew this. Nevertheless the sergeants and staff officers of the Sligs wanted to retain the peace.
__Stryke heard a Paramite hissing. He thought of the tasty pie, which could make out of them, take off his pants and fell into a deep sleep.

*

__Zak hadn't slept. He was awake and rode on a secret road on his Elum to the camp of the Sligs, where they would attack them. The moon was the only source of light they had. Several hundred Mudokons rode, crept and prayed behind him. He felt the trepidation of each one. There were many shallows which this chess move concerned.
__Perhaps they would lose and all of this proud Mudokons would be dead or slaved. Perhaps they would win and escape from this fate one more time. Sooner or later they would catch them, but Zak believe it's better to die as an warrior, than to live as an slave.
__"They're behind the next hill", he heard someone say. The Mudokons made themselves ready for the battle.

*

__Stryke rushed through the mud. The night dragged herself on and among the few awake soldiers the indisposition extended like a virus.
__The PFC went to an group of Sligs. They greeted him, but he didn't answered. Instead he pulled a grenade, loosened the pin, threw it in the middle of the group and jumped aside. The explosion slashed every Slig who was close to it and most of the soldiers woke up.
__Zaks spirit returned contently to his own body.
__“Hurry up now!”, he whisper to the green one who sat in front of him. “Everyone will take over an Slig and will kill as many soldiers as possible. When this Slig died the warrior will prepare his attack.”
__“Fieldmaster!” The green one gave the message across to his neighbor and briefly after they had speak about the plan the Mudokons began to chant quietly. One Slig after the other was taken over and killed his brothers. It worked very well. The Sligs didn't seem to noticed what was going on. But suddenly the arbiter-monitors ascended out of the camp. Some Mudokons couldn't react fast enough and received an strong electrical charge and must stop their meditation. Their small ambush had flown up. But this was a small victory and Zak felt the hope growing up.
__Black clouds formed in the sky. 'As planned', Zak thought and grin. Energy lightning’s shot with thundering from the clouds directly at the soldiers of the industry. The result of the storm-cycles. Zak has sent the messenger in the last minute. Hundreds of Slig-Soldiers were dead already. Nevertheless the enemy stay in majority. Zak jumped on his Elum, grabbed his spear and shout so loud his voice could be: "Attack!"
__Numerous nebula horns were blown. The fear-exciting noise got the Sligs in bedevilment panic. Until the officers had brought back the order into the crowd, the warriors of the Mudomo rode with bloodthirstily roaring into the battle.
__An officer gave the instruction 'free fire' and the reaction of the Sligs didn't take much time. The first salve tore many Mudokons from their saddling, but seconds later, the first riders arrived and threw their spears. Numerous Sligs died. The riders pulled out their close-range weapons and ran through the lines of the enemies. Zak cut one Slig after the other the head or a member measure off. He repelled shots with a shield, which he had tied around his left arm. Meanwhile his blue skin was covered under a red blood film.
__The battle worked well for the Mudokons. But Zak knew that a 'well' was not enough this time. The battle would be over in a few minutes, if the reinforcement arrived not soon.
__Suddenly an enormous machine developed herself in front of him. The Sligs called it Snoozer. Usually this War game things fired anaesthetic ammunition. If there were used in the war, the harmless weapon was replaced by armor-piercing ammunition.
__The Snoozer located Zak and fired. The Fieldmaster tried to block the shot, but this pierced his shield easy and dug into his arm. Further shots followed and his Elum fell. Zak landed hard on the soil and straight as the Snoozer wanted to fire, a Mudokon rode across and rammed his spear into the bowels of the machine which shambled and shot uncontrollable in the area, before it collapsed.
__Zak stand up, took his blade back and wanted to run into the battle again, when some else nebula horns clanged.
__'The rearguard', he thought lucky and saw, how a whole unit Mudarcher rush on their Elums into the battle. Nevertheless in the meantime the Fieldmaster lost his hope with every Mudokon who dies. Skillya’s Brood was still in the majority.
__When Zak wanted to behead a further Slig, he heard a disturbing humming from air. It sounded artificial and announced the message of death. He looked into the sky and saw several drop ships of the hostile army, which contained a multiplicity of troops.
__Spell bounded of this spectacle the Fieldmaster didn't notice, how a Slig sneak up to him from behind and released the deduction. Zak noticed it when the round touched his heart and he collapsed.
__The battle went on.

*

__Zak opened his eyes carefully. Where he was? Light everyway, no walls, no ground. He fell.
__The Fieldmaster groped for his chest, but there was no wound. He trick his eyes together and looked downward. Silhouettes of mountains approached and became clearer. Then he recognized a valley, then a kind of temple with a Shrykull-Statue.
__He couldn't explain his feelings, but he felt something he believed that he lost. He felt homeland. He approached the soil and fell more slowly. Floating, equal a Meetle, he landed on the ground.
__Although it felt well, he wanted to unsheathe his blade, but then he noticed, that he carried only the traditional clothes of the Mudokons.
__A deep voice said: “The warrior comes out.
__Zak turned into all directions, but he didn't see anybody.
__You cannot see me, old warrior. Also you cannot feel, taste or smell me. But you can her me.
__“Who are you?”, Zak shout.
__I am the one, who receives your prayers. I am the one, who is awake over the country. I am the freak, whose body was perpetuated there in form of an statue.
__“Shrykull!” Zak was frightened and fascinated. He believed, he would speak with an God. And he did.
__"You are a courageous son, Zak. Don't be ashamed, because of the scar on your paw. Don't hide it, if you wander around."
__Zak looked on his paws. On the left the scar of the Paramites, on the right the scar of the Scrabs, which he always held in secret. He had got both to earn the largest of all powers, but it was always refused to him.
__“Tell me, mighty Shrykull. Why did the honor that your power turns into me never assign to me?”
__One moment the Fieldmaster just heard the twitter of the animals, then Shrykull continued to speak: ”Lust for Power and victory craze drove you into the temples. Nature killed, powers provokes, but unchargedly, tactlessly.
__Zak said nothing. He was ashamed.
__"I tell you you're dead. But the death is not the end of the spirit of an Mudokon."
__"Where I am?"
__"You are on Mudos, my son. In a transdimensionally level. Valhalla, the Warriors-Heaven."
__“But, the battle! I must.. must… I can’t be death. I have a war to lead!”
__Yes, you have. And you got my pressure.
__A screaming light appeared in the sky and dazzled the Fieldmaster. A swarm of birds came out of it and immediately split up in two parties. The one formed a birdportal. The other one flew to Zak and merged with him.
__He felt the power; these unrestrained power. For just one second the greed returned, but he suppressed it. He saw the birdportal, ran on it and jumped through.
__On the other side the battle raved. Zak concentrated and set up himself. The legs arranged and the arms spread he let the energy run free.
__His skin grew to a hard exoskeleton, his arms divided into two shears, his lip extended to a bill and his brow bones dug his eyes protecting. Third Paramite, third Scrab and third Mudokon he stood there. A combination of natures.
__The Sligs seemed up and the Mudokons jeered. One of them say inspired: "It’s Shrykull! He looked an new body for himself and his word if fulfilled of anger!"
__The divine power burned through his veins and he felt, how his enemies quaked. He saw the world with new eyes and everything seemed to make sense. Up to present of the unsolicited guests. Lightning’s flowed out of his shears and killed those immigrants. Witch each Slig he kill, Zak lost a part of himself. His power shrank, but he didn't give up until each enemy was obliterated. His numinous body rose over the battleground and adjure a storm-cycle, which soared in the midst of the combat.
__One of the warriors scream: “Shrykull requests aid. We should give him our force!”
__So the survived Mudokons were coming together and chant for their beloved God.
__Zaks power became immeasurable and the more powerfully it became, he loose his existence. Finally, when his power reached the highest , his body changed back into the mortal meat that it actually was and Zak fell down into the corpse sea as a glowing star. Before he touched the ground, he end in a swarm of birds, which scattered into all winds.
__The few survivors of enemies flee or followed a hopeless alliance, which the Mudokons defeated easily.

*

__The battle was over, but the campaign had just began. Zak had died as a hero and he is still alive in the songs they were sang over him.
__Shrykulls attention was now directed toward the Mudokon named Abe, which asked for his power.


.
Attached Files
File Type: doc Oddworld - Skillya's Brut (Deutsch).doc (38.5 , 297 views)
File Type: doc Oddworld - Skillya's Brood (English).doc (36.5 , 344 views)
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Oddworld: Skillya's Brood - Read it, feel it, taste it!


Last edited by Oddys; 12-30-2006 at 08:11 AM..
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  #2  
12-29-2006, 07:47 PM
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That is an awesome fiction. It's so cool. I want to see more of this. Good descriptions. Good use of paragraphs and a good plot. I like this. Keep it up.
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12-29-2006, 07:56 PM
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That is an awesome fiction. It's so cool. I want to see more of this. Good descriptions. Good use of paragraphs and a good plot. I like this. Keep it up.
Thank you.
Give me some days and the final part has been translated.
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  #4  
12-29-2006, 09:37 PM
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Wow, that was quite good for a newbie. I certainly liked it. Just a few comments.

Spelling and grammar
Now, like you said, your english is not perfect, as you are from Germany. A easy way to correct this would probably be to run the translation through Microsoft word, as it would correct most of the problems. That aside, their were only a few noticiable mistakes! Good job!

Spacing
I think this would be easier and more pleasing to the eye to read if you spaced out each paragraph. If you start a new line, double space them from each other. That means to just hit the return or enter key after you finish a paragraph. You should also do this when different characters are talking.

Once again, this was quite good, and I would like to see more!
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12-29-2006, 09:54 PM
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Wow, that was quite good for a newbie.
My friend, I'm not an newbie.
I'm a Novel writer - in german most (^^') - and my first works were Oddworld storys.

But I really thank you for this tips. The second I won't follow, cause this is a part of my typical stil.
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12-29-2006, 11:08 PM
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So you write novels for a living? That's great!

Well, I haven't seen you before, so welcome to the forums!


You get my totally useless seal-of-approval! Congrats!

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12-30-2006, 08:08 AM
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Thank you, I'm honored.
I write novels for an scholarship of the movie-school.

I upload the final part in the first post and I attatch the english *.doc.
Story is finished now.
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Oddworld: Skillya's Brood - Read it, feel it, taste it!


Last edited by Oddys; 12-30-2006 at 02:35 PM..
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12-31-2006, 09:56 AM
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No more readers?

It was hard work to translate the second part.
I really hope that this wasn't excrescent.
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