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  #1  
10-31-2005, 12:13 PM
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The city of the devil....

Hello everybody! This is my second fanfic and I intend to make it better than my Jobe the slig one (Although I will still update that one from time to time also.)! Here is a story with an abe's oddysee like storyline but in the real world...Kinda like the real world. Anyway I shall begin now and stop my bickering.

ch 1:My situation...

Hello my fellow reader. My name is Jakob. I am writing this novel via voice activation because my body is strapped down to a table. I live in the city called flame city. Or as the outsiders like to call it:The city of the devil.

There is no such thing as compassion here. We all worship the leader of hell known as Satan. All Jews,christians,and athiests are taken to the torture chamber. The place where I am now waiting for my death. Yet I am not here for any of those reasons.

I trespassed and destroyed something. Something that could have killed us all. Something that could make this already sad excuse of a planet into a wasteland, and instead of a party being thrown for me I must face this horrible consequence. You are probably now wondering why I said this planet is horrible. Well I will tell you all that later during my real story.

For now I can only give you hints about it. I never knew how to feel love. I know how to kill but not kiss. I know how to torture but not feel freindship. My fifteen year old life has been stuck within this city.

I became an orphan because of my parents dying in this exact same torture room. On this exact same table. So I had to live in an orphanage. Which was sadly next to this horrific building I am in right now. From the beggining of life in there I had to fall asleep in the screams and crying of the victims that perished here.

Sadly that is all I can tell you for now. Now I must go an rest and save my breath for the next long painful chapter you will read. Soon I will tell you everything that happened. From the beggining...To the end of where I am in right now...

End of chapter..

So what do you think? I understand if you aren't into that depressing dark stuff you might not like it so much but hey I think this intro was really good myself! So? Any comments?
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  #2  
11-05-2005, 12:24 PM
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This is a good story, please continue writing. The Idea of a devil worshiping Earth is good.
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  #3  
11-05-2005, 02:40 PM
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Yays reply=chapter!

ch.1:My birth

I remember seeing light from the first second of my birth. I was being quickly taken from my mother's arms and was taken out of the room. The person who took me threw me down a table and got a needle in one hand. "What is this one's number?" he asked to his assistant. "Number 1286 sir." His scrawny assistant replied.

Before I knew it I felt pain for the very first time. Having my little belly being carved with the number 1286 on me. I noticed as I was crying in pain my mom was screaming. She was induring horrific pain and before I knew it everything became silent and she died. The man stopped carving the number since he as finished and stuffed me inside a bag.

"Sir what if he does not live through that?" "Why woulden't he?" "Lack of air sir." "It does not matter he's just another soul for the master to feast in." So just like that I was taken away from the building and was officially known as #1286.

A half hour later after wimpering and crying I saw myself thrown out of the bag. Before me was a woman. She was old and dry and looked as though she could not smile. Her eyes were red and her pupils were a strange shade of yellow. "So this is our new precious one?" The woman said.

"Damn it woman! You are to show no respect to him or any other living being!" "Fine then." The woman had a pail low voice and it seemed as though she would die any second. "What is his number?" " #1286 ma'am." "Indeed then give him to me."

So I was put in the woman's arms and she carried me inside the orphanage. My new home. "Don't worry child." She said quietly when she closed the door. "My children do not have numbers as name. All of them are special, and you look farely special. For now when you are in here. Your name will be: Jakob.

End of chapter

Well waddya think?
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  #4  
11-06-2005, 08:11 AM
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Very dark yet very good. The idea of beng stripped from a personalaty before you have chance to get one. It's a cruel world. I persum that this great story is set in the future.
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  #5  
12-02-2005, 02:07 AM
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poor mother a good but sad story as well I wanna know what's up next

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  #6  
12-05-2005, 02:26 PM
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Well I got two replies this time so how can I resist?

ch.3 after being adopted.....

As I got my new name Jakob I tried to suck it in. By suck it in I mean get used to becuase Jakob does not sound like a fond name to me. Anyway I got used to it quickly and started learning many things. Sadly as though I might have just had a bad start in life and have a happy time in the orphanage well all is not so well. Not only did my name had to get some getting used to but so was my life.

Each morning I had to wake up, and instead of baby food I would get some sort of hard meat. The nun or mally(Which is her name) was very poor and did not get paid much or get much donations. We had to eat cheap spoiled food every day so we won't get broke. That and every month some people in red hoods come in and ask for a crazy monthly fee for the house we live in which is 1,0oo dollars a month.

Since almost any job you get in the city of the devil gives you VERY little pay our Mally had to have 7 jobs. One for each day of the week. So we barely get to spend time with her(By we I mean me and the other orphans). Also I had to get used to the smell. Our orphanage was not some phancy comfy boarding house like place. As a matter of fact the walls are made out of cold steel, and the floor has many metal splinters on it, and since we can't afford any shoes well.....It just isn't good for us.

Also I must talk about our betimes. Each night we have to sleep in cold, wooden, sheetless beds. Also if you read my prolougue you should know that I sleep near the torture chamber of this city. Every night.....I had to sleep in the cries, and blood of victims in this retchet place. I knew my life would grow more difficult and it did.

At age six I was old enough to get an education in kindergarden. I hoped that this place would be happy and have nice counselors like lady Mally. Yet I was sadly wrong. In this kindergarden I had to be named by my number which if you forgot is #1286. This annoys me greatly.

Also the appearence inside this kindergarden place was no more beutiful than mine. This time it had a horrible odor in it. The reason was because the bathroom was in the same room as the "fun room" as the counselor called it. Just to let you know nothing in this room goes in the category of "fun".

The toys in this room were sharp and pointy. Most of them if not all were broken and are unable to do anything but just rust in the ground. If the word "rust" did not catch your eye well the toys are all metal. Which makes it harder for us young ones to play with and NOT get a huge cut on our tiny little arms. Also our counselor was not in one but nice either.

One day we had to go to a field trip to a temple. The bus was out of gas so the councelor thought of a horrible plan. Us little ones had to push the goddamn bus to the temple. Which may I add was 20 miles away. It was one of the worst days of my life.

Anyway that is all for this chapter. It is growing late and I must rest. Luckily my death will not happen until a week. Good night reader.

End of voice chapter.

Phew this was a long one!
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  #7  
12-27-2005, 04:31 PM
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dude, your story is the shit i'm into, i love it.
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