Jobe the slig...

[metroixer]

Okay first of all this is my first post so this is also my first fanfiction.Any advice as I follow the story along would be appreciated..

Chapter 1:Slig go splat!

It was an ordinary day at the snoozer prudoction company.Besides the fact that some sligs had got some special passes to visit.To see what the interns do during production.Jobe an ordinary slig who watches 5 slaves was one of the lucky ones to get this pass.He was interested in how snoozers work.So he was excited about this also that he got to torture some mudokons while he was there.As he watched the interns put in the snoozer's beam he heard some slaves having a conversation while scrubing blood from their own kind off.

"So did u put in the device last night"

The mudokon on the left said.

"I sure did!In a half hour the machine will malfunction!Tracking any metal down!"

His buddy said happily.

"Well that means there are gonna be less sligs to worry about!"

Said the left one grinning.

Hearing this Jobe went to them and said in his pursyasive(sp?) voice while holding his gun up

"Okay slaves I heard your little chat.What machine Are u talking about?"

To this the left mudokon kicked Jobe so hard his pants malfunctioned,he couldn't move,and he fell uncontous(sp?).After what seemed like forever Jobe woke up.But to his horror he did not see the lamps connected to the ceiling of the factory shine on his face.Insted he saw a circle flat like metalic object over him.This is the machine the slaves were talking about.This was the metal smasher.And since it malfunctioned and got of course and saw Jobe who was part metal.Jobe was about to become a victim to the smasher.

To be cont....

[metroixer]

Is no one interested in this?I mean I won't post more if no one is....

[Shrink]

It has potential, however, it would be better to write your chapters within Microsoft Word, and then spellcheck them. Getting your spelling and grammar correct is particularly well thought of, and not only will it make your story read better, but it will make you look better.
You need to describe situations more. It moves along too fast. Furthermore, how does Jobe become unconscious after having his metallic legs kicked? This seems unlikely. It also seems unlikely that a mudokon would cause the legs to malfunction upon a single kick, however, I am willing to suspend disbelief here.

You sentance your paragraphs too much. Use commas, colons and semi-colons (appropriately, as Microsoft Word would advise).
Furthermore, it is common procedure to place a space after puntuation and before the next word/better; as you may observe in this post.

Plot-wise, there is no motive given and no character development, even slightly. We know nothing about every single character, except that Jobe likes to torture mudokons.

Also, about the beginning: There are visiters who have come to the factory via special passes, and are visiting.
Jobe works at the factory.
He got a pass, and is also visiting, as well as working there.

Is that correct?

[metroixer]

Okay first of all I would like to give a MAJOR thank u shrink.

Secondly I guess I did not make myself clear.Okay well u see Jobe works at a hidden factory (To mudokons aat least) in scrabania called dessert works. Glukkons were giving out invitations to random sligs for a special day of break time and see how snoozers work. Also I don't want to give Job away just yet. By that I mean I do not want to express him as soon as the story brgins. It just feel like spoiling everything from the start. Like stranger in the beginning of Strangers wrath. Now about the mudokon kicking Jobe and having his pants broken. Well just think of it. Mudokon slaves have to work each day. I mean it should give them some hard muscle power right? Also with Jobes pants being broken and sending him unconcious. Well just think of it as a mini heart attack. Since his mechanical pants also control some of his nerves. Get the picture? Well I think I covered everything.

Also with this information I will make ch.2 soon!

[used:)]

Good advice Shrink. Anyway, yeah. A good start and I like how it is about a Slig instead of the common Mudokon. So anyway, yeah, good start!

[metroixer]

Well here is ch.2!

Ch.2: Who are u?

As Jobe watches in horror of the machine beginning to fall on him he suddenly saw nothing but empty darkness. He started thumping on the ground and realized he got snatched in a sack. He heard angry screams and interns panicking. Along with the constant urge of sligs wanting to shoot the interns to make them shut the hell up. In 5 min. that was all gone. All he heard was the constant panting of whoever snatched him.

Then in what seemed like an hour of pain from being dragged on the ground he finally saw a burst of light. Then he was kicked out of the bag and saw a bunch of angry mudarchers pointing their bows at him. Each of them with angry frowns that also seemed to have sense of happiness in them.

“You are gonna be the first one to be OUR slave!” Said the mud in the very middle of the pack. Jobe sensed that this one was the leader. For he had more markings than any other mud he has seen so far. His bow also had a green glow that gave Jobe a sense of illness. Then he realized what the leader said and (Tried for his legs were still broken) standing in frustration. In an angry shout he yelled:

“I am not going to listen to you! I am a slig who loves his place in life and will not betray his master under any circumstances! For u disgusting mudokons have killed our ancestors land and destroyed our way of life! It’s your fault that we have these mechanic legs!, It’s your fault your people are slaves!, And it’s your fault that u are reduced to such lowlifes!”

To this the mudarchers looked confuse and puzzled. They whispered together in a huddled position. While they were doing this Jobe looked around for the gun in the bag. Unsuprisingly finding nothing he waits till the muds were finshed talking. They then stopped, broke apart, and went towards Jobe. He sighed put him back in the bag with the help of others since Jobe struggled fiercely, and went to the mudokon temple. Where Jobe would find the truth of his horrible past…

End of chapter

Now u see why Jobe hates mudokons so much! It’s not just because he is a slig! It’s because he was lied to. Now only one question remains. Were his other buddies lied to also?

[odd chick]

This is a good story, metroixer. It seems to have improved a bit since the first chapter. I agree with Shrink on the spell-check thing. Honestly, when I write my stories, that's exactly what I do as well to make sure that everything's in tip-top shape. All I can tell you is to be a WEEEE bit more descriptive, but other than that, it's good. I look forward to the next part.

[metroixer]

Okay well I’m listening to some really awesome music right now so I’m gonna make this chapter extra long!

Ch.3: Jobes eyes revealed….

As Jobe was once again put in the bag he wondered on how everything went so fast. First his day was smooth sailing then all of a sudden he just happens to but in some muds’ conversation then everything just went wrong. He was almost killed, was threatened by what seemed like 20 bows, and now it feels like he’s been lied to the whole time.

“No….”

Jobe thought as he started hearing the sounds of closed cave walls.

“I am not gonna fall for they’re tricks. They’re probably trying to do this so they would make me become they’re slave. No way. That is not going to happen…”

Just as Jobe finished his thoughts he was taken out of the bag. Except this time the mudarchers were more gentle. In front of Jobe he saw a tall mudokon wearing a shaman like mask. He seemed crusty and old for his mask was worn out and has spots of moss. He then saw all the other mudarchers bow down to him. Hesitantly Jobe did the same but without any of the same feeling of respect.

“Oh great bigface!”

The leader of the mudarcher clan yelled out.

“We think we have found the reasons why the sligs have been so cruel to us! This slig uhh…” “Jobe…” Jobe said with impatiens. “Yes Jobe! Has accidentally told us that we took over his ancestors land and destroyed his way of life! Is this true o wise one!?”

To this the mudokon bigface started rubbing the pointy side of his mask. Which seemed impossible to Jobe since it wasn’t anywhere near round. Then to his surprise bigface struck lightning at Jobe’s squid like head. He started seeing visions from the past. He saw happy mudokon children playing with a paramite. Jobe thought the muds were rubbing it in on him.

Then he saw the real terror. His vision started concentrating on the first slig ever born which was in rupture farms. He saw mullok welcome him saying “Congratulations to be the first slig born in rupture farms!” Jobe saw the slig’s happiness in his eyes to be such an honorable type slig. Soon Jobe heard molluk tell the slig what his boss told him. His past and Jobe saw the angriness in the slig’s eyes and knew he started hating mudokons and ran out to capture the ones that were playing with the paramite.

As soon as molluk was alone he started laughing. “Welcome to be the first slig born in rupture farms!” He said again.
Then Jobe heard the most terrifying thing heard to him from molluk. “Or should I say…The first slig to be born ever?”
After he heard molluk finishing his evil laugh Jobe saw all other kinds of visions. Other glukkons doing the same thing with each born slig….Including him.

Jobe’s visions were gone. He was able to stand up again. Then he had an angry shine in his eyes. It wasn’t an angry shine from how the muds just treated him. It was the angry shine of him being lied to his whole life. He took a deep breath and said to the other mudarchers…

“I’m going back to every factory to tell my brothers the truth.”

To this the other muds smiled and saw he understood, and bigface thransported Jobe to the stockyards of the factory he works in and Jobe saw he had an advanced slig’s gun in his hand. Now he knows he can get in however he wants.

End chapter

Oooh! This should make some people pumped on how he would get in! Silently, or destructively?

[metroixer]

Just to let everyone know I will be posting a new chapter once a day!

[Kimon]

First of all, let me say that your chapters have gotten progressively better.

But honestly, I think you should work on your writing skills a bit more. Yes, do as Shrink advises, that was good stuff.

Other advice: To make an entertaining, well-received storey, you really have to think about the what the reader wants to hear. Who's the character, what is he about, what're his motives, why is he in the situation he's in, etc. etc. The following would be as example of summing all that stuff up:

Prologue - Who's Job?

Hi. My name is Job, and I'm a Mudoken working for the dang Vykkers. I don't know where I am, but I don't like it. I don't like it at all. It reminds me of my old life at RuptureFarms.

It stinks here, but not like the Farms. Here it smells like burnt hair and chemicals. The floor is real sticky, and it peels the skin off my paws. My knees and feet are raw from scrubbing so much. There seems to be a lot of scrubbing going on at this place, wherever it is. I don't even know what I'm scrubbing. That's because I'm blind.

I wasn't always blind. I used to be able to see, back when Abe freed me. I could even see when I had my first SoulStorm brew. Man, that was yummy. Mm-mmm, I wish I had a brew right now. Anyway, once I had my first brew, the Sligs threw me into a cage and shipped of to the brewery. That sucked. Those shmucks took, me tied me down, and started lacin' up my eyes! I didn't even know what was happening! I think I blacked out.

Anyway, when I woke up everything was black and I was getting whipped and yelled at. They gave me a pick and I worked for weeks. Then, one day I heard Abe and some other chumps at a Vendo getting drunk on the Brew. Abe was tellin' 'em not to, but they wouldn't listen. Poor shmucks.

The thing that matters is I saw Abe... well not, really, but I heard him, and I told him to get us outta here. He said, "Ok, then follow me." So I said ok and started to walk forward. After a few seconds I realized my foot wasn't hitting the ground. I was falling! I screamed all the way down, the BAM. I was out.

When I awoke, there was an alarm goin' off. I got real spooked and started running towards one of the trains (I had gotten pretty good at moving around without hitting stuff). I could tell there were no other Mudokens around, which was weird. Thinking nothing of it, I got on one of the trains and it started up. I was saved! On it's way out of the Brewery, there was a big BOOM and I fell. Again.

When I woke up (again) I was in a cage with some of my homies from the Brewery. They told me that Abe had rescued everyone in the brewery. "Then why are we here," I asked. They told me they had been on the train I was on, and we weren't in the damn place during the Exoddus. Abe missed us!

So I was pissed. But now, that's where I am, with just a few my homies (who are mostly blind) scrubbing floors with the Vykkers.

END OF PROLOGUE

If you start considering those things, I'm almost sure that your fan fiction (along with your writing skills) will improve dramatically. Kudos, and good luck with Jobe (You name theiving bastard, you!).

[metroixer]

To tell the truth I didn't know you had a fanfic who's name would be like my main character's. So please don't call me a thief k?

[Kimon]

T'was a joke, hence the .

[metroixer]

Well another day another chapter! Just to let everyone know I was using Microsoft word since ch.2.

Ch.4: Welcome home Jobe…

As Jobe looked at the factory he worked in he started wondering if he was layed tricks on by the mudokons. He could just go back to his ordinary life. Forgetting everything that has happened to him. Hanging around with his buddies without having a care in the world. Yet Jobe realized he felt something for the mudokons he never felt before…

He felt compassion over them now, and he knew that this feeling is the thing that won’t stop him from his real mission. He started walking towards the factories stockyards. Yet before he could even get in he saw 3 big bro’s guarding the gate to the entrance. In Jobe’s horror he saw that the slig in the middle was head commander, and Jobe knew that if that big bro saw a slig outside of the factory he would shoot first, and ask questions later. As Jobe noticed this he also noticed that the 2 on the side were talking about him.

“Have u heard of that ransy (Which is like pansy but in slig form) slig get caught by those mudarchers?” “Hah! If I see that motha****** I’ll stick this gun right up his arse!” “Heh heh! Then I’ll go on ahead and nock him senseless!”

Jobe just kept hearing this insults with rage. About to go out guns ablazing until the commander interrupted them…

“Listen you 2 shut up! We are hear to protect the gate from intruders! Not start cussing out on such a USELLES, PATHETIC, and WEAK low life slig! Besides I would flick of his head in a second anyway!”

To this Jobe felt that he could not hide it no longer. He came out of his hiding spot which was a large boulder and started shooting like mad with his gun! “SHUT THE HELL UP!” He said while the slig on the left became so startled he was Jobe’s first vulnerable target and shot him in the head.

“Who the? What the?” Said the big bro on the right stammering like mad. He was Jobe’s next target. Quickly he charged up his gun to medium (Something low class slig guns can’t do.. Or most big bro ones for that matter.) and shot off the big bro’s legs. Leaving him to bleed to death. Job’s rampage was over but there was one guard left. The commander himself.

“You’re disgusting” Said Jobe as he was face to face with the commander. “You knew all along didn’t you? The way the glukkons lied to us, how we were doing horrible things for no reason… You found out when u became commander am I right?”

The commander started laughing a horrible raspy laugh that sounded like a grinder malfunctioning. “Ahh so you found out also! Listen you little weak slig. Just because u know does not mean the others will believe you! How are you going to prove it to them?”

“You see this?!” Jobe started pointing to two tattoos on his arm. Which he got from bigface electrocuting him. “These will let me give the other sligs images! Images that shown me why I must to this!” “Fine..” The commander grumbled as he took his gun similar like Jobe’s out of his pant’s pocket.

“You’re dead anyway” The big bro said in a satisfied tone. It was quiet there for what seemed like 5 minutes, but as soon as a scrab howled both of them said “draw!” and shot!

End chapter…

Well here we are at an action scene but who will win? The next chapter shall tell! I love making suspense…

[metroixer]

No the fanfic is not dead yet!

Ch 5: The battle of the sligs!

As the shots the commander fired went to Jobe he somehow jumped out of the way!

“How did I do that?” Jobe pondered for a second but then he was interrupted by a hand grabbing his head. The commander got hit by the shots but barely got a scratch! “Hah ha! You did not think one puny, and skinny shot could kill ME did you?! If so then you are more dead than ever!

Jobe quickly reacted by putting the end of his gun on the comm.’s eye. He yelled in pain and let go of Jobe quickly. Jobe fell down but got quickly back up. The comm. Rubbed his eye in frustration and yelled: “You incompetent little weakling! I will make sure the fleeches get a good feast tonight! No one touches me without and gives me pain and get’s away with it!”

Jobe started charging his gun to see if it would do more damage to the comm., but the comm. Already started running with rage at him. With every time his legs touched the ground it would feel like a huge earthquake just occurred. Jobe let go of his charge and shot at some boulders by accident. A rockslide occurred and fell on the comm. . He broke free, but he got scratches on some of his armor.

The comm. yelled out in volcano like anger. “You son of a *****! I will have you skinned from top to bottom! Your death shall be so painful the devil himself will fear it! You” But the comm.. stopped as a fully charged blast from Jobe’s gun.

As smoke cleared from the blast Jobe noticed he didn’t have any new scratches on him. Jobe was surprised to see the comm. look no different. “You know my armor is gun proof!” Said the comm. in a hearty way. Jobe did not listen to him though he quickly charged a shot, and shot at another pile of boulders.

Another rockslide occurred and it hit the big bro once again. This time as the comm.. Broke out the armor pieces for his arms cracked open. “So that’s how I do it” Jobe thought. “I gotta crack open those shields by piling boulders on the comm. . Thus cracking his armor open and leaving him vulnerable!”

“So you think you found it out!?” the extremely furious bro said. “Well Jobe you may have got some “special” powers from the floor waxers, but that those not mean I have tricks on my own!” The comm. Pressed some button on the wall and suddenly hundreds of hundreds of tamed fleeches scurried out. “Fleeches….. Dinner time!”

The comm. teleported in the factory leaving Jobe surrounded by tons of blood reducing worms. Who all want a slig for dinner…

End of chapter

Meh got nothing to say for this one. I like the plot twist I made though!

[odd chick]

I liked that chapter. The description was used just enough to where it wasn't overdone-that was a very good thing to do. It's a shame that you don't get as many replies for this story that you should-I think it's a good story that has lots of potential.

[metroixer]

Yea thanks! Sorry about not posting that many chapters now but since not to many people have been responding well.....I just thought people did not like it. Well I gues i'm gonna post this chapter here.

ch.6:Oh the tongues!

Jobe was looking frantically in each direction for escape. Sadly there was no way out. Jobe knew now that the only way to get in was by force. He was preparing his gun until he felt a pinch. A fleech attacked him! Soon the disgusting green worms started squirming frantically for their snack.

Jobe started shooting them frantically, but as more die more fleeches come out. Thankfully Jobe's gun does not have a certain limit so he could do fine for a while. Soon though he started feeling the sting more. each one more painfull than the last. Jobe began weary of blood loss.

"Stop!" Before Jobe finnaly fell unconsious the last thing he heard was that voice, and the last thing he saw were 2 big legs coming torwards him as the fleeches retreated back in their pen. Beep...Beep....Beep.... Jobe started hearing things. He was not able to open his eyes, but he knew he was in the hospital. The hospital wasn't at all cozy nor did it smell good, but this did not interest Jobe. What interested him was the conversation he was hearing while he was being healed for some reason.

As Jobe listened he knew it was his boss and the comm.. "You arrogant fool!" Screamed out his boss. "Do you know what chance you are messing up here!? Jobe could be our ticket to moolah, annd our most respcted slig which he needs! "Are you saying he needs respect?" "Sigh..Listen there are 3 main reasons he needs respect!

1 is because he needs it so he can be tricked! 2 is to have him nice and relaxed. 3 is beacuse I care for him!" "He cares for me?" Thought Jobe.

Jobe's mind started going in circles. "He cares for me?" "Yes I care for every single slig in this factory including Jobe!" "Wait...How could he care for me? He lied to me! I'm...I'm losing my mimd here!! Ahh!!!"

Jobe woke up in his usual bed and saw his boos standing in front of him. "Jobe" Said his boss in an old raspy voice which did not surprise Jobe since his boss lived for 50 years now. "I ask you as a favor for both of us. Do you want to be head slig?"

End of chapter

I liked how this one turned out..

[metroixer]

I will post one more chapter. If no one responds to this I will stop. Though I really don't want to, but I don't want to take up space in this board.

ch.7: Jobe's choices

Jobe started to panic as his boss was kindly smiling at him. Did he want to really have this great honor? He has thought about this ever since he saw the factory again. Did he want to kill his own boss who created him? While Jobe was thinking he heard his boss say in his own calm voice.

"You know Jobe. If you agree to this I will let them all go." "What Boss?" "The sligs and the mudokons. If you become head slig I will let you have them under your control.

I know you want them all to be free, and I don't have anything against that." "What about that conversation you had with the comm. earlier? Why did you not tell him?" "Jobe please you know he won't understand. He'll try to kill you all before you even step foot out if I told him."

"So you want the sligs to be free? Why did you not tell us all in the first place?" "There would be mixed feelings about it i'm sure. That is why I gave you a list of what sligs would probably understand this situation." The boss showed a list of what seemed like endless names. Jobe could not read them all right now, but he knew he had all the time in the world to do this.

"So Jobe." Said his happy faced like boss. "Do you want to take the Job?"
Jobe would have said yes hastily, but one question was still in his mind. "Sir....What will you do with the sligs that are not in this list?" "My life will probably end soon Jobe.... In 5 days after you leave I will activate the boiler and destroy myself along with all the other sligs here that would probably betray you."

Jobe hesitated now. He almost felt what seemed like a tear from his eye which seemed impossible. For 10 straight minutes he was sitting on his bed thinking hard. So hard he felt as though his brains would die out. Jobe finnaly made his decision.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and said with all his might: "I'll do it"

End of chapter

Please someone respond to this!

[odd chick]

Interesting couple of chapters, there, metroixer! Jobe is an interesting character-he seems a bit different from the other Sligs. Don't stop writing this because it's a good story!

[metroixer]

thnx odd chick. Your encouragment keeps me going .

ch.8:The meeting

It was a week since Jobe's conversation with the boss. He kept looking over the list of names he got so he won't forget them. In the next 4 days he arranged his meeting with the sligs that were able to be with him. As the day came closer one of his freinds came to ask him a question. He looked slightly nervous for some reason and was shaking hard.

"J-j-j-jobe can I talk to you for a minute?" Jobe's freind Quail took him to an abandoned part of the factory. "Listen Jobe you know how I work near the core of the factory right?" "Yes I know and a great job you are doing on it to!" "W-w-well you see some vykkers snuck in somehow and started a secret project there.

We caught them yesterday, but there was a bit of a problem.." "What is it Quail?" "Well let me just show you.." Quail opened up a door behind him. Inside there was blood on the other side of the door. Along with a long hallway full of vykker and slig corpses.

"They were expirementing on some mudokon. It seems it went horribly wrong. I did nott see it myself but I saw it's shadow. It looked like a paramite and scrab mixed together. It also looked like it was shooting lightning at everything.."

To this Jobe felt shaken. "Is it loose in the factory?" "We do not know where it is. We keep hearing it's roar here and there, but no one spotted it again so far." Jobe tried to calm down.

His meeting would be tommorow,and he will get out at the same exact day. He doesn't need to worry about this thing. In a calm voice he said: "Listen....Don't worry about it the boss will take care of it trust me..." "Okay then, but I do not know how the boss will stop this thing..." they both went back to the crowded part of the factory.

As soon as Jobe learned this he noticed something. The sligs never fell asleep. They were more alert than usual too. He would always get the questions "Have you killed the thing yet?" or "Are you sure all will be okay?". As always Jobe answered in a calm voice "Don't worry everything will be fine."

The day finnaly came. hundreds of sligs came to the party room drinking ale, betting, and just being plain lazy. For two full hours Jobe had fun and excitement. Soon Jobe went up to the karaokie pateo stopping a slig from his horrible singing and taking a deep breath.

"My slig brothers and freinds. A time of freedom is upon us. I do not know how to say it, but you have all been betrayed by your creator our boss." The sligs started talking confusingly while staring at Jobe at the samt time. "If you think I am made then just watch this."

Jobe put up the vision he recieved from the mudokons to all those slig's minds. It was two minutes until all of them got back to their real vision. "Well? Do you see the betrayal we have recieved? How we have been used for the glukkon's enjoyment!?"

All the sligs took no thought. They knew what they saw was real and agreed with Jobe. "My slig bretheren today we shall escaoe with the mudokon'd for a free land! We shall save all the sligs!" To this the whole room was beginning to fill with cheers of agreement and joy.

Jobe looked around happily seeing all the sligs here was agreeing until everything turned into chaos. The ground started shaking and a terrible howl occured. Jobe soon hurrs a cry for help. "Oh God let go off me! Ahh someone help me!!No!!"

Jobe saw in the middle of the crowd a slig was being pulled in the ground by some kind of hands. He saw the slig's hand sink in the ground and the ground started shaking again. Out of the ground jumped out a huge beast. Half paramite and scrab this was the creature Quail was talking about. Jobe also knew the name of this beast.

It was indeed the terrible. The murderous creature known as: The shrykull. And Jobe knew there was no way to stop it. So with one loud yell he said: "Get the hell out of here!!! Everyone! Take all the muds with you to just get out so you can live in freedom!"

So in a quick rush the sligs ran out. Some did not make it. Yet Jobe knew he should be more concerned about if the creature will hunt his new clan down.

End of chapter

Nothing to say here..

[odd chick]

That chapter was great, metroixer, but it reminds me a bit too much of Splat's stories "Splat" and "Amy" (with the mudokon/scrab/paramite creature bit). Other than that, it was interesting. I can't wait to see what the sligs decide to do.

[metroixer]

never read any of splat’s fanfics…Anyway thanks for posting!

Ch.9:The escape…

There was great chaos roaring through out the factory. Sligs that were not at the party were confused at what was happening. Until they saw the beast running to them. The ones that were not told to escape the factor shot the creature with no success. The big bro’s were called in to fight the beast but they failed quickly.

Jobe was the last one to leave the factory. Before he left he took a look back at his destroyed home. Guns and corpses laid on the floor. Hanging on to poles and such. It was as if a huge time bomb has exploded. Jobe then turned around, joined his group, and never looked back.

Even though the big bro’s did not succeed in killing the shrykull not all died. The commander of the big bro’s was still alive and well. He had great suspicions when he saw sligs leaving the factory. He secretly followed them with some of his buddies. Of course nothing could prepare him on what would happen.

It was 2 days since the slig and mud clan of Jobe’s left. The mudokons were able to make shelter while the sligs hunted for food. It was indeed a great combination. During night time slig poppers stand outside guarding the tents. Who were so used to working overtime they did not care. It took possibly a week before Jobe and his clan found a new factory.

It seemed to be run by vykkers. Jobe doubted that there were any sligs there, but he still had to save the muds. It did not seem to heavily guarded and was run by a glukkon pud. So this would be an easy first try for him. They camped out near they’re stockyards for a plan.

“Okay everyone here is how it will go..” Said Jobe confidently. “We will have a couple of unarmored poppers sniping from the factories roof. You will kill as many guards as possible. If we are lucky they will not spot you and we can go in there with an easy victory. By we I mean the armored poppers and me.

If we need any assistance we will call over the beaters for help. Once the coast is cleared the muds will go in and tell they’re bretheren what just happened. While you guys are doing that I will go in the middle of the gunfight and storm the executive’s office. Now let’s get a good night’s rest for the battle.” Jobe clapped his hands, the fire became dim, and everyone went to bed….

The next morning Jobe and the others woke up early at 5:00. He thought it was best that the snipers should kill some vykkers in their sleep. Quietly the snipers climbed up unguarded walls of the factory and started shooting. There were pretty close calls at one point. One slig almost shot open an alarm. Another almost shot a nuclear bomb in testing.

It took 2 hours until the vykkers woke up. There they noticed the snipers, and Jobe shouted charge as loud as he can. A door flew open, the sligs stormed in, and the battle begun. Jobe started running in after the army so he would not be noticed.

There were lazers flying everywhere. Screaming and commands started filling the room. The objects in the factory were being used as bunkers and weapons. Jobe killed a couple of vykkers himself. It did not seem as though he would have to call for backup since the sligs were doing pretty well on their own.

Jobe started running to the executive office. He killed the two guards standing next to the door and stormed in. “Face on the floor now!” Jobe screamed as he stuck up his gun to the startled pug. He saw that the factories purpose was to chop fuzzles into tasty bite sized treats.

“You are disgusting!” “No I’m not it’s just business!” “Get down now!” The glukkon obeyed and layed down on the floor. Jobe activated the main boiler: The factory will blow up in 10:00 said a computer voice.

As Jobe strapped the glukkon down to the boiler he ran out to see how the plan worked. The room was empty, and he saw mudokons running out the door. Jobe ran out and as he reached the camp site the factory exploded. His first ever mission was accomplished…

End of chapter…

[odd chick]

Great chapter, metroixer! I liked how you made the action pick up toward the end-very nice.

[metroixer]

Yesh I believe if this story gets better it will have more posters! So without further ado...

ch.10:The confrence!

Weeks passed by as Jobe's army gets stronger and stronger. His reputation among the glukkons terrify them. So one day three glukkons gather together for a confrence. One of them is a gluk. president in charg of food and water supply. He has a russian toungue so he kinda mixes russian and english together whil he talks. His name is Deribas (Got an educational easter egg here...).

The other one is a glukkon with problems. He talks very strangely and is kind of handicapped. Vocal wise that is (Hint he talks like that guy from the waterboy movie.).
He is a reporter glukkon and is a strange pud but loooks can be decieving and his name is hail. The last glukkon is one that lives in many slig's hearts.

He was and now is again the leader of the slig barracks. He has endured possesion from abe himself. His many medals gleam in brightness and pride as he wears them. This glukkon known by many is none other than general dripik. Ressurected from death he now has many scars and stitches on his face, but that doesen't stop him from doing on what he can do best:STOP ANY INDUSTRIALIST DESTRUCTION AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!

Thus they start they're conversation in the slig barracks. Dripik starts out: "So what are we gonna do about it eh? I thought that skinny blur bastard abe was the most of our problems!" Next Deribas speaks out "Well ti znaish shto? This slig big Figet! Nu patchimu:Water and food ya give him and how does he repay us!? Barshoy booms that's what!"

Now hail is brave enough to step out (He's kind off a weakling...). "L-L-Listen you two. You are both being loud. Do you w-want us to get death?" Dripik bursts out in laughter "Bahaha! Ya pansy! What did yo momma say yelling is bad? Well then join me Deribas IS THIS LOUD ENOUGH FOR YA HAHA!"

The two glukkons started insulting hail but then he spoke out. "Please your being mean! Fine then. I-I guess I won't tell you my plan then." "YOU HAVE A PLAN!?" The two glukkons said together. They looked at each other and then started laughing again.

"Y-yes as a matter of fact I do have a plan!" "Da e ya british! BAHAHA!" "Do you want to hear it or not t-though?" "Fine hail amuse us." "Okay then general meany" Hail called his helper slig who held out a poster filled with compecated equations on it.

"As you know Jobe the rude slig has a very big army right now. I plan on controlling it." "How are you gonna bore them to death with your favorite books which may I add are pop up books? Heh heh" "N-no as a matter if fact I have this slig and mudokon head coverings as my helper slig points here."

Hail's slig pointed to 2 silver objects that look like either the head of a slig or mud. "Once the correct head touches the correct body it fuses inside of the creature and it will be put under my control." "Your control! Patchimu ni ya?" "That's because I need some sligs and slaves to work on a factory I plan to make."

"Hmm..." Thought dripik. "It is a waste of good warriors but what the heck? Let's do it!" "Y-yes first we attract the clan of Jobe's to your barracks then under my command the machines will start raining down endlessley! No living thing there shall escape!"

Deribas started breaking out in evil laughter and Hail joined in until Dripik yelled out "Don't jynx it! Last time I did that that abe guy killed me first out of phleg and asilik!" "Oi sorry Dripikk." "Well then I gotta go to my office to go file some new sligs." Said dripik.

"Da and I have to go and watch over the sligs bringing in the food supplies" Said Deribas. The both of them left with only Hail and his slig behind and started breaking out in jolly laughter. "Yes thanks to the big bro slig commander H-helping me this evil plan of mine would have not worked! To bad I killed him!"

"With this whole army of sligs I won't make a factory. I'll destroy every single glukkon besides me that exists! BWAHAHAHA-Oh my asthma! Helper! Give me my sathms medicine *wheeze*" After taking his medicine Hail laughed loudly again while walking out of the barracks. After that he whispered to himself. "So then....No one can stop me from taking control over oddworld hehe.."

End of chapter

I liked the introduction of these 2 new character (Deribas and hail) while it may not seem like it we will see deribas again. Sorry if the russian and english mix confused you. If so i'll tone it down a bit. I especially liked that asthma part I made lol.

[odd chick]

Nice work, metroixer. I, personally, liked how you wrote the dialogue-it was interesting. The only thing that I can point out is that at one time you wrote at both the past and the present tense. It should be either one or the other. Other than that, it was great. I'm glad you put Dripik in this, too because I always thought he was kind of funny.

[metroixer]

*gasp* A post! So it has been made. So it shall be done!

ch.11: The plan begins

Jobe and his group were in a deep forest called Mushushu. They had went there since it was a reasonable supply for food and they were running out if food. His clan now consisted of about 5,000 sligs and even 15,000 muds. So the clan seperated into groups and went on they're journey by themselves in the forest. Jobe's group was small and not crowded since he can catch the attention of many sligs and get through battles well nowadays so he does not need to many sligs and muds in his group.

The other group however is big and huge so Dripik, Hail, and Deribas thought that is where Jobe would be. So one night a leviating monitor like object came to the base to where the huge group is which by the way had Deribas watching from the monitors point of view.

As it came to the slig gaurd he shouted "Stop right there and identify yourself!" Then Deribas from the monitor shouted "Ya nada videt Jobe!" "....What?" "Oi cack english skazat? I need to see jobe!" "Oh... Well he ain't here right now!" "YA magu vsat mosage?" "....Uh...sure but in english please."

"Harasho! Hmm...In the slig barracks we are not giving sligs food and water anymore. If you want them to survive go there in 3 days or be responsible for 10,000 slig deaths." "10,000!!! You're sick!" "Eta phso packa" The monitor turned off and the slig saw it drop to the ground and started thinking [ We don't need Jobe's help. We got numbers on our side! ]

So he rushed into the camp where all the other sligs and muds were. The camp was big and like a town more than a rest stop. Elum's grunting, slig's giving out new and improved guns they made which were fake sometimes and Mud's builded an altar for worshipping bigface. So then the gaurd went into the bonfire (Which was in the middle of the campsite. It was like the main hall of a mansion.) and started getting everyones attention.

He told everybody about his little meeting with Deribas and how they could storm slig barracks without the help of Jobe. This made everyone cocky thinking that numbers were on they're side and started yelling out that they should storm the barracks the next day. So they all got ready for the next day and went to sleep.

Jobe woke up hearing marching near the camp and got out of his portable tent. His campsite with his group was on a hill. A good place to see what was going on from miles away. Jobe looked over the hill and saw an almost endless line of sligs and muds storming a factory. Which seemed to be the slig barracks.

"Those idiots! I told them not to go to war by themselves without my permission!" Jobe went to tell the rest of his group but it seems as though they joined storming the barracks also. "Dammit they will all get killed! They don't know what the barracks might have in store for them!" So he took his gun and ran out torwards the crowd.

From the barracks dripik and Hail were watching the army coming closer to the barracks. "N-Now remeber you know that I will not drop the devices until practucally the whole army get's inside." "For the love of god mon I KNOW! I KNEW 10 FRIGGIN TIMES ON HOW WE ARE GONNA DO THIS!" "Yelling again" "Just....Just shut up"

So as the main door of the barracks is beong hammered and almost falls. The plan will then begin in less than 10 minutes and counting...

End of chapter

This was definetly not my best work but hey we get the plot advancement, and we get more temptation.

[odd chick]

Wow, it's been awhile since I've been on these forums! Sorry it took so long to reply to this, but I didn't think the chapter was bad at all. It was very good and well-written. It's just a shame that you can't get any more replies than this, though. Keep up the good work.

[metroixer]

Reply! Reply! Reply equals chapter! Hopefully you did not see my end of oddworld fic. (Yet another failure .) Anyway....

ch.12: The real plan begins.....

As Jobe runs torwards the crowd he fears he will not get to the barracks in time. He knows the cunning ways of general Dripik and can not risk losing his teammates. As he rushed through the door the army of sligs and muds started pushing the door down. Inside the barracks are millions of sligs waiting for the attack to start. Then all of a sudden the doors break down.

"Kill em!" Shouted Dripik as the army marched in. Many lazers started firing and JObe heard them from far away. He realized it was too late. "Well Hail when should we start?" Dripik asked annoyingly feeling that this is becoming a waste of time. "A little longer Dripik." Said Hail surprisingly calmly.

"Let's just wait until Jobe comes so he can see his demise..." Said Hail confidently. As Jobe gets closer to the barracks he does not notice he is going closer to an evil glukkon's succes. He passes the stockyards.....Reaches the entrance and sees the all out war raging. He looks up and sees the 2 glukkons smiling at him from a safe distance. "NOW!" Said Hail loudly.

"Sayanora! Jobe and traitors!" Said Dripik loudly as his slig helper pressed the button to have the helmets falling in the battlefield. Little did Dripik know he made a very big mistake. After a little while of laughing Dripik froze and looked at the smiling Hail who was getting slaves for his doing every second. "You....I put..." Dripik stammered in fear but Hail interrupted.

"You Dripik habe done the biggest mistake ever... For now all those sligs of Jobe's and you'rs sgall be put to my command! And there is nothing you can do about it."

End of chapter

No comment here...

[odd chick]

Hey, to me a story is not considered a complete failure unless it gets no replies. You're getting at least one, so that's better than what it could've been. That chapter was a little on the short side, but I liked it. This one line cracks me up, too!

He knows the cunning ways of general Dripik and can not risk losing his teammates. ...

I find it hilarious that Dripik is considered "cunning" when he can't even remember his own name! Nice work.

[metroixer]

Yep and it wasn't even dripik who thought up the plan. Sorry for the shortness I was in a rush but I wanted to reply as soon as possible. Anyway....

ch.13: Holy crap it's Hail!

Dripik looked at the once bloodcraved battlefield. No guns were being fired. No shouts were being heard. Ever single living soul stood in one place looking like motionless heartless dummies. Dripik started to close his eyes...er eye for a long time and opening it again. Hoping that what just happened never really happened.

One of those motionless sligs was Jobe. Although he never got caught by the helmets oh no. In fact he was frozen in complete fear. A whole army of his that trusted him,relied on him,has now went and turned on him cause they thought his own army without Jobe's assistance would be fine. Now they are probably against him for good. Probably permanantly.

As he looked at the 2...Well one concious glukkon (Now dripik just got knocked out by a big bro slig...) Hail he realized that huge evil smirk on his face. Hail opened his mouth and said at the microphone..."Well Jobe how does it feel? *cough cough* that now you will be killed by an army you worked so HARD for only to get them against you by your's truly!? Now my slaves....Your first order will be quite simple.....KILL EM!"

All the sligs and muds looked at Jobe with their glowing eyes. Each of them raised out a weapon....They loaded they're guns or spoocebows...They raised it right at Jobe...And just like that I can say this story is over. That Jobe lost and Hail took over all of oddworld with his seemingly unstoppable army. Yet that is not the case for as the guns were shot...So was a natural reflex from a cunning and strange creature.

All the lazers and such came running at Jobe. He closed his eyes and waited for the pain. Yet before one shot could hit him....He was grabbed by something. He felt wind cutting through his body,and his body was supported by very hairy arms. He looked at what grabbed him and all he saw was an apelike head except with shiny green eyes. Then just like that...Jobe fainted from the sudden surprise that has overtook him...


End of chapter...

I think this was very good and should have at least hmm....Wait nevermind no medals. But it still seems like a great chapter!

[odd chick]

Yes, I agree with you-it was your best one yet, in my opinion. The only things I caught in this chapter were a couple of grammar errors, but they were very minor. Poor Jobe having everyone turn against him! It's good that he was saved, though. Nice work.