The Story Of Brian.

[kjjcarpenter]

I am creating a story for my RPG Character. For he has a very big past and must be told.

Chapter I: The Beginning.

Apon a hill a wise Mudokon who has Blue skin is seeing into the future whist saying a Prophecy:

“His scared eye lay upon his face,
This Glukkon may kill the Mudokon race.
With skin of Black, and a very small shack,
He may pull the spine out of your back.
Bull shall he prevail and kill us all,
Will Carl the Glukkon…Have the final gore?”

The Mudokon was then struck by a lightning bolt, leaving nothing were he was standing, not even ashes.

Not far away Vykkers Labs #13 were conducting an experiment.
“What are you doing Humphrey!?” yelled Irwin.
“I’m putting this Knife in this Fuzzle to see were the heart is, and how big it is!” Screamed Humphrey while sticking the knife in the Fuzzle.
The Fuzzle let out a squeaky scream as it slowly died.
“GOD!” yelled Irwin. “Margaret is paying us 40 000 Moolah to look after Molluck’s brother. So don’t mess it up!”
“Who cares?” said Humphrey. “Molluck is only 5!”
”He owns an entire factory, bigger than all of our labs put together!”
“I don’t care O.K!”
While Humphrey reached for tools he saw Carl running away.
“Irwin,” said Humphrey. “Whose job is it to look after him for this hour?”
“Well considering the hour just passed, it would be me,” said Irwin.
“THEN GO GET HIM!” yelled Humphrey while pointing at Carl.
Irwin ran after Carl when he noticed he was playing with special potion’s.
“NO!” Yelled Irwin while jumping for Carl. He accidentally ran into the potion cabinet instead and it fell on Carl making a load noise. Humphrey walked up to Irwin and helped him up.
“There goes our pay,” said Humphrey. ‘Good one idiot!”
Humphrey smacked Irwin over the back of his head.

Chapter II: If I Had A Vykkers Labs…..Coming Soon!

[big bro boogie]

Cool, write some more... please?

[odd chick]

Nice beginning, Chirpy. I especially like the poem you wrote at the beginning-nice. Well, keep it going! I can't wait to see where this leads!

[kjjcarpenter]

Thanks,I got the poem from the Prophecy on AE.

Chapter II: If I Had A Vykkers Lab…

“GET HIM OUT OF THERE IRWIN!” Yelled Humphrey.
Irwin quickly grabbed some gloves and grabbed Carl out of the spilt chemicals.
“Thank god you’re all right Carl,” said Irwin.
“Give him to me, I will run some test to see if he is alright, but first wash him off at the washing bay,” said Humphrey while pointing at the washing bay.
“Yes, Humphrey.”
Irwin washed Carl and handed him back to Humphrey.

After about 30 minutes Humphrey said, “Well, there is good news, he is not hurt.”
“Yes! Wai- wait a minute, were there is good news…there’s bad.”
“Well he is sort of a Super Glukkon. He will never die, unless murdered. His brain was spilt on with Oxide-altrinium and all his brain can think about is dark evil and sinister things! And he has a scar across his right eye making him half blind.”
“Were dead!”
Suddenly the Labs microphone turned on and a voice said, “Humphrey, Irwin, we are approaching Margaret’s lair, get ready with the Gluk.”
“SHIT!” Yelled both Humphrey and Irwin.

About 10 minutes later Humphrey and Irwin are approaching Margaret.
“Well, well, well, looks like you took good care of Carl, he is asleep,” said Margaret not knowing of Carl’s scar.
“You tell her,” said Humphrey.
“You tell her, you did it,” said Irwin.
“No I didn’t you did, so you tell her.”
“No, I wont.”
“Tell me what,” interrupted Margaret.
Irwin looked up at Margaret and said, “Well, I acci- ahh well.”
“I don’t have all day.”
“Well, ahh.”
“FOR ODD SAKES TELL ME.”
“Carl ran off from me and Humphrey, then he was playing with chemicals and it fell on him.”
“WHAT!?!”
“Tell her all of it,” said Humphrey.
“You tell her the rest,” said Irwin.
“Fine! Irwin jumped to stop Carl but he hit the case knocking it over.”
Irwin was making his arm go back and forwards across his throat trying to tell Humphrey to shut up.
“The Chemicals fell on Carl, so I did some test and results show that no harm has come to him except he can not die, unless murdered, all his brain can think about is evil and he has a scar across his right eye making him half blind,” said Humphrey.
“Why I oughta have you both KILLED!” yelled Margaret.
“But I am prepared to give Carl Vykkers Labs Number 7 and you Number 18 with all there contents.”
“Alright, that is a deal.”

Vykkers Labs Number 13 left and Margaret said, “Carl, one day you will own all of Mudos.”
Margaret then let out a giant laugh it echoed across the valley.

Chapter III: Young, Rich and Scary…Coming Soon!

[odd chick]

This is a bit interesting, although I have read many stories such as this before. It's well-written, in my opinion, but there are a couple of things that could be fixed. (Well, one that NEEDS to be fixed, actually.) One is that where you put "Carl ran off from me and Carl...", but shouldn't that say: "Carl ran off from me and Humphrey..."?. Irwin is the one speaking there, right? Also, where you said that "All he can think about is evil.." that could've been worded better as well-have him say something as "he thinks of dark, sinister thoughts...murder....pain..." that would just sound better, in my opinion. Other than those two minor things, the story is good.

[big bro boogie]

That's true, but it still doesn't mess up the storyline, which is the importantest thing in my opinion. But i noticed something, the thread title is called: the story of Brian, and the title: the story of Carl. Whats up with that?

[odd chick]

But i noticed something, the thread title is called: the story of Brian, and the title: the story of Carl. Whats up with that?

Yeeeaaahhh....You know what? I didn't notice that until just now. It needs to be changed to Carl instead of Brian.

[kjjcarpenter]

bout that title, it is a typo. It is acually Carl.

[kjjcarpenter]

Sorry its been so long, I will post a new chapter every Saturday from now on.

Chapter III: Young, Rich And Scary.

5 years had past and Carl is riding his Vykkers Lab across Mudos.
Carl was looking into space and said, “Lets kill some Muds Bob.”
Bob who was another Glukkon but much older than Carl said, “Ok Carl.” He than spoke into a microphone and said, “To Mud territory, get the interns ready, its Mud killing time.”
They arrived and the Loading Bay door opened and interns ran out with guns, slaughtering all Mudokons in sight. The Mudokons could do nothing but watch themselves die.

Carl slowly walked outside smiling; he then let out a laugh that was most defiantly evil. He then saw one survivor, it was a lady Mudokon, it was Sam.
“Are you Sam?” asked Carl.
“I am,” replied Sam.
“I will spare your life if you come with me to my brothers factory, were you will breed Mudokons for our Industries.”
“I’d rather die!”
“To bad, but I’m taking you anyway, get her.”
All the Interns put Sam into a net a tied it up. Sam new if she tried to struggle free they would torture her so she lay still in the net.

They all boarded Vykkers Lab #7 and headed for Rupture Farms.
Carl was thinking and then said, “Bob, do you know how much Moolah Molluck would give me for same.”
“No I don’t,” said Bob interested.
“****ING HEPS!”
They were nearing Rupture Farms when Molluck (who was now 10) got a call from Carl.
“Hello,” answered Molluck.
“Hi, bro,” said Carl.
“Hello Carl, what do you want.”
“What would you say if I had Sam.”
“I’d say your bluffing, but you don’t bluff, you have HER!”
“That’s right, how much will you give me”
“I would give you…”
Back at Vykkers Labs #7 Carl’s eyes widened and he collapsed as if he had Moolah signs in his eyes.
“Deal Molluck,” said Carl.

Vykkers Labs #7 parked on top of Rupture Farms were Molluck awaited them.
“Hi Carl,” said Molluck as Carl walked out of Vykkers Labs. “Right this way.”

Chapter IV: In The Hidden Depths She Shall Lie, Until The Day……Coming Soon!

[Munch's Master]

It's a good fic but i have only one real thing about this chapter:
The first parragraph could have had a lot more description and detail, I can't think of an alternative way of saying it but you could have done it more descriptive. It doesn't really matter though, it's still a good story.

[odd chick]

Yeah, I liked that chapter. It was good, but I agree with Munch's Master-it needs to be more descriptive. Other than that, it was a decent chapter.

[kjjcarpenter]

Chapter IV:In The Hidden Dephts She Shall Lie, Until The Day.

Carl and Molluck were walking down a hallway with a few sligs who were carrying Sam.
“She is Sam’s mother you know,” said Carl.
“But her name is Sam,” said Molluck.
“Both of there names are Sam, this one was in Captivity and had Sam while she was there. She somehow escaped though.”
“How do you know?” asked Molluck curiously.
“A Vykker told me.”

They both entered the Board Room. Molluck told a slig a code and the Board Room floor began to slowly move down, creaking, and crackling.
“So were does this lift go?” asked Carl.
“200 meters underground were we will keep Sam until you come in 10 years,” said Molluck.
The lift came to a creaky stop and all of them walked into a dark tunnel that sort of looked like it were dug out by a giant worm.
“Open that door,” Molluck told one of the sligs.
The slig opened the door and inside there was a room with lots of unfinished robots. A slig pressed a button and all light came on, along with about 20 Shrinks.
“She shall lie here until the day you return,” said Molluck.
There was then an explosion on the roof, and Carl’s Vykkers Lab was blown up and sent falling to the ground.
“MY LABS!” yelled Carl.

Chapter V: Chapter IV Part II

Sorry about the delay and shortness of this chapter but I was away last week. This chapter is short for I can not make it longer without carrying into the next chapter.

[Munch's Master]

Hooray, update! I understand it can be hard to update fully, so good luck and keep it up!

[Dark Lord]

I like this story! keep it up please!

[odd chick]

Nice chapter, Chirpy. Your chapters are getting a bit better as you go along...you're developing your writing skills and they've definitely improved a lot since I read your first chapter. The only thing I can tell you is to work on the character development a bit more. Other than that, it's a cool story. Keep it going!

[kjjcarpenter]

Chapter V: Chapter IV Part II

Down to the ground Carl’s Vykkers Labs fell. It hit the ground with a load crash as debris flew everywhere. A piece of metal was sent flying due to the engine exploding right into a fuel pump. Then a load explosion was herd.
“My Lab is, is, GONE!” yelled Carl.
“I will find out who it was Carl,” said Molluck calmly.
At that very same time outside some dark scary shadows were creeping around one of Rupture Farm’s many hallways.
“This way,” said one of them quietly.
Unknowing to them the hallways echoed even the slightest noise when they were empty, and Molluck and Carl herd them.
“I think we have the culprits bro,” said Molluck.
The shadows herd them and stood very still. Molluck looked behind him at two sligs.
“Get’em,” said Molluck.
The two sligs them creped up to the shadows and turned on some lights on their guns that their model of sligs had. When the lights turned on it was revealed that there were 5 Mudokons with weapons such as Arrows, Clubs and spears.

Carl walked up to them and said, “You destroyed my LABS!”
Carl then out of rage lifted his hand out and choked one of the Mudokons to death, then knocked another out, then hoped to the side grabbed the gun and fired. All the Mudokons died and Carl laughed out load.

Not long later Carl was back to normal and ready to leave with only one problem…
“I don’t have any transport,” said Carl.
“Take a train to Feco Depot and then switch to the underground Vykkers Labs. That’s were they make them,” said Molluck.

Carl left for Feco Depot, on a train.
He was thinking if the Vykkers would give him a Lab.
“They should, if they don’t I will ring up Margaret, but I need to go see how little 3 baby Triplets Dripik, Phleg and Aslik are going,” said Carl.

Chapter VI: Three Triplets Of HORROR…Coming Soon.
(The next chapter will be delayed until 2 weeks)

[odd chick]

Hmmm...to be honest, that chapter could've been a bit better. It just felt like it was rushed. :/ But it's ok... Anyway, keep the story going...the next chapter sounds like it could be interesting!