oddworld adventures 6

[snoozer]

chapter 1


it was a thundery day as the scrabs ran for cover but one mudokons fate lay beyond the moon that day as the power was revealed

'man it has to rain why can,t it be sunny'
as a terrified mudokon called sean ran with a stone as gunshots could be heared as they got nearer abe tripped up and fell into the river as the stone was being swept away by a rapid force.sean held on as the village was waiting for sean as soon the combranie shrykulls brother would be awaken the stone was the villagers destiny as he got closer there was a flash of blinding light the stone was gone swept under the waves by rapid forces.
sean was a brave mudokon but not the brightest at times.now the raging waterfall was upahead sean had destroyed the fate of his villagers or did he.the stone split in 2 one going opposite directions one into the mudanchee vault and one into the mudomo sean started a perilous jounery through the unknown.

[Kimon]

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you really suck at writing.

Spend more time on your stories, figure out the difference between an apostrophe and a comma, use punctuation, and wait to finish 9th Grade English before you start writing again. Seriously. Your entire first chapter is 2 (real) paragraphs.

All meaness aside, spend more time on these kinds of things. 'K?

[drakan90]

ouch. Thats a little harsh, but yeah the story seems a bit random.
Stone, Shrykulls brother, etc.

...I have to be...somewhere else now...
*dashes off to hide his own fan fic under a large cloth*

[odd chick]

First of all, I want to tell you not to give up. If you practice, then maybe, just MAYBE you'll improve. However, I'm also going to say that I don't think you're ready to post anything on this forum yet. This story virtually had no plot, the grammar/punctuation needs much improvement, and this pretty much needs to be re-written altogether. I couldn't even tell what was going on most of the time. To be honest, I found myself confused while reading this. :/ I'm not trying to be harsh, but I think it needs to be said. What I recommend is for you to type this up on a word processor (Like Wordpad or Microsoft Word, etc.), then re-read what you have typed and look for grammar/punctuation errors as well as expanding the character development and plot. But you may have to fix the bugs in the story many times (I have to do that when I write fanfics.). That way, I think you'd be ready.

[Kimon]

^ ^
Good Advice.

[odd chick]

Thanks. I'm just doing my duty of helping people out.