the little adventures of tig, the mudling

mudling · #1 05-10-2005, 01:36 PM

i know how you guys don't like the millions of not good enough stories but i have diceded to write one more becuase in my other stories my chapters were too long, this time they will be short, please give me advice on my story, thanks.

tig looked around nervously it was his first day in the job, he was a mudokon, the weakest one of his kind, and pretty short too. he walked confidently down the corridor and wondered why the sligs held his hands so tight. he was a child, he was doing a cource to see where he should work. he continued walking along, "why is everyone sad?" is one of the many questions he bugged the sligs to answer. he sat on a high, small, rotting stool, when he entered a cold, shiny room, the walls were padded too. once they had stopped asking questions, tig was lead forward, towards a door saying "re-education with dr shrink" in a red paint. then he suddenly siezed by some mudokons, and they didn't look too happy.

Fuzzleman54321 · #2 05-13-2005, 02:29 PM

That was good Mudling! Please write another chapter!

Kimon · #3 05-13-2005, 02:38 PM

Grammer, grammer, grammer. Capitalization, Punctuation, so on, so forth.

Sorry to be harsh, but why do you say that you know people don't like the bad stories and then write one with horrible grammer, spelling, and punctuation? It doesn't make sense to me.

a flock of seagulls · #4 05-13-2005, 02:40 PM

why do you insist on everyone being a grammer freak?
mabye we type like this because its easier.
and quicker.

Esus · #5 05-13-2005, 03:23 PM

But it's harder to enjoy and appreciate fiction without good spelling and punctuation?

odd chick · #6 05-13-2005, 04:32 PM

Hmmmm......the concept of this story is very good, but it needs to be edited, revised and, pretty much, rewritten altogether. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just trying to help out.

Expand the story out a bit more-try to bring out the mood and tone of the story and give the characters more personality. Overall, the whole idea in general is good, but it needs some work. That's all I'm trying to say.

Kimon · #7 05-13-2005, 04:34 PM

:

But it's harder to enjoy and appreciate fiction without good spelling and punctuation?

Yeah.

Well-written storyline and dialogue are essential to writing a good fan fiction. And it's much easier to understand when you type the right way. That's why I'm a "grammar freak".

mudling · #8 05-14-2005, 04:09 AM

ok, i'll redo this, thanks for the replies. i'm doing short stories for the moment so a chapter is a story, and i'll lengthen it, and fix the grammer. one sotry coming up!

Kimon · #9 05-14-2005, 07:42 AM

:

Ok, I'll redo this, thanks for the replies. I'm doing short stories for the moment, so a chapter is a story, and I'll lengthen it, along with fixing the grammer. One story coming up!

Glad to hear it.

mudling · #10 05-14-2005, 02:00 PM

the dentist

klack stood back, he started to scream, as he lay on a cheap painful plastic bed. his sweat slid down his chin as he opened his mouth to scream.
klack was a small glockon, younger than most gluckons he worked with. his constant comsumation of food and tabbacco had rotted his teeth to litte spikes, and making them as yellow as stingbee's honey. he started to scream, but the padded walls of a vykers clinic wouldn't let any sound at. he wriggled on his bed, but was held bye thick, heavy ropes, that were also sufocating him.
the vyker was not even a proper dentist, just a local nurse at the clinic. but he shared one thing in common with the vyker dentists, he loved pain. he reached out with his long arm, and reveiled some tweezers, then he shone a beam of light into klacks eyes, then suddenly fell back, and dropped everything. klack's eyes were burning, and blurred, and he only just thought of closing them, when the dentist placed the shaded glasses on his head.
"say ahhh!" he said in a voice, that was almost a scream. he then commented, "yes, yes, this tooth has defintly gotta go, it's blocking the other teeth from growing."
he then placed the tweezers into his mouth, and started pulling, without any warning, klack screamed as loud as he could, so loud that the sound went through the walls, and was heard throught the clinic. nurses and docters rushed into the office, and found klack unconsioncess, the sound was still heard, bouncing around the walls when it couldn't go through them. the nurce which had opperated on klack was standing there with a huge front tooth in his tweezers, he then passed it to the itern beside him, and passed klack, a huge, green, glowing lollypop, and then walked away, handing the bill to his farther. the intern started humming and then pushed the trolly away, follwed by the rest of the people who had came here from the office, the anisthetic disgarded on the floor.

odd chick · #11 05-14-2005, 05:52 PM

The content, tone and mood were brought out very well in this chapter. The characters seemed like they had a better personality as well.

However, there are still several obvious grammar/punctuation errors all throughout your story. Just fix those and you're good to go.

mudling · #12 05-21-2005, 03:09 AM

hold your elums, i'll be a minute

spa looked around, the sligs were sitting by a harvaster, it's paint pelling, unsuspecting anything. spa held his breath, as he saw the biggest slig dose off, he couldn't help feel sorry for them. he was pereched high on the cliffs, looking at the nearbie petrol camp below him. this is where the industralists stopped off, to get refuelled, get some food, and sleep.
spa started hitting himself, finaly he persuaded himself to do it, he pulle out his small horn, made out of a scrab jaw bone, and blew. the sligs woke up, a small clakker quickly pressed a button, triggering the alarm. but it was too late, the cliffs began to vibrate, the mudokons started to cheer, and suddenly a loud moan was heard, an elum herd appeared, it was a stampede, and it was heading towards the petrol camp.
spa couldn't help smilling, it was a succsess, or almost, suddenly the ground around him started crumbling, massive bolders began falling onto the outskirts of the camp, each carring several mudokons, spa screamed, and looked around him. he quickly jumped off his now arborne landing, and into mid-air, he cought the edge of the cliff, and hosted himself up, he was lucky. he gathered the remaining mudokon warriors, and started to run into the distance, for loud engine sounds bluttered out the rumbling sound of the area, the industrailists had found them, they had to escape.

a flock of seagulls · #13 05-21-2005, 11:16 AM

heh, i could actually see this turned into a cartoon, and use the 'Lemmiwinks' song from south park when the hamster got shoved up mr. slave's... *whisper*backdoor*/whisper*
except they change the lyrics...
heh...

mudling · #14 05-28-2005, 04:44 PM

thanks, i think. i'll post some more stories, but this place is pretty empty, so if you want, i'll send people a PM when i add a new story, just ask.