ODDWORLD: The Rector Refinery

[Gretin]

Here is my first oddworld fan fiction. The formatting went a bit weird, but it should be easy to read. I'll post Chapter 2 soon, and I'll hopefully have some feedback on this by the time I do.
Enjoy!

ODDWORLD: The Rector Refinery

A Fan Fiction

Chapter 1: Work-related accidents

It was a usual day of work at Rector's Refinery. The mudokons were working, the sligs were slacking off, and the glukkons were arguing. Same old samo.
These were the thoughts that were going through the head of Marn, the mudokon, as he was operation the device that would send the unprocessed metals one at a time into the heat chamber. His job was one of the more boring ones, all he had to do was push the switch to turn on the conveyer belt, wait until a pack of metal had gone, then pull the switch back again to stop the conveyer. Because of this, he quite often would become absent-minded about it, which usually would get him into trouble.
Today was no different, until he heard two sligs talking on the floor above.

"So, you heard about the new metal they're processing here?"

"Yeah, I heard that they've got some new alloy that's really strong and light. Is that what you're talking about?"

"Yep, that's the one. They reckon they might be able to design some new flying machines with it, ones that are faster and stronger than any yet!"

"Yeah, right! You know how most of their plans work out, they don't work at all!"

"Maybe, but I think this one's got a chance because -"
Marn's eavesdropping was suddenly cut short by a slig on the floor below yelling, "Hey! You up there! You gonna send some more metal in or what?"
Hurriedly, Marn pushed the switch over - too far, and too hard, and when he was ready to pull it back he found that it had jammed! He pulled and pulled but all that happened was the handle breaking off. "This is going to mean trouble," he thought. "MARN, YOU INCOMPETENT LITTLE FOOL!" shouted the slig below.
"Here we go again!"
Not long afterwards he was hanging up in the detention room awaiting punishment from Rector. He didn't have to wait long before the door opened and in came Rector, the boss of the refinery, and a slig with burn marks all over him. "Your daydreaming has done quite a bit of damage this time, Marn," said Rector in a calm, matter-of-fact manner. "Yes, sir," Marn replied, guiltily. "I don't pay you to daydream. You should consider yourself lucky you work here, many glukkons don't pay their workers at all!" "Yes, sir," replied Marn again.

"Do you realize how much it is going to cost to repair the damage you've done?"

"No, sir."

"It will cost as much as you earn in five weeks!"

Marn hung his head in shame, "I'm sorry sir."

"You're sorry?" asked Rector, his voice starting to rise, "That's all you have to say?"

"Yes, sir," said Marn, in a weak, whimpery voice.

"Well, it is not enough to make up for the damage you've done," Rector's voice had returned to normal now, "You will be punished with a beating, no food or water for four days, and you will not be receiving any more pay for five weeks, to pay for the repairs. That is all. Groll, you can administer the beating since it was you who was hurt by his carelessness. Good bye, Marn, I have pressing issues to deal with now, so I hope you learn from this little incident."

He left, leaving Marn to the mercy, or lack of mercy, of the slig, Groll.

End of Chapter 1

[The Marching Mudokon]

That's a good story so far, Gretin. Keep up the good work.

[Gretin]

Thanks, The Marching Mudokon, it's my first, so I'm looking for feedback. Anyway, here's the next chapter, I hope it's as good as(or better than) the first.

Chapter 2: Jailbreak

Groll had no misgivings about giving Marn a good beating; he wasn't satisfied until he had left him nearly senseless. Marn was left alone with his pain and his thoughts after that, until he slipped away into unconsciousness...

Then, he had a dream, he was in a mudokon village warming himself by a fire when suddenly he heard a loud roaring sound. He looked up to where it was coming from but all he could see was some black shapes that looked like birds. When they came closer, however, he realized that they weren't birds, but were giant flying machines! Before long they were over the village and something started falling from each one of them. BOOM! It was an explosive! Panic started in the mudokons as more bombs landed, randomly destroying huts, meeps, and mudokons. The aircraft flew over, then turned and came back, this time dropping sligs floating down on top of what looked like giant air-filled cushions. The sligs started catching any mudokons who ran close enough to grab, those who were too far got shot. One mudokon walked right in front of Marn and looked straight at him saying, "You've got to escape, Marn! It's the only way you can save yourself and your people!"

The mudokon then pushed Marn over and he fell to the ground.

Suddenly, Marn was awake. He found that he was not in a village at all, but had just been thrown on the ground in a small prison cell of Rector's Refinery. He could hear the two sligs who had thrown him in there walking away and talking, "He's not going to be going anywhere, you might as well come with me and get a drink!"

Drink! All of a sudden Marn realized how thirsty he was. He looked at the water supply on the wall of the cell - empty. Then he remembered, "No food or water for four days." He got up, "Wow, what a weird dream!" He looked around the cell for a way out, but there was none he could see. The ventilation shaft was in the roof and it was far too small to get inside even if he could get up there and the walls were all solid except the entrance - which was an electric wall, no way was he going to get out through that! He sat on the bench which they apparently expected him to sleep on and sighed, "I guess I'm going to have to starve in here until they let me out!"

How he even got to sleep that night he wasn't sure, but in the middle of the night he was awakened by the door to the prison section opening. "Hey, you, wake up!" He recognized that voice, yet there was something strange about it... "Yeah, boss?" "Where's the prisoner, Marn?" "He's in the cell over there, right where you told us to put him!" "Ok, you may leave now until I tell you to come back." Rector came up to the electric wall, but there was a strange look in his eyes, "Well, Marn, how is your detention going so far?" "What do you care about me?" Marn was surprised at his own boldness. Rector laughed, "Oh, I care a great deal, Marn." Suddenly, Rector started to change shape, his shape soon resembled that of a mudokon! The mudokon collapsed on the ground, "Whew, that's hard work, changing to another shape!"
"Wha- who are you?" asked Marn, feeling totally confused. "That doesn't matter, all that matters is that you have to get OUT of here!" The mudokon got up and walked over to the switch and turned off the electric wall. "Come on!" Marn came after him, then the mudokon held up his hand, "Call to the slig." "You want ME to call the slig?"
"If you want to escape, then yes!" The mudokon started chanting. "Whatever," said Marn, "Hey slig guy! Come in here for a moment!" He heard the sound of the sligs pants as he came running in, then as he came around the corner there was a flash and a blue beam came from the mudokons hands and hit the slig. He fell to the ground and lay still. "Wow!" exclaimed Marn. "That's nothing, he'll come around in about 10 minutes. By then you should be well away from here. Do you remember where there's that area that has been being cleared out and rebuilt?" "Yes, I think so," answered Marn. "Make your way there. You'll find a way to escape once you get there. Good luck!" The mudokon ran out of the room, and Marn was not long after him.

End of Chapter 2

Edit: If anyone's actually reading this, here's the next chapter. I won't be posting the next one until I get a reply, so I won't be wasting my time if no one's interested.

Chapter 3: Jailbreak

Marn had no idea what the time was, but he assumed that it was late at night, as there were hardly any guards in his path and all of them were asleep. He was almost there when he saw a sign above a door, "Refreshments." "I sure could use some of that," he thought, so he cautiously went up to the door and pushed it open. No one was in sight, so he came up to the machine and put what was left of his wages in to get some food and drink. Then he heard a noise from the door on the other side of the room, so he quickly picked up his food and drink and ran out the door. Shortly afterwards, he was at his destination. He pulled the switch that would open the door, and then nearly fell back in shock! This room used to be full of crates and conveyer belts, now it was empty, except for one thing. It was a big aircraft, Marn had never seen anything like it. Or had he? He remembered his dream, those looked exactly like this one. "Well, there's supposed to be a way out here, I guess I'd better look for it!" He started looking around the room, there was a huge door, probably an exit for the aircraft, a ledge up high above the door, and a ladder. "Maybe there's a switch up there for the door," he thought. He climbed up the ladder, but all he found was a slig security voicelock. "Great, now what do I do?" He climbed back down and looked around the aircraft and found a door, which was open! He entered the aircraft and looked around inside. There were the controls up the front and four doors, one on the right, one on the left, one in the back, and the one he had just entered. Suddenly, he heard some sligs talking and coming through the door into the room, "Hey, who left this door open?" "It must have been you, you were the last one in here!" "You saying it's my fault?" "It could have been!" "I don't need you!" Marn heard a the sound of metal hitting a slig's head and then the sound of a slig hitting the ground. The other slig started heading towards the door to the aircraft! Marn quickly ran through the door in the back, which seemed to lead into the cargo hold. There was nothing in there apart from some of what looked like those big cushion things he saw in his dream, except these ones looked all flat and deflated. Then he heard the door opening, so he dropped what was left of the food and drink and dived underneath one of the cushions. The slig came in and threw a pack on the ground, then saw the food and drink. "I wonder who left this here?" the slig wondered aloud. "Oh, well, finders keepers!" the slig laughed, picked them up, and went through the door. Marn waited, then got up, but was knocked to the ground by a huge shaking! He heard a roaring sound, then the aircraft started to move. They were taking off, and Marn was left in the cargo hold!

End of Chapter 3

[Splat]

This is really good! Great plot. Your writing is really good, you've really developed the characters well. Keep it going.

Just work on your punctuation and paragraphing a bit. Take some time, it doesn't have to all happen in a second. Like when Marn first entered the craft, stop for a few seconds to describe what it's like, what it looks like, whats in the room. What the floor and walls look like, their colour, texture, what they're made of. Good description is what really brings the story uot, helps you picture whats going on in your head.

Apart from that, its really great.

[T-nex]

Yeah i like it too...
Although it's kinda irritating with that small text-size. try to use size 3...

[Software Bug]

I realy like it
May you continue

[Gretin]

Thanks, guys (and girl), I should have the next chapter ready by tomorrow some time.

Although it's kinda irritating with that small text-size. try to use size 3...

Yeah, that's partly what I meant when I said the formatting went a bit weird. I type it in WordPad and then copy it, you see, so it doesn't always come out right. I've adjusted it, though, and it seems to be better.

[T-nex]

Well, you can select the text and put it on size 3... depending if you use Quick reply or advanced reply... I'd suggest advanced reply...

[Gretin]

I do use the advanced reply, but my WYSIWYG wasn't working properly. I've adjusted the font now, though, so it should be fine. Anyway, here's the next chapter, C&C (comment and criticism) welcome as usual.

Chapter 4: Caught!

After the craft had left the ground it actually started moving quite smoothly, so Marn was able to stand up again. He remembered seeing the slig drop a pack, so he started looking for it, it might have something useful. It took him a while but he managed to find it at last. It was just a simple bag with two pockets on either side, but it was what was inside that Marn thought could be interesting. He looked in one pocket and found a small book, "A Slig's Guide to Sligginess." "I'm not interested in that!" In the other pocket he found some moolah, "That could be useful if I ever get out of here," he thought. Now for the actual bag, he looked inside, but all he found was a toolkit. "Well, that's not going to help me get out of here, but this flashlight could be helpful." He turned it on and shone it around the room. It was a typical industrial machine, flat plain metal surfaces, dark coloured, as uninviting as the refinery itself. He could see no way he could possibly get out of this room without going past the control room, and the slig at the controls would be a bit surprised, and probably annoyed, to see an uninvited mudokon on board. He started thinking about what had happened, and the immenseness of it suddenly hit him. Everything had happened so quickly he hadn't had time to think, now that he did he was realizing what a big thing he was doing! He had been enslaved for most of his life, so now, being free (not quite free, but escaping) was a completely new experience.

Then he thought of the mudokon who had helped him escape. He remembered him now, he was the one who always amused all the others at break time with his imitations of sligs and glukkons voices. Once, he even got a slig in trouble because the slig came and told them to get back to work and the mudokon said in Rector's voice, "Leave them alone, they can have the rest of the day off!" Needless to say, once Rector found out about the slig giving them the day off, he was furious and had the slig removed from the refinery. That was one of the few times Marn had actually seen Rector angry, most of the time he was calm and appeared to be kindhearted! Marn's thoughts were interrupted by a noise coming from the door, it sounded like a glukkon's voice, but he was sure there were none on the craft.

He moved closer to the door and heard it, "The latest info we have on his whereabouts is a clue from a slig in the refreshments booth who saw him running out when he woke up. The closest exit was the aircraft hangar, so we suggest you check out the aircraft, as a thorough search of the refinery has revealed no hint as to where he is." The door suddenly swung open and knocked Marn to the ground! There was the slig pilot standing in the doorway, with a gun aimed straight at Marn head.

"I've got you now," the slig gloated, "I thought it was strange that there was food left in here!" He went to his pack, while still keeping his gun and eyes on Marn, and removed the tool kit which Marn had put back in there. He opened it and got out a rope, which he then used to tie Marn to the door. "You're lucky they want you back alive or you'd be dead by now," said the slig. Then the slig turned to go back to the controls and jumped in surprise! The aircraft was heading straight for a cliff face, and it looked like the slig would be too late to stop it!

End of Chapter 4

EDIT:I'll be posting the next chapter when I get a reply.

[Splat]

A cliff hangar to be sure! This is really good, you're writing is certainly improving as you go. Keep it up.

[T-nex]

Hey, please continue this story. I really like it

[Gretin]

Thanks, peoples, I think I just need to work on slowing it down a bit, I think I rush some things. Anyway, here's the next chapter:

Chapter 5: Free

Marn stood where he was tied, frozen in horror, but the slig quickly recovered his wits and raced to the controls. He yanked on the control stick and sent the craft flying almost vertical, but he was too late. The front of the craft crashed through the top of the cliff, smashing everything in the front of it (including the slig). Then it just sat there, with the front stuck in the cliff. Marn finally recovered from his shock and started trying to untie himself, which didn't take long as the slig had been slack, as usual. He looked at the remains of the slig, which had been thrown right to the back of the craft, it wasn't a pleasant sight! He did have that gun, though, which could be useful if he ever figured out how to get down from here. Marn walked to the slig and took his gun, but then the craft started swaying! "I must have put it off balance!" thought Marn, alarmed. He ran to the door again, but the craft kept swaying anyway. It started slipping out of where it had stuck, then started falling, throwing Marn to the back wall. The cushion things fell that way too, and one landed right in Marn's face. Then he remembered his dream, maybe he could use these to get out! He picked one up and turned it over until he found that it had a small nozzle to be inflated with. He had an idea, and grabbed for the toolkit, which had also fallen there. He opened it up and soon found what he was looking for, a pump! The cushion was soon pumped up so it looked exactly like the ones in his dream. It had two handles on one side, he supposed they were for holding on to on the way down. "Well, I guess it's now or never," he thought, and started making his way to the door, which wasn't easy with the way the craft was shaking around and falling. He finally managed to get to the door and open it, and immediately a blast of cold air shot into his face. He looked around, the aircraft had nearly reached the ground. "Well, here goes nothing!" he said aloud, and jumped out holding on to the cushion and shutting his eyes tight in fear. When he opened them he saw the craft hit the ground and go up in a huge ball of flame. "Wow, that was close!" He floated easily down to the ground and jumped off the cushion. Down here there was forestry on all sides except where the cliff was. It was lucky the craft had landed where it did, or it would have lit the trees on fire! He looked around, but he couldn't see anything else, so he decided he might as well sleep here for the night. He moved behind some rocks that had fallen down when the craft crashed and used his cushion as a bed. It wasn't long before he was asleep, as he was exhausted after his efforts at escaping.

In the morning he was awakened by voices, but they didn't sound like the industrials' voices he was accustomed to, they sounded more like mudokons' voices.

He was curious, but something inside him told him to be cautious too. He slowly moved around the rock to look, and sure enough, there were two mudokons there, free mudokons, judging by their feathers and body art.

"Are you sure this is the right place?"

"Of course! The chief is always right about these things!"

"I guess so, but - hey, what's that sound?"

They both turned towards where Marn was hiding, holding their spoocebows up and ready.

"Come out, whoever you are!"

End of Chapter 5

[Splat]

Gah! Natives! Friend or foe though? You've got me hooked, keep going!

[Gretin]

Thanks for the support, I'm just posting to let you know I'm not going to quit this story. I've just been quite busy with other stuff lately, but I should be able to get it up this weekend.

[T-nex]

Cool! I Can't wait... it was about time you let us know...

[Gretin]

Ok, here, at last, is the next chapter. It might not be as good as some of the previous chapters because I only revised it once, because I wanted to get it on here before the weekend was over, seeing how I promised an update during the weekend. So, without further ado, chapter 6:

Chapter 6: The Journey

Marn slowly stepped out from behind the rock, and instinctively put his hands up in the air. The two mudokons looked almost identical, except one of them had three red feathers as well as the blue ones the other one had. The blue feathered one's expression softened when he say Marn step out, and he lowered his spoocebow, but the other one kept his aimed at Marn. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm - my name is Marn," replied Marn. "Where do you come from?" "I - I came from Rector's Refinery!" "Then how did you get here?" "I escaped!" "How?" "I - well, I got out on a flying machine, then I had to jump out." "And how did you survive the fall?" "They had some sort of floating thing that I used to float down." "May we see it?" "Well - why, sure, of course!" Marn started moving to where he had slept and the two mudokons followed him. They saw the cushion, but they also saw something else. The blue feathered one quickly raised his bow and fired at the gun Marn had taken from the slig, which he had left on the ground beside the cushion. "What were you doing with one of those?" he asked.

"You're coming with us," the one with red feathers ordered, before Marn could answer. The blue one led the way, and the red one prodded Marn to go ahead of him. As they walked through the forest, Marn tried to ask them questions about where they were taking him but neither of them said a word. Eventually, he gave up and started looking around as they walked. He saw that the clearing the craft had crashed was only one of many, and, strangely, each clearing look exactly alike. Marn wondered if they were just going round in circles, but then they came to a clearing which was different: it had a cliff like the one he had left, only this one had a huge rift down the middle, leading into a valley. They came up to the rift and then Marn stopped in surprise at what he saw! A steep slope led down the valley to a huge village, but it was nothing like what he had known before he was enslaved. This village had dirt paths through it, and tall wooden walls and towers. The village itself seemed far more organized than the average mudokon village, with huts strategically placed, rather than randomly scattered throughout the village. The mudokon behind Marn prodded him on again, but he still had a sense of wonder as he came up to the walls. "Identify yourselves!" called a voice from one of the towers. "It's us, Ramnes and Scorp, and we have a prisoner!" "Okay, we're opening the gates!" called the voice again. Marn heard the sound of chanting, then the wall in front of them between the two towers started to split in the middle! The two halves swung open like a gate, and the mudokons took Marn through the gap into the village. The walls then started to swing back and closed again, and the chanting stopped. A mudokon came rushing up, this one had no body art, but he had a few gray feathers. "The chief's expecting you. He's waiting, so you'd better come!" "Okay, we're coming," replied the mudokon with the blue feathers, Ramnes. They went through the village and Marn saw some strange things he had never seen before, he saw a mudokon who was sitting with his legs crossed, meditating, but floating above his head was some sort of staff! It was just floating there with nothing holding it! Then he saw a group of mudokons with spoocebows, who were firing at rocks on the ground, smashing them again and again until they were just tiny pebbles. He also saw many mudokons in fields of spooce, gathering it into boxes and carrying the boxes into huts. The one thing that struck Marn was that everyone seemed to be doing something, no one was idle. They came to a large building that seemed like a huge triangle from the front. It was made completely of stone, at least on the outside, and he could see many small slits, obviously windows, throughout the building, some with torchlight showing through them. They went through the doorway, through the reeds which were hanging down from the top of the doorway as a sort of curtain. The inside of this building was even more impressive than the outside, with pillars reaching to the roof, which was extremely high, and there were huge statues of mudokons, scrabs, and paramites throughout the room. There was a mat on the ground, leading to another doorway with a reed curtain, and this seemed to be where the mudokons were heading Marn. On either side of the mat were mudokons who were doing a variety of things: meditating, lighting torches, even fighting! The fighting ones were using staffs like the one that was floating about the other mudokon's head, except these ones seemed to be faintly glowing with a blue tint. The mudokons weren't actually hitting each other, because every time one made a strike, the other would block it with his own staff. They were incredibly fast, though, most of the time Marn couldn't keep track of who was hitting and who was blocking. They went through the next doorway and came into a far smaller room, made in the shape of a perfect circle. On the ground were blue painted rings, each getting smaller than the last until there was a circle right in the middle of the room. A mudokon was sitting on this circle, a mudokon with body painting and very many feathers of all different colours. The mudokon stood up when they entered and welcomed them, "Welcome, I have been waiting for you! And, you too!" he said, looking at Marn. "Scorp, come with me, we need to discuss something important. Ramnes, you can stay here with your prisoner. Marn, you will stay here, and I will talk to you when I am finished."

Marn looked up in surprise, and was about to ask how he knew his name, but the mudokon and Scorp had already left.

End of Chapter 6

[Splat]

Wow, that was brilliant! Your despcription of the village and the building is great! You did a great job of creating atmosphere. Though you need to work on your paragraphing a bit. A part from that, brilliant! Keep it up, you're getting better every post!

[cherie]

i'm really likeing this story. can't wait to see what happens next

[Gretin]

Ok, it's been a while, but here it is at last, chapter 7. I'll try and get a chapter up every week from now on.

Chapter 7: Explanations

It wasn't long after that the two mudokons came back into the circular room. "You have two days," the mudokon who had been sitting in the circle earlier was saying, "after that you must return here, things will be in motion by that time that will need your help." "I will be back by then," replied Scorp, "I will leave right now, with your permission." "You have it," said the mudokon, and with that, Scorp left.

"Now, it's your turn, Marn. Come with me." Marn followed him through the doorway into a small plain room, empty, except for two wooden chairs. "Have a seat," the mudokon offered. Marn sat down and immediately asked, "How do you know my name?" "You're not ready for the answer yet, Marn, I will give you the answer when you are." Marn was a bit surprised by this reply, but then asked, "Who are you?" "Very few mudokons know my name," the mudokon replied, "but you may call me the chief, or just Chief, as most of the others around here do. Now, enough of your questions, I have questions to ask you!" "Well, what do you want to ask me?" asked Marn. "To start with, I know a great deal about you, where you are from, what position you held there, who helped you to escape, but there are still some things that are not clear. So, first of all, what gave you the idea of escaping? I'm sure it wasn't just Sefon helping that did that." "Sefon? Who's he?" "He is the mudokon who helped you! Now, answer the question!" "Oh, right!" Marn then described his dream, and told him about how he had awakened in his cell and stayed there until the mudokon, Sefon, helped him out.
"Hmmm.... that is interesting. This sort of thing hasn't happened to any of the others so far... " said Chief, looking thoughtful. "Others?" asked Marn. "You are not the only one who needed to escape, Marn," replied Chief, rising from his chair "you probably don't realize this, but those aircraft have the potential to become truly devastating machines, they could end everything free mudokons hold dear! EVERYTHING!"
He sat down again, silent, and Marn could see he was struggling with himself to stay calm.

"I'll describe the situation to you, Marn, so you'd better listen carefully. You have seen the sort of things that are happening in this village, the mudokons are organized, they are working, and they are learning to move efficiently and gracefully, without the clumsiness often attributed to the mudokon race. It has taken us very many years to acheive this, and now there are six other villages that are accomplishing the same, only at different levels. This is what the mudokon race should be doing, not slaving under greedy industrials!"

"The seven villages, including this one, are all hidden away in places that are extremely unlikely to have industrial interest. But, with the invention of these crafts, the industrials will now have the power to explore everywhere that mudokons have colonized! Just think, if every industrial facility has a fleet of those crafts like what you saw, imagine how much area would be covered by them."

"Our mudokon village now has quite a powerful army, but against what you saw in your dream, there is no chance of winning. Our only hope is to get rid of these craft before they are mass produced. To do that, we need mudokons from the refinery where the crafts are being built. Each of the seven villages picked two workers from the refinery, only three of those picked have not escaped yet. That is where the mudokon you saw before, Scorp, has gone, he's going to help them get out, and he's going to bring Sefon back from the refinery, too."

"Once they return, which should be within two days, we will be setting out for a meeting place with all six of the other villages. After that, we head for the Rector Refinery. I'll tell you your part to play when it is time for you to do it, but for today you may explore the village. There are a great many surprises for ones like you who have been enslaved for most of your lives. You are free to go wherever you please in the village, but you should return to this building by nightfall so you can be shown where you will spend the night."

"Now, I must go, there is much work to be done! Goodbye, for now."

He left, and Marn just sat there for a while, letting everything he'd been told sink in. Finally, he got up and went out of the room.

End of Chapter 7

[T-nex]

Wow, i liked this chapter. It cleared some things up, but not everything, and i don't think there is need for that..: yet.. Keep it up

[Kimon]

It's a good story, but I have a few gripes. Sure you can identify with the character, but I don't think the races are portrayed as they should be. A prime example is in the first chapter when a slig says "Marn, you incompetent fool!" Now what kind of slig would
A) know the name of one of the slaves, and
B) know what incompetent means.

I think it would be more fitting to have a slig saying something like "You dumbass!" or "What a retard!" or something. But that is just my 'constructive criticism.

Other than that, I think it's a really cool story, so keep up the good work!

[T-nex]

Well, point A sounds pretty fair, thogh i don't point B... Why shouldn't they be able to understand what incompetent means?

[Kimon]

Because sligs are stupid. In all the games and movies, their intellegence limits them to mono- and bi-syllabic words. Incompetent has 4 syllables. And it sounds more like a slig to say 'dumbass' than 'incompetent fool' in my opinion.

[T-nex]

And how can you know that they are all stupid??? MAybe this one has studied much more than the others..

[Kimon]

And how can you know that they are all stupid??? MAybe this one has studied much more than the others..

Sligs are a stupid species.

Would you expect a parrot to fly up to a person and start a conversation?
No, because a parrot does not have the IQ. That is a rather extreme example of what I'm trying to prove.

And if there was a smart slig, he would probably not be a lowly guard, he'd have a higher status than that.

But that's just my opinion. I still like the story.

[Gretin]

Thanks for the comments, I just want to say that for point A, in a normal industrial facility mudokon slaves wouldn't be paid, either, but this isn't a normal facility. Also, Abe was known by name, e.g. quotes from Abe's Exoddus: "I can't believe it, it's that Abe guy!" (flying slig), "Hey! That bastard Abe's here!" (glukkon). And, yes, I know Abe was made famous, so to speak, by what he did at Rupture Farms, but still...
I think your point is still valid, though, because it's unlikely that a normal slig guard would know the name of a lowly mudokon slave!
Anyway, for point B, maybe "incompetent" is too advanced for a slig, but they have come close to four syllables, with words like "promotion," but what you said is true, I'm trying to watch out for that with the mudokons, too, I don't want to make them sound too advanced. So both of your points are sort of half valid, half invalid. I do appreciate the constructive criticism, though, so if you see anything else like that or plot holes, etc, feel free to point them out!
By the way, that thing you said about parrots, there was actually a budgie who "manned" a pub in the early 1950's here in New Zealand. It was in a NZ book, "Smarter than Jack," which was made up of true stories of smart animals. It's quite a good read, but I don't know whether it's published outside of NZ and Australia.

[Kimon]

Well I'm glad you didn't take my criticism the wrong way.
As for the parrot thing, that's cool. I actually just watched a video on ebaumsworld.com that had a parrot that could respond to certain commands with a few lines of speech that sounded pretty cool. You should check it out.

[Splat]

I just found point B funny! Another great chapter Gretin! It's getting tense now!

Don't you hate it when you're "chosen" to do something life threatening when you'd rather be sitting in a nice, comfy prison cell, surrounded by all our wonderful, trigger happy friends... It seems to be a pattern in the history of the mudokon race... *sigh*

[Gretin]

Yeah, I guess everyone seems to like pulling mudokons out of their happy lives of slavery!
Anyway, I'm going to stick to my plan of a chapter a week, as I'm quite busy with a few other projects, and I've also got something else called; "Real Life!"
That gives me plenty of time to write the next chapter and revise it before I post it.

I actually just watched a video on ebaumsworld.com that had a parrot that could respond to certain commands with a few lines of speech that sounded pretty cool. You should check it out.

I think I will check it out, if I ever get around to it! You'd be surprised by how many downloads I have in my list that are either waiting to be downloaded or are half-way through downloading and had to be paused. The trouble is, most of the time when I remember I want to download something, I'm browsing the internet, so if I start a download it slows down my internet. Very muchly

[Splat]

Where are you Gretin? this was just getting good!