The Night Before Chanukah

Abeguy · #1 12-07-2004, 03:54 PM

Hee Hee

It's the night before Chaukah

don't know about you guys

But I have something really funny

HAPPY CHANUKAH

'Twas the night before Hanukkah
and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching
Soch ah disgrace!

The Kinderlach, sleeping,
uneasily felt
The chocolate rush
from the Hanukkah gelt

And me in the easyboy,
so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic
which held up my gatchkes.

When up on the roof
(and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alte kakker
was making a kvitsch.

I jumped up real quick
and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet,
or only a schnorrer?

He wasn't alone;
he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name
as he gave a gebrach:

"On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham;
My kidneys are kvelling;
do you give a damn?"

He had a white beard
and payyes to boot,
And to keep out the cold,
he had such a nice suit!

A second from Peerless,
I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay,
and so were the pants.

He was triple XL,
a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out,
"Meshuggener! Get off from Mein roof!"

He jumped down and said
as he shook hands with me,
"Max Klaus is the name.
You have maybe some tea?"

So I gave him a gleisel,
while he shook his white mop,
Mutt'ring, "Always the same thing,
They're dreying my kopp!"
From Vancouver to Glacer Bay,
Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world
hakks meir a cheinik!

They're screaming for presents,
and challah with schmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone,
the back pain, gevaltz!"
So we sat and yentehed,
and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money,
and one of my kanidels)

He said, "Business is not bad,
a living I make,
But I'm getting too old
for this Hanukkah fake;
And the cell phones, you see
how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I'd quit,
and move to Palm Springs?"

And he gave a geshrei

as he fled mit a lacht,
"Gut Yontiff to All,
Vey is Mir, Such a Nacht!"~Author Unknown~

Jew.

Disgruntled Intern · #2 12-07-2004, 05:07 PM

You forgot the god damned 'C'. Why does everyone forget the silent letters of the world?

Oh, and please don't ever post any HTML bullshit like this again until you actually understand how the code actually works. The mess you pass off as amusing does nothing more than sully the good jewish name.

Thanks.

TheRaisin · #3 12-07-2004, 09:34 PM

Hilarious.

Oddude_ · #4 12-07-2004, 09:40 PM

WHAT???!!!
Do you celebrate it too? I tought that this holiday is only at Israel.

TheRaisin · #5 12-07-2004, 09:44 PM

Roll. On. Floor. Laughing. Do I.

Spoken like a true "never watched American network TV around the holidays" person.

Oddude_ · #6 12-07-2004, 09:50 PM

Don't blame me, they don't really show these things here.

TheRaisin · #7 12-07-2004, 09:52 PM

I know, it was a joke.

If I believe what the media of the U.S. tell me, Chanukah (don't care about the spelling, I'm not a freaking linguist here, bajeebus) is like gonna take Christmas down someday. Well not really. It's pretty huge and widely celebrated. . . I guess. Somewhere in the U.S. I personally have never met a single Jew, so I dunno.

Oddude_ · #8 12-07-2004, 09:59 PM

You're goin' to fast.
First of all, I AM NOT A JEW!
I just live here, and everybody around are Jews, not me.
Even my neighbours which are stupid morons, are Jews.

Sorry. Now, what did you wanted?
(Easy English please, as I said, I live in a Jew neighbourhood and I use to speak Hebrew)

odd chick · #9 12-07-2004, 10:00 PM

I don't know nor have ever met any Jews either (I live in Virginia for crying out loud!!). And I thought that was pretty funny too. And Oddude, try living in a town where almost EVERYONE YOU SEE is a complete moron

TheRaisin · #10 12-07-2004, 10:02 PM

Jews are very common here in America, and Chanukah is celebrated a lot. But only in some places. I've never met a Jew in my life, so it's not the whole country obviously.

Oddude_ · #11 12-07-2004, 10:08 PM

Abeguy, do you know what "shmendrik" means in Hebrew?!

If you don't, it means "fat guy".

:

And Oddude, try living in a town where almost EVERYONE YOU SEE is a complete moron

I'm already used to it, I live here about 9 years.

P.S: I don't live in a town, I live in a village.

odd chick · #12 12-07-2004, 10:17 PM

I think it would be rather interesting to live in a village. I'd rather live in a village than this stupid hick town I live in. Oh, I hope I can make it to California once I graduate college to become an animator!! *dreams about her life in the future*

Oddude_ · #13 12-07-2004, 10:22 PM

You're right, it's a lot better to live in a village.

Try to guess how small the village that I live in, if the size of whole Israel is at the same size like a small town in Russia.

Look at a map, near Egypt.

***Nate*** · #14 12-08-2004, 01:08 PM

Where do you live Oddude_? Test my knowledge of Israeli geography.

And yes, Jews around the world do celebrate Chanukah, except its only in the US (as far as I know) where it has become some sort of replacement for Christmas (ie presents, Chanukah bush, Christmukah ,etc).

I lit two oil lights last night, dinner was latkes and last sunday I span a dreidel and ate a donut. If that's not proof that I celebrate Chanukah, I don't know what is.

Rich · #15 12-08-2004, 01:20 PM

:

I lit two oil lights last night, dinner was latkes and last sunday I span a dreidel and ate a donut. If that's not proof that I celebrate Chanukah, I don't know what is

Do you celebrate Christmas or do you stay faithful to your religion? (considering where you live)

***Nate*** · #16 12-08-2004, 01:44 PM

Every year I celebrate the birth of the god of some other religion. Generally the best way to do it is with a pork dinner, followed by a reading from Mein Kampf.

TheRaisin · #17 12-08-2004, 02:19 PM

What is the source of the ubiquitous hatred of Jews? Is there any real reason behind it?

***Nate*** · #18 12-08-2004, 05:33 PM

Wow. Ubiquitous. I've actually met one or two people who aren't anti-Semitic in my life.

Just to be clear; that was a joke.

Okay, deep and complex analysis coming up based on a class I took years ago:

There are three types of anti-Semitism: hatred of the land, the religion and of the people.

Hatred of the land is the simplest to understand. Some Muslims object to Jews laying claim to Israel, which is land that they see as theirs. This has only started happening in the last ~120 years, when Nationalistic Zionism started growing. Before that, Jews in Muslim countries were the most accepted in the world.

Hatred of the religion comes from other religions; primarily Christianity. There are two main perspectives on this:
a) Jews were supposedly Christ-killers and in one of the gospels the Jews were quoted as saying that Jesus' death would be on them and their children forever. Convenient if the gospel-writer was trying to promote Christianity to the Romans and lay the blame off Pontius Pilate. In any case, the Vatican put out a ruling that Jews today cannot be blamed for any actions that Jews in the past may or may not have taken.
b) Objection to the fact that Jews stubbornly refused to convert to Christianity.

Both of these have thankfully reduced in the last century or so, however they still sometimes pop up. The growth of the oxymoronic 'Jews for Jesus' is a sign of the second, especially as those groups are often run by non-Jews.

Hatred of the people is a lot more difficult to analyse. In many cases this is still a hang-on from the middle ages where in some cases Jews were a handy scapegoat for a ruler to blame or incite violence against. Note that in Christian Europe Jews were pretty much the only minority group. If you want specific examples I'll have to go home and look through my old books of notes.

Leading on from that, the stereotype of Jews being stingy or rich runs back to the first half of the last millennium when the Church decided that no Christian could become a moneylender because the Old Testament declares that no-one may charge interest to his brother. Jews therefore had no problem with lending money unless the borrower was another Jew so some became successful usurers. William the Conqueror actually brought Jews with him from France to help fund his new Britain. Because of this, Jews got an unpopular association with money.

In any case, the last two types of anti-Semitism have mainly shrunk in the last fifty years. The rise of anti-Semitism in Europe has mainly grown from either Extremist Muslims living there now or left-wingers thinking they are doing the Palestinian cause a favour by denigrating Jews.

There's a pile of stuff I've left out but I think that's pretty good for a ten-minute précis.

Oddude_ · #19 12-08-2004, 09:58 PM

:

Where do you live Oddude_? Test my knowledge of Israeli geography.

And yes, Jews around the world do celebrate Chanukah, except its only in the US (as far as I know) where it has become some sort of replacement for Christmas (ie presents, Chanukah bush, Christmukah ,etc).

I lit two oil lights last night, dinner was latkes and last sunday I span a dreidel and ate a donut. If that's not proof that I celebrate Chanukah, I don't know what is.

It is a proof that you celebrate Chanukah.
Chanukah is not a replacement for Christmas, for example: me, I celebrate Chanukah & Christmas.

odd chick · #20 12-08-2004, 10:12 PM

I only celebrate Christmas. Not many people celebrate Chanukah where I live, but people still celebrate it in the U.S. though. Lots of people say that Chanukah is a replacement for Christmas, but it is celebrated about as much as Christmas.

***Nate*** · #21 12-09-2004, 12:52 PM

But Oddude_ if you're not Jewish why do you celebrate Chanukah? Or is it just like Jews celebrating Christmas in the US?

Abeguy · #22 12-09-2004, 01:46 PM

:

You forgot the god damned 'C'. Why does everyone forget the silent letters of the world?

Oh, and please don't ever post any HTML bullshit like this again until you actually understand how the code actually works. The mess you pass off as amusing does nothing more than sully the good jewish name.

Thanks.

About the "C", I didn't write it

copied it exactly from one of my e-mails

sorry

I've actulley have written some Chanukah Carols for the heck of it, they're o.k
I'll make a thread of it

Oddude_ · #23 12-09-2004, 09:21 PM

:

But Oddude_ if you're not Jewish why do you celebrate Chanukah? Or is it just like Jews celebrating Christmas in the U?

I dunno, it's kinda fun.

***Nate*** · #24 12-12-2004, 02:29 PM

Sorry, that last word in my last post should have been 'US', not just 'U'.

I just find it funny that non-Jews are celebrating Jewish holidays. Its just so counter-intuitive (at least to me).

I went to the biannual 'Jews on Grass' last night for the Chanukah fete. Damn good fireworks, thank to Joe Gutnick winning his shonky legal battle.

ps Oddude, where do you live? I'm curious.