Summer Movie Extavaganza! Huzzah.

[SeaRex]

Well, it's that magical time of year again. The time of year when Hollywood spares no expense to saturate the market with high budget action films and comedic abortions (White Chicks... the single worst movie concept I've heard in quite a while) to keep a swarm of bored Americans content. Yes, that's right, it's summer movie time in America and we're already knee-deep in atrocious films.

But enough about that. I've got my review on Spider Man 2.

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SPOILERS!!! BIG, MOTHER F*CKING SPOILERS!!! You have been warned.

There comes a time in every man's life when he asks himself "Hey! All those rave reviews can't be right... can they?". Well, if you haven't figured it out already, the answer is "No. SeaRex, they just can't." Perhaps that's why I'm so let down by Spider Man 2. Everyone creamed their pants over this movie and it really... sucked. Hard. Like "vacuuming-semen-from-the-penis" hard. Yes, it was that bad. And let's not even bring up the fact that the first movie was actually decent. That's just rubbing salt in the wound. Besides, who's ever heard of a crappy sequel... right?

Anywho, let me get into the story here, although it brings me great pain to do so. Mild-mannered (God, I hate that adjective) Peter Parker [Toby Maguire] is at it again. That child is always swinging around in his silly little tights. Not surprisingly, this poor guy is having an identity crisis (Gasp! surely it has nothing to do with the tights!). Well, it actually has less to do with tight, form-fitting outfits and more to do with his blatantly uninteresting love interest, Mary Jane [Kirston Dunst] who we met in the first movie. Oh no! Mary's getting married for some reason?! TO SOMEONE ELSE?! Whatever shall Peter do now? Wah! Just cry about it. A Simple Plan concert could squeeze more emotion out of me than this... simply tragic awkwardness between the two characters. The dialogue doesn't help much, either. It's rigid, banal, and above all... desperate. The writers obviously spent so much time thinking up cheesey, YET SUPER HEROIC (!), one-liners to smooth out the rough edges in the script. Hell, the grandmother/aunt/old know-it-all dust bag (who was such an astonishing character that I can't even recall the actress who played her) spoke exclusively in a heap of stupid "inspirational" garbage stringed together to form something resembling speech. If you've seen the movie, I'm sure you remember the "moving out" scene with Peter and Granny. Case closed.

Following suit with the shite dialogue are cliche comic book movie story elements. Revenge (GASP!), a character coming to terms with his powers (WOW!), and an OBVIOUS SET UP FOR ANOTHER DAMN SEQUEL are liberally peppered throughout the hackneyed, and therefore painfully predictable, plot. Oh, and special effects. Whoop whoop. Etc. The action scenes were passable as far and in between they were. Spider Man's costume actually rips this time. Technology! Whee!

The "extras" aren't even worth bringing up. Yes, stick up for Spider Man, you cliche American stereotypes. And then Doc Ock kicked all of your asses. Surprise. Oh, and speaking of good ole' Doctor Octopus...

If this movie has one redeeming feature, it's Doctor Otto Octavius/Ock [skillfully played by Alfred-Too-Talented-For-This-Mound-Of-Shit-Molina], whose character was deliciously psychotic and multi-layered... and no, I'm not kidding. When Dr. Octavius's Oscorp-funded experiment goes awry, his four armed tools become grafted to his spine. But if you don't know who Doc Ock is already, then why should I bother? Hell, I've never read a SM comic in my life and I knew who he was. Anyway, the truly ingenious nature of his character is that he is really two characters: Doc Ock and his robotic arms, which act as a sort of "bad influence/conscience." Cool, huh? As the movie progresses with Ock's insanity, it becomes harder to tell the two apart... but they eventually become separate again in the Doc's final moments. And in all honesty, once Doc died I had no desire to watch the rest of the movie, although I did stay. All that was standing in my way was a row of devoted movie goers/fan boys... and well, there you go.

Bottom line: I wanted to like this movie. I really did. However, I can't recommend it to anyone above the IQ of a 12 year-old boy or a zealous Spider Man fan. Wait... is there a differnce? Anywho, if you must see it, see it for Doc Ock. He's got my vote for best villain of the year.

Oh, and by the way... Harry finds the Green Goblin outfit and MJ leaves her marriage to run back to Peter. Suck a cunt.

I give it a -2 (yes, negative) out of 5 with a side of Octopus. Happy movie going, America.

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So... what movies are you looking forward to seeing?

I'm going to see Michael Moore's next propagan... erm... "insightful documentary" on monday. I can't wait, but at the same time I really wonder if that guy needs anymore money.

Don't feel shy, wise non-Americans. Please share with us films that might not make it to our fair continent.

[nads]

Like "vacuuming-semen-from-the-penis"

I don't know what your penis does, but mine isn't a vacuum.



Oh, and a side note: can I use the Black quote?

[SeaRex]

I was referring to how much the movie sucked... not the functions of my penis.

And yes. I didn't even come up with the quote, so be my guest.

[Dipstikk]

In all honesty, I sorta...kinda...liked it. But like you said, Doc. Ock was the best. What caught my eye was the design for his arms. More elaborite than the classic metal cords (the "classic" was so lame, in my 'pinion, and I was happy to see them changed).
Anyway, even if I did like the movie, it was fun to read your point of view. And it was funny. I like to read things dripping with sarcasm. Great job, Seaman rex.

[TheRaisin]

Well I haven't yet seen Spiderman 2, so I didn't read the majority of that post, but I must point out that not all summer movies are bad. You see a lot of bad summer movies because there's a very large volume of movies released in the summer. The bad ones are somewhat dominant, but there a still a few diamonds buried under all that rubble.

White Chicks... I thank whatever divine force helped me convince my friends, at the last minute, to see The Chronicles of Riddick instead of that. I mean, Riddick wasn't the best sci-fi by any account, but it sure as hell beats White Chicks.

[Majic]

Doc Ock is hands down one of the coolest villains ever. The movie itself was pretty predictable and cheesy.The acting was pretty good, in my opinion, but the dialouge was just so... flat. If only all storyline except for Doc Ock was cut out, the movie would be ungodly cool.

Let's see... upcoming movies. Bourne Supremacy. Identitiy was pretty good in my books, better than I expected it to be. As long as the sequal doesn't go all out action cheesiness, I'm happy. And... gosh, I forgot the name. But that Nicholas Cage movie coming out. He's always pretty dependable. I watched Matchstick Men on PPV recently, and it was a good change of pace from the typical action/sci fi that comes out all too often. The good thing is that it didn't try to be overly funny. Much like the upcoming movie of his.

And, just as a sidenote, I might see that "Skipping Christmas" or whatever coming up. Don't remember if that was the actual title. But it's based on that book. Tim Allen and Dan Akroyd, two good actors if nothing else.

[oddguy]

I saw Spider Man 2...and thought it was pretty good. I expected it to be better, but I still enjoyed it.

Pros: Most superhero movies have the heroes living the high life in their own lair and easily able to balance their alter-egos. This movie shows that being a super hero doesn't make things easier and you have to make sacrifices.

Doc Oc was awesome.

The train scene where everybody helped Spider Man was very touching.

Cons: Ummmm, how many times did we see Spidey fall very high from the sky and plant himself into concrete? Like...3. I think we got the idea he was going through a crisis after the first two...mmmkay! I dunno why, but that just killed me.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Oh...and I know Aunt May's ranting was cheesy, but that's how old people are sometimes. Cheesy.

-oddguy

[SeaRex]

Ummmm, how many times did we see Spidey fall very high from the sky plant himself into concrete? Like...3.

Those were some of the only scenes that provoked laughter from me. You have to admit... they were pretty damn funny.

Other scenes that made me giggle (SPOILERS):

• Train scene. New York stereotypes predictably "stand up" to Doc Ock so they can protect Spidey. New Yorkers: "Oh yeah? Well if you want him blah blah blah go through me first!" Doc : "Fine." SMACK! Oh, how I laughed. I was on the verge of applauding, but then I realized that no one else in the theater found Doc smashing up a bunch of pedestrians funny. So I didn't.
• MJ: "Peter... I've always been in your doorway!" Umm... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!
• Hospital tentacle massacre scene. Near perfect, except for the fact that the asian chick somehow managed peel a metal floor with her fingertips when she was being dragged to her death. Feh...

On a completely unrelated note, I just got finished watching "The Triplets of Belleville." Not exactly a summer movie, but pretty good none the less. Nice exaggerated art style.

[oddguy]

Those were some of the only scenes that provoked laughter from me. You have to admit... they were pretty damn funny.

Other scenes that made me giggle (SPOILERS):

• Train scene. New York stereotypes predictably "stand up" to Doc Ock so they can protect Spidey. New Yorkers: "Oh yeah? Well if you want him blah blah blah go through me first!" Doc : "Fine." SMACK! Oh, how I laughed. I was on the verge of applauding, but then I realized that no one else in the theater found Doc smashing up a bunch of pedestrians funny. So I didn't.

Oh...I laughed so hard at that part. It was hillarious.

• Hospital tentacle massacre scene. Near perfect, except for the fact that the asian chick somehow managed to peel a metal floor with her fingertips when she was being dragged to her death. Feh...

Yeah...that was another one that made me laugh.

Oh...Spider man is holding onto this huge piece of a wall to protect MJ...and he's like, "Ummmm...this is really heavy." I laughed so hard. I laughed even further when MJ didn't even move out of the way so he could drop the wall!

-oddguy

[Sekto Springs]

I thought it was funny to see Toby make all those funny faces when he was wincing and gritting. I know it's supposed to be a dramatic performance but I can't help but laugh at his expression. Like, when he was trying to slow the train with his webs and was pinned to the front, I thought his face would explode. Hilarious shit. I also didn't get how that chick peeled the floor into shavings, maybe it was her nails that were peeling. I enjoyed the hospital scene, it was very thrilling without the use of blood, but in all honesty...I expected some blood. Even a little should have been okay with a PG13 rating. Ah well.

On a completely unrelated note, I just got finished watching "The Triplets of Belleville."

Yes, good film. Was one of my favourites, nice movie considering that there wasn't a drop of dialogue.

Now to bring up future movies.
I, Robot
Seems like an interesting movie. The robots have an intriguing appearance but why the hell did they have to use Will Smith?

[SeaRex]

I, Robot
Seems like an interesting movie. The robots have an intriguing appearance but why the hell did they have to use Will Smith?

Seriously.

You just KNOW that he's going to ruin it. What's-his-name must be rolling over in his grave... you know, the guy that wrote the "Foundation" series. Wait... is he dead?

[Sekto Springs]

Seriously.

You just KNOW that he's going to ruin it. What's-his-name must be rolling over in his grave... you know, the guy that wrote the "Foundation" series. Wait... is he dead?

Probably. I could just imagine how Will Smith wrote a rap song about I,Robot with no swear words. Oh the agony. I've read the book and the lead role is a dramatic one, and I do not feel comfortable having a comedic rapper playing his part, ditto with Jim Carrey.

[oddguy]

Isaac Asimov was the guy who wrote I, Robot.

Okay, I think the movie looks interesting, but I see Will Smith with a Machine gun and it just turns me off. I like movies that are smart, not movies that're just, KILL KILL KILL!

*shakes head*

-oddguy

[Shell Man]

With all modesty cast aside, I have to say I could design better robots than the ones in "I, Robot." They look like they came pre-rendered with the 3D modeling software, I can't wait till I become professional so I can get out there and show these guys how it's done. You'd think if we could build advanced robots that we could make their faces look better than some GI Joe action figure. In any case I'm not seeing it, they pretty much gave away the whole plot in the previews. Oh, let me guess, the world has become dependant on robots, who are forming artifical intelligence, so they start to rebel against humans, and Will Smith finds 12 ways to say "I told you so" in a witty manner. Yawn.

White Chicks looks like crap. It's just stupid, I hate when they play off tired steriotypes that don't exist anymore, like white people who can't deal with rap. Hell, more white people probably listen to rap now than black people. Take tired racial comedy and combine it with tired cross-dressing comedy of Mrs. Doubtfire,(Ooh, I wonder if some guy is going to mistake one of them for a real girl and fall in love, resulting in uncomfortablely homoerotic situations!?) and you have a very dated and shallow concept for a movie.

Now, I saw Spiderman 2, and alot of the things you criticized it for are kinda unfair. You complain that it has typical comic-book qualities, but the point is that it's based heavily on the comics. You know thousands of fan-boys would be whining if they didn't try to be as accurate as possible. I actually thought this one was better than the first, mostly because Doc Oc is a way more believable villain than the lame Goblin.(who didn't fail to deliver crappy "I'm going to get you, Spiderman!" type lines.) Not to mention haow utterly awsome Doc Oc was in this movie. Makes you wonder why villains are sometimes cooler than the heroes themselves.

[oddguy]

I saw white chicks. 'Twas okay.

-oddguy

[Sekto Springs]

Yes, Doc Ock truly made the movie. I love the big beat music composed by Danny Elfman that played whenever Doc Ock made the scene, really fit the character. I have doubts that they will actually make a Spider Man 3 (which was largely hinted at the end) movies usually don't make it that far out of sheer coincidence. If they do make a third one, I wanna see the pumpkin-hurling Hob Goblin, screw this "return of the Green Goblin" crap.

[Majic]

I, Robot. Psh. Looks like one of the most horrible movies. The main plot has gone further into crapiness by not taking a done to death movie concept, but taking 5 or so and blending them together.

"Funny" yet "Stylish" black hero? Check.
Hero who is the sole person to see an obvious catastophe? Check.
Futuristic setting, including robots, hover cars, and lasers? Check.
Arrogant industrial company and/or government responsible for catastrophe, who then proceeds to deny anything is wrong? Check.
Highly advanced artificial intelligence that is so u83r that it becomes self aware? Check.

Nothing about it looks original, humorous, nor entertaining. And the fact Will Smith is cast is horrible. We now get to see Agent J, I mean Will Smith, take on robots. Maybe if his characters in movies aren't the EXACT SAME everytime I wouldn't mind as much. Except for Enemy of the State. He wasn't ghetto black military man in that. But Independence Day? Wild Wild West? Men In Black? There's no difference in his acting. Period.

[Sekto Springs]

Yes, but I'll see it anyway. I have to. Or my mind will do bad things.

Now, what the hell is this Ron Burgundy shit?

[oddguy]

I'll see it as well, mainly because it has robots...and robots are cool.

Actually, my short story is about robots...truly original it is. Anyway, I check the movies and such to see what is out there.

-oddguy

[TheRaisin]

I CURSE WILL SMITH AND WHOEVER EMERGED FROM THE FIERY PITS OF HELL TO COME UP WITH THE IDEA OF COMPLETELY RAPING ISAAC ASIMOV'S NOVEL, SLAPPING ITS NAME ON YET ANOTHER CRAPPY SCI-FI ACTION MOVIE! AAAARGHH!!!!!!!!!!

This just annoys me SO MUCH. How the HELL can this happen? This movie is NOT I, Robot! They should not have the right to call it that! Why isn't the estate of Isaac Asimov suing? What in the NINE CIRCLES OF BURNING HELL is wrong with the world?! -scream of rage-

[Fez]

I, Robot looks amazing. I must see it.

[Sekto Springs]

I CURSE WILL SMITH AND WHOEVER EMERGED FROM THE FIERY PITS OF HELL TO COME UP WITH THE IDEA OF COMPLETELY RAPING ISAAC ASIMOV'S NOVEL, SLAPPING ITS NAME ON YET ANOTHER CRAPPY SCI-FI ACTION MOVIE! AAAARGHH!!!!!!!!!!

This just annoys me SO MUCH. How the HELL can this happen? This movie is NOT I, Robot! They should not have the right to call it that! Why isn't the estate of Isaac Asimov suing? What in the NINE CIRCLES OF BURNING HELL is wrong with the world?! -scream of rage-

Was the eye-blistering block letters and constant smilies really necessary? No.

[SeaRex]

Now, I saw Spiderman 2, and alot of the things you criticized it for are kinda unfair. You complain that it has typical comic-book qualities, but the point is that it's based heavily on the comics. You know thousands of fan-boys would be whining if they didn't try to be as accurate as possible.

I know. I'm an unfair guy, but keep in mind that I'm in the majority of people seeing SM2 that don't give a crap about the comics. Besides, if they wanted to prevent fanboy whining, they would have made Peter produce the web fluid from his scientific prowess instead of it being organic... because that's apparently how he made it... which is stupid and I'm glad they changed it. Nevertheless, lots of geeks are still whining about that one.

Don't worry. If you disagree with me, you shall have your revenge when the live action Evangelion movie is released. I'm gonna be geek-whining over that one for a while...

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Yeah, Issac Asimov. That's the guy. The plot for I, Robot is cliche because the book was revolutionary. It was the first book, to my knowledge, to feature that Matrix-esque robot uprising theme. Now, years later, they make a movie about it... so naturally people think it's stale material.

The only movie I liked Will Smith in was Men In Black. It fit the character.

[Hobo]

I saw Shrek 2 yesterday. It was a laugh.

Though saying that, I had been drinking heavily beforehand...

[Sekto Springs]

Drinking heavily can make The Cry of Death seem funny (which it is but I had also been drinking )

Lemme' sum up all the movies this thread should cover.
• Ron Burgundy (WTF)
• I, Robot (already brought up but will be releases on the 16)
• Seed Of Chucky (Robert Englund told me about this movie when signing autographs)
• Thunderbirds (why did they have to make it live action?)

Any others?

[nads]

• Ron Burgundy (WTF)

I love comedies so this is a must.

• I, Robot (already brought up but will be releases on the 16)

It's the Second Renisance from the Animatrix but with Will Smith

• Seed Of Chucky (Robert Englund told me about this movie when signing autographs)

Hmm...I'm not a horror guy, but Chucky is fan-****ing-tastic

• Thunderbirds (why did they have to make it live action?)

What the hell is this? Thunderbirds?!?

]Is Aliens VS Predator in the Summer? That'll be the shit.

[Sekto Springs]

[What the hell is this? Thunderbirds?!?

Oh! Smite thee devil, thou hast cast evil upon oust land, thou shall payeth for thy wicked crimson deeds among the innocent! What's Thunderbirds!? You must be joking. Evil. EEEEEEVIL.

[Fez]

Y'know, its REALLY piss's me off when people talk all Biblical.......

[Sekto Springs]

I know. That's the feeling I was trying to give off. But seriously, Thunderbirds is an old british TV show.

[Big_Bro_Slig222]

I want to see Triplets oF Bellville sometime this summer, just 'cause it looks cool. Could someone tell me more about it?


Other than that, most movies out this summer look like utter crap.