thanks for reading people! and good work with the graph Scrabtrapman.
Issue: 17
SLURG WAR!
Vykkers Labs accidentally discovered that slurgs are being given drugs to help them rapidly reproduce and eat more. The drug is also sweet to the taste, so when a slurg is eaten in a culinary delight (Slurg Sundae's?) and the consumer happens to taste the drug, it is sweet and blends in with the taste of the slurg. And all of this is at Rupture Farms.
Vykkers Labs say this is not good. Our reporter managed to get this statement from a Vykkers Labs scientist working on the matter;
"Its utterly proposterous! Just who do these organisations think they are?! The creatures are being pumped full of drugs to gratify the greedy needs of the glukkons of Rupture Farms, and thats including Molluck! Thats right! You make sure he knows that we know what he knows! And what we know, he dont wanna know! Yeah, you tell him that!"
REPORTER: "What could the drugs do to customers that eat them?"
"What! Oh, well the side effects vary, from a small stomach ache to torrents of diarrhoea where you will actually end up passing your own bowels. We'll test the drug on some fuzzles and see the results."
REPORTER: "Are you going to take action against Rupture Farms?"
"You know we could do, we're big enough. But we just want them to clearly inform the consumers of Slurg Sundae's, or what ever they're called, that a drug is in the product and by eating it, you are agreeing that Rupture Farms will not be held responsible for any effects it may induce. Its simple enough. Lets just see what they do."
REPORTER: "Ok, thank you."
We attempted to draw Molluck out of the depths of Rupture Farms but we were dismissed without seeing him. The D.F.W. League are enquiring presently.
MAG: Like they can do anything.
-ADVERT-
Belkin Ross/30672
I'm sellin' a MA582 limited edition chrome plated blunderbuss rifle. It's been repaired once but needs a new firing pin that I can't track down in this area of the Paramonia Metro. I'm looking for between 700-1200 Moolah. Works fine, but again, needs a new firing pin. If you're willing to go above the 900 Moolah mark I'll through in some old incendiary rounds I got lyin' around.
For those unfamiliar, the MA582 Limited Edition stands out for its specialty modified chuck below the trigger that allowed for compressed air-launched grenades and a high caliber hydraulic close range weapon air burst. It's a beaut and only about 2,000 were commissioned by the Cartel. You can't find these things anywhere but from either specialty dealers or someone willing to mod your old guns into it.
It's a lightweight tactical weapon that ISN'T BUILT FOR INDUSTRIAL SITES; use this thing in open areas and away from any machinery. Don't get a clip extension for it beyond 27 rounds, it'll overheat and melt in your oddamn hands.
Good for hunting but avoid using it on anything smaller than a Scrab or large Paramite. Commercial BOOM grenades do not work with it, and you must get a weapons dealer to modify them to work. Contact me at ParaMet 1692 with a Fone or use a WhyFly connection to send me a message.
No refunds and Bounty Hunters willing to buy it must be able to offer credentials. Any Free Muds who want it will have to meet me outside of the town.
-ADVERT FINISH-
M.O.M –
News you cannot refuse – By the Scrabtrapman
ISSUE10: GIBRO’S BONE BREAKING PLANT GETS HOSTILE TAKEOVER
Gibro is or was a small time industrialist on the edge of known oddworld, he made up for around 3% of soulstorm brew bones but, unlike its sister plants it had a reputation for uncanny safety and fantastically treated workers the bones weren’t even mudokon, there were never more than ten accidents a year! Yesterday GBBP went offline for a short period of time then we directly received this tapper, “We are hexarets, once there was a colony on this world and we are coming to find it, much has changed, we are going to take control of this area and keep it under our control, do not resist us”! M.O.M is being told to stay calm and that all inhabitants should see there local big bro for more information.
Our side story today is presented by Vyker’s new economic sub branch, it shows the economic change and balance of money as more and more of there buyers are being eradicated by the magog cartel’s violent nature! Note that Rupture Farms lost its meeches around 1999!
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MAD BUT TRUE ANIMALS!
1.) My slog used to literally jump into my arms when he got spooked! Its true! He was a right softie, and the best slog i have ever had.
MAG: I'd love to own a slog like that.
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INTERVIEW TIME!
A slig named Tilic recently offered to let us interview him. Tilic and his pack of five other sligs are successful and well-known for the work they do as Cartel Scouts. Expecting a guy like that to have a lot of wisdom to share, we eagerly accepted his offer.
Slig’s WEIRD: Hi, Tilic. Scouting is a pretty obscure job to those who don’t have to employ them. Can you tell us a little about what you do?
Tilic: As scouts our job is basically to do outdoor work. Mostly it consists of going out into the wild in search of animals, native muds and other geography the glukkons can make money from. We’re mostly reliant on individual commissions; glukkons might ask us to search for something in a specific area, or clear dangerous wildlife out of the land they want to build on or things like that.
SW: So are you paid by the Cartel?
Tilic: Scouts haven’t been supported by the Magog Cartel for about 15 years, since before I started the job anyway. We rely on what we get paid, so we have to work hard, harder than we would in factory jobs, I promise you. Supplies, equipment, tools, all bought with the money we earn.
SW: What would you say were the best parts of the job?
Tilic: It’s just a totally different lifestyle to the norm. We don’t get the home comforts or the security of industrial life, but there is a sense of freedom in being your own boss. We have to be smarter and better trained than most jobs imply. Also, unlike other jobs, we really are in danger most of the time. In a factory job, incaution might cause you to get hurt, but out there, it doesn’t matter how good you are; you can get hurt. I rely on my pack not just for work, but for safety. I couldn’t survive out there on my own. As pack leader I need to know their skills, their strengths and weaknesses, and they need to be ready to obey commands at a moment’s notice.
SW: So what would you say to anyone thinking of a career change?
Tilic: I’d say five of us in my pack were trained in scouting since we were sliglets, from the moment we first entered the barracks. Don’t even consider scouting if you’re not ready to train hard, work hard and put your life on the line for your pack.
SW: A little while ago we talked about the danger sligs have been put in by faults in the production of the Scrab Shooter gun. As a hunter in the wild, what weapons do you depend on and what advice would you give to any slig selecting a new gun?
Tilic: My advice would be to not listen to a word said by the **** sellers. Let me make this clear; Vykkers’ Labs, Slig Barracks, they all tell one lie, and that is, you need a good gun to be a good fighter. One of my pack, Stack, can take down a meech with a single bullet and without ruining any part of the edible meat from 50 yards away, and he uses a third-hand Boxer 100 rifle that’s about 10 years old.
Shooting isn’t what gun you’ve got, it’s how good your aim is, and knowing where to aim for. You can take down a bull scrab like the one Gollo was talking about (I just read that issue three days ago; been out of civilisation for a while) with a standard rifle if you can hit it in the right place. Slig Barrack’s will tell you differently, because they sell guns. Vykkers’ Labs will make you think you need their products to live to your life expectancy, because they want your money! I would never take a gun specifically designed for killing scrabs because what happens if you run into a back of paramites? Don’t buy a better gun; learn to use the one you’ve got. People might be impressed by a big gun, but they’ll be more impressed if you can hit your target dead-on from a long distance.
SW: Thank you for your time, Tilic, and your – gotta say it – controversial advice.
-ADVERT-
HailStorm Minigun
85,000 moolah
This titanic war machine gun will clear riots in just a matter of seconds. It can fire up to 7,000 rounds a minute so be careful. I don't even remember how I got this thing!?!
TEL:
1800 GUNS
-ADVERT FINISH-
Words With Kroloff
YES! Its time to hear our sergeant Kroloff’s words of wisdom, expert in weapons, combat and hunting, with over 16 years experience, and currently stationed at a small slig outpost in Scrabania. But he still has time to answer your questions!
Anonymous: What are the different types of grenade available?
Kroloff: Well you cant deny the dramatic effect of an official BOOM Machine! grenade, the biggest suppliers of all purpose grenades for some of Mudos' biggest corporations.
Other, more specified grenades consist of Flashbangs; used to stun the target with a deafening bang and blinding flash. Also Smoke grenades, which speak for themselves. Tear gas grenades to blind the target with streams of stinging tears. You can also get Incendiary grenades that set the target on fire in an explosion of heat (just a glorified version of a petrol bomb), and at the very back of my memory is the Nail bomb, which is homemade.
I did some service in Paramonia, and once witnessed a Nail bomb go off when me and a small party of sligs were securing the perimeter from native muds. The bomb happened to be hidden in the undergrowth when it went off and took out half my platoon. B*stard mudokons had placed it there and just waited for us to move in range before detonating it. They must have had outside help to use it as it was a bit too technical for them.
This bomb was custom made and had been filled with nuts and bolts instead of nails. It was still classed as a Nail bomb, just not filled with nails. Anyway it went off and I hit the deck as a number of bolts pierced my pants and caused me to fall, probably saving my life. 4 of my comrades weren't so lucky. They were a right mess. Just think of what you would look like after nuts and bolts had shot straight through your head, chest and any other body part. Still, we found them.
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RUBBISH JOKES!
1.) A lowly mudokon worker wonders into a cage where he finds himself face-to-face with a hungry, drooling slog. His heart beating fast, the mudokon frantically glances around and to his relief spots a slig, likely the owner of this slog. The mudokon calls out to the slig "Hey, is this slog safe?" The slig replies "Yeah. But you're not!"
By: Anonymous
2.) A slig saw a mudokon kicking a cardboard box down the path. The slig asks him: "What you doing?" And the mudokon says "I'm moving house!"
By: Foren
3.) What do you call a hungry fleeches master?
A: Dinner!
By: Dolty
THIS ISSUES WINNER IS: The anonymous sender of joke No: 1, a true-to-life joke! Well done, we'll send your 50 moolah to your working location.
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COMMERCIAL & PERSONAL AD'S
> Hot Barrels Volume 1! Come see this brilliant Slig parody, from the makers of Airship!, Two Smoking Fleeches and Big Bad Slig!
TEL: 0182 543 298
> Chronicler needed for legal support on a new plastic bag factory under construction. Pay very good.
TEL: 0182 429 856 and tell the operator what your applying for.
> Sligs needed for employment in behaviour modification experimentation!
Good wages, short working days. Some risk involved.
Call 0437 675945 511 for details; applicants must present themselves in person. We do not accept liability for injuries sustained during the course of experiments.
SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine staff:
Writers: Stevix
Editor: Rozzle
Reporters: CANNOT BE NAMED
Receptionist: Coth
Chief coffee maker: Roldy
Magog Cartel law specialiser: Chronicler Sphenixson
Slig security: Font
Len
Disue
Vilt
Hond
Owner: Stevix
"No news is good news. I'm afraid I cannot believe in this motto in my position." - Stevix.
If you wish to have anything published (jokes, interveiws, complaints, birthday wishes, information, etc), then PM mollucks assistant and he will personally make sure it is included in the next issue of SLIG'S WEIRD!
Thanks for reading!
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credit goes to Kastere for the 'Belkin Ross/30672' advert, to Scrabtrapman for the M.O.M. News article, to Splat for the interview material and the 'behaviour modification experimentation' ad, to BlackVenom for the Hailstorm Minigun advert, to AlexFili for the Words With Kroloff question and Hot Barrels ad, and to Carnix for joke No: 1.
i apolagise to BlackVenom if the picture in the advert wasnt big enough, thats just how it came out when i pasted the code.
dont forget to add your bit by PM'ing me your contribution!
