Jokes 2 -

Joshy · #31 11-18-2002, 06:33 AM

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"

M.O.M · #32 11-18-2002, 12:57 PM

thats good

Jacob · #33 11-18-2002, 05:10 PM

My God, its {Insert forum member(s) name here} response to such a proposition...!!

Joshy · #34 11-18-2002, 07:18 PM

After being married for 27 years this guy tells his wife that he is bored and is going to the bar to have a drink.

As he enters the bar this gorgeous blond call him over. She says instead of you staying down here and drinking why don't you come upstairs to my apartment and we can drink and have sex all night. He is dumbfounded but decides to go.

After a night of drinking and crazy sex he falls asleep and when he awakes he looks at the clock and says . O my god it's 3:00 A.m. I must go . It was great but you know I'm a married man and I don't want my wife to find out about this. She says don't worry it was just a one night stand. As he is leaving he says thank you and then asks her if she had any powder. She gives him the powder and he rubs it on his hands. He then leaves to go home.

As he opens the door his wife is standing there all pissed off. She says "and where were you", He replies I was at the bar and I met this gorgeous woman and she invited me up to her place for drinks and a night of wild sex. She says "let me see your hands" He put out his hands and she says "DON'T LIE TO ME YOU WENT BOWLING

OddPod · #35 11-19-2002, 01:57 AM

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

Joshy · #36 11-19-2002, 04:51 AM

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?" "Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

revhead · #37 11-19-2002, 05:13 AM

Joshy · #38 11-19-2002, 05:15 AM

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

revhead · #39 11-19-2002, 05:16 AM

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side

Joshy · #40 11-19-2002, 05:18 AM

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

OddPod · #41 11-28-2002, 02:24 AM

Hahhahahahahahaahhahahahah

Joshy · #42 11-28-2002, 06:39 AM

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"

OddPod · #43 12-02-2002, 06:29 AM

poor guy

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Joshy · #44 12-03-2002, 04:48 AM

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch
of pornographic magazines"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash"
The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms"
"Oh my" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them" she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit."

OddPod · #45 12-05-2002, 06:04 AM

A girls mum really loves working in her garden. Since there are no fences every one in the street can see each other.

One day her daughter came up and said "Mum guess what, that old elderly neighbour that has been living next to us for so long is leaving, aren't you sad?"

Her mum replied "Finally, now i can bend over."

nads · #46 12-06-2002, 11:59 PM

tee hee

M.O.M · #47 12-07-2002, 09:51 AM

A guy is talking to a hotel receptionist, but he accidently elbows this woman in her breast.
they are poth sunned then the guy says
"If your heart is as soft as your breast you will forgive me"
and the woman replies
"If your penis is as hard as your elbow im in room 436!"

heres another one:

A little girl runs in to the house and asks her mum for a glass of cider, cause she has a cut on her hand.
as soon as the girl gets the cider she sticks her hand in it.
"that wont help" the mum says
"but katie said once she has a prick in her hand she cant wait to get it inside her" relpied the girl!

one more:

A guy wakes up and realises hes aroused sao he gets his kid to take a note to his wife:

The tentpole is up,
the canvas is spread,
to hell with breakfast,come back to bed!

the wife replies with:

take the tentpole down,
put the canvas away,
the monkey has a headache,
no circus today!

the guy sends back:

the tentpole is still up,
the canvas is still spread,
drop what your doing,
and give me some head!

The wife finally sends:

im sure your pole,
is the best in the land,
im busy at the moment,
so do it by hand!

Joshy · #48 12-08-2002, 03:51 AM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

ethan · #49 12-08-2002, 04:09 AM

narrorator: So there are three kids one of their names is shut-up another one is manners and the last one is crap so anyway crap was playing in a tree then he trips and falls then breaks his leg then shut-up goes to the police station.

police officer: Hey kid what is our name?

Shut-up: Shut-up.

police officer: What is your name?

Shut-up: Shut-up.

police officer:Are you looking for trouble?

Shut-up:No.

police officer:Where is your manners?

Shut-up:Out-side picking up Crap.

hehe

Ethan

MasterChief · #50 12-08-2002, 04:31 AM

how do u guys have the patience to type all that lol

MasterChief · #51 12-08-2002, 04:33 AM

rev heads joke was the funniest

Joshy · #52 12-08-2002, 06:21 AM

masterchielf please dont double post since its counted as spamming.

Here's a story a girl mailed me:
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

M.O.M · #53 12-08-2002, 08:14 AM

thats funny!!!

ethan · #54 12-08-2002, 05:24 PM

Ethan

Joshy · #55 12-09-2002, 05:24 AM

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Glukkon killer · #56 01-02-2003, 10:46 AM

A woman walked into a male doctors room..

"Do you mind if i numb your breasts" The doctor said

"No" The woman replied

"num num num num num num num num" He said

Big_Bro_Slig222 · #57 01-02-2003, 02:21 PM

A guy is drinkin in a bar, when he gets into a conversation with a woman. Before you know they end up bsck at his place in his bed.
While their doin it, lo and behold, she has a siezure. She shakin twitchin, the whole thing. This man is not the sharpest kinfe in the drawer, so he think its just part of the whole thing, and exclaims, "this is the best sex i ever had!" So he fifishes, and for about 20 minites afterward shes still having the siezure. The guy gets worried so he takes her to the ER. He runs up to the front desk and says"I think her orgasms stuck."