*In a nice, happy tone* # Jacobs Help-liiiiiiiine #

Jacob · #1 09-22-2002, 06:57 PM

*Jingle in the 'Brady Bunch' tune*

# He is Jacob, he tries to he-elp. But everything he does just comes out wrong. He attempts to make-a people li-i-i-ive. And yet they say he's a con. He puts down others, to make them se-ee. To make them see the error o-o-of their ways. But everytime he does he gets-a flamed and ends up in a daze #

*Jingle ends in a big 'Gong'*

(Wow!!)
Yeh, so, anyway this is my thread to help people. Just post a problem here and i will give you my amazing advice which will surely help you!! Anything from Wild Bores eating your Nose. Or small Midgets nibbling your Didgits. Jacob is here, here to help.

*Smiles as jingle plays in background*

Disclaimer: Any problems that are laughed at/used in jokes are your problem. Telling Jacob your problems is your fault and thus you should expect him to laugh at you as you help. Posting your troubles means you agree to these conditions and thus makes your Law suit illegible. Thankyou.

Intern_485 · #2 09-22-2002, 07:23 PM

That was amusing. I'm glad that you and I can agree on something.

MojoMan220 · #3 09-22-2002, 07:34 PM

I need some help Jacob. My dog thinks my leg is a dog bone. She has her entire jaw around the lower part of my left leg. There's quite a bit of blood and she seems to have gotten to the actual bone, it hurts a lot. My question to you is… what can I do to get an "A" on my math test?

Thanks in advance!

Jacob · #4 09-22-2002, 07:46 PM

Dear Mojo,
Yes, this is a common question i get. Well, all i can say is revise. Revise-revise-revise those Maths answers on the back of your hand. If you do this, then when you cheat, you wont have to look at your hand and thus will be able to wright down all the correct answers. If you do struggle to remember, then just look at the answers.
Alternativly pray to the God 'Mathmatus' and im sure he will bestow you with some Mathmatical amazingness...

MojoMan220 · #5 09-22-2002, 08:26 PM

Your advise gave me chills, it was simply wonderful!

Jacob · #6 09-23-2002, 05:44 PM

Now recently i recieved a PM from one of the members, he didn't want his name to be disclosed, but here is his PM and my advice to him.

Dear Jacob,
Hi, its {Censored for legal reasons} here. I have a really personal problem. You see, when i made this topic up everyone made fun of it and started making fun of the subject and twisting it, infact, you were one of these people. But now, the subject they twisted it to has come true. My penis shrinks, its so worrying. I had a go at so many people in my topic 'Shrinking' cos i thought they were making fun of a serious subject, but now i am in dire need for help. Please Jacob, please help me and my gradually disappearing penis!! Thanks in advance.

{Censored for legal reasons}

Yes. I get this alot. It is normal for such things to happen, the penis is the part of the body which is basically the one thing that makes men insecure. I dont really want to talk to you about this as i know what you look like and may have a sudden vision of you naked...and i would be forced to shove a toothpick right into my head. So, i'll keep this brief. If you want to stop your penis from shrinking, talk to it, get it to tell you its inner most fears. What makes it tick, what does it enjoy. As soon as you have done this i promise your penis and yourself will be more confident. Thanks for your question.

Tex · #7 09-23-2002, 08:53 PM

Thanks for that Jacob. Even though my mom caught me talking to my penis, and was extremely disturbed when it talked back, I think you have helped it survive for another 10 seconds.

Soooooo........my question,

Dear Jacob,

I was once a very pretty man, back in the day. One Christmas, my mother bought me a sledge hammer. I was so excited that I bashed my face in with it. I now look like a Chinese carp, you know, with my face all messed up and the like. My face has tried to regain its overlly cute appeal, but each time I smash the sledge hammer across it. I have tried Nicceret, and now I am addicted to cigarretes. Nothing seems to work. I'm starting to think that I should smash the sledge hammer, but with what? If I use another hammer I'll just start hitting myself again. I have nowhere to turn.

What should I do?

~TEX

Jacob · #8 09-23-2002, 09:28 PM

Oooohh yes, such a valid question.

Dear Tex,
Yes, this question has been asked by many children, mostly of the 'geek' variety and so i am here to help. Firstly you need to find a Train. Secondly you need to place the hammer on the tracks. Thirdly, watch and wait.
Now at any time should you have the urge to smack yourself with the Train, do so...you will die...boo-hoo. However, if the Train de-rails and kills thousands upon thousands of people...get the f*ck out of there.

Thankyou for your question.

Majic · #9 09-23-2002, 09:51 PM

Dear Jacob, I have this hideously annoying problem, you see its like this, its just really annoying, because its a problem, but I don't know what it is, so I can't help it, and I'm so confused, and like, I know it'll take your immense fashion sense to figure this one out, because really, I need some serious help, sincerely, David, ps help me, very quickly at that, like now!

Jacob · #10 09-24-2002, 10:18 AM

*Laughs cornily*

Dear Majic,
Many people have problems. But they just usually get on with their lives, HANG out, have a GAS, BLOW your MIND, dont GIVE-UP...As they say, life is short and hard like a body-building Elf. *Sighs* Dont fall into the trap of getting depressed over some little niggle which will soon turn into a great big problem and devour your life forever. Dont ATTEMPT SUICIDE. Lifes about problems...get over them. If you believe the only way is to KILL YOURSELF just take 10 mins time out and think of everything you'll miss out in life...everything...actually, im sure 10 minutes is too long. How about 5 seconds? Yes, that sounds about right. Thought about it? Good, now, some people ask were the gun store is, but im not going to tell you, nope, im not going to tell you its on 5th avenue next to the hairdressers cos i dont want you to DIE...Stick with it, STAND up tall, possibly ON a podium. Dont think about standing on RAILWAY LINES and waiting for a train to run into you, ending your pathetic little existance...no...dont do that.

Thankyou for your question.

***Alcar*** · #11 09-24-2002, 10:34 AM

Hi there Jacob,

I have this problem, I just can't decide which brand of sun/glasses to wear, I have a gucci brand and a Mark Waugh brand.

It's driving me crazy, and so far 10 roosters have been slaughted because they didn't give me an answer when I asked them the same question I'm asking you!

Hurry! I only have a gizillion roosters left!

Alcar...

Jacob · #12 09-24-2002, 12:29 PM

Hi there,
Hmmmm, i've had one or two people trot along and ask me this. However, they didn't say 'Mark Waugh' they said they got the other brand from a shop called 'Walmart' or 'Poundstretcher'. Obviously i laughed at them and slapped them upside the head. Anyway, to answer your question, i haven't seen or heard of the other brand, but i can tell you, Gucci is a highly respectable make...gorgeous clothes, shoes, handbags, jewelry, watches etc and just FABULOUS models to model them. Just go to Gucci.com and have swan around. Yes, so, get the Gucci...and send me a Rooster, i have a friend who's into the whole 'animal scene'

Thx for your question...

MojoMan220 · #13 09-24-2002, 05:37 PM

I'm sure PA regrets making the "shrinking" thread now...

Jacob · #14 09-24-2002, 06:20 PM

I never stated his...or her name. If you want to think it was PA who sent that PM, then fine. But...for legal reasons i never stated it.

General Drippik · #15 09-28-2002, 01:24 AM

Oh yeah, it was PA. Wooh!

Jacob · #16 09-28-2002, 11:56 AM

Another PM...

Dear Jacob,
Hi there. My name is {Name censored for Legal reasons} and im wondering if you could help me. I know we haven't seen eye to eye alot but i hope we can put all that behind us. You see, everybody on the forums is judging me cos of my remarks about September the 11th. And my views on Sydney. They think im a bad person and wont be my friend. This upsets me, im a really nice guy and want some friends who are younger than me to talk about OW with, cos other teens aren't into OW and are into drink, drugs and girls. These subjects embarass me and i dont want to talk about them. When i finally got let back on i asked Sydney to change my name for me and i changed my Avatar, now its a little ViVi off FF9, i thought that would make people warm to me, make people want to be my friend but it hasn't. They still hate me and in many topics Majic Abe has been attacking me verbally, this makes me upset and one time my mum had to comfort me cos i couldn't stop crying. So please Jacob, what can i do? How can i make people like me? How do i be like you, an amazing!! The pinnacle of amazingness!! The, the, the Ghandi of Shallowness!? HOW!?

Thankyou in advance
{Name censored for Legal reasons}

Yes, yes. How to make friends with little kiddies, eh? Hmmmm, well you could dress up as a Clown...which should be easy since your mum has clothes which look like they come from a Circus. Or you could kidnap them and force them to like you...yes...yes i think that would work for somebody like you. Try that.

salty pretzils · #17 09-28-2002, 12:27 PM

lol
Very good

ryu · #18 09-28-2002, 12:35 PM

jacob heres a puzzler(i kno how)i just wanna see if you kno how ta get a custom banner made yourself

Jacob · #19 09-29-2002, 12:40 PM

Dear Ryu,
Stop being a smart arse...

***Wil*** · #20 09-29-2002, 03:19 PM

Dear Jacob,

It has come to my attention through means that I cannot explain that people laugh at me behind my back. I have no idea what they are laughing at, other than me, and I am not aware of any part of me that could be defined as being funny, other than my sense of humour and my hilarious accent. I wouldn't mind so much if they laughed in front of me, because I would be able to follow their eyes and see what's so damn funny. Since they're behind me, I have deduced that there is something comical with my back or my bum. Or possibly my heels.

Now this worries me, because I can't turn my neck enough to see my back or my bum. I can see my heels alright, and they look fine to me, but I haven't ruled out the possibility that what I find mundane is completely side-splitting to others.

More than anything I would like to turn around and ask what's so funny, but before I can, somebody always kicks me. It's so much of a coincidence that it's almost funny. Except that I'm now lying in the mud getting walked all over. If I land face-down I keep getting kicked, which is even more of a coincidence. There is obviously something very important that I am missing, but the pressure of GSCEs and Killer Centipedes limits my logical reasoning. Do you have any advise that could in any way help me?

Thank you in advance,
Anonymous

Jacob · #21 09-29-2002, 06:11 PM

Dear anon,
Yes, this is interesting. I suffered from this once before...until i bought a Gucci suit which made everybody go:

"Oh sh*t, he's rich"

And then i laughed, my Rolex watch laughed, my Prada shoes laughed and i mocked and had them all burnt. *Reminices* Ahhh yes. Anyway, the best way for somebody less advantaged is to just get a bum lift, a heel removal and a back strip...And then nobody will laugh anymore.
And the reason they're kicking you, its cos the eye on the back of your head is mocking them...

Majic · #22 09-29-2002, 06:39 PM

Jacob, I have to admit, your answers sway so far from the norm they're actualy genious! Yes, I need to learn how to spell that.

I mean, I would normaly just suggest beating down each of their own asses with a club...

General Drippik · #23 09-29-2002, 07:51 PM

If people laugh at you, turn around and say, 'Yeah I know it's funny.....' I dunno.

Jacob · #24 09-29-2002, 10:06 PM

I believe its called 'Jacobs Helpline' not 'General Dripiks helpline'

***Wil*** · #25 09-30-2002, 04:55 PM

Really? I'd suggest taking the 'kick me' sign off this guys back, but I wanted to see what you suggested first of all.

Jacob · #26 09-30-2002, 08:04 PM

The 'kick me' sign is just a mere distraction. My bro took the 'Put my head down the toilet and flush' sign off his back...i still did it.

Jacob · #27 10-01-2002, 08:52 PM

Jacob,
Hi my name is {Name with held for personal reasons}
And my cat is terrified me!When I try to lift her up,She meows and fights!Help!!!!

Sincerly,{Name witheld for personal reasons}

Dear *Mumbles*,
I can sympathise with your problem. In my experience the cause is because you have usually forced yourself in a sexual way upon the animal. Try patting its head first, giving her a treat and then pick it up gently under the front legs. Speak to it softly. Another problem is that you made be picking it up by its tail...whilst holding boiling hot water. In which case you deserve to be eaten alive by Slugs...
Thankyou for your question and money you sent through the post.

Jacob · #28 07-01-2003, 01:23 PM

Hey there,
I am currently awaiting my STD tests and was just wondering if you thought i should carry on screwing around? If not, why? What if i did it standing up? Cos that always helps with not getting the girls pregnant...cheers mate!!

Anon

Dear Anon,
This is a very tricky situation, due to the fact i don't know what STD you have...i would advise you to leave the intercourse alone for now until you find out what disease you are being violated by. If you are going to have intercourse, use protection...like a vice...or a carrier bag. The fact you believe the 'standing up' myth is worrying due to the fact it means you have seamanated countless girls with your seed...which is bad...i believe you should be neutered and your parents punished for bringing you up...then all the foetus' you have helped to create should be destroyed...along with the open-legged whores you have manifested yourself into...why do i believe this? Because i am better than you and your kind are nothing but insects to a God-like deity such as i...

*Jingle plays in background*

***Wil*** · #29 07-01-2003, 02:00 PM

Thank god you brought this back. *gets over-excited and has to go to the lav*

oddling · #30 07-02-2003, 01:57 AM

Dear Jacob,

I have two problems, 1 I have been sucking on the handle end of a fork for over 4 hours. There is a small pool of saliva forming on my desk below my mouth, and painful ulsurs are starting to form on my cheeks, could you please direct me to either a 7 11, or an asyllum? Whichever one you think would suite me better. 2 There is a large mosquito buzzing aorund my room. It has bitten me many times and where it has bitten me it it very swollen and red, and starting to pus. The room is swirling, I am dizzy, hot, sweaty, and about to pass out. What do you think is wrong with me? What do you think made me like this? Should I call the hospital, or just take some aspirin? Help me out Jacob!

Oddling l:c l