Hollywood lessons

[One, Two, Middlesboogie]

1) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

2) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

3) All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

4) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

5) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

6) All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

7) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

8) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

11) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

12) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

13) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

14) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

[Statikk HDM]

Funny as hell! Here's a few I have noticed: Indians always say how, no matter what language their tribe speaks. It is an impossibility for the portrayed team of athletes to be winning before the last quarter, minutes etc. of a game. The harder someone tries to pull off a cockney or british accent the more ridiculous they sound. If someone is horrifically injured while bull riding, they will miraculously recover from the injury so they can rematch said bull.

[PinkHaired Mudokon CWR]

It's funny, true and highly intelligent!

[Melvin:squeeking paramite]

Heh, these are hilarious, Anna... Being a movie person, I know...

Mmmmm, Hollywood stereotypes... Let's see...

New York Hookers have the heart of gold.

For incredibly poignant scenes in which women talk about very... er poignant things, for some reason they must always be scantily clad or nude.

When you are watching a hero about to be sliced in half by a moving saw you aren't supposed to notice that whenever they show a shot of the saw it is in the same place...

In PG13 films' bedroom scenes, you can see a quick shot of the woman's breasts for half a second, then the tidy blankets will cover every thing on the man and woman.

When a time bomb is supposed to go off in 20 seconds, make sure you know that in Hollywood 20 seconds is 5 minutes.

When you are watching an American war film, the Americans are the good side. If you are watching a French war film, the French are the good side.

All puny women can't even pick up a case of soda, but when the muscle bound moron appears and sweeps her off her feet, he can lift several cars at a time.

For some reason, homosexuals in hollywood always must have a lisp.

When people are delivering dramatic dialogue, they are to have sweat beads dropping from their brow.

In 70's secret agent films, remember the main character can never die, he/she must be able to evade such deaths as becoming piranha food, being sliced in half, etc and he/she must always get lots of jiggly members of the opposite sex.

Oh so many more...

[Danny]

A young man can be fairly confident that any challenge that has so far claimed the lives of his two older brothers and/or his father will be easy to overcome.

The main character only survives for the sequel.

Never offer to escort a main character through any dangerous situation. Supposedly safe situations are no picnic either...

If you are involved in a fight, argument, or other similar situations, always pray that you are in the minority. Being the weakest, youngest, and lowest-ranking person also helps.

It's fine to be a bad guy, as long as you don't start out as a good guy, in which case you can expect to last until roughly 15 minutes after you switch sides...

Edit:

Originally posted by Melvin: Squeeking Paramite:
In PG13 films' bedroom scenes, you can see a quick shot of the woman's breasts for half a second, then the tidy blankets will cover every thing on the man and woman.

Do I sense bitterness in your voice there, Dylan?

[Melvin:squeeking paramite]

Originally posted by Danny

Edit: Do I sense bitterness in your voice there, Dylan?

Oh, of course not... There are so many films that aren't PG13, any way... *is still bitter about every thing else on earth, though*

[One, Two, Middlesboogie]

Originally posted by Statikk HDM
The harder someone tries to pull off a cockney or british accent the more ridiculous they sound.

Even worse are people trying to do Scottish accents. An American trying to pull off a Scottish accent is just about the most ridiculous thing you will ever hear.

[One, Two, Middlesboogie]

I found more while lurking at another board:

- During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- Most dogs are immortal.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.

- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

[ZombieX]

You missed the most common one:
The good guys always win.



*except in horror films, where it's left hanging.

[One, Two, Middlesboogie]

Ah yes, another thing about goodies and baddies... goodies can always judge distances when jumping and can shoot more accurately than baddies.

I like your sig, too.

[Gluk Schmuck]

- At one point it will seem like the goodie is going to be killed but they will use an extravogent manouver to avoid death, and usually end up killing the baddie as a result.
- Nobody pays attention when they're driving.
- Minions of arch villains are stupid and die very easily.

[Mac the Janitor]

Here's some more:

If there's a woman as one of the main characters, she's bound to have implants.

The hero always has time to think up witty phrases and puns to say while using the highest, most difficult form of martial arts.

You never see the main character doing anything normal, like going to the bathroom, watching TV, or anything else.

The main guy ALWAYS stays cool.

The guy who hacks into the security system or alien's information database always wears glasses, is very skinny, and trembles and stutters.

In order to keep your attention, there's an explosion every 5 or 10 minutes.

The main guy always is up to date in everything- the latest fighting techniques, fine wines, dancing...it's hard to figure out how he has time to study all of these AND save the world every day.

There's always the comic relief guy.

The title of the movie has nothing to do with the actual movie.

Usually, you can spot at least 4 or 5 holes in the plot.

If it's a two man team, there's the strict guy, and then there's the goofball.

Have you EVER seen a short, stocky, or bald guy as the main character in an action movie?

For the bad guy's plan to kill the main guy, he always chooses the most elaborate, slowest, easiest-to-get-out-of plan.

The woman never gets even a scratch while fighting, and her hair and makeup stays perfect.

Oh-for that last one, I have an example:

-STAR WARS: EPISODE 2-

1)That queen girl gets clawed on by the tiger thing- the claws rip through her suit perfectly, not cutting the skin AT ALL, and-WOW!- now her suit is in the latest fashion, like Britney Spears!

2)Okay- she's wearing a fashionable white suit now, right? She falls out of the spaceship thing and rolls in the dirt a number of times, but-WOW!- her dress is still perfectly white!

[Gluk Schmuck]

Every security system is completely fallable. Especially those guarding priceless jewels.

[Wolfpac]

These are good.

It reminds me of why the Naked Gun/Austin Powers Movies are so good. They are a Spoof on Hollywood.

But I can thing of two.

- Even in New York, and in Peak Hour, no one is Stuck in Traffic

- And they can always get a Parking Spot right in front of the place they are going.

[One, Two, Middlesboogie]

Originally posted by Gluk Schmuck
Every security system is completely fallable. Especially those guarding priceless jewels.

Don't I know it! I saw three jewel-thievery films in the past few days (The Pink Panther, The Return Of The Pink Panther and Herbie Goes To Monte Carlo), and the security systems were so flimsy it was funny.

[Mac the Janitor]

Here's another:

If there's a gun fight, most likely it will be in an old shipyard (or somewhere else with many ladders and barrels).

[Steve]

heros are only allowed to be injured in the upper arm and sholder. (unless they make a big deal out of it)

[Statikk HDM]

Also,If the hero is being shot at by a bunch of gangsters with fully automatic guns they will NEVER HIT THE HERO! The slower a gun fires a round the more likely it is to hit said target.
1 sniper can pop someone 500 feet away, 50 gangsters firing at relativly close range in a warehouse won't even nick the hero.