So I encountered Transformers 4. It was fucking garbage. Here's an analysis it doesn't deserve.
Transformers 4 starts off very strong; there's a subversive sense of humor about the previous films in the series and Mark Wahlberg feels like a tongue-in-cheek self-insert for Micheal Bay, representing a creative force muzzled by things beyond his control. Unfortunately this is simply Bay trying to trick you into thinking this film has some kind of pathos or sentimentality. The visual effects are amazing as usual, particularly on Hound and Lockdown; an obese cursing autobot whose entire body seems to be made of ammunition and an unsettlingly dense 'evil' transformer who takes pleasure going all kali-ah on Autobots and tearing their robo heart/souls out. Being three hours long the film uses that ONE WEIRD TRICK to keep your ass planted through the whole thing in that you become so suffocated by the noise and wretched messy visuals that you can't pull yourself away until the angsty credits music brings you back to feeling emotions (mostly guilt, regret, shame, arousal and confusion).
High points:
-Mark Wahlberg is hilarious in this movie, intentionally or otherwise. However his earnest wonder at finding a dead transformer at the start of the movie is just endearing enough to make his character likeable.
-A man is literally kicked in the face by a car. Not by a transformer mind you, just some guy in a sort of dune-buggy who punts some idiot in the shnoz.
-Optimus Prime riding around on Grimlock (or whoever, the tyrannosaurus robot) is a pretty cool image and if both the hour of film leading up to it and the battle that follows composed the entire film it would be the best in the series and a decent movie.
-Optimus Prime ends the film by going all intergalactic schoolyard bully and threatens anyone who might attack earth, the super-vulnerable planet he just flew away from.
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I see you jockin' me.
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