A Fairy Story with Poignant Morals
Once upon a time there was a strapping young lad called Kod who lived in a small farming community just south of Neo Tokyo. He was the eldest of three sons who helped their father to tend their prosperous radish farm.
Each morning Kod would tend the radishes on the farm, which was situated on a high mountain (the mountain had been formed by the intense volcanic activity that Earthplanetcheese had suffered due to the alien death-rays during the Invasions of the 35th century, several hundred years before). He surveyed the fields around him - the countryside stretched for miles, and beyond it the sprawling Tungsten Cities.
"I wonder what lies beyond that horizon," Kod would often wonder as he dusted bug killing acid-powder over the tough, rubbery radish leaves.
One evening, as Kod's family discussed their day's work around a fine dinner of mashed radishes and fried radish-weevils Kod asked his father if he could take his inheritance early, and go to seek his fortunes in far-off lands, beyond the horizon.
"We're are a prosperous family, son," his father told him, "but we are not a wealthy family."
"I know that, father," Kod replied, "But if it is all the same with
you, I would like to take my inheritance and see what the world has to offer me."
"As you wish." Kod's father conceded and the next morning he filled his largest wheelbarrow with the finest of all the farm's radishes. "Take these radishes, your inheritance, and seek your fortune. I hope it all works out for you son."
Kod beamed with joy as he set off down the mountainside in the
direction of the Tungsten Cities, wondering what adventures awaited him.
At the first city gate Kod was stopped by a guard who asked that he pay a toll to pass. "Holy shit," he exclaimed to the man, "a toll? All I have is this hundredweight of the finest radishes this side of the Tungsten Cities!"
"Very well," the guard told him, "I will take a quarter of your
radishes and you may pass. It is lucky for you that my wife is particularly fond of radish stew!"
So Kod gave up a quarter of his inheritance and passed through the gate.
He walked on through the city, where many beggars and burglars tried to take his radishes by force. But he was younger and stronger than all of them, so defended his inheritance with valour. Soon he saw that he was nearing the city boundary and he knew that he was about to leave the cities, and all that he had ever known, behind him. Sitting by the roadside was a blind old beggar with a flute.
"MMM!" said the beggar, leaping to his wizened old feet, "Is thems radishes I smell? Give old Barnikle a raddish!"
"I will do no such thing!" Kod bellowed, "These are my own special radishes, and nothing short of a miracle would part me from a single one. I already had to give up a quarter of them to get past the city, but I'll not give up any more!"
"A miracle you says?" the wrinkled, gnarled old man cackled. "Just
listen to my flute!"
And he played a melody so beautiful that Kod fell to his knees and wept tears of joy.
"How may I learn to play music like that?" Kod demanded.
"You need only have this magic flute and you will have the power to charm people with magical tunes," the old man told him, "I have no need of it now - I am too old and too weak to blow into it. Give me some of your radishes and I will give you the flute."
So the deal was done - Kod walked away with a magic flute and only half of his inheritance left.
Past the cities, Kod came across a vast lake. It was so huge that he could not see a way to walk around it. On a small island he saw a moored boat, so he called out to the boat-man who rowed across to meet him.
"Old man," Kod asked of the young girl at the oars, "will you take me across this enormous lake?"
"No sir," the girl replied, "unless you give me some of your fine
radishes - I have not seen their like for many moons."
Kod was worried - he had only half of his inheritance left, but it was worth nothing to him unless he could get beyond the lake to seek his fortune. "Very well," he sighed, "I will give you some radishes now, and more when we reach the other shore."
"I want half of you radishes, no more, no less!" The bitch demanded.
"HALF!" Kod choked! "I would rather swim in that case!"
"Well perhaps, if I throw this net into the bargain you will change
your mind" the girl drooled, as she looked greedily at his radishes.
She produced a small fishing net from under her cloak. She dunked it into the lake, and pulled out a fish made of solid gold, studded with many fine jewels. "This is a magic fishing net", she explained to the stunned Kod. "Fish that you catch with this net will be turned into precious golden, bejewelled items".
"It's fabulous!" Kod gasped. "How does it work?"
The old girl explained that it was to do with magic, which was a branch of science that she had studied in great depth. Kod agreed to the trade as he had great respect for science, and the girl ferried him and his
radishes across the lake.
Kod's load had become very light indeed by the time he reached a strange bright city. Having lost three quarters of his inheritance in exchanges, after the lake, he had had a great deal of trouble fending off birds and forest animals who had nipped and nibbled at his remaining radishes. By the time he entered the Bright City, he had only enough radishes to fill his pocket, so when a hooded figure stepped out of the bushes and asked him to give up his wheelbarrow, he barely hesitated to make a deal. In return for the wheelbarrow Kod got a fine pair of sturdy leather shoes.
He filled his pockets with radishes and continued into the city centre, where he saw a large crowd gathered around a brightly painted poster.
"Princess Seeks Suitors" the poster said "Must have great shoes, be an accomplished musician. Bring gifts."
Kod was overjoyed! What luck! He had a great new pair of shoes, a magic flute and the ability to collect a matching set of golden bejewelled fish.
The ball was to take place that very night, but alas all the tickets
had sold out.
"DAMNATION!!!" Kod roared "I would give every last one of these fineradishes just for the chance to meet the princess!"
Fortunately a strange man heard his screams of woe. "Radishes did you say? Keep your voice down! You'll have the whole town in hysterics - don't you know there has been a terrible radish famine in these parts - the people are ravenous for radishes - they'd kill you as soon as look at you for a taste of even a moulded dried up old pip of a radish!"
The strange man took Kod into his shop - a haberdashery - and told him that he would happily trade him his radishes for a fine suit and a ticket (which he happened to have purchased the previous day) to the ball. Kod agreed, but begged that he be allowed to keep just one radish as a memento of his father and brothers who he had left so far away. It was agreed.
The deal was done, and the man explained to Kod that in his city,
vegetables were prized more highly even than gold as the waterlogged soils and sulphuric air made them very difficult to grow. As Kod tried on his slick new suit, the haberdasher greedily ate up all the radishes, bar one that Kod kept in a secret hidden pocket, for luck.
Kod went to the ball.
The music, the lights, the elegant guests! It was the most fabulous party he had ever been too. He ate the sweetest of fruits, the stickiest of puddings and he drank delicious beverages that made his head spin as he danced with the lovely ladies in all their finery. In the middle of the dancing crowds, he caught a glimpse of the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, wearing a crown of wheat and a dress of the freshest lettuce leaves, he knew that she must be the princess and instantly fell in love.
Later in the evening, before the crowd dispersed there was an announcement. The princess had danced with many fine young men, but had been utterly unable to choose one that she preferred above all others, so to ecide the matter her father the King was going to set a challenge.
"You are all wealthy young men," the King roared, "but there can only be one winner today. He who can impress me with his wealth more than any other will wed my fair daughter!"
And so one after the other the young men presented tokens of their wealth, and Kod presented some of his fine golden fish. The king liked everything very much, but he still couldn't decide.
"He who can impress me most with his musical talents, will be he who will be wedded unto she, my daughter!" he declared.
And so the men produced musical instruments and began to tune up. Amongst the cacophony one sound rose and swelled and gripped the hearts and minds of all present - it was Kod's magic flute. Ashamed, the other men ran away, knowing that they could never beat that performance.
"My boy," the king declared "you have succeeded in winning my daughter's hand, but there is one more obstacle. You are no doubt aware that as it tradition requires, you must present me with two fine specimens of the city's rarest vegetable: the radish. Go, and fetch your radishes."
Kod was speechless. He had lost all but one of his radishes. His thoughts were in chaos, his pulse was racing. He could not give up the princess's hand now - not at any cost. He knew what he had to do. He had to give up a testicle and present it to the king in place of the radish. It might just work.
Unfortunately it didn't. Kod found himself sitting in a pool of his own testi blood with a clotted knife wound at his crotch. He had, whilst in a faint been robbed of his flute and fishing net. Someone had eaten his radish, leaving just a stalk behind. Heaving himself to his feet, he prepared for his journey home.
The moral is that you should never try to pass off a testicle as a radish.
Or, if someone asks for a radish, they don't want a testicle.
Or, if you're missing a testicle, you can't marry a princess.
Or, radishes are more valuable than testicles.
Or, (my favourite) any man who values radishes over his own testicles is a man who might have a great pair of shoes.
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Guns don't kill people, People kill people! Using Guns.
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