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  #31  
11-15-2009, 11:32 AM
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I like this story MA. This definitely has a dark feel to it, kind of like AO and AE.
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  #32  
11-28-2009, 02:06 PM
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Have you finished the story then MA? I would like to see it continue!
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Oh yeah, fair point. Maybe he was just tortured until he lost consciousness.

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  #33  
11-28-2009, 04:09 PM
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I'm waiting for more
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  #34  
11-30-2009, 11:23 AM
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sorry about the wait folks, i don't want to post too much in quick succession to make it easier on readers, but i didn't mean to leave it this long.

anywho;

-----

“Oh great! Leave me to tell ‘em the depressing bit!” Joe said, slightly outraged.

Muller and Crob looked at Joe, curious. Joe began his part of the story.

“Yeah, me and Relb left quickly, then a slig shot a mudokon.”

There was silence between them, the funny side of the story was over, even Muller had stopped sniggering. Then Crob spoke.

“Shit. Did you see it?”

“No. Just heard the gunshot.” Joe answered darkly.

“Get back to work!” Someone shouted from behind them.

Everyone turned around quickly, half expecting a slig to be standing there, soon realising Rol was winding them up.

“Hey Rol.” Muller said.

“Bloody hell! Is this the shiner crew or summat?” Rol said jokingly as he jumped down, looking at Relb’s black eye.

“He got into a fight at the canteen.” Crob informed.

“Oh yeah! I was gonna’ go in there but I heard shots fired, so I went the other way.” Rol told them.

“A mudokon was killed.” Crob said solemnly.

“Oh…well shit happens.” Rol answered insensitively.

“Wha?!” Joe exclaimed, half shocked.

“This is Rupture Farms, Joe. Not happy farms. People die, and you just gotta’ get used to it.” Rol said to Joe.

“That’s a bit harsh, Rol.” Muller said, out of his comfort zone.

“Oh for fucks sake! Are we gonna’ sit here mourning some fucking mudokon that we don’t even know?!” Rol said loudly, picking up the bottle of alcohol from the crate.

Crob stood up and pushed Rol, hard. He stumbled backwards, tripped over Muller’s foot and fell on his backside, spilling booze over his stomach. Muller gasped, and silence fell once more, Crob’s stocky form standing over Rol, breathing heavily and clenching his fists.

“Why did you do that?” Rol said quietly from the corner, his pride dented.

“It’s about time you showed some respect, mate.” Crob answered, not taking his eyes from Rol’s.

“Someone’s always gonna’ put you in your place if you act like that, Rol.” Joe said truthfully.

Rol looked at Joe from the floor, and his face contorted in rage. He stood up quickly, and took a deep swig from the bottle, scowling at Joe. Joe didn’t fancy getting into a fight with Rol, and so looked at the floor.

“C’mon everyone, lets just relax.” Relb said, trying to keep things pleasant.

Crob sat back down, and Rol wiped the spillage off his stomach.

“Well…I think now’s a good time to tell you what I’ve been thinking about.” Joe began.

“You’ve been thinking? Don’t strain yourself!” Rol remarked, to which Muller laughed.

Joe ignored this and carried on.

“What would you say to leaving Rupture Farms?”

Relb choked on his drink and Muller laughed nervously, as if wanting it to be a joke.

“Really?” Rol asked.

“Yeah. I mean it.” Joe answered.

“Your off your rocker, chump.” Rol said, taking another glug from the bottle.

“Joe,” Crob started. “We might be able to get past the stockyards, but there’s no way we’d get through the free-fire zone. Them sligs are fuckin’ evil.”

“Yeah, I had a friend that used to fix the fences in the stockyards.” Muller begun. “One night he was on the edge of the stockyards and free-fire zone and he said he saw the silhouette of a mudokon impaled on a stake.”

“I hear they skin any mudokons they find and feed ‘em to the slogs.” Relb joined.

“No no no…I reckon we should get past the stockyards, but then find a quiet part in the free-fire zone to live. I mean, we got food from the stockyards, and we got guns and cooking stuff we can pinch from the slig camps. The free-fire zone isn’t packed full of sligs, its just a few sligs here and there, setting up camps. We can do exactly the same.” Joe attempted to persuade.

“Yeah, but for how long?” Relb asked.

He looked worried.

“I don’t wanna’ have a stake forced through my stomach.” Muller said, suddenly out of character with the seriousness of the situation.

“Them sligs are fucking evil.” Rol repeated. “If they catch us, they wont shoot us, oh no! They’ll fucking skin us alive and hang us on a coil of razor wire!”

“Well there’s no point scaring ourselves. If Joe’s gonna’ do it, I’m goin’ with him.” Crob said valiantly.

Joe patted Crob on the shoulder, and Relb stood up.

“If you mean to do this, I gotta’ say, you got more guts than all of us…count me in.” Relb said, putting his tin can on the crate next to Muller and sitting back down.

“Well, if everyone else is…I spose I could-” Muller started before Relb spoke over him.

“Good mud! Good mud! Now its just Rol. Rol?” Relb said loudly.

Rol shook his head.

“Oh for shit sake! If everyone else is gonna’ kill ‘emselves then count me bastard in!”

“Right then,” Relb said, rubbing his hands together. “We’ll need weapons, ‘cus you can guarantee that we’ll bump into some sligs on the way outta’ here.”

“What about the weapon storeroom?” Rol asked Crob.

“No way, no way. There’s a keypad on the front and about three padlocks.” Crob informed them.

“Well I could always rob a few slig lockers.” Relb asked with a positive attitude.

“Yeah, I’ll try and get some weapons as well. I’ve got a handy contact.” Rol told them.

“Ok then,” Relb said. “Me and Rol will get the weapons. Everyone else, if you see anything worthwhile, take it.” He turned to Joe. “When we leaving?”

“Tomorrow night.” Joe replied.

-----

i know about the swearing, but it would be a massive pain to try and tone it down now; its all already written up.
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  #35  
11-30-2009, 04:49 PM
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Nah, the swearing's fine in this chapter.

Very good. So... how long do you plan to wait for the next chapter? A day? A week?

Not too long, I hope
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  #36  
12-01-2009, 07:15 AM
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Down-toning of swearing at this point is not really feasible. This seems interesting, and you really set the mood. But I'm not sure if mudokons would know all that much about weapons and how they work. You can only learn so much from watching sligs fire their's. A fine description of the free-fire zone too. Seems very accurate as well.
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  #37  
12-02-2009, 11:14 AM
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thanks folks, and yes, i can see how it may seem like they're gearing up for an 'Arnold Schwarzenegger-styled' escape, but when they say weapons they mean anything they can get their hands on. it'd be pretty hard to get their hands on guns, anyway.

-----

They polished off the rest of the bottle between them, and slept. Joe had a strange dream. He dreamt he had been caught by sligs in the free-fire zone, and that they were taking Joe to a tall, wooden stake sticking out of the ground.

The sligs were crowding around Joe, all jeering and shouting, then Joe noticed a face. It was Crob in the crowd. He called out to him, but Crob just smiled at him. it wasn’t a warm, comforting smile, it was an evil, sinister smile.

Then Joe was picked up by the feet as well as his arms and was being carried to the stake by sligs. He then noticed another face in the raging crowd of grimacing slig faces. It was Relb. Once again Joe called out to him, but Relb just winked at him. An unsettling wink, meaning there was a lot more for Joe to enjoy yet.

Joe came ever closer to the giant stake, and noticed yet another face in the crowd. It was Muller. Joe called out to him, but it was in vain. Muller laughed; not a cheerful laugh, but a deep, disturbing cackle.

Joe was right next to the Stake now, but before he was lifted up, he noticed another face in the crowd. It was Rol. He screamed out to him, terrified, but Rol spat in Joe’s face.

Joe was lifted up to the top of the stake, and he could feel its sharpened point pressing into his stomach. They began to pull Joe towards the floor. Joe let out a scream as the point began to slowly pierce his skin. He saw blood start to drip down onto the grassy ground, then he woke up.

Joe awoke with Crob’s concerned face looking down on him.

“Wake up. You were shouting in your sleep.” He said.

“Fucking hell, Joe! If your that scared, don’t bother coming!” Rol remarked as he climbed out of the hole and into the air vent passage.

“Give it a rest, Rol.” Crob answered.

Joe stood up from his position on the floor, and noticed that Relb was sitting on a crate, looking like he had just woke up, and Muller was asleep on the floor. Crob walked over to Muller and prodded him on the shoulder.

“C’mon Muller. Get up.”

“Why’s he always the last one to get up?” Relb moaned, rubbing his eyes.

Muller yawned and turned over.

“Oi!” Relb shouted, and pushed Muller with his foot.

“The buzzer hasn’t gone yet.” Muller mumbled in a sleepy daze.

The buzzer sounded.

“Ha ha! It has now! Come on Muller, you’ll have the sligs kickin’ seven shades o’ shit outta’ ya’ if you don’t get up.” Relb said, standing up and stretching.

“Wake up, Muller! If we go now we can get the best bits of meat from the canteen!” Joe said.

Muller stirred, and slowly got up, at which point Relb was already climbing out of the hole. Muller, Crob and Joe all went to the canteen together, while Relb went to fetch his equipment from wherever it was he left them the day before.

Joe walked into the canteen, his friends in tow, and was glad to see that there was no stain on the floor from the mudokon that had been shot the day before. The canteen was virtually empty, so he walked up to the hatch, took a large piece of cooked meat, and slapped it onto a metal tray, Crob and Muller doing likewise. They sat at a metal table by the wall, and ate.

“I haven’t had breakfast for a week, now.” Crob said, filling his mouth with the salty flesh.

“Yeah,” Muller began, mouth full. “Nor have I.”

Joe took a bite out of his meat, and chewed its tough density. He then spoke.

“I wonder what shit we’ll be cleaning up today?”

“I’ve gotta’ go back to this slig today, and ask him what to do.” Muller informed. “He told me yesterday to go back to his post for more work.”

“More like a beating. Be careful Muller, sligs are sneaky bastards.” Crob warned.

“No no no, he’s alright really! He gives me safe jobs, not like them other sadistic sligs.” Muller said, shovelling more meat into his mouth.

“Well, think of me when your doin’ whatever, ‘cus I’ve gotta’ oil and grease up a few meat saws, and then I’ve got to climb down a meat grinder shoot and unblock the stupid thing, while its still on!” Crob said in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Just make sure you don’t kill yourself, Crob. We need you for tonight.” Joe said, finishing off the last piece of his meat.

“Oh shit, yeah! I’d forgotten about that.” Crob told them.

“Oh…don’t remind me. I feel sick whenever I think about it. You do know we’re all gonna’ die.” Muller said, leaving the rest of his meat.

“Ah can it!” Crob said in reaction to this. “The only way we’ll all die is if we try and do it without being prepared. Rol and Relb are getting some weapons, we’ve got the brains of the operation,” Crob said as he pointed at Joe. “Behind us. Its gonna’ be fine!”

But Muller was right. It was very risky, and could ultimately lead to the bloody demise of all of them, at the hands of slig guards. Joe got butterflies in his stomach as he thought of this.

“You alright?” Crob asked. “You’ve gone quiet?”

“Its nothing.” Joe lied. “Lets go before the sligs come in to eat.”

-----

rather long.
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  #38  
12-02-2009, 12:44 PM
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Though it appears to lack a bit of actual "Happening" (I can't find the word at the moment) it really kind of helps to build up the suspense from the last chapter, and if this was a real book, I'd be on my toes at this point.
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  #39  
12-02-2009, 01:04 PM
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If this was a real book I'd buy it. Good job MA.
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  #40  
12-09-2009, 05:41 PM
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cheers you two. and god, please don't say you're feeling suspense building up for the end, because i just know the ending is going to be a massive anticlimax. i may try to rewrite it, as i am not too happy with it.

to be honest, i'm not too happy with this whole thing. its alright, but i don't think it holds a candle to Glory Slig. i poured what i had into that, this one seems more like an experimental story. more effort next time i think.

anywho;

-----

Joe gathered his bucket and cloth from walkway nine, noticing the corpse had been removed. He wondered who took the dead bodies in Rupture Farms, and assumed they must have been busy. Joe visited the water tank to refill his bucket with fresh water, that’s when a slig approached him.

“You! Get down to the factory line in processing. They need another hand to work the conveyor belt since that last chump got crushed.” The slig barked at Joe.

Joe couldn’t help himself, curiosity getting the better of him, and asked how the mudokon got crushed.

“Not that it matters, but the fan belt bust and made the giant propeller fall out and kill him. Now get goin’!” The slig informed, sharply.

Joe left his bucket and cloth at the water tank, probably not needing it ever again if things went well tonight, and set off for the processing section of Rupture Farms.

Joe spent the rest of the day in front of a massive propeller that had fallen on the ground, motionless. The body was still underneath it, to Joe’s disgust, and a pool of blood surrounded it. Joe tried not to look, but whenever he did look, he only saw the cold dead feet, the rest hidden under the mass of iron.

Working the conveyor belt in processing consisted of pulling a lever all day once you had checked the random piece of meat for any cartilage or unwanted products. If the meat did have some cartilage, you had to blast it off with the water hose and then pull the lever for the next piece of meat to come through.

The meat itself was huge, bigger than a mudokon, and had random bones jutting out from the sides. Some looked like rib cages, others just looked like a bony mass of meat.

Eventually, the buzzer sounded, and Joe walked in procession with the other mudokons that had been working on the conveyor belt, towards the exit of the processing section, as it was one of the sections on the edge of Rupture Farms territory.

Joe wasn’t feeling hungry, and was in fact feeling very nervous. Later that day he would either be dead or free. A stark contrast. He did not stop off at the canteen, and went straight to the hole.

“Hello, trooper!” Relb welcomed Joe when he entered the hole.

“Alright. Been on the conveyor belt in processing all day. Boring as hell.” Joe replied.

Relb was standing by a crate in the corner, while Muller was leaning against the crate that the tin cans were on, looking at his feet, fidgeting.

“Whats up, Muller? Nervous?” Joe asked.

“What? Oh…I dunno, I’ve never done anything like this before.” He answered rather nervously.

“Hey, Joe! Why weren’t you at the canteen?” Crob shouted as he jumped down into the hole.

“Oh, you know, weren’t that hungry after this morning.” Joe said, still looking at Muller.

“We really gonna’ do this?” Crob asked, looking from Joe to Relb, who was now sitting on the crate in the corner.

“We certainly are.” Relb answered plainly.

“Well, its better than this dump, aint it?” Joe said in an attempt to console them.

“Evening!” Rol yelled to them all as he jumped into the hole.

“Hello mouth.” Crob said sarcastically.

“Guess what I’ve got!” Rol said, excited at the prospect of gathering weapons and escaping from Rupture Farms.

“What?” Joe asked.

Rol pulled three different knives out of his loincloth, and placed them spread out on the crate Muller was leaning against.

Now we’ll show these sligs who’s boss!” Rol added as everyone else looked at the knives.

“Where’d you get ‘em?” Muller asked, picking one up that had a black handle and serrated edge.

“Swapped a pack of smokes for them.” Rol informed, beaming.

“Jeez, I didn’t know you were that easily pleased.” Relb commented, stealing Rol’s thunder.

“Oh yeah! Well if your so good, show us what you got!” Rol said, picking up a knife with a carved wooden handle and tucking it in his loincloth.

“I’d be careful what you put down there, Rol!” Crob said, laughing and picking up the last knife, which had a brass handle.

“I’ll show you what I got!” Relb said, then taking something out the back of his loincloth.

He pulled out a large pistol.

“Whoa!” Muller exclaimed as the others gasped.

“Shitting hell! Where the hell did you get that?!” Rol said, outraged that Relb had beaten him.

“I told you I’d rob a few lockers! Had to go through about five before I found somethin’ worth while though.” Relb said, showing off his new toy.

“Hang on a minute! Where’s my weapon?” Joe asked, it suddenly dawning on him that he was the only one without a weapon.

“Do you really think you’d actually use it if you had one?” Rol asked, a spiteful look on his face. “You aint got the guts, mate.”

“Oh leave it out, Rol! Not before we fucking go to our deaths!” Crob said, ceasing any further advances in the argument.

Then there was a retching sound, to which Relb made a sound in disgust. Joe, Crob and Rol all turned around to see that Muller had vomited all over the floor, and stood there, bent over.

“Fucking hell! You ok Muller?” Joe asked.

“Yeah, I’m…I’m fine. Just give me a minute.” He said, still bent over, looking at his breakfast.

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to!” Relb said mercifully.

“And where would I go if you lot left? I’d be here on my own.” Muller replied, then looking at the factory roof high above, saliva and sick hanging from his open mouth.

“Jeez, wipe your mouth Muller.” Crob said, frowning at Muller’s display.

Muller wiped his mouth, and looked at his knife.

“Ha ha! You ok now, Muller?” Rol said, unhelpfully.

“You really do pick the moments, don’t ya’ Rol.” Crob said, as Rol laughed.

“Ok then. Are we gonna’ do it?” Joe asked, to which he received four nods. “Alright, lets go.”
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  #41  
12-09-2009, 06:27 PM
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It's good! I feel the suspense building up for the end...
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  #42  
12-09-2009, 06:42 PM
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This story actually holds my attention, i'm shocked your losing interest. but i know how you feel, the first story you write is always the favorite. when i try to write a different story, i still much rather be working on TOAMM. which is why i never bothered entering the fanfic competition. I know it's not the greatest fanfic, but you have to try to see it through to the end.
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  #43  
12-19-2009, 01:33 PM
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I think we all have this problem after we write our first story... It's never quite the same next time. When I wrote the first MM, I was completely ecstatic (Let me know if I'm not using that right) and couldn't wait to wirte the next chapter and feel that same feeling. Around the end it felt more like a burden, but when you let it off, it becomes enourmus satisfaction. Then MM2 came along, which felt more like a public service that made you happy. And when I got as far as I did, it felt more like something was missing... I couldn't put my finger on it, but something just wasn't right.

On the other hand, when I wrote the competetion entry, nothing seemed gone. Everything I wanted was there, just not the same materials as before, if you know what I mean. Something about it was exceptional.

Maybe this is an expiremental story. "Radical succes" is my evaluation if that is the case. At least for the time being. Considering that you've already written the chapters, I see no reason why you shouldn't continue, and I sincerely apologize for being late as well.
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  #44  
12-20-2009, 08:54 AM
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i agree with everything you've said, Oddey, especially your first paragraph. that's exactly how i felt, too. its the same reason why i won't make a story-like prequel to Glory Slig, as i fear i may ruin the original by making something not up to scratch, or like you say, for the sake of public service. you need something to be there to make you passionate about your work in order for it to be any good, i think.

that's why if i do make a prequel to it, it will be set in the style of a detailed time line to satisfy reader curiosity, and i would enjoy making it. it may even interest people who have never heard about it to read it. who knows.

and i greatly appreciate your comments, Mr. Odd and Ench. something as simple as knowing your writing is being enjoyed by someone out there does indeed encourage you to continue.

-----

They crept through the air vent passage, down the ladder, and out towards the fenced off vat of fuel and intense pipe work. They turned left here, and into a corridor with wires hanging down from the ceiling.

It had been a long time since Joe had been to the stockyards, and he hoped he still knew the way. The last time he’d been there was to fix a wire fence in an empty pen after the last mudokon got killed by a scrab.

They reached the end of the corridor, when Rol said something.

“You scared, Joe?” He whispered.

“Why would I be scared? You’re the one that should be scared ‘cus you're following me.” Joe said back to him, annoyed that he would say something so stupid at such a dangerous time.

Joe looked behind him, and saw Crob, Rol and Muller stooped with their knives out, whilst Relb was at the back, pistol in hand. What a crew, he thought. Rol was right, any slig that bumped into them was dead meat. At least that’s what he thought.

They took a right after the corridor, and turned down another, long corridor, with flickering lights and graffiti on the walls, most probably sprayed by hardened stockyard worker mudokons. They were close.

As they reached the end of the corridor, Joe heard the sound of talking sligs. He panicked, and motioned to the others to run back, but it was too late. Three sligs had already turned the corner and literally walked into them.

Joe jumped backwards and landed on his back, scrambling to get away from the sligs, as Crob, brave as he was, attacked the sligs head on. Rol and Muller lurched towards the sligs also, and Relb fired a shot from behind which deafened Joe temporarily in the confined space.

Crob was trying to wrestle the gun off one slig, as Rol plunged his knife deep into the neck of the other slig, blood squirting from the gash but plugged with the knife, covering Rol’s hand and arm. The slig fell to the ground as the third slig hit Muller around the head with the barrel of his rifle making him stumble backwards.

Joe watched in horror as the slig fired two shots into Muller’s chest, and Muller fell to the ground, dead, blood smothered and pouring from the bullet wounds in his chest. Crob managed to push the slig away from him, and then stabbed him numerous times in the stomach, making the slig drop his rifle and fall to his knees, crying out in pain.

Relb fired another two deafening shots at the third slig, one shot hitting him in the shoulder. The slig counteracted this by shooting Relb in the face at close range, leaving a bloody crater where his nose should have been. Rol slashed the third sligs throat in one smooth action, causing blood to spray all up the walls and ceiling, covering the graffiti. The slig fell forwards onto his face, and pushed Rol backwards, who fell onto the knife still clutched in Muller’s hand.

Crob kicked the screaming slig in the face, knocking him unconscious where he would bleed to death. Joe stood up, and felt like he was going to throw up, as Crob ran to Rol, the only other one still alive.

-----

fighting again, like a lot of my stories. and i nearly forgot, i've got each character's profile written up and finished, so i'll post them once i've finished this. they give you an insight into each of their pasts, and display information like ages, likes, dislikes, etc.

thanks folks!
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  #45  
12-20-2009, 10:19 AM
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Quite the gritty style you're known for... Two survivors... Will they give up or continue? Are they to escape? Will they be gunned down too? Or will the free-fire zone prove to much for them? All to be answered in time I hope.

We all need encouragement, no matter how much we rage on about writing it for the fun of it. That fun is amplified when others read it and grant you their words of wisdom. Fun is best served shared.
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  #46  
12-22-2009, 04:01 PM
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Ouch! Good chapter
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  #47  
01-04-2010, 12:53 PM
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tar folks. and Oddey, there's no need for an apology, chap. you visit in your own time, i know what its like to feel obligated to read something.

-----

Joe looked at the carnage all around him; The two dead sligs lay with their throats slashed in a pool of blood, the other unconscious with a gory mess protruding from the wounds in his stomach. Relb lay flat on his stomach with no face, and Muller on his back, dead eyes staring above and reflecting the flickering lights.

Joe knelt next to Rol, and asked him,

“Where are you hurt?”

“My…my back. I think…I think I’ve landed on Mullers knife.” He said slowly, staring up at the blood splattered ceiling.

Joe tried to lift him, but he yelled out, and so left him.

“Is it lodged in your spine? Can you feel your legs?” Crob asked, face stricken with worry.

“I don’t…know” Rol answered, frowning.

“Try and move your toes, Rol. Come on, move your toes.” Crob said quickly.

Joe had never seen him like this.

“I…cant…jeez.” He stuttered.

“Oh no. Its in his spine. Its in his spine, Joe. What are we gonna do?” Crob repeated under his breath, clearly panicking and rubbing his face.

“Calm down. Lets just concentrate on helping Rol.” Joe said, with a level head.

“There’s…one thing you…can do for me.” Rol said, with a slight smile. “Give me a fag.”

“Sure Rol! Where are they?” Joe asked, trying not to think about the possibility that this could be the last time he ever spoke to Rol.

“They’re tucked…in…behind me.” He said, closing his eye’s.

“Ok, this might hurt.” Joe said as he lifted Rol slightly to get to the pack of cigarettes tucked in behind his loincloth.

He pulled out the ‘Lungbuster’s’ packet, and drew one out. He lit it with the lighter inside the packet, and put it between Rol’s lips.

“Thanks pal.” He said, slurring his speech slightly. “Do you…want one?” He asked Crob, whilst the fag stuck out between his lips.

“I’ve told ya’, I don’t smoke…you dumb bastard.” Crob joked, now slightly calmer than he was before.

A smile played on Rol’s lips, and he opened his eyes again.

“You probably…wanted me to die…didn’t ya’…Joe?” Rol asked Joe, his eyes starting to look vacant.

“What?! No! I would nev-” Joe began.

“I know we haven’t…always seen eye to eye, and…that I’ve took the piss…out of you and…been pretty spiteful at times…but I’ve always seen…you as a friend. Please, please…don’t forget me.” Rol said slowly.

“I wont.” Joe said, tears in his eye’s.

“It was a good…plan, Joe. Don’t…blame yourself.” Rol commented.

Joe tried to say ‘thankyou’, but he couldn’t get the words out for this lump in his throat.

“Did I do well?” Rol asked, looking at their faces.

“You did brilliant, mate! You took out two sligs!” Crob reassured.

“Better than me.” Joe said, ashamed of himself.

“You’re the…brains of the operation…we’re the…fighters. You…did good.” Rol said. “Go.” He said, suddenly looking more alert.

“What?” Crob said in disbelief.

“Go! They’ll be…more of them bastards soon! Just…go!” Rol demanded.

“He’s right.” Joe said. As hard as it was to say, it had to be said, and if Rol was in his position, he would have done the same.

“Right.” Crob said, standing up and looking lost.

“See ya’.” Rol said.

Rol laughed, and then spluttered. It went against everything Joe knew to leave Rol dying, but there was no use all of them ending the same way. No matter how cold it sounded.

Joe stood up, not saying a word, not daring to speak in case his voice wavered. He knew no matter how many times Rol may have been cruel to him, or no matter how much he may have been lacking in morals, he just knew that if Rol saw him upset, it would tear his conscience in half.

“Follow me.” Joe managed to say to Crob.

-----

MEH

i had to rewrite some of this chapter, as it just didn't flow well and some things were bogged down with unnecessary details. this should read better now, though. i honestly don't know what i was on when i wrote this in 2008, because i need to majorly redo the ending, that's for sure; its terrible, to put it simply.

thanks for reading.
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  #48  
01-04-2010, 04:15 PM
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I really liked that chapter. It was.. uh.. good. :P Really good!
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  #49  
01-05-2010, 05:05 AM
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Almost stereotyped, but the tasteful kind.

Sometimes you'll do something that seemed like a good idea at the time. At least with writing you can undo it easier.
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  #50  
04-23-2010, 07:24 AM
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righto, i think its about time i finished this.

i did some major editing to the ending, but i'm not sure what to think of it. critics welcome.

---

Crob picked up the pistol with his bloody hands, taking it from Relb’s dead fingers.

The only thing stopping himself from giving up was Crob. He’d led nearly all of his friends to their deaths due to his less than adequate plan and dream of freedom. But there was only one way to go, now. Forwards.

Joe picked up one of the fallen rifles from the dead and dying sligs and led the way. They walked in silence, and even though their bodies were coursing with adrenaline, they made no sound.

Joe led Crob down another corridor, and passed a metal sign reading ‘Stockyards’. He turned left and then right, and eventually reached a metal door. Joe turned to Crob and said,

“Right, this is it. Whatever's out there, we’ve gotta’ get past it and get to the free-fire zone. Then we’re free. You ready?”

Joe looked into Crob’s eyes in the dim light. They were filled with terror and excitement. He put his hand on Crob’s shoulder and repeated,

“Ready?”

“Yeah. Lets get it over and done with.” Crob said, a slight tremble in his voice.

Joe was petrified, but seemed to be keeping a level head. He wasn’t about to question this fact, and decided to go on before he drowned in the sea of danger they were attempting to traverse. They had to reach the free-fire zone.

Joe opened the door, and expected to see a whole platoon of sligs waiting for him, making him bullet fodder, but he saw nothing but fences and barbed wire for a good distance. The only way through the stockyards was narrow, metal walkways, perched above the pens. The pens contained various different animals awaiting their inevitable doom, and this anxious waiting made them more vicious than natural.

The dark night sky was the backdrop to this scene, and consisted of a number of different moons, silhouetting a row of four legged towers stretching out into the distance, to which use they were, Joe did not know. The open doorway was a few feet above the walkway, and so Joe and Crob jumped down.

The walkway was old and rusted, and had patches of moss growing on it’s surface. Joe noticed they were above a pen full of paramites. Their webbing covering the wire mesh fence and corners. Then Joe heard a growl. He and Crob looked behind them to see three slogs sat next to their master: a sleeping slig.

The slig suddenly woke up, and Joe and Crob froze. The slig sat bolt upright, seeing the two mudokons, and scrambled for his gun lying beside him, shouting,

“Get ‘em! Kill ‘em!”

The slogs immediately gave chase to them, and Joe and Crob’s quick reactions were the only things that saved their skin. They heard shots fired from behind them as they ran along the walkway towards the end of the stockyards, and the beginning of the free-fire zone. Joe felt bullets pass his body, zipping past with streaks of cold, night air.

“Don’t stop running!” Joe shouted to Crob, just behind him, quite breathless.

The slogs continued to chase them, barking in a violent frenzy, hoping they could catch their prey and rip them limb from limb. Then Joe noticed that the walkway came to an end just before them, and there was a gap over the top of a large pen before the walkway continued once more.

“Shit!” Crob yelled, sprinting, running out of walkway.

“Jump!” Joe shouted, suddenly leaping off the edge of the walkway and landing inside the pen.

Joe looked behind him to see Crob jump off the edge also, but saw something much more frightening than slogs. They were in the same pen as a huge scrab. The scrab made a strange noise that Joe had never heard before, and then howled. A blood curdling sound that made Joe’s chest vibrate and his legs shake.

“Leg it!!” Crob cried, turning around and running towards the other end of the pen.

He jumped up the fence and hoisted himself up onto the walkway, then holding his hand out to Joe. Joe ran towards him, and heard the muscle bound creature behind running towards him, its four legs making a galloping sound. Joe leapt up the fence and grabbed Crob’s arm, his feet trying to find grip on the wire mesh fence.

“Aaaargh!” Crob called out as he lifted Joe with all his might out of the pen and to relative safety.

The scrab skidding to a halt just before the fence. Then Joe and Crob watched in relief as the three slogs chasing them fell into the pen and were ripped to pieces by the dominant scrab.

Joe turned his head away when he saw spurting blood and heard the whimpering of the slogs as they were devoured. Crob watched intently, smiling, and then laughing. He finally took his eyes off the gruesome sight, and lay on his back, laughing and panting.

“We did it! We fucking did it! Fuck Rupture Farms! We’re free!!” Crob shouted towards the night sky, shaking his arms in a signal of victory.

“We’re not out of the woods, yet. We still gotta’ get out of the stockyards and find a quiet part of the free-fire zone.” Joe said, bringing the mood down.

“Well, we’ve done the worst bit.” Crob said, sitting up.

“C’mon Crob, lets get going.” Joe said, reminding himself of the friends he had lost.

Joe and Crob made their way along the walkway, gazing below them at the different animals penned up and hungry. Eventually they reached the end of the walkway, and saw campfires lit on the dark knolls, grassy spaces and rocks before them. The Free-Fire Zone. Silhouettes of pieces of wood protruding from the earth with ropes hanging from them, coils of razor wire could be seen, and sligs moving about their camps in the distance could also be spotted.

Joe and Crob jumped down off the walkway, and onto the soft ground. They padded towards a large boulder planted in the ground when Crob spoke.

“You know I’m really gonna’ love it here.” He said to Joe, who could make out a smile on his face in the darkness.

“I know.” Joe replied. “We got all the food we need in the stockyards, weapons from the sligs in the free-fire zone, and cooking stuff. Its just a shame Relb and the others weren’t able to make it.”

Joe heard loud gunshots coming from somewhere close by, and instinctively dived behind the boulder. He looked up, ears ringing, to see Crob fall to his knees, blood glistening and reflecting the moonlight from his chest and stomach. He then fell forwards onto his face, stone dead.

“Crob!” Joe screamed, lying on the mossy ground in the shadow of the boulder, only able to see Crob's dead feet.

“I got him! I got him!” A slig shouted.

“Was there two? Did you get both of ‘em?” Another slig yelled.

“I dunno. Didn’t you hear him scream?” The other slig answered.

Joe crawled under a bush just next to the boulder, his cowardice taking over once more, and waited. The sligs arrived, dragged the body back to their camp, and did not return. Joe crept off to find a secluded area, crying, submerged in his own sorrow and self pity.

Joe was never heard from again, and was one of the very few mudokons able to escape from Rupture Farms. Joe was a coward, and always will be, if he's still alive. He may be hung on razor wire somewhere in the Free-Fire Zone, or he may be living fine, just like he had planned. One thing is certain, though. His cowardice saved his life, but for a price. That price is obvious.

The End.

---

hmm. dunno. a contributing factor to me not liking this could be to do with the fact i didn't plan it very well. that may be it.
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  #51  
04-23-2010, 01:40 PM
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The End. Doesn't everybody love happy endings like this one?
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  #52  
04-23-2010, 02:05 PM
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What a dark ending. I guess it was bound to happen considering this has been a dark story. Well done, this was an interesting story. What makes this stand out was it's tragic story line.
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  #53  
04-23-2010, 02:13 PM
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i seem to have a habit of making unhappy/dark endings. but i suppose an ending where they escape as planned could have been obvious. like i say, i don't know what to think of it. also: thanks for reading!

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The End. Doesn't everybody love happy endings like this one?
that made me laugh.
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  #54  
04-23-2010, 02:36 PM
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After three months the conclusion to this epic sega, well done!
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Oh yeah, fair point. Maybe he was just tortured until he lost consciousness.

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