The Joke thread -

Josh · #**331** 01-27-2010, 07:43 AM

How about 'Talentless Cuntsacks'?

MeechMunchie · #**332** 01-28-2010, 08:52 AM

'Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth!'
'Really? And how has this been inconveniencing you?'
'Well... It hasn't really. In fact I feel better than I did before.'
'Well, if there's no problem then why are you here?'
'Oh, the light was on.'

What do you call a rich German?
Mark.

What's a cat's favorite letter?
μ.

Grieva · #**333** 01-28-2010, 12:51 PM

:

What do you call a rich German who's living in the past or maybe time travelled from pre-2002?
Mark.

Yes, the Euro makes it easier to travel between countries, but look at the cost^

MeechMunchie · #**334** 01-29-2010, 08:24 AM

Oh, just enjoy the joke will you? Of course I know they don't use Deutsche Mark anymore.

Ridg3 · #**335** 01-29-2010, 09:07 AM

:

How about 'Talentless Cuntsacks'?

I think that term is used for all Disney bands

abe is now! · #**336** 01-30-2010, 03:15 AM

A little kid ask his mum: "Mum, why my skin is black and yours is white?" "Oh dear, as far as I remember of that party, is a miracle that you don't bay!"

Gwan-Thwei · #**337** 02-01-2010, 06:44 PM

WAIT WAIT I finally Got one... BTW I don't know how to do spoiler bars or whatever, and since no one has been using them for a while, is it okay?

Anyway, a little boy walks in on his parents having sex. He screams and runs out of the room crying. His mom climbs off and runs off to ask the boy what's wrong. The little boy says 'Mommy, why were you jumping up and down on Daddy?'
The mom says, 'Well, uh, I was....Jumping up and down to get all of the air out of him!'
The little boy smiles and says 'You might want to tell the neighbor that, because every day at lunchtime she comes over to blow him back up again.'

HAW HAW HAW ignorance is bliss...

enchilado · #**338** 02-01-2010, 06:53 PM

I got a good one! Little John Thomas walks in on his parents have sex. When they spot him they stop and the dad says, "Uh... son?"

Little Johnny starts to cry, and his dad says, "Look, I'm sorry son. Adults just do this kind of thing..."

"It's not that!" says little Johnny. "She said she'd never cheat on me!"

HO HO HO HO I JUST MADE THAT ONE UP

Ridg3 · #**339** 02-02-2010, 01:21 AM

:

WAIT WAIT I finally Got one... BTW I don't know how to do spoiler bars or whatever...

[spoiler ]text here[ /spoiler] only without the spaces mate.

It must be sad to live the life Micheal Jackson lived, like a Scooby Doo villian, you know, skulking about an abandoned funfair wearing a plastic face.

oooohhhhhh that was dark.

OddjobAbe · #**340** 02-02-2010, 07:12 AM

Paddy's driving along, when he sees a lorry. He drives up next to the lorry, and winds down his window. "You're losing your load!" he shouts.
"Fuck off!" the lorry driver tells him and continues.
A few more miles up, and Paddy tells him again. "You're losing your load!"
"Piss off!"
A few more miles up, Paddy tells him again. "Listen mate, you're losing your load!"
"Fuck off you daft Irish twat, I'm gritting the road!"

MA · #**341** 02-02-2010, 07:27 AM

that one made me chuckle for a good while.

i don't know if this one has been told;

a farm hand phones his boss and tells him "i've ran over a pig, and its stuck under the tractor, still alive. what should i do?", his boss replies "shoot the thing, and then bury it".

the farm hand phones his boss back half an hour later. "done that, what should i do with his fucking speed camera?"

MeechMunchie · #**342** 02-02-2010, 08:21 AM

How do you blindfold a Chinaman?
Dental floss.

Gwan-Thwei · #**343** 02-03-2010, 06:46 PM

Okay, I know that this one's not really all that funny, but it's all I could think of.

A mother and her son walk into a Mcdonalds. While the mother orders the food, the boy plays in the ball pit. When the mother sits down witht their meals, the boy is crying and holding his butt. The mother cannot find out what is wrong, but thinks that something probably bruised it and she promises the boy that she will look at it when she gets home.
So, when they DO get home, the mother removes the boys pants and sees two small red marks, wide apart like a snake bite. She takes him to the doctors and they give him the antidote for rattlesnake venom. Outraged that the boy was bitten by a rattlesnake in a regulated restaurant, she calls up the manager at that McDonalds, and lets them have it.

"Oh, you're son is very lucky," says the manager on the phone. [spoiler]"One kid today got eaten by a Shark in there."[spoiler]

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! the spoiler didn't work and now it looks stupid! what did I do wrong?

Phylum · #**344** 02-03-2010, 10:01 PM

the second one needs to be /spoiler

click on the quote button to see how I do it

Gwan-Thwei · #**345** 02-04-2010, 08:21 PM

Thank you. I'll try again...

There are two cows standing out in a field. One says to the other 'So, how do you feel about all of this Mad Cow disease going around?'

The other one says 'Who cares? I'm an Effing Hellicopter!'

Sorry, It's all I could think of...

Josh · #**346** 02-04-2010, 10:34 PM

What should you do if giant patches of grass are slowing your internet speed?
Modem.

Gwan-Thwei · #**347** 02-07-2010, 02:19 PM

HAW HAW HAW I just heard the funniest one, literally just a few minutes ago.

Okay, so there's this big line and the golden gates in heaven, and everyone is trying to get in. God comes out and announces that heaven is really crowded and backed up at the moment, so only people who suffered really horrible deaths can be let in today.

A man walks up who looks perfectly fine. God asks him how he died. The man says "Well, I came home from a long day at work and saw another car in the driveway. I thought that my wife was cheating on me, so I started looking for the guy. When I go downstaris, I hear someone race across upstairs towords the balcony. I go back upstairs and see a guy in a dirty uniform hanging off of the edge of the balcony so i started stamping on his fingers. He's still hanging, so I go a hammer and started hitting his fingers, and finally he falls. But i was really mad and I wanted himn to die, so I pushed the refrigerator to the edge of the balcony to make it fall on him, but all that work made me have a heart attack and i died." God replies "oh dear, that sounds very traumatic! Please go right on in." And the man does.

The second man comes up looking all bloody and with smashed and painful looking fingers. God asks for his story. The guy says " Well, a woman calls me up and says that her husband has been complaining about their dish and she asks me to come out and take a look at it. So I come out and get up on the roof and start fixing their satalite when i hear lots of funny noises coming from the room below me. I lean over the edge to get a better look in the window, and I see the woman and a guy having sex in the bedroom. Well, just then I slip and fall, bbut I managed to hang onto the edge of the balcony below. I hear a car pull up, hear someone run across the kitchen floor, hear a fridge open, and I see this guy running at me. I thought 'Oh god please let this guy help me up' but before I can say anything he starts stamping on my fingers. Of course I don't want to fall, so I hold on tighter, but then the guy gets a hammer and starts hitting my fingers with it. And I fall, but i was okay, so I start to get up but then I hear this scraping noise and I see a fridge being pushed to the edge of the balcony. The guy never pushed it over, but he must have passed out or something because he fell on it and it fell on me." God says " Oh dear, that was even worse than the guy before you, please go right on in."

Another guy walks up, but he's naked and covered in food. god asks him for his story. the guy says "Well, I was having an affair with this guy's wife, but then she tells me that her husband got home an that I should go hide. Well, I run across the hallway and I hear the husband coming up the stairs, so i hid in the fridge..."

Kimon · #**348** 02-07-2010, 06:44 PM

:

Paddy's driving along, when he sees a lorry. He drives up next to the lorry, and winds down his window. "You're losing your load!" he shouts.
"Fuck off!" the lorry driver tells him and continues.
A few more miles up, and Paddy tells him again. "You're losing your load!"
"Piss off!"
A few more miles up, Paddy tells him again. "Listen mate, you're losing your load!"
"Fuck off you daft Irish twat, I'm gritting the road!"

I had to do some serious translation for this one

enchilado · #**349** 02-08-2010, 02:22 AM

A black man walks into a bar.

Wings of Fire · #**350** 02-08-2010, 02:25 AM

Enchilado.

MeechMunchie · #**351** 02-08-2010, 08:25 AM

The Bush Pesidency.

abe619 · #**352** 02-22-2010, 01:02 PM

what does jeff dunham's pruise sound like when his driving it by?
I AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM gay

OANST · #**353** 02-22-2010, 01:33 PM

What is better than having sexual relations with an extremely attractive person of the gender that you are attracted to?

Being eaten by them! Am I right?!

abe619 · #**354** 02-23-2010, 04:04 AM

yes ur very very right MR. not so tasty.
the only difference between jews and muslims is thatjews never want to spend any money, and muslims never have any money to spend

MA · #**355** 02-23-2010, 05:49 AM

mental patient in an insane asylum. nurse finds him with his dick between 2 crackers.
"what are you doing?" she asks, shocked.
"i'm fucking crackers!"

OH GOD

OddjobAbe · #**356** 02-23-2010, 07:04 AM

Two fish are swimming along. One swims into a concrete wall. Damn.
That one works better spoken.

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers.

MeechMunchie · #**357** 02-23-2010, 12:21 PM

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

***Nate*** · #**358** 02-23-2010, 01:10 PM

:

yes ur very very right MR. not so tasty.
the only difference between jews and muslims is thatjews never want to spend any money, and muslims never have any money to spend

Except for, you know, Dubai, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Kuwait, Oman... need I go on?

Ridg3 · #**359** 02-23-2010, 01:25 PM

:

Two fish are swimming along. One swims into a concrete wall. Damn.
That one works better spoken. <---- Greatest punchline evar XD

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers.

An Irishman and an Englishman were walking along hand in hand 'cause they're best friends and they stumble across a mirror....Englishman picks it up and peers into it saying, "I recognise him, but I can't put a name to the face." Irishman picks it up and looks, he say's,"It's me you daft twat!"

Josh · #**360** 02-23-2010, 10:31 PM

I've written a book about sexism.

It even has pictures, so women can enjoy it too.