Ladies and gentlemen, that time has come! The results are in, the scores are counted, the... some other third thing... Anyway, on with the show!
Our first (hopefully) annual fanfiction competition received four submissions, which were as follows...
'The Answer' by Oddey
'Attempted Escapee #224' by MeechMunchie
Krieg's Escapade' by Scrabtrapman
'Nabbed' by AlexFili
The stories were judged by our amazing panel of judges,
Dripik
Gretin
Ajiellyn
T-nex
Before we go any further, I would like to declare by undying thanks to the judges' without you guys giving up your time and energy, none of this could have happened! You guys rock many socks!
THE LONG-AWAITED RESULTS!!!
Judges awarded points based on five categories...
Characters – How believable are the characters?
Plot – How creative and believable is the storyline of your entry?
Quality of writing – How easy is it to read?
Use of the ‘captured’ theme – How well do you incorporate the theme into your story?
Reader’s enjoyment – How much pleasure did the judges get from reading it?
They awarded 10 points for each, so 50 points to each story.
So each story was awarded a total of 200 points.
So in reverse order...
In fourth place, with 123 points, was Scrabtrapman with 'Krieg's Escapade'!
In third place, with 137 points, was MeechMunchie with 'Attempted Escapee #224'!
In second place, with 147 points, was AlexFili with 'Nabbed'!
So our winner with 156 points, was Oddey with 'The Answer'!!!
Congratulations, Oddey! You are the winner of FC's first fanfiction competition! Your name will go into the 'Links' thread as the winner of this competition, and in a few years time if I make a 'hall of fame' thread, it'll go in there, too!
THE ENTRIES
So here are the stories, in alphabetical order. More details on the points are given below the story. Also, each judge was given the opportunity to comment on each story (if they wanted to) and their remarks are also included after each one.
The Answer
By Oddey
Chapter 1
The lone four armed creature was out of his house. If you could call the wreckage of the vehicle a house. He had made about three months ago. But he was always adding onto it. Now, it looked rather like something an insane person might have found to look like a sort of apartment. This was all very well, because the four armed creature was insane. He was barely even aware of the fact that it was pouring down with rain, though he would occasionally look up, then he would dust off his shoulders, as if to get rid of the rain. His mind was probably still full of knowledge, for he was a vykker, but his motives had been altered. He lived life, not for money, but for fun. If anything, he was out for a pleasure stroll.
Whatever the reason, he was insane, and he lived there. By the edge of a forest. Just a year ago, he would have turned his nose up to such a place, but now? No. This was a fine place to take a vacation or maybe even spend his life, he thought. He was content to live in the middle of nowhere, cut off from society.
He swooped down, so suddenly, you'd have thought his whole upper body had disappeared. With his head inches from the ground, he inhaled. His spine straightened back out at a leisurely pace, as he said out loud, "I think I'll have a bit of Meech soup for dinner today." This, as any regular being capable of speech would know, was impossible for a number of reasons. One being that the vykker had no pot or bowl. But the vykker firmly believed he was going to have that for dinner, and he was on his way back "home".
Chapter 2
At the ludicrously slow pace he was walking, it was nearing sundown by the time he got there. Just as he was reaching for his door, he stopped. He whipped around, in a way only an animal with the sharpest of senses, and the best of reflexes could do. After about a minute of standing there, a small speck appeared on the horizon. After another minute, the speck had become a vehicle of the same kind that the vykker's "house" was made of. As soon as the vehicle came to a stop, something wearing all white popped out of the hatch at the top. After a quick glance at the vykker, who was standing in what would have been a dramatic gun-slinging position, where it not for the fact that he were smiling wildly, the something pulled out a radio. After whispering something into it, he put it away.
"Do you understand me?" The something asked in an unexpectedly normal voice.
"That depends really. If by understand you mean personally, I'd say I understand you less than that little bit of frost on that leaf over there. However, if-" Said the vykker in an equally normal voice, before being interrupted by the something.
"Your name is Tuchtsput, and don't lie to me," Said the something, with an angrier voice than before, "You're coming with me, so get in, or I'll make you."
The vykker obliged in a rather goofy fashion, crawling around the vehicle in a spidery kind of way, before jumping into the hatch, and landing on something relatively soft. Still smiling, he dove for the driver’s seat, and before the something in white could stop him, set off the way the vehicle had come from at full speed. After about 15 seconds of driving, he was forced away from the wheel by the white something.
"I don't know why my boss wants you so much; you're not even worth the trouble I've had to go through to get you. But my orders are to bring you back alive. He didn't say I couldn't discipline you though," Said the something, about to burst a furious wave of anger. Sensing the danger, Tuchtsput sat down innocently, and began to twiddle with all four of his claws. Having four arms made everything you could do with your hands that much more interesting. A snap could become up to four snaps consecutively, and even make a perfect snap roll, if you were fast enough. All kinds of things were possible if you had four hands, and a lot of time on them.
Chapter 3
Tuchtsput seemed to be content to sit there all day. Even after an uneventful ten minutes, he had done nothing but sat down and silently play games with his hands. One minute after however, he sprang up, and frantically began searching his tattered clothes. It was obvious there was nothing in the coat to the white something, but Tuchtsput seemed intent on finding something. After a quick search, he repeated the process again, so as to double check, figured the white something. That was, until he did it for the fourth time.
"Looking for something?" Asked the white something in a curious rather than concerned voice.
"I forgot my house." Said the vykker in an oh so very calm voice, you'd think he was talking about something as normal as the weather. Disguising what was almost a laugh with a groan, the white something turned back to the controls. He did not like this vykker one bit. The way here had been boring as it was, but he had a feeling the way back would be unbearable. Not to mention, it wasn't like this vykker was just a passenger. His boss had clearly stated he was to be a prisoner, and he could definitely see why. This "Tuchtsput" was not somebody he'd like to meet outside of this mission. Or inside for that matter.
Tuchtsput then did something nobody could have predicted. Not that Tuchtsput was very predictable any more. He was insane after all. He pointed at the windshield with a look of terror on his face. The white something noticed this after Tuchtsput had been doing it in complete silence for quite some time. Looking hard out of the window, he couldn't see anything aside from the rather barren landscape. Deciding that the vykker was just craving attention, he played no mind to it.
"Can't you see them?" Asked Tuchtsput in a fearful voice.
"See what?" Asked the white something in a now irritated voice.
"Them." Said the vykker.
"Who's them?" Asked the white something, now both annoyed and curious.
"Them" said the vykker as if it were something as simple as saying that a river had water in it.
"You really are insane... Either that or you're just stupid." Said the white something in a voice he thought only he could hear. Obviously, the vykker could hear, because at that, he dropped his frightened expression.
Chapter 4
Tuchtsput's once scared face changed to a very angry one. He took a deep breath, and said, "Do you really think so? Do you really think somebody just loses knowledge as they go? Do you? Or did you just say that because you don't like me? Because if you indeed think I'm stupid, I think you may want to evaluate your situation again. I have twice the brains you do, I just don't need them. Ask me anything. I have the answer."
The white something could tell Tuchtsput was bluffing. Yet he didn't ask a question.
"Really now. Are you not even intelligent enough to come up with a question that scrapes the limits of your intellect?"
This was the straw that broke the elum's back.
"Alright! If you're so smart, who's my boss?"
"He's my old co-worker I believe. Something like Jerbit ring a bell? He's a bit shorter than me, and told you that I have information he needs I think."
Something about this answer took the white something aback. It seemed that Tuchtsput had guessed right. Whoever this vykker was, he was smart. Too smart. It wasn't possible to be that clever, not even for a vykker. He'd have to be careful around this one. The white something noticed that one of Tuchtsput's hands were still pointed at the windshield. Looking out of it again, he saw what the vykker had been talking about. The canyon he had passed through on the way here was now an outlaw toll gate it seemed. They hadn't set any kind of building up; there were just an awful lot of them in the canyon. The white something wanted nothing more than to drive around, or even drive through, but both were easier said than done. The vehicle he was in didn't hold as well as it might look like. And going around would take too long for his taste, and they might even get lost. No, they'd have to get through the canyon, but he wasn't sure how.
"Here's another question. How do we get past them?" Asked the white something as he gestured towards the canyon. Looking out the windshield, the vykker laughed.
"Just give them the toll." He said. Under ordinary circumstances, the white something wouldn't have had a second thought about throwing somebody who said that out the door, but this vykker was a bit different.
"I'll take your word for it." He said as he drove a bit faster towards them.
Chapter 5
Dim witted, outlaws may be, but even they could see the vehicle coming from about a mile. Slowing down, the white something prepared to ask how much it was to go through. How stupid this would look if he told his boss, he had no idea, but Tuchtsput was smarter than his boss. Or at least, that's what the white something suspected. Just as he stopped, he opened the hatch on the top of the vehicle.
"How much is the-" He was cut off by a dart flying into his neck. Then two more. He was definitely knocked out now. As Tuchtsput crawled up to him, he saw he had fallen out onto the ground.
"Toll?" Finished Tuchtsput, before nearly all the outlaws pointed at him, and yelled "There he is!"A volley of shots were fired at him, but, proving his dexterity again, he nimbly dodged out of the darts way at least seventeen times, before allowing himself to be hit. It wasn't enough to knock him out, but he faked it anyway.
The outlaws took them into a small cavern, where they all seemed to be gathered. Tuchtsput was the first to "wake up". The outlaws didn't wait any longer, before asking him one question in unison.
"What is it?!" They bellowed, making it almost impossible to tell what they were saying.
"What is what?" Asked Tuchtsput pretending to not have a clue what they were talking about.
"Even we know that you know what we're talking about." Said one outlaw followed by agreement from the others.
"If I tell you, will you let us go?" Asked the vykker.
"Yes." Said most of the outlaws in a way no sane person would trust. But this was good enough for the vykker it seemed, so he told them. What exactly, none of the outlaws knew, because it was all too much for them to take. It was far too complex. Around the middle, most of them had sat down. At the end, they had left the room. Their minds had been lost.
Chapter 6
After a while, the white something woke up. Wondering why the outlaws had been so absentminded so as not to bind them, he stood up, and walked towards what he figured was the exit. Unfortunately, the exit was a little harder to reach then he thought. They may have been in a small cavern, but it must have been far into the mountain, because the path split at least five times up ahead. The white something hadn't gone very far either. Sitting back down, he wondered how they would get out of here. Tuchtsput didn't seem as worried, and was waiting for something it seemed.
"Now what?" Asked the white something.
"I think the way we want to go is this way," Said the vykker pointing to a small tunnel that the white something hadn't noticed. This was not what the white something had expected. He had been looking forward to a calm voice telling him to go either left or right or sometimes take the middle. Not this. And the vykker had been wrong about the toll thing. Either that or he had wanted this to happen.
"Why did you say we should ask about the toll?"
"I thought it might be fun."
They were stuck here. Prisoners to outlaws that weren't here. The white something figured he could survive a few days in this cavern. He wasn't sure which he would rather do. Listen to the insane but brilliant vykker, or wait. In the end there was only one choice. Getting up, he walked towards the tunnel. The vykker went right behind him. There was barely enough room for one person to be inside it, much less two beside each other. After a while, the tunnel became wider. It wasn't noticeable before light poured into the tunnel. It seemed they had gotten to the end of the tunnel, one way or another.
Chapter 7
How they had managed to end up right next door to where the white something had been ordered to drop off the vykker, was beyond both of them. Either something besides luck was at work here, or they had just been luckier than anyone.
"Here we are then..." Said the white something who then added in a slightly threatening voice, "I'm supposed to drop you off here, but I'm escorting you inside. I don't exactly trust you."
Tuchtsput just shrugged and said "Fair enough."
The multilevel complex, which Tuchtsput was to be dropped off in, was mostly underground, but the bit that was above ground was relatively well hidden too. Even Tuchtsput's eyes couldn't spot it until told where it was. Why it was like this was only known to some of the highest ranking officer's in this facility. Walking in the camouflaged entrance, they found it was not entirely as devoid of life as it seemed. There were a few mudokons scrubbing workspaces, a couple of sligs on duty, and several vykkers doing a bit of research. But this wasn't the level Tuchtsput was to be on, so the elevator took them lower into the complex. All the way to level 7, which was reserved for executive suites.
They weren't there yet though, because the vykker they were to meet wasn't here yet. On the way to his office, they bumped into him. Just as he was about to throw an insult about not being able to watch where they were going, he realized who it was. Shaking hands with the vykker, he turned to the white something.
"I didn't think you'd get here so soon. I'll not forget this." All that the white thing wanted was to be paid, but when he expressed this, the vykker told him to wait as he took Tuchtsput into an office, presumably his own. After about 15 minutes, Tuchtsput came out, without the other vykker.
"Where's Jerbit?" Asked the white something.
"In there." Tuchtsput replied, as he pointed at the door. Opening it, he found that Jerbit was lying on the ground. Probably stone dead.
"He's dead?" Asked the white something looking at Tuchtsput with a hint of fear.
"I'm not sure. I told him what he wanted though."
"What was that?"
"You don't want to know." Said Tuchtsput gravely.
"No... Maybe I don't." Said the white something. The white something walked through the doorway, over to a desk. After searching it, he found what he wanted, and left the room.
"Now what?" Asked Tuchtsput.
Chapter 8
Before the white something could answer, a pair of sligs came running towards them. Apparently the security team here was much better than most. The white something would have run, had it not been for the fact that the sligs were practically already there, and if they were indeed after him, they wouldn’t hesitate to shoot him while he was running. Just as the white something prepared to be sentenced for stealing, one of the sligs said “Freeze! You’re uh… charged for murder… penalty is shooting I guess.” This would have funny, as the slig had to take out a small role of paper to recite this, were it not for the gravity of the situation. They pulled the vykker away, and ignored the white something. The white something wasn’t going to be killed. Tuchtsput was.
Searching his mind for a way to stop them, he concentrated very hard. The sligs didn’t bother taking the vykker very far. All they did, was drag him out of the white something’s path. Tuchtsput didn’t really seem to mind however, as merely smiled as the sligs held a gun to his head. Just then, the white something thought it.
“Shouldn’t he get a better punishment?” Said the white something, buying a bit of time.
“Yeah, but we ain’t got any ideas or permission for it.” Said the slig holding the gun, which was lowered slightly.
“I by chance happen to know the perfect idea, and have access to most of the vehicles. Why not let him live off in the wild where he’ll die a slow death?” Said the white something, hoping to sound nasty. After a short look at one another, the sligs nodded.
“Right. He’s your problem now.” They said as they let Tuchtsput go. Amazed at his luck, the white something muttered a quick thanks and then hurried off to grab a somewhat faster vehicle than the one he had used before.
After an hour of driving, the white something stopped.
“This is where you get off.” Said the white something. Tuchtsput eagerly stepped off. He knew exactly where he was.
“Thank you.” Said Tuchtsput still smiling the exact same smile he had kept the whole day.
“If it wasn’t because I know you have something worth a lot in you, I wouldn’t be doing this.
“Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.” Said Tuchtsput. This seemed to confuse the white something. Shaking it off, he drove off. As he did, two identical tears trickled their way down the vykker’s face. So again, the answer slipped away from mass revelation. The answer to it all.
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Results
Character: 34
Plot: 31
Writing: 30
Theme: 30
Enjoyment: 31
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An interesting story. I liked the beginning; for some reason, I couldn't figure out what this "four armed creature" was at first - but then again, there aren't many of these in the OW universe. The character of Tuchtsput was a rather original one, full of secrets and a mysterious air, a character you can't get to know fully in such a short story. The capture theme wasn't as convincing as I've expected, but it was effective on its own.
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I just want to say that I absolutely loved this story. There were a few bits that could've been written slightly better, but all in all this story gave me a lot of enjoyment. Good work!
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Wow. This one delved into developing a unique character and also offered a new twist on the theme. The plot admittedly took a few blows because some things felt a little impossible (the sligs releasing him) and it was confusing at times. Other than that, not many complaints.
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I like that the characters seemed a lbit developed, but the writing was a bit annoying. Having to repeatedly read "The white something" without knowing what "The white something" is.
But the way I interpretted the story, the vykker knows something that drives people insane when they hear it.
Could it be that the vykker knows what "the white something" is? That would at least explain why the vykker says "Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me" at the end.
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Attempted Escapee #224
By MeechMunchie
Running. That was all he had left. Sub tried to concentrate on getting as far away as possible, his heart pounding in his chest and his feet pounding into the rusting metal platform. He knew the route better than he knew himself; he just needed to avoid the bullets flying around his head. It was only a matter of time before one of the Sligs got lucky. Reaching the end of the walkway, he took a flying leap across the gap, clanking factory machinery stretching down into the void below.
***
RuptureFarms was, by nature, a deathtrap. Sub was a fast thinker, and had so far avoided any serious accidents. Others, however... they were not so lucky. Some of the things he had seen brought him to tears when he thought of them. Mutilated Mudokon bodies, torn to pieces by meat blades. Brothers fleeing, looks of pure terror etched on their faces as they were mauled to death by bloodthirsty Slogs. Distended corpses sprawled across the factory floor, crushed by falling carcasses... He was determined not to let any more of these things happen. He and his friends had taken it upon themselves to teach new recruits to survive, to take care of the injured and keep up the morale of the bereaved. Together, they could dare to dream of better things to come.
***
The Sligs were beginning to catch up, but their ammo was running out. Sub put it down to luck that the most of the factory’s Slogs were currently on border patrol, but if he couldn’t shake security soon, he was dead meat. Grabbing on to a steel cable, he swung into a shortcut only 4 years worth of secret searching on long shifts could reveal. Sub scrambled into the dark corridor and took a second to catch his breath, carefully listening for the metallic whirr of Sligs running. There was silence. Peering around the edge of the door, he froze. The baleful red eye lenses of the Slig stared back.
***
‘No.’ Sub tried to run forwards as he stared in disbelief, but Jo pulled him back.
‘Don’t, Sub. There’s no point. He’s gone.’
‘He can’t be... He was the one... He was going to...’ A tear rolled down Sub’s face as he knelt down, looking blankly at the body of his closest friend. Bud had always been there. He was the one Sub turned to when everything seemed pointless. He was the one who had started teaching new Brothers to survive. It was going to be him who led them out of RuptureFarms.
‘He died bravely. He saved 4 workers from that explosion. A hero to the very end.’
***
Sub tried to brace himself as the Slig slammed him against the wall again.
‘Y’ doin’ a runner, are ya? Normally, we’d have to take you to the Boss, but he’s... busy. So yer ours now. Heheh.’ Dropping him onto the floor, the Slig beckoned his workmates forward. The looming figures raised their guns as they closed in. How long the beating went on he wasn’t sure, but he was determined to go out with some dignity. Bruised and broken, he finally burbled through blood-slicked lips:
‘I wasn’t the first to try and escape. I won’t be the last. And when we leave, every one of you will be punished for your cruelty.’ He got no response other than a rifle butt in the face.
***
‘I’m leaving.’
‘What?’
‘I said I’m leaving. I can’t live like this anymore, Jo. I can’t stare death in the face every single day. Even with working deaths down, more Brothers than ever are disappearing for Molluck’s weird experiments. I’m leaving and I want you to come with me.’
‘Sub, no. You’ll be killed. Every Mud who has ever tried to escape from this place has. I know what this is about.’
‘Bud was all I ever had apart from you. If he’s dead, we ought to do what he would have wanted.’
‘BUD LIED! You can’t escape from this place. Saying that we would leave someday was just another way to make life bearable. If you really want to carry out his dying wishes, stay here. Since he went, I need all the help I can get keeping workers safe.’
‘He showed me the route...’
‘It was a dream, Sub. ‘Nothing more.’
‘You’re wrong. If I have to go alone, I will. I
will escape, and when I do...’
‘Then what? You’ll get help? There is no help. It’s just mud, smoke and more factories.’
‘You’re wrong...’
***
Sub was dimly aware of the mud smearing over his face as he was dragged along the the lifeless ground. Roughly, he was heaved off the ground and turned to the sky. Even in his partial consciousness, Sub knew that his journey was over. He was just another corporate statistic. The rope now tied around his neck bit into his skin as he was gently lowered: Slow suffocation was the penalty he would pay for seeing the stars. He was dying, but this was as close to nature as he would ever be. He wasn’t sure if it was the bruises to his head or the rope around his neck, but he was certain he could see something in the moon... Something he recognised... Weakly he tried to raise his paw, failed and collapsed. Darkness swallowed his vision. A Slog barked in the distance as something slipped behind him, swift and silent as a shadow.
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Results
Character: 27
Plot: 27
Writing: 27
Theme: 30
Enjoyment: 27
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This one was alright. The plot was perhaps a bit hard to follow, mainly because of these jumps in the storyline (if I understood it right), but this might be just me. Appart from this, it is a well written story, easily comprehensible. The characters are nothing out of the ordinary, which is not a drawback, since it is about normal Mudokons trying to escape from captivity. As a final note, you got the grasp of the target theme very well, provided a impressive feeling of being captured.
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I have little bad to say about this one. It was short, sweet, and enjoyable. The switching between scenes was a bit confusing, but it can be argued that this confusion was intentional, I suppose.
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The plot flow made no sense at all to me, and it seems the captured was only a little part of the whole story.
The story mostly leads up to Sub trying to escape, but the theme of being captured was almost made insignificant.
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For the purposes of diplomacy, I won't mention that this was my favourite of the bunch. Aw, snap.
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Krieg’s escapade
By Scrabtrapman
It was dark outside matchstick forest in Eastern Paramonia, and quiet, a few of the tribal mudokons over the area where already up to make the most of the twilight fishing, the biggest fish where always nocturnal, Krieg was perched up on top of a rock with a spear in his left hand, his right was still burnt from the run in with the escaped greeter, he watched carefully as a small fish danced about in the water carefully, creating ripples across the gentle rivulet, Krieg was an amazing thinker and quickly worked out the depth of the water and the trajectory to throw the spear in correlation with the waters refraction of the early sunlight, he threw the spear and it went, not only through the small fish but also a flounder, that was his true target, he had sat there for an hour calculating if and when it would move, the smaller fish was an added bonus, something for himself.
He pulled the spear out of the mud and slung it over his back, picking back the others as he went, he had caught a total of twelve fish in a matter of two hours, fish however was not his only speciality, he had, over the years collected and increasing tally of scrab meat and paramite haunch, something he was quite proud of, he was in fact almost a local legend, the meat making mudokons.
There was a short walk to his village and once he got there he broke out into a small grin, he had the village to himself for a short while as the others slept on, the fire was still crackling gently, carried on by the short gusts of spring wind, he sat on a soft patch of grass and dumped the fish next to him, he picked up a small stick and attached his small fish to it before roasting it over the embers, in about ten minutes he had cooked the fish and began to scrape away the scales, he cooked the fish in the scales because he believed it kept all the juices in which was beautifully delicious.
Krieg stared as the first rays of sun hit his tent, sure enough his son quickly exited wiping sleep from his tired eyes, he wandered over to where the rivulet widened and where the sun hit it, after psyching himself up he jumped in with a quiet splash and dunked himself under, after half a minute he resurfaced and swam back to the edge before seating down beside his dad. They sat together in quiet silence as more and more of the clearing brightened until, after an hour the tribe woke up and wandered about, busying themselves with various morning tasks such as putting out the fire and preparing breakfast from last nights left over’s.
One of the mudokons tiptoed over to Krieg with careful steps so as not to disturb him but, before he could touch him on the back Krieg yawned and spoke,
“I heard you, you trod on a leaf, take your time with each step and manipulate your surroundings to your advantage!”
“How could I? That doesn’t make sense.” The other mudokon said put out.
“A slightly less trained mud would have been easily off put by a decoy, perhaps.”
“Alright, maybe next time.”
“Are you coming hunting with me today? There is a scrab trail today lasting two hours, me and three others are coming, five is a good ambush number.”
The mudokon looked slightly stunned but he regained his composure and replied with slight haste.
“Of course, I would love to, should I bring my recurver or are we using spears?”
“Bring your bow, we need to channel the scrabs down the gorge, can I trust you to start the run?” Krieg asked, his voice changing in tone to one of trust.
The mudokon nodded and the two departed but Krieg quickly turned,
“Eba, it’s at high noon, meet me there a quarter deck before, we need to prep up.”
Eba nodded.
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A quarter clicks before high noon Eba wandered about the cliff face looking down at the narrow gorge, it wasn’t like Krieg to be late for something.
“I’m not late!” Krieg said, walking out of the shadows arms crossed,
Eba jumped, “Don’t do that, and wait, I didn’t say I you where going to be late!”
“Yes but you where thinking it, your very easy to read, like a good scroll.”
After a short time the other hunters stepped out of the shadows, all of them where clad in leather armour, except Krieg, he was wearing none, he didn’t believe in protection and that, should he receive a fatal wound, that was quarma’s will.
The group noted a spiralling dust cloud on the distant horizon; this was the scrab pack entering the gorge. The mudokons had there weapons primed and Eba took the role of sliding down to the bottom of the gorge to start the run. Five hundred metres at the other end, the mudokons stood behind a barricade of rocks, there bows and spears where primed to throw as soon as the scrabs came within the kill zone, marked by two small boulders.
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At high noon the dust cloud had reached the start of the gorge Eba moved into position to herd the scrabs, he took his recurver bow and attached strike powder to the end of the arrow head, this would plant an arrow in one of the scrabs that, when triggered by the heat of the sun, would create loud implosions inside of the scrab, these where as harmless as the arrow but would rally the pack into a more disbanded squad.
The dust cloud grew closer but it was thicker than anticipated so Eba gathered three arrows and fired them in a shotgun effect through the cloud, an immediate explosion was heard, the dust cleared and the pack ground to a halt except it wasn’t a scrab pack, a three truck convoy halted, Eba looked dazed and collapsed ot his knees, he was quickly picked up by his comrades, all of which had never seen the glimmering beasts before. The Mudokons quickly took an offensive position but, not knowing where to fire there arrows, they aimed at what they believed to be the heart, a dusty shimmering, transparent piece with two moving things inside.
The sligs stepped out of there vehicles and Krieg lowered his bow, the sligs began talking to each other in there grating, metallic voices.
“What are these and why are they swallowed in iron?” Asked one of the hunters.
“They are swamp beasts, aeons ago they where slug like primordial beasts but now they travel away from there homage and work at the vast smoke billowing monoliths at the edge of the forest, we dare not tread there, we should get away.” Said Krieg.
The mudokons turned to the sligs who where watching the group cautiously, poppers raised, one of the mudokons slowly backed away, Krieg looked at him worriedly, eyes darting back and forth at the van to signal him to do what the sligs said, he simply shook his head and continued to walk away after a split second he turned and sprinted back up the gorge, one of the sligs attached a scope to his rifle and fired a clean shot the rough the muds head
“You come with us; you are now property of Magog Logging Corporate,” the mudokons tried to turn but the slig closest butted one in the jaw, the mudokons where rounded up and thrown into the back truck, as they wandered along to the narrow carriage they noted scrab blood along the truck treads.
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The truck was dark and there where other mudokons in there as well creating a squalid environment, most of them sat in silence, worried of there fate, except one, Krieg was feeling the roof of the truck and making measurements, one of the unknown muds was watching him growing ever more angry,
“For Quarma’s sake what are you doing? We don’t get out, we stay in there forever!”
Krieg pulled a knife from his topknot and began to make an incision in the hide roof, after a few minutes he had cut a hole big enough for him to squeeze out of, he hauled his weight out of the vehicle but as he turned his jaw dropped, he was in a complex, at the centre there was a large metal building that billowed smoke from three enormous stacks, there was no vegetation and the clouds where dark black, it was raining to but the drops that hit him fizzed at his skin, he could not endure it after a while he clambered back inside. No one had moved or attempted to look out in the time Krieg had been spying from his perch, so he simply resumed his position in the corner of the van, Eba was staring at him with wide eyes,
“Can we escape?” He asked quietly, Krieg moved closer and whispered,
“Chances are thin but there are gates under high security, we could work out the complex maps and tunnel out or, perhaps we could even escape through work.”
Eba nodded a sparkle in his eyes at the news.
-
Worker A1118957 scrubbed feverishly at the stubborn stain, his skin had worn away and the cleaning fluid stung the soft pink flesh, it was relatively dark, the lamps where covered in a thick grime and his candle did very little to aid his vision, he could however make out the worker next to him, S521 was propped up against the wall staring into the dark, there shift finished half an hour ago but there was nothing else to do with the time besides think, after a year inside it turned many a mudokon insane, 1118957 and 521 made sure this did not happen however, they where plotting escape, 521 had slowly been adding parts of maps of the building to his body by tattoo while 1118957 had been collecting parts from the machinery and stashing them in deposits about the factory, tonight they where ready, A had collected the parts a while before and had spent almost an hour fashioning them to his liking, the result was a small bow and a number of arrows.
The two ran down the corridor in perfect silence, past the sleeping slig guard on there block and out into the main rooms. The machinery was still on giving them sound cover but it was the sleeping period so they where the only workers in the entire building still up, regular patrols of lusk mercenaries and sligs loitered about the corridors.
The two ran through a corridor only to come face to face with a slig, it was about to raise an alarm when 1118957 thrusted a spear into it’s chest, as the slig reeled, 521 fired the bow, a bolt pierced the sligs visor and a sickly red blood dribbled onto the floor, as it collapsed they sprinted off.
-
Outside it was dark but there eyes had spent so long in the gloom that everything was fantastically bright, even the disgusting smog was not as bad.
The time was 1:45pm, the deliveries would be delivered in less than 1/10 of a click, the two ran to the corner of the base and dived at the wire fence as the searchlights passed overhead, it was so quiet they could hear the sligs in conversation,
“Did you see M.O.M? Oh quarma, they put Lt. Dripik in charge of that little slig barracks in the corner of oddworld!” and
“Wow, check the cups on that one, boy her skin is as slimy as a fleech!”
The pair clambered over a tree stump and waited at the gates as the delivery cart rolled in, the gates opened and they crawled out into the undergrowth.
-
The two ran almost all the way to matchstick forest,
“We made it!” Cried Krieg,
“Indeed we did my good friend!”
They entered the clearing,
The ground was barren and the tents where in ruins, a few sligs where guarding the entrance to a chain linked fence, a sign above read – “Slig Barracks, under order of Lt. Dripik” The two stood dazed.
Ever heard of matchstick forest? Didn’t think so, now you know why!
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Results
Character: 26
Plot: 25
Writing: 23
Theme: 27
Enjoyment: 22
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What to say... This one was hard to understand and follow, mainly because most narration paragraphs are made of single sentences. It's alright to write a draft of the story in this style, but in the final version you should reorganise the content of your paragraphs into separate sentences. It'll make reading more enjoyable and comprehensible.
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You need to work on your punctuation and sentence structure somewhat. Although you had an interesting plot going and I especially loved the twist ending, it was quite hard to read because of the way most of the sentences ran on. Make sure you re-read all your sentences and if they seem to be quite long, see if you can split them up into a paragraph instead.
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I can't believe that certain paragraphs were comprised of a single sentence. Run-ons ahoy. This story started out nicely and I appreciated that it detailed fishing and hunting, something not often written about. Unfortunately, as it went on, the quality of writing went sharply downhill. Descriptions of certain active scenes such as the hunt and the escape were confusing and that definitely affected enjoyment.
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The intro was a bit too long, the captured theme wasn't all that well incorporated and seemed a bit insignificant.
Also, mudokons generally don't have a dad/mom/son family relationship. They all come from the same queen.
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Nabbed
By AlexFili
Chapter 1: Caught in the act
It was a dark and misty night. The tall trees rustled as the bonfire burned, the crackling noises echoing throughout the valley. The winds were filled with an icy chill, the hair of the Outlaws necks was providing them very little protection against the cold. The Boss, a massive Outlaw was huddled around a fire, clutching a large wooden flute. He placed a hand on his beard as he stretched his long muscular arms. He was with his men, telling the boys tall tales and jokes. The smallest of the group, Kranky laughed. “Boss, you tell some crazy tales”. The Boss laughed, “You’d better believe it kid”.
He turned to look at Skanks, his second-in-command. “Is everything prepared for the big raid tomorrow?” Skanks nodded, “Yes sir. The town has been scouted in advance”. He withdrew a map from his pocket. The map was torn and patchy in places, with some obvious coffee stains and the smell of burnt rubber. The Boss touched the map with his finger, looking up to the group. “We hit the bank here, then we break into these three stores; here, here and here. We split up and meet back at the big cliff-face overlooking this fire”. He pointed towards the nearby rock formation. “Ya all got that?” The gang cheered and drank some more beer. The beer smelled strongly of wet sausage.
The gang woke up early next morning and headed towards the nearby town of Tornsville. The streets were clear of Clakkers, “those feathery old fools” as The Boss called them. The tall misshapen buildings helped to establish a spooky atmosphere. The tallest building, the clock tower was barely standing as it was. The metal pillars were already straining under the weight of the building, not maintained properly over the years. As the clock chimed five, the Outlaws were all surrounding the buildings of the town, sneaking through the alleyways to avoid suspicion.
The Boss smiled, this was going to be easy. He put on his black gloves and signalled towards two of his Outlaw gang members, they followed him towards the city bank. The city bank was large, but not overly well protected. They slowly pushed forward on the saloon doors, looking around for the Clakker managers. There was only an adolescent Clakker on the desk, snoring loudly. The Boss looked towards one of his gang members, giving him the sign language for “Bag him”. The gang member nodded, withdrawing a net-shooter from his bag and firing it at the Clakker. The Clakker gave a muffled yell as the net constricted around its beak. Soon the net constricted the Clakker body so that it couldn’t move.
The Boss than made his way to the end of the Bank hall, spotting the large metallic safe. He took out his crowbar and began applying pressure to the seams. From the sound of the crowbar against the metal, they could tell that it wasn’t going to budge that easily. In that case, time for some hardier tools. He took out a small explosive canister, placing it on the safe. He moved backwards and instructed his men to do the same. He took out his rifle and…
BANG!
The whole town woke up and yelled as they heard the rumbling noises. “We’re under attack!” The Clakkers started running around madly, trying to get to safety. The Clakker lawmen got to their shooting holes, trying to take pot-shots at the Outlaws. The Outlaws laughed as the Clakkers tried to shoot them, they were pathetically bad shots.
Chapter 2: A Stranger comes a-calling
“Trouble in town”, the deep voice had a bit of rumbling behind it. The figure was seated atop a Scrab, a rare sight indeed. He stroked the underside of the Scrab’s beak, it screeched happily. He began assembling his Sniper Rifle, pulling out the scope and the barrel and attaching them silently.
The Outlaws continued to laugh. The shortest Outlaw was making the most noise, “You Clakkers have such poor aim that you…” Suddenly the Outlaw stopped speaking. The unmistakable sound of a gunshot was heard; the Outlaw looked down at its green shirt to see a red stain forming from underneath it, a Clakker bullet hole in the garment clearly visible. The Outlaw fell backwards and the other Outlaws roared in anger.
Skanks growled, “They shot Kranky, that’s it. Kill em all!” The Outlaws got into positions and started shooting at the now fleeing Clakkers. Skanks was about to shoot the Clakker nearest to him, when he heard an Outlaw moan in pain behind him. He turned around and saw the Outlaw fall to the ground, “Damn it! That ain’t no Clakker rifle”. Skanks ducked behind a barrel and tried to think this through. “There was no way it could have been a Clakker. A shotgun or a rifle would have to make a noise, so that rules those out. There’s no way a revolver would do it… what about…” Skanks took out a pocket mirror and placed it near the ground. Skanks looked around and saw a bounty hunter on a Scrab holding… “Damn it, he’s got a Sniper Rifle!”
The Boss was still inside the bank hall, trying to open the safe. He was oblivious to anything happening outside, the loud noise of the nearby money-press blocking his senses. “Let’s get this open, quickly”. The two Outlaws nodded and began working with blowtorches, getting the safe open just a little bit more.
Meanwhile, Skanks managed to find some of his other Outlaw gang members. “Here’s the plan”. He whispered something to the cronies, who ran off and picked up some rocks. Skanks reached for the dead Outlaw’s white scarf, tearing it into strips.
The bounty hunter was now lying on the floor, finding a hiding place nearby. He turned around to face the Scrab, “Okay missie, you cover me… okay?” The Scrab screeched happily, while the bounty hunter faced the town once more. Several minutes later, he saw some activity. The outlaws were throwing something out of some of the windows. “What are they? Rocks?” The rocks landed on the floor, each rock having a miniature flag embedded in it, “Never seen that before…”
Skanks laughed, “Okay. That should make him less drawn to our movements, especially if the wind is making those flags flutter about like crazy. He’ll be distracted while we sneak around the back!” The Outlaw nearest him joined in with the laughing, “Good job, let’s go find the Boss”.
Chapter 3: Successful Encounter
The bounty hunter’s red poncho was moving slightly due to the wind. He noticed that every single little flag was waving as well. “That is distracting”, he sighed. Picking up his binoculars. He looked through them to see the frightened Clakkers running around.
Skanks meanwhile was more worried about getting out of here alive. “Come on guys, let’s scram!” The headed for the bank and entered. The Boss gave a happy yell as the safe was cracked open. He got the boys to pick up the bundles of loot with their sweaty hands. “Take ‘em home boys, take ‘em home!”.
“Boss!” Skanks yelled, “There’s a sniper out there! He got Blanky and Plose”. The Boss spat on the floor, “Damnit… Don’t just stand there, battle formations!” The Outlaws rushed outside, the gold still in their hands. They ran towards the farmhouse and took the time to reload their weapons.
The Boss held up a hand, “Okay, when I say run… we make a run for it”. The Boss waited for the right time, Skanks was shivering like crazy. “Run!” yelled the Boss. Each Outlaw went a different direction. One Outlaw was shot and another was wounded shortly after. The Boss hid behind a house.
The bounty hunter smiled, “They tried to distract me with the flags, but it gave away the direction and speed of the wind, too bad for them”. He was partially talking to himself, although the Scrab enjoyed the company all the same. “Time for some close quarters action”, he knew that the Sniper Rifle wouldn’t penetrate an Outlaw boss. The bounty hunter rose onto his robotic legs and moved towards the farmhouse.
Skanks couldn’t take any more of the pressure and ran away from the battlefield, leaving the gold behind. The Boss was now alone and outclassed. The Boss was frantically looking around, his hat almost falling off as he turned his head so quickly. “Where the heck is he?”, he said to himself as he moved backwards.
“Hi”, said a gruff voice. The figure cracked his neck and the Boss turned around. He barely had time to utter a yell before he saw a large yellowy gloved hand punch him on the face. The bounty hunter chuckled, “Nighty Night”.
A few hours later, the Boss woke up in a jail cell. “No, No, Nooooo!” he yelled. Slamming his massive fists on the bars. The Clakker watching him laughed, “Oh you got nabbed alright. We got all the gold back too!” The Boss turned to look at him, “Who the dreg was that guy?” The Clakker grinned, “Some bounty hunter named Lorrak”.
Lorrak smiled, “Another job well done, come on missy… time to find that Blue Thunder guy”. He put on his red hat, the sides of it barely hiding his Slig mask. He picked up his dusty red poncho, gave it a whack and put it on his large muscular chest. He sat on top of the Scrab, the Scrab shrieking and carrying him into the distance.
Lorrak, the Big Bro Slig. Bounty hunter for hire. If you can find him.
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Results
Character: 28
Plot: 30
Writing: 33
Theme: 27
Enjoyment: 29
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A very enjoyable one, this story is. It provides the generic SW experience of Clakkers and Outlaws. The BigBro protagonist taking the role of a bounty hunter is perhaps a bit suspicious to me - their limited mobility would be a drawback in this profession, but the character is pretty convincing nonetheless. All in all, a good fanfic which managed to keep my attention to the end.
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Nice Yoda impression, there
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This tale felt dry (no desert pun intended) and I'm not sure why. Technically, each action was described. It still felt too tell-and-not-show, like hearing from a friend about what happened to him yesterday, in just the necessary detail. Certain characters were mentioned enough to make me feel that they should have been important, but they weren't really developed. I think the problem with it is that too much is happening in too small a space. As for the 'captured' theme, despite that the tale ended in a capture, it wasn't particularly about a capture.
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And that, ladies and gentlemen, is, as they say, it.
Another massive congratulations to Oddey, you awesome writer, you.
And thanks to the other entrants and to the judges, for doing all the hard work.
All went well and another fanfiction competition should run next summer/autumn.
Fan Corner's next competition will be the first annual (hopefully) Fan-Art competition! It will begin in early February, so keep your eyes open for that!
Thanks to everyone who helped make this event come ALIVE!
~]Fanfiction Competition '09: The Results
