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  #1  
07-01-2008, 08:30 PM
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glitch taimer
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Open for Slaughter, My Attempt at and Oddworld Story

This is my first attempt at writing an Oddworld story. Please tell me what you think. Construcitve criticism wanted. Well, here I go.

Open for Slaugter
Chapter one
An Intentional Accdient

One lone slig marched down a long, winding hallway. He kept glancing back and forth, checking for any sign of danger. Though he would never admit it, the large, open area intimidated him. Finally, he reached the end of the hall and stopped at a sturdy steel door. A small rope hung near the door. The slig gave one long tug on the rope. Soon a voice came through on the speaker above the door.

“Please state your full identity,” another slig’s voice said.

“Slig 130492, Palms,” Palms said to the voice.

“Okay, you’ve been cleared for lunch.”

Palms rolled his eyes. The glukkons were so cheap; they created a system to eat just so nobody could slack off. He shrugged. At least the pay was pretty good.

The large metal door slowly opened to reveal a large room filled with tables and hundreds of industrial creatures dining on their lunches. Palms walked over to the long line for lunch and patiently waited. He studied the other diners to learn what was on the menu today. It looked like Scrab Cakes. Again. Palms grunted in disappointment. This was the third day in a row they were serving Scrab Cakes. Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted when someone shoved him in the back. Palm’s turned around. The thing that had shoved him was a very haughty slig by the name of Kel.

“Lines movin’ ya’ know,” he said in a superior tone.

Palms cursed him under his breath and moved up in line. After a few minutes, he had his tray of Scrab Cakes and began to look for a table to sit at. He spied a slig across the room waving him over. The slig was one of his few friends in the factory. His name was Luke. Luke was very friendly and easy to get along with, but he wasn’t very bright.

Palms carried his tray over to Luke and sat down.

“So, what ya’ been up to?” Luke asked.

“Oh, same old stuff. Guarding a place that his in no danger whatsoever. I just stand around and pretend to look alert.”

Palms bit into one of his Scrab Cakes. Green custard oozed into his mouth. Luke’s tray was nearly empty. He probably had to go soon.

“Have you heard the rumors?” asked Luke. “They say people are hearing stuff up in the vents. Pretty creepy stuff if you asked me.”

Palms tried to look interested. Poor Luke would believe anything. If anything, it was probably ratz of a fleech that had gotten loose.

“No, I haven’t heard. Maybe it’s just a fleech or something.”

Palms picked up his second Scrab Cake and took a bite. He immediately regretted it and spit it back out onto his trey. The Scrab Cake had gone bad. A long time ago judging from the taste. Luke didn’t seem to notice.

“I dunno, but I need to get back to my position. See ya’ later, Palms.”

“Bye,” Palms said has Luke got up and exited the room. He stared at the rotten Scrab Cake on his plate. The custard had taken on a nice orange color. Not what one would call appetizing. He drank his water, threw his plate away, and left the room.

On his way back to his position, a little walkway outside the factory, he was stopped by another slig.

“We’re going to need you help. There’s been an accident near the storage area.”

Palms nodded. This kind of thing wasn’t unusual. Palms was one of the few sligs in the factory that had any kind of experience with repairing equipment. He was also bright, something quiet rare in sligs. He followed the other slig down many long halls and eventually to the long corridor that was right in front of the storage rooms. Palms could smell something burnt. He spotted the accident almost immediately.

A bloodied slig lay on the floor. It’s body was badly burnt and a its skull was bashed open. Next to it stood a malfunctioning greeter. Its sensors must have been damaged because it was trying to drive itself into a wall.

“What do you need me for?” Palms asked.

“The boss wants you to determine why the greeter went crazy.”

Palms approached the greeter carefully. He didn’t want to end up like the slig that lay on the floor a few feet away. Carefully, he grabbed a loose wire in the back of the greeter and yanked it. The wire unattached itself from the greeter. The greeter ceased its senseless activity and stood still. Palms pulled open a panel in the back of the greeter. The reason for the problem was obvious. The gears and wires inside of it were a mess. The gears were bent into abnormal shaped and some of the wires were completely severed.

“I think I found a problem. Everything inside this greeter is a mess,” Palms said aloud.

By now, a small crowd was gathering around the scene. The slig that had led Palms to the accident looked up at him.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll take care of the crowd if you tell me your best guess at what happened here.”

“Okay. In my mind, the most likely scenario is that something intentionally destroyed the insides of the greeter. If it had been an accident, the outside would have been damaged as well. From there, the greeter ran into this poor victim.” Palms pointed at the charred slig nearby. “It electrocuted him before getting stuck against this wall. But that leaves two mysteries to this case. Who damaged the greeter and what caused the head injury to the slig? It’s too precise to have been cause by the greeter.”

The other slig though about this for a few seconds. “We’ll have the vykkers perform and autopsy,” he finally declared.

“Okay, looks like my work here is done then. I’m going back to my position.”

With that, Palms left the scene and began his walk back to his guard position.
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  #2  
07-02-2008, 12:09 AM
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skillyaslig
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That's pretty good for the start! ^^ Only crit is there are some Grammar errors, but other then that, me like!
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  #3  
07-02-2008, 04:39 AM
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cool, your story sounds interresting. Keep it up...
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  #4  
07-02-2008, 01:38 PM
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Chapter Two

Thanks for the comments guys. About the gramical errors, yeah I'm pretty bad about editing my own work. I find it hard to locate spelling errors and such if it's my own work. Be warned. This next chapter contains minor language and violence.


Open for Slaughter
Chapter Two
Rumors Confirmed


Palms lied in his bunk fully awake. The sun was just barely coming over the horizon, but he couldn’t get back to sleep. It had been a few days since the accident had occurred. But that wasn’t what was keeping him awake. He had changed positions. Now he had been chosen to guard the slave pen. Thoughts flashed through his head about what the new job may be like. He yawned, turned over in his bunk, and slowly drifted into sleep.

“On your feet and to your posts!” a large voice boomed out of the speaker in the room. Palms instantly jolted awake. The rest of the sligs in the room were also getting up. He crawled out of bed and put his metal pants on. He checked his pants. They were in functioning order. Palms left the room and began to walk towards the slave pen. The hallways were filled with all manner of creatures as they went off to finish another day of work. Finally, the slave pen was in sight. He opened the large door before him and stepped into the room.

“Hey, are you the new guy?” a slig asked him as Palms entered.

“Yeah,” Palms replied.

“Great. Okay, here’s your orders.” The slig began to read a note he had been carrying. “You’ll just be keeping an eye on the slaves for the most part. You are obligated to stop any and all riots, stop slaves from gathering in large groups, keep the slaves busy, and give daily reports on their status. Understood?”

“Understood,” Palms said.

“Great. You’ll be working over there on the far side.” The slig pointed towards the back of the room. “You got a partner too. I think his name’s Kel.”

All of Palms enthusiasm immediately left him. Kel was self-centered, boastful, and generally liked to instigate fights. Palms sighed heavily. He walked towards his post very slowly.

“You’re kidding right? I gotta’ work with you?” was the first thing out of Kel’s mouth.

“Unfortunately, yes. Look, I don’t like it either.”

“Then go jump in one of those machines over there and solve both out problems.”

Palms sighed again. This was going to be a long day. The rest of the morning went by with much arguing. Kel was eager to start an argument over any little thing. Finally, the lunch bell went off. Relief flooded over Palms. It wasn’t much to look forward to, but at least it was twenty minutes of peace.

As he entered the cafeteria, Palms realized that Meech Munchies were on the menu today. Finally, a nice change from Scrab Cakes. With his tray of food, he sat down next to Luke once again.

“Well, how do ya’ like your new post?” Luke asked Palms.

“It sucks. It’s about has mush fun as putting your hand in a meat grinder.”

“Ah, come one. Put a positive spin on it,” Luke said sympathetically.

“There’s nothing positive about it.”

A few minutes passed with nothing said. Luke broke the silence.

“Did I tell you I’m getting a different position too?”

“No, you didn’t. Where are you going?” Palms asked.

“Now I’m outside. Kind of like where you were positioned.”

Palms nodded his head. He wished he could be working outside as well. Anything was better than Kel. The rest of the time, they sat silently munching their Munchies, both thinking about their new jobs. When Palms finished, he said goodbye to Luke and went back to the slave pen. Kel was already there. He gave Palms a look of disgust as he entered.

“Damn, I thought you had killed yourself. I was actually happy for a few minutes,” Kel said.

Palms ignored the comment and began to monitor the mudokens. He spotted three of them huddled in a group talking.

“Hey! Break it up. Now.”

The mudokens all shot him an angry glare before dispersing around the pen. Palms grinned. He found bossing them around amusing.

“You thought that was funny? Pathetic. Let me show you how it’s done,” Kel said. “Hey you, com’ere.” He pointed at a mudoken.

“M-me?” the obviously frightened mudoken asked.

“Who the hell else would I be talking to? Get over here.” The mudoken slowly crept up to the slig. “Okay, we’re gonna’ play a game. It’s called dodge my gun!” The slig raised his gun and beat it into the mudoken’s face, sending him sprawling across the floor. Kel laughed as the mudoken grabbed his face in agony. “You lost. You know what that means? We get to play again!” Kel began to beat the helpless mudoken with his gun over and over. Palms winced. Bossing the mudokens around was fun. Beating them senseless was cruel. When Kel was finished, he let the mudoken stand up again. Blood trickled from its mouth. “That’s good sportsmanship. Here’s a reward.” With one final blow from the butt of the gun, he sent the mudoken across the pen once more before walking back towards Palms. “That’s how ya’ do it,” he declared.

A few uneventful hours passed by. Kel had fallen asleep and was lying on the floor. Palms was trying to fight off sleep as well. Watching mudokens shuffle around and work wasn’t the most entertaining of chores. In Palms semiconscious state, he thought he heard tapping. Slowly Palms came back to reality. The tapping had grown a little louder. Kel woke up and tried to distinguish the sound as well. Palms listened and realized that the sound was coming from the vents.

“Something is in the vent. It’s probably just a fleech or ratz,” Palms said aloud.

Then he heard something that changed his mind. He heard whispers. “Something’s whispering up there.”

“That’s it. I’m getting to the bottom of this,” Kel said. He flung himself against the wall and managed to climb up near the vent. Ripping of the metal surface that guarded the entrance to the air vent, he climbed inside. At first glance, nothing seemed to be in the vent. Then he saw a shadow begin to stir in front of him. “What the hell?” he yelled. An iron grip latched around his throat, cutting off his airway. He felt it lift him out of his pants and begin to beat him against the sides of the vents. Pain enveloped him as his skull crashed into the metal barrier again and again. “Help!” he managed to scream.




Palms stood terrified as the vent began to quake. Something had gone terribly wrong. When he heard Kel scream he pulled out his gun and shot three bullets into the vent.




Kel heard three loud crashes in the vent. Whatever had him been mercilessly beating him let go and recoiled. It let loose a hiss sound and climbed further down the vent. With what energy Kel had left, he pulled himself towards the opening in the vent and fell through.




Palms watched Kel fall back to the floor. The fall had rendered him unconscious. Palms quickly a bloody hole in Kel’s chest. One of his bullets had hit him. He quickly turned towards the slaves. He pointed at one.

“You! Go get help! Hurry!” The mudoken hesitated. It seemed unsure if it wanted to help the slig that had just beat a slave severely. Palms didn’t have time for this. He pulled his gun and aimed it at the mudoken. “Go get help now or I will shoot!” The mudoken sprinted towards the other end of the slave pens. Palms looked down at Kel. He hated the slig so much, yet he felt obligated to save his life.
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  #5  
07-04-2008, 04:17 AM
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I like it its good
GoodWork
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  #6  
07-05-2008, 06:10 AM
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scipionyx
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You get better and better I wonder if Kel will survive this or not...
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