My oddworld Story!

[Strangers Wrath]

Hey guys i've started writing a story and well i guess it's a bit well odd!

If you have any suggestions then feel free to post them! I'll go from paraghraph to paraghraph! Enjoy

Hooked

Chapter one: A couple of Strangers

Ben was sitting in his lounge room one day, watching T.V, he had just finished having a lecture with his mother about watching to much telivision and playing games, it was 9:00 and he was watching his favourite show
but suddenly he got a bad headache so Ben stopped watching T.V and went up to his room little did he know that he was the chosen one to save oddworld as well as his family. Suddenly when he opened the door he saw a body fall on his bed. Then the window smashed and a figure came in, "Sorry 'bout that" the stranger said "Was bountying him for some.." stranger paused as he spat on the ground "..moolah". The stranger looked like the main character that Ben had played the day before, the charater also looked like he had just run 100 miles. The stranger started to walk out of the room when he turned and said "You wanna come with me?"
Ben felt a rush of excitment "Oh, I'd love to!" Ben exclaimed. So Ben went with the stranger to battle the creatures of oddworld. Ben and stranger walked out of the smashed window leaving the body behind. As they were walking away stranger spoke to the blonde haired boy "You do know where we're goin' right?"
Ben was speachless "Was I supposed to?" Ben replied,
stranger just laughed "We're going to vykers labs, but we need to make a stop before that, we might have to get you a crossbow and stop at the town" stranger continued "We might get there in a couple of weeks" once more Ben was speachless, his purple glasses just about fell of onto his jeans.
"


I will put another part of the story on soon!

[Strangers Wrath]

This is the same chapter just different point!

Back in oddworld there was a floor-waxer that worked in the glukon industry, his name was Abe. He was waxing the floor one evening when he over heard the glukons having their meeting. Abe was wondering what they were talking about , it sounded like something about his species (the mudokens). "Our profits have been dropping lower and lower" a mean looking glukon said "Our paramite pies and scrab cakes have been selling though" another glukon said "How are our profits dropping?"
"Scrab and paramite families have been getting killed, they'll soon be extinct" the mean looking glukon exclaimed. All the glukons chatered about what had been said, all except one, he was Mullock and he had a plan.

[Strangers Wrath]

Here's some more!

Stranger and Ben were walking away when suddenly they heard a rustle in the bushes beside them. Stranger got out his crossbow and put his amo in. His amo looked like a fly that charged up with electricity after a while. Strangers shot the creature at the spider looking thing that had caused the noise, it knocked out the spider looking creature so stranger could pick it up and put it in his amo bag, he then shot some more and did the same. Then they heard voices talking "We need to stop stranger from takin' in boss" they heard the voice say, stranger moved towards the voice. Stranger shot the spider like creature at the outlaw that had just talked, the effect was amazing, the creature quickly wrapped up the outlaw with a sticky web so he couldn't escape, stranger walked over to the wrapped up outlaw and sucked him into his bounty bag.
"How did you do that?" Ben asked
"It's my secret" stranger told Ben "Trust me you'll be seeing alot more of it as we continue on our journey.

More soon!!!!

[Oddey]

Stop! Stop! Stop! Do not QUADROUPLE post! I like it but give us time to react.

Bottom line, you may be eager but don't post three chapters in a row. Editing works good with small things like: Is it good, or Nice job. So just please slow down.

Wait a minute? Double plots? Then please make two stories rather than posting both of them in the same place. Unless they will meet together then make two seperate threads.

Ok I've gotten over it now. You can start again but try not to make double posts.

[Moosh da Outlaw]

Hmm, the story's going by waaay too fast. You need to slow down and let the story build; you can't just jump into the action. Also, you haven't described Ben at all or why he's in Oddworld to begin with. If I were you i'd either edit in more details, or we-write and try again. Also, try skipping posts between paragraphs (you can't use the tab tool on this site) and using proper punctuation to make your writing seem more professional. ^^

[Strangers-Moon]

If you haven't already type this up first in microsoft word to correct any errors, and make it longer, have paragraphs. I know you want to get into the action straight away but give us the readers more info on the story, set out the plot neatly

[Strangers Wrath]

See if it's okay now?

Sorry for going to fast i'm a newbie at doing this!

I now know about it, thanks for the tips!

[MeechShrykull1029]

I don't really like humans interfering with Oddworld. Ben is a human. And no one goes out to battle the creatures of Oddworld just for fun. Why did you include this? Isn't there a better reason to go to Oddworld?

[Splat]

SW, please post a chapter at a time instead of posting chapters in tiny bits. And rather than double-posting, edit new text into your last post.