Oddworld: Humanoid Havoc (Fanfiction)

[Zozo the Zrilufet]

How is it off a little?

I kinda prefer it when you say who's talking and how they said it, it adds more detail.

[Minch]

Ok, i'll subtitle who is talking.
Phew, I thought I got something mislead.

[Minch]

Kenny visit the Scrubs whenever he had the chance, carefully planning their big escape. If the alarm was tripped, Slogs will be everywhere and Big Bros will go berserk. The exits were guarded and cameras were everywhere.
(Flubco cargo room)
Ken: "Ok, the Sligs are asleep but the ones at the exit are not."
Mudokon 1: "I think this is suicide, that's what."
Mudokon 2: "How will we pull this off, we have no Tomahawks or Spoocebows."
Ken: "Ok, let me go over it again;"

"Ok, when the Sligs go to doze off for the night more go the entrances and exits to cover their patrol. Now, when the new patrols are coming down the hall, I'll hide behind those boxes, sneak up behind them and knock em out. You will scrub the floors and hit them with these sticks. Then, we'll move them out of sight and knock out the power so the cameras at the entrance can't catch us. We open the front door and creep around the mines in the courtyard."

Mudokon 3: "What about the bridge?"
Ken: "Oh, the bridge;"

"There are always three Sligs guarding the bridge at night. I have to clean the outdoor generator at the third observation tower that night, before I move to the tower I will try to start a conversation with them. When I am talking, sneak up to em and hit them on the head with the sticks. We run out of here and I'll follow you to this "Raisin's Cave."

All seven Mudokons: "And you really think we can do this?"
Ken: "We are going to do this."

(Fifteen minutes till escape attempt)
Ken: "Before we get ready, I have to get Slag."
Mudokon 2: "What makes you think he will follow us?"
Mudokon 5: "What makes you think we will let him follow us?"
Ken: "Because...he's..."
Mudokon 7: "Never make friends with a Slig!"
Mudokon: "Shut up, they'll hear you!"
Big Bro: "What is going on here?"
Ken: "Group joke."
Big Bro: Get back to work before I Blitz Blast you all!"
(Stomps away)
Mudokon 1: "The charm never stops around here."
Ken: "I'll be back."

(Slag's quarters)
Ken Whispering: "Slag, wake up."
Slag: "Ugh, what are you doing here?"
Ken: "Were getting out of here."
(Picks up pistol)
Slag: "Can't let you do that Kenny...you escape and I lose my job, I ain't going to no Mudokon hideout, yeah, I knew you were planning something."
Ken: "I helped you out of your cell."
Slag: "Never trust a Slig when there is a reward on your head, now, hands up!"
(Puts hands up)
Slag: "Turn around and get on your knees."
Slag: "It's going to be kicks when I get the reward."
Ken: "Yeah, kicks, great idea."
Slag: "What?"
(Ken lifts his leg up and kicks Slag in the head)
Ken: "Ohhh, knocked unconscious, just let me have that pistol."
(Takes pistol)
Ken: "Time to leave..."

-To be continued-

[Minch]

There is still plenty of parts left.
If anyone has noticed a few weaknessed please let me know, I want to make sure you all understand the story.

[mitsur]

This might not apply to everyone, but I'm not really interested in reading what basically amounts to a script. Try to write it in story form, like so. I took a passage and re-wrote for an example.

Before:
Ken: "Ok, the Sligs are asleep but the ones at the exit are not."
Mudokon 1: "I think this is suicide, that's what."
Mudokon 2: "How will we pull this off, we have no Tomahawks or Spoocebows."
Ken: "Ok, let me go over it again;"

After:

Ken cracked open the door to the loud sound of snoring coming from outside the dirty storage room. He slowly moved his head to get a better view of the sligs guarding the door outside. To his relief, they were all leaning against each other or the walls, eyes closed.

Ken pushed himself up on one arm and managed to get a better look. To his dismay, the sligs on the other side of the heavily-reinforced steel door on the other side of the hall were still at attention. It was a miracle they hadn't seen the snoozing sligs who were guarding Ken's door. Ken sighed, but turned towards his new mudokon friends. He spoke quickly, in a low whisper.

"Okay, the sligs are asleep, but the ones near the exit are not,"

"This is suicide, Ken. We can't do it while the door guards are still awake." One of the mudokons replied, frightened at the situation. "How're we gonna pull this off without any spooce bows or tomahawks?"

Ken sighed. An unwilling comrade was the last thing he needed. He took a deep breath.

"Just wait a second. Lemme go over the plan one more time."

___________

Spelling, grammar, and punctuation also need a lot of work. I suggest running your stories through a spell checker before posting them.

And for the last time, just edit your posts with the new parts insteading of triple-posting. If someone replies, then you can post a new part instead of editing.

3/10

[Patrick Vykkers]

I have 2 questions;

1.How can the Oddworldians speak English?
2.How would Oddworldians know what a human is? Is there a Glukkon called Gninnal Enrol who made a series of games called Terra?

[Minch]

If you played Munch's Oddyssey, they sure seem to speak english to me.
The part how they know what a human is is still to be revealed, later.

There is some spelling errors because I have to type hard on my keyboard.

[Minch]

Thanks for the creative correction Mistur, I just rush a bit too much.

[Minch]

Look, sorry about the post thing, I'm just not used to it.
There is going to be many more parts to the story if I am going to write it properly. Please wait a bit.

[Rex Tirano]

Minch! FFS. Stop bloody double/triple/etc. posting! It's against the rules and as several members have already told you not to do this and have told you about the edit button I feel that I have to give you an infraction. Please don't do it, there is an edit button for a reason!

- Rexy

[Minch]

Um, I am a little confused, how am I double posting?

I will write the next part of the story tomorrow.

Am I doing it right now?

[Patrick Vykkers]

Double/triple/quadruple posting is posting consecutively 2 or more times in a row.

[mitsur]

*reads Minch's posts*

...

/wrists

[Ajiellyn]

I just want to mention that I agree with Mitsur, you might want to give a shot at writing in story format and he took a bit of his time out to show you how it works, so try to take something from his post.

And yes, you're doing it right now, that's how you edit posts. Just keep writing and maybe try to give Mitsur's idea a shot.

[Minch]

Despite Slag's descision to serve the Glukkons once again, Kenny was now responcible for the Mudokon Scrubs and their safety. Kenny carefully snuck back to the cargo area to ready the Mudokons and there was little time left.
Ambushing the new patrolling Sligs was the most important part of the escape. Kenny had three to wait behind a crate and the rest had to work on knocking out the power to the security cameras. A Mudokon hiding behind the crate sighed and said to his neighbor;
"So what does he want us to do?"
The other two Mudokons rolled their eyes and replied;
"He wants up to wait behind here until the Sligs walk by. Then we smack the in the head with these sticks."

The other Mudokons were struggling with their plan as much as the ones behind the large, wooden crate.
"What do we do here?"
One Mudokon was fiddling with the cables in the big fuse box, he had no idea what cord was for the security cameras. He really had no idea what to do at all.
"Maybe he meant to tell us to pull ALL the cords out." Said the fiddling Mudokon.
"It shouldn't matter, just pull every last one of those right out when he gives us the signal." Replied the third Mudokon.

"Three Mudokons at that crate and the last three at the fuse box. This is going to work." Said Kenny while he cocked the pistol he stole from Slag. The moment he turned his head to peek around HIS crate, two Sligs were marching down the hallway;
"I hope those three hit them hard enough to knock em out." Kenny whispered to himself. Ken waited for the Sligs to pass the crate then stole a peek to see them fall to the floor after a heavy bludgeon to the head. Kenny dashed over to the Mudokons and the fallen Sligs to help them hide the bodies, fortunatly, there were plenty of shadows to hide em in.

Kenny smiled and gave a wink at the Mudokons;
"Now we wait until the other ones stroll down the hall looking for their replacements."

A few minutes later the Sligs at the entrance were babbling and whining about their missing replacements.
"What is going on and why are they late now?" Asked the first Slig. The second Slig sighed and said;
"Hell knows. They probably doze off again like last week." Both the Sligs complained for another minute and agreed to find their replacements, taking off to the hall.

Kenny pulled his arm back, ready to swing from behind the crate and strike the Sligs. He swung out and bashed the frist Slig in the face, knocking him out cold. The second pulled out his tonfa and swung out at Ken but narrowly missed. Ken pointed his gun at the Slig and snapped his fingers, which was the signal for the Mudokons by the crate to move up and hide the first Slig.
"Drop the tonfa."
Kenny was not the persuasive type but a gun in his hand gave him the advantage. The Slig dropped his tonfa. Before the Slig could react, he saw a huge fist come right into his face which blew him off his feet and knocked him out cold just like his partner.

"Ok, kill the cameras by the door." Kenny said to the Mudokons by the fuse box.
A brilliant flash lit up hallway as the cords were rent from the box. Kenny's eyes widened and yelled out "No, the ones for the cameras! Can't you read the instructions on the side?"
The Mudokons by the box panicked and ran for the exit as the alarm blared throughout the entire facility. Kenny panicked and yelled out to all the Mudokons;
'We tripped the alarm, let's get out of here!"

Everyone ran out the door and dashed past the landmines in the courtyard like rabid mongeese. The Sligs at the bridge were rushing to the facility until Kenny and the Mudokons came into sight. They struggled to pull out their tonfas but they were too late. The rushing crowd blew right through them and knocked them off the slim ridge into the water and drowned.

A good five minuted later, everyone felt safe enough to stop running for a while. Kenny sat on a tree trunk and announced;
"We are free. That was so close too." The Mudokons cheered and praised Kenny for helping them escape.
But things were just starting to get worse. Not only will they have to avoid Sligs and Slogs, maybe even Big Bros from finding them, they will have to worry about the Vykkers that probably know where he is right now. The Flubco CEO has probably already told them by now. Their only hope now is to hide in the Raisin's cave.
But there is still unansweded questions;
-How did he he get here if he wasn't teleported by technology?
-How does everyone know he is a human?

-To be continued-




Is that better?

Thanks, i'll write like this from now on. There will be more parts but that's cool.

[mitsur]

Much better. Well done.

[Flamefox]

*claps* There we go!

[Zozo the Zrilufet]

Yay, its better, I give you a cookie(Gives cookie).

[Minch]

God damn it!
I wrote a very long part of the story and my computer fooked up and I lost it all!
I'll write it again tomorrow!
Agh, I am so annoyed!

Is there anyone with "darkus" in their email address' name. Someone is trying to get on my MSN contact list.

[Minch]

Once the Mudokons stopped cheering they were on the run again. Getting to Raisin's cave will be long and dangerous with what lies ahead and with the Industrial forces and Vykkers chasing Kenny down.

Kenny and the six Mudokons were taking a quick break from the pusuit. Their legs burned like a blazing fire. One of the Mudokons spotted a bush that contained edible herbs and everyone started to eat them, after all, Ken hasn't eaten anything really decent since he was breaking his back at Flubco.
Ken turned to the Mudokon next to him and asked;
"How long will it take for us to get to Spooceshrub forest?" He wiped the sweat from his mug as he asked. The Mudokon looked at him and replied;
"Well, it could take up to four days as long as the Scrabs or other wildlife let us live." He was picking his teeth while he answered.
Another Mudokon turned to Ken and said;
No. We can go through Mount Everodd and save two days walking. I don't know about the rest of you guys but I don't want to keep this up for the next four days while those Industrial punks and mad scientists are chasing us." The other five Mudokons muttered among themselves, turned to Kenny and said;
"He has a point. Going through Mount Everodd will make the trip much quicker and probably less dangerous than going around it." The Mudokon seemed to really want Ken to agree.
Kenny nodded in agreement.
"Is there any danger in the mountain?" He asked as everyone got up and caught their breath. Each Mudokon looked at each other and one turned to Ken and said;
"The mountain is the location of one of Oddworld's oldest sanctuaries built by our ancestors many years ago."
Kenny was immidiatly curious about what early Mudokons looked like. It was a difficult thing to imagine so he asked.
"What did your ancestors look like?"
The Mudokons scratched their heads and thought for a moment.
"We aren't really sure. Maybe the Big Face or Shaman can tell you that."
Out of the blue, one of the Mudokons yelled "Stop" and announced;
"Can we talk about this later? We are stil being pursued by them Industrial shmucks!"
Everyone came to their sensed again and started running West to get to Mount Everodd. Skipping and jumping through the thick, rough foilage and tall grass. It was still dead in the night and vision was poor so everyone just had to look at the sky and run tawards the pyramid-like shape blocking part of the moon which was the peak of the mountain.

After a long run everyone took a break under a fallen tree near the water surrounding the mountain. Kenny caught his breath and asked the neighboring Mudokon about the mountain.
"What can you tell me about the sanctuary?" He wiped the sweat off his brow and waited for a responce.
"The bottom is flooded with water and the sanctuary is in the heart of the mountain. There are Zap Totems scattered throughout the mountain to provide light in the hallways and chambers."
Kenny was curious and confused. He had no idea what a Zap Totem was or how they worked. "How do we get inside?"
Another Mudokon turned to Ken and answered his question.
"There is a stone door that opens the door to the sanctuary. The main purpose of the sanctuary was for protection of predators in the old days."

Everyone got up and ran tawards Mount Everodd. It was much larger than it appeared. It looked like a giant fang coming out of the ground.
After a short walk, everyone came to a large ston door. It was about ten feet tall and wide enough for two trucks driving side-by-side to get through.
Ken stood still as he obseved the door. It had no knob and it had large runes carved into it. Kenny walked up to the door and tried to push it open but it wouldn't budge.
The Mudokons laughed maniacally at his efforts to open the door. Ken turned around and asked;
"How do you open it?" The Mudokons got in a line.
"Step away from the door."
Ken did as they said and the Mudokons started chanting in some foreign language. The door's runed glowed a bright Azure colour and it slowly opened. Ken's eyes widened from amazement and asked;
"How did you do that?"
The Mudokons turned to Kenny and replied;
"We opened the door using a special chant."
"Is there some way I can learn to do that?"
They looked at each other and replied to Ken;
"Maybe Big Face can show you." Kenny's eyes returned to normal and he whispered a small remark;
"This Big Face must be quite the magician..."

Everyone walked into the darkness of the mountain. The only light came from the moon outside. Suddenly, the giant door slammed shut with a deafening slam and everything went pitch-black.
Kenny panicked and yelled out;
"What happened. I can't see anything!"
A chanting noise echoed in the dark and crackling sounds of electricity filled the room. A nearby Totem about the size of a Big Bro lit up and lit the large chamber up.
Kenny was even more curious about the Zap Totems and "Chanting".
Everyone turned around and froze from fright. About seventy five Fleeched filled the room.
Kenny's face turned pale as he reached for his gun, the holster felt empty. He returned his gaze to the Fleech hive and said;
"Oh, bugger."

-To be continued-

[Minch]

Sorry I haven't posted the next part yet, I will get it done tomorrow.

How are you all liking the story?

[Minch]

Ken must have dropped his gun while he was skipping through all the tall grass and foilage outside. The large gathering of Fleeches showed their big jagged teeth to Kenny and the Mudokons and began to edge closer to them.

Kenny and the Mudokons ran back to the door and leaned against it, facing the Fleeches.
"Now what do we do? I lost my pistol." Kenny's face was drained pale like a ghost.
The shivering Mudokons looked around the chamber for a second, looking for a way out but the tunnel to the next chamber was blocked by the savages.
One Mudokon tapped Kenny's shoulder and shouted;
"Look, we can climb the wall of the chamber!" He pointed to the wall on the right side of the door which was jagged with stairway-like rock formations that lead up and around the chamber to another cavern entry.
Ken and the other Mudokons ran to the rocks and started climbing as fast as they could. The Fleeches swarmed and started crawling up the wall.
The Mudokon at the bottom panicked and yelled;
"The little buggers are climbing up the walls! Can they even do that? That's not fair!"
Ken looked down and started climbing faster. The Mudokons climbed faster so Ken fell behind a little bit.

As they got higher it got harder to climb bacause the rocks were getting smaller and more unstable. One Mudokon slipped from a rock but the one behind him broke his fall. The Fleeches were still behind but were catching up slowly. Ken got tired long before the Mudokons so he was huffing and puffing as he climbed, they were almost to the cavern entry way.
The first Modokon pulled himself up onto the flat surface near the cavern and started pulling the next up, then the next and so on.
Just Kenny and one Mudokon was left climbing, Kenny was fairly behind the Mudokon.
"Wait up...I am so tired."
The Mudokon turned his head as he climbed and looked at Kenny.
"Kepp climbing, we are almost the-"
The rock that the Mudokon was atop of gave away and fell to the floor of the chamber, taking him with him. Loud screames filled the chamber and came to a sudden stop.
Kenny never though he would see someone die like that. He pressed his face against the rock he was sitting on.
The Fleeched turned away and made haste to the chamber floor to eat what was left of him. Now there was a big gap between his rock and the next.

The other Mudokons stopped weeping and climbed down to the rock Ken had to reach.
"Ken, take my hand! We'll pull you up."
The gap was roughly seven feet tall.
"Reach!"
Ken removed his face from the rocky surface and jumped for the Mudokon's hand. Ken was a little heavier so another had to help pull.
They climbed to the top and stood near the cavern entry.
Before they moved on, Ken peered over the cliff, and it was a bad idea.
The Fleeched were ripping the Mudokon's body apart. Ken looked away and ran into the tunnel.

The tunnel was short and narrow. At the end was another chamber with no doors or caverns. Just a bit of light from a nearby Zap Totem provided enough sight to reveal a bigger totem and a pedestal at it's base.
Ken was curious about the totem so he asked;
"What does this thing do? It's huge."
The Mudokons turned and replied.
"This Zap Totem is supposed to make something move or appear somewhere in this room. But, we can't use it."
Kenny was puzzled.
"Why?"
"Ugh...(Are humans this stupid?) See the six sacred drawings on the floor? There are five of us so we won't have enough power to activate it.

A flash lit beside Ken and a Mudokon with spiritual wear and narrow eyes appeared.
"Hey, hey. This must be the human. If you want to get out of this place alive, you better activate...wait, was there six of you Ex-Scrubs here before? Nevermind...I'll open it myself."
Kenny recieved a shock when Shaman appeared beside him. He was confused how everyone knew a human was in Oddworld.
Shaman chanted for about a minute and activated the Totem. It flashed with brilliant lightning and glowing runes. A section of the wall moved to reveal outside. Green trees and rivers.
Shaman faced the Mudokons and Kenny.
"Ok, now get your buts over to the Almighty Raisin's Cave."
Ken stepped forward and confronted Saman.
"How did I get here and how do you know who and what I am."
Shaman shook his head and said;
"You must have been unconscious in Vykkers Labs for a few days because when they caught you they made a worldwide annoncement declaring that they found a human."
"But how do they know what I am?"
Shaman grew impatient and yelled;
"Just get out of here and get to the cave!"
He disappeared.

Ken was getting seriously frustrated.
"Ok, show me the way to the cave."
The Mudokons nodded and said;
"Let's be on out way."
Before they made a step. The pedestal by the Totem made a noise and an object rose out of the hole atop it. It shone with a brilliant metal shine and Azure runes. The handle was sturdy, made of foreign material. It was thick and flat at the end. It looked like some freak machete about 1/2 meter or so long.
The Mudokons and Kenny stared at the brilliance and the Mudokons said;
"The Mudoblade!"
Ken asked;
"The what?"
The Mudokons looked like they,ve seen a ghost.
"The most legendary piece of metal in all Oddworld."
The Mudoblade floated above the pedestal, glowing with a blue aura.

Fleeched swarmed out of the tunnel, scaring everyone to their feet. They looked hungrier than ever. Ken stumbled to his feet and grabbed the Mudoblade. A Fleech charged at him and Ken swing the blade down upon it.
The fleech was cut in two, glowing Azure where it had been cut, then the light fades away.
The Fleech swarm backed off and started edging away...

Ken was absolutely asounded by the force of the blow and how easy it was to swing.
"Holy..."
The Mudokons stood in amazement and stared at him like he was some sort of legendary figure.
"He can hold it guys."
Ken was curious but he was tired of questions and drowned in frustration.
Everyone greeted the day and walked into the trees and grass, Raisin's Cave wasn't far now.

-To be continued-

Ok, ease off the insults Mistur, please...I am not ten years old.
Are you saying my story is horrible?

Thanks Zozo, at least one person likes my story.

[mitsur]

Sorry I haven't posted the next part yet, I will get it done tomorrow.

How are you all liking the story?

Oh no, it's truly horrible. And yet you are still triple posting. Get some brains and edit the posts, before you get banned for good reason.

I'm just glad you actually followed the suggestions.

[Zozo the Zrilufet]

Oh no, it's truly horrible. And yet you are still triple posting. Get some brains and edit the posts, before you get banned for good reason.

I'm just glad you actually followed the suggestions.

Oh joy, another cynist to put on the s*** list in my mind.

[mitsur]

My apologies, Zozo. I can be a bit blunt at times.

Hey, but it's better than just flat out telling him it's good. Sure, he'll be encouraged, but he won't break out of this kind of writing. I consider telling him the truth will force him to get better.

Minch, you certainly have potential, but you're going to have to step up your game if you want that potential to shine through.

I still see numerous grammatical and spelling errors, I suggest using spell check, like I have before. I understand if it's one or two, since nobody is perfect, but there's too many to get by on this excuse. Story is interesting, but the details are a bit lacking.

Definitely an improvement, but it's still falling a bit short.

5/10

Keep in mind I have no expertise in this area, I am merely basing my opinions on my own thoughts. Thus I could be horribly, terribly wrong, and this could be a best seller yet to be discovered.

Though, if I may be so bold, I doubt it.

Minch, keep it up, and I am sure you will become quite good.

Zozo, again, my apologies for not being gentle.

[Zozo the Zrilufet]

My apologies, Zozo. I can be a bit blunt at times.

Hey, but it's better than just flat out telling him it's good. Sure, he'll be encouraged, but he won't break out of this kind of writing. I consider telling him the truth will force him to get better.

Zozo, again, my apologies for not being gentle.

Well fine, you win me over, but mostly because I'm a soft guillible lump. Well yeah, lying is wrong, but if you just say 'oh its terrible' and not say how to improve, then that ain't gonna help either.

[Minch]

Well fine, you win me over, but mostly because I'm a soft guillible lump Well yeah, lying is wrong, but if you just say 'oh its terrible' and not say how to improve, then that ain't gonna help either.

Thanks Zozo, but I have some bad new right now.
I have to go away for a week so I won't be able to write the rest of the story till I get back.
I don't know how they,ll mark this message as a double-post or what but...I don't If I'll get banned for telling a reason why there won't be any more of the story for a week.

[Minch]

Sorry to leave you all hanging wondering when I was going to finish this but I just got out of the hospital a few days ago...had an accident and almost broke my neck! I will get this back on track soon.

[Zozo the Zrilufet]

Eep.....Well the accident sounds interesting, I suppose that couold be inspiration for writing or. ...I dunno. EH, good luck with that anyways.

[Havoc]

Minch, small general pointer. I usualy do allow douple, tripple or whatever posting in the fan corner but only when it concerns the topic's content AKA a story chapter or pictures or something. Please don't randomly post stuff 8 (!!!!) posts in a row. Good work on using the pointers Mitsur gave you. Don't mind PV, he's an idiot anyway.