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: Crap or not?
It worth keeping. 6 75.00%
Get rid of this crap! 2 25.00%
: 8.

 
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  #1  
02-18-2007, 11:23 AM
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moxco
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My fan story: the white fuzzle.

Okay, I have writen a fan story I want to know if it is worth making any more chapters, simply vote if should keep making it or not okay here it is:

THE WHITE FUZZLE

1

Vykkers Labs was a harsh place, Hughie knew this because he had spent his whole life there. Well nearly his whole life, he came to Vykkers Labs when he was three. At the age of three, when some Interns had taken half his village as slaves. When they got to Vykkers labs the Interns realized they had a baby mudokon, so they sent him to Vykkers labs nursery. Now at the age of 14 Hughie had been working his ass of for 6 years. Hughie had to scrub the burner, most of the time usually after some forgetful Vykker left a fuzzle on it. When the burner was clean he would have to clean and fix the fuzzle trolleys.
2

“Wake up, WAKE UP! You lazy mudokon,” screamed Hughie’s boss, Edward. Hughie knew he was in trouble for dozing of, He knows they’ll hit with the shock rockers bat. Today was Hughie’s lucky day, Eddy only had time to hit him 4 times, unlike the usual 12. “Lunch break”, said a voice over the P.A. system. The slaves only get two meals a day, lunch and dinner. Hughie remembered in the village he had 4: Lunch, dinner, breakfast and midnight snack. Although his parents weren’t aware of the last one. Every lunch and every dinner they get the same old thing; a big pile of green mush and a small pile of yellow mush, the green mush was revolting but Hughie had got use to it. The yellow mush was alright but nothing like what his Ma fed him in the village. Hughie had just finished lunch when the message over the P.A. System.”3293 report to Edwards office”,3293 that was Hughie’s slave number, Slave numbers were only used by Vykkers, the other muds just referred to there given name, when they rarely talked. Hughie opened Edward’s door and was shocked from what he saw.
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  #2  
02-18-2007, 11:44 AM
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Alf Shall Rise
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Hmm interesting. I like it. Needs some improvements, but I'm not a writing master :P. Nice explaining things, and I like green mush .
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  #3  
02-18-2007, 11:50 AM
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moxco
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Oh yeah sorry about posting in the wrong section.
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  #4  
02-18-2007, 03:21 PM
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It's worth keeping. Anything is, if you work hard enough at it.
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Our fate is sealed only when we accept it. -~Arxryl~-

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  #5  
02-18-2007, 10:40 PM
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It's interesting and worth keeping.
It does need improvement though. What i've learnt from writing short stories or narratives is that you can never be too descriptive. Give the reader insight on the atmosphere of Vykker's Labs. How dark and cold it is.
Giving the reader a mental image is what reading is technically about.
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  #6  
02-19-2007, 02:06 PM
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Jordan
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Um... It's not really that amazing, but keep it if you want, it's up to you.
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