My story:The playstation Diamond Sisters part1 Oddworld

[Sapphire Diamond]

*** INTRODUTION***


Sapphire, Ruby and Emerald Diamond are three sisters. They love playing on games.
Emerald owns a green PSP and a clear controller for Ruby’s playstation one. Ruby owns a playstation one and a grey controller. Sapphire, though, owns a black controller for Ruby’s playstation one and an Xbox.
They played on games since the sisters where little. Now, Sapphire is 19 years old, Ruby is 10 years old and Emerald is 23 years old.
Sapphire always wondered what it would be like being in Oddworld. One night, she opened her window, stuck her head out, looked at the stars and wished with her eyes close.
‘I wish we were in Oddworld’

HEY! IVE FINERLLY DONE IT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HERE IS CHAPTER 1 ENJOY!

SPEICALLY WRITTEN FOR GAIJIN-SENSEI



***1***
THE JORNEY BEGINS

Sapphire slowly opened her eyes, then shot up in a sitting position.
‘Where am I?’ She whispered. She was in a bed with clear white sheets. Her wide sapphire blue eyes scanned the room. The wall was cold looking. The cold touch of grey metal walls had huge pipes weaving in and out the walls and roof. Her long, dark blue ponytail gently fell off her shoulder in her one-minute silence of confusion. Still puzzled, she climbed out of the bed and her bare feet landed on the cold stone floor.
Feeling the coldness in her feet, she looked down and saw her bare feet and legs. Then she looked herself. No clothes! She was standing in the middle of the room only in her underwear? In her shock, she searches the room in great panic. Then she saw a little brown bag with clothes neatly folded next to it. In a rush, she scrambled the clothes on.
She was fully dressed in a light blue, sleeve-less t-shirt, black leather pants which were tucked in her big black boots with long brown laces, and a black belt. She smiled to herself, and then she turned to the mystery brown bag on the floor. She kneeled down to it and search in the bag to see anything that explains were she was and what happened. She felt a leather cover on something. She pulled her arm out and fished out a black leather book with a big red ‘P’ and a big blue ‘S’.
PS
‘PS? PS…PLAY STATION!!’ Sapphire thought. She opened the mystery book and started to read the first chapter
1:HELLO
You’re wish came true.
You must not worry about your friends and family and your world. Time has frozen. You may enjoy your time, but you have MISSIONS.
SELECT=to see MISSIONS

She turned the page over.
2:MISSIOONS
Press SELECT and a graphical screen will appear out of a small black square in the middle of your controller.

3:CONTROLLER
Each will have a controller of your own. You will have INFINITY life.
You will be hurt,
You will be bruised
You will be in pain
You will bleed
But you won’t DIE!
If anything important is needed, hold your controller and think of the item. It may be in you’re pocket or you’re bag soon. Now start
YOU’RE ADVENTURE!

Sapphire looked at the bottom of the page.

WARNING: If you don’t do your missions, you and you’re company will NEVER ESCAPE!

Sapphire swallowed and gently closed the book.
‘Company?’ She asked herself. A million questions flooded in her mind.
Then the word controller came into her mind. She dipped her hand in the bag again and pulled out a shiny black controller. It was glowing blur and red brightly.
She forgotten about her important missions and held the controller tightly. Something fell in her bag. She quickly fished her hand in the bag and held out a penknife. She did it again and also held out a torch. She started to think more things but then she gasped.
‘God, I’m still here! I need to find my sisters so they won’t get hurt.’ She paused ‘and maybe me.’ She got up on her feet and placed the brown bag on her back. She tightly tied the black controller’s wire around her belt. She walked toward the door and opened it cautionary.

[Arxryl]

Very cool! that's an interesting twist to the theme! I can't wait to read more!

[Jordan]

That's very good... a very Odd twist to it, I'd like to see more!!

[mitsur]

Not to be harsh, but there are quite a few things I think could make this better. I'll stream line it so you don't give up mid-post and fall asleep, like I have when people tell me suggestions in long and over-complicated posts.

• Grammar. Run your story through the provided spell-checker in the posting box. Even better, use a writing program avaliable on you computer. I prefer Microsoft Word, as it has sentence structure correcting as well. A few mistakes here and there is accepted, since most people don't notice it. But I saw frequent misspellings and grammatical issues in this. Most commonly, you used 'you're', which is short for 'you are', instead of 'your'. And you seemed to capitalize things that did not need it. Like bolding, underlining, or italicizing, capatalization should be used sparingly, to get a point across more.

• Spacing. The paragraphs seem either too rushed or too tedious. Break up your bigger sections into smaller parts, and don't be afraid to combine sentences into a paragraph.

• Plot. Now, i'm not saying the story is great already. In fact, like everyone else before has said, it's an interesting way to portray Oddworld. But, it seemed a bit too easy for Sapphire to get into Oddword. Maybe add a few details, like as she said her wish, a brisk gust shook the house, so it is foreshadowed that it'll come true. Just little details like that make it so much better!

Oh, look at me. I tried to stream line it and now it looks like I'm telling you everything that's wrong. I'm not, it's just some things I saw that could make this better. But what the hell do I know, I haven't even posted a fan fiction in forever.

Still, it looks interesting so far, and I hope you'll use my suggestions to make it even better!

[Arxryl]

Yes. Mistsur made some interesting points. This isn't bad at all, it is actually very helpful.
Later on in the story you could collaberate on how the character got the controller. like, maybe some unknown force pulled them to oddworld to help save somehting, or to aid with something that has gone terribly wrong.

However, the story begining is pretty good so far, and I still can't wait to read the rest. the opening is always a good way to grab readers, and you did a pretty good job!

[Sapphire Diamond]

I know ^^ thank you for being so soft with it instead of being harsh^^ Here's more^^
CHAPTER 2 RUBY’S NEW ADMIRERS

Sapphire poked her head out of the large gloomy arch way and saw a big hall, all grey and cold metal walls with concrete floor. She was on a high ledge and a ladder hanging from it. She looked up and saw a huge T.V screen with sligs marching and a glukkon standing on a big stand proudly.

‘Isn’t that General Dripik?’ Sapphire asked amazed and pointed finger at the screen.

She carried on searching for her sisters. She climbed down the ladder. As she walked on the cold concrete floor and saw a big sigh above double doors. The sigh had a big yellow mudokon face with big black letters saying:

CAFÉ

She pushed the double doors open and gasped. She had never seen so many sligs. She found herself in a canteen with hundreds and hundreds of sligs drinking tea with their little fingers sticking up in a posh way. She scanned her eyes and something caught her attention. She saw a small girl with red short hair, small pretty features and a red-sleeve-less dress and huge red boots which goes up to her knees. It was Ruby Diamond. Ruby was surrounded by sligs sitting and lying around her, dreamily looking at her. Sapphire ran to Ruby.

‘Hey Ruby, what are you doing here with all these sligs?’ Sapphire asked, squatting down to ruby’s level next to where ruby was sitting. Wide pink eyes gazed up at her, surprised. Then, slowly, Ruby pulled a lock of hair out of her mouth, where she was chewing on it nervously, and got her feet to hug Sapphire. Sapphire stood up.

‘Sapphire? you’re here too?’ Ruby asked in a quite voice.

‘Yes! I’m here’ Sapphire yelled in a sarcastic voice. ‘You thought hat I wasn’t here you can do the hell you like without getting into trouble, didn’t you?’

Ruby gave her innocent eyes and shook her head. But Sapphire was not fooled.

‘Listen, Ruby. We got to get out of here. You’ll never know…a slig might shot us.’ Sapphire hissed, placing her hand on Ruby’s shoulder. Ruby shook her head, no.

‘All the sligs like me.’ Ruby smiled. Sapphire shook her head.

‘Okay’ Sapphire tried to be serious. ‘Stay here and I mean it... I’ll g and investigate.’ Ruby smiled.

‘At least I get to stay with the sligs.’ Ruby thought.

Sapphire sighed and left the café. She looked around the hall and saw a dark tunnel. She walked through the darkness and suddenly tripped on something. She got sucked in a tunnel on the floor, a well. Dust kept getting in her eyes and her heart was hitting under her blue sleeve-less top in panic. She tightly closed her eyes and………..

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hehehe sorry for the crap grammer and such, ive got most of my dad and he's bad at grammer and such so..i'll try and improve^^hehehe

[Arxryl]

Pretty good! the only thing I'd change is the spelling of some words and maybe, as you said, grammar. but other than that it is a wonderful story so far!

[Sapphire Diamond]

is that andra From the little shop of horrors? I luv that film^^

[Arxryl]

um...yes. and I believe his name is Audrey...

And I still like your story!

[Sapphire Diamond]

sorry bad speller^^