re written oddworld adventures 6

snoozer · #1 06-02-2005, 03:42 AM

chapter 1

As the thunder crashes down on the rough trees a mudokon could be heared.HELP,HELP,HELP shouted a terrified and helpless mudokon as he dashed along the wet roads.then as a large kokki tree tumbled violently in his path.
'DAMN' shouted Sean
So he ran into the woods when he trips over a polished blue stone an old tablet with a picture on it.Sean picked them up and ran into the woods as the curious flying sligs looked over he had disapperd.But really he was hiding, in a bush.Sean examined it and diceded to take it to bigface there spiritual leader.As Sean ran past hungry herds of hungy creatures Sean finnaly reached there village.but it was deserted as if everyone had gone doen the market but then out of the shadows,came mollock the glukkon.
'il,em'shouted mollock then a band of big bro sligs came out and knocked sean unconsous.As they dragged into a room sean found himself about to be dropped into a slog kennel.Sean kicked the slig in the face and sent him hurtling into the wall and rebounding him straight into the kennel.Sean then kicked the lever to close the opening and then kicked it again to free himself.Sean then found his way through rupterfarms and found the artifacts and went to see bigface at his temple.Bigface examined the artifacts and told sean to take them to the ritual.

Kimon · #2 06-02-2005, 04:40 AM

It's better, but still needs improvment.

You need to work on grammar.
You still need the character development. Why was Sean running? What are his motives?
There's also some spelling errors.

But it's better. Also, no need to make a new thread, you could've just posted this in the old one.

drakan90 · #3 06-02-2005, 12:19 PM

Once again, I'm no expert but...
boy is that the most random thing ever.

Most of the stuff that happens there, when written properly, should take at least several chapters.

Its like, for example, an Abes Oddysee Fanfiction going like this:
Abe saw they were making his friends into food and he ran away and got out because he hit his head off a pipe when he was in a barrel then he saw the moon and fell off a cliff but then he went to Scrabania and Paramonia and got the Shrykull power so he went back to Rupture Farms and blew it up.

See? Thats a whole game, but its totally condensed, so its not a good read.
Thats basically what you've done.

Dipstikk · #4 06-02-2005, 12:21 PM

Let's review what the EDIT button does.

It's that nifty little button at the bottom right of your original post that lets you alter it without creating three more threads of the same type.

Please use the EDIT button.

Or, alternitively, you can just REPLY to your original first post. That would be good two.

But now, we have three posts of the same subject.

drakan90 · #5 06-02-2005, 12:42 PM

lol.
Can this person work a Forum?
...or a computer?

No offense, but how old are you Snoozer?

Kimon · #6 06-02-2005, 12:46 PM

He's 12.

And he still can't figure out the Edit button.

Dark Elite_H2 · #7 06-02-2005, 01:32 PM

Isn't 'dere an Edit button at the bottom of yer post?

I rest my case.

Kimon · #8 06-02-2005, 01:33 PM

:

Isn't 'dere an Edit button at the bottom of yer post?

I rest my case.

Was that directed at me? If so, it made no sense.

drakan90 · #9 06-02-2005, 02:28 PM

If Dark Elites trying to say he cant see an Edit button at the bottom of your post...
Then he hasnt realised you can only edit your own posts :-P

odd chick · #10 06-02-2005, 09:05 PM

:

It's better, but still needs improvment.

You need to work on grammar.
You still need the character development. Why was Sean running? What are his motives?
There's also some spelling errors.

But it's better. Also, no need to make a new thread, you could've just posted this in the old one.

I completely agree with all of this. I will admit your story has improved since you first posted it, but you still have issues with grammar. Character development is one of the most important parts of a fanfic as well.

Just fix all of that, and the story will be even better.

Also, you posted, like, 2 or 3 threads based on this one story. Just use the edit button at the bottom of your post and you can fix the errors that way.

snoozer · #11 06-15-2005, 11:47 AM

sorry i have not been on for a while i am 11 i am use to now grammar even through i get nagged about it at school yes there is a edit button

snoozer · #12 06-15-2005, 11:48 AM

12 this year actually