Revenge for Demon-Fire: Episode I

[Abe16]

Hello and welcome to one of my latest stories.
I just thought this story up and decieded to make this up as I go along.
_________________________________________________________________
Chapter I: The Burniation
Dennis, returned to his home from a long day of hiking in the fresh air when he found his cottage in flames and ashes. "W-what happend to my house!?" Wondered Dennis. "I k-know what happend, I saw it all behind the safety of this rock. A mysterious dragon had come out of it's cave to his daily
burnination." the shaking mudokon said. "it's name is Demon-Fire." he said. "Well i shall seek out revenge fo Demon-Fire." Dennis declared. "No! You won't come back alive!" The mudokon said. "I'll find a way!" Dennis said marching to the cliff to the cave.

"Why can't I go in?" Dennis asked. "Well, you aren't in proper clothing, you aren't going to last 3 seconds without armour!" The guard said. "Well, some how I'll get some armour. Dennis finds some other cave and figures that A crazed beast lives and might find guard corpses. He was right. "Oooh, look! Armour, i'll just-" Dennis was cut-off by a raging and crazed Scrab has scars everywhere and is almost bigger than the cave! The scrab screeched and tried to kill Dennis! "Yikes!" Dennis Yelped. Dennis picked up a sword from a corpse and sliced it near the ribs! It screeched it pain and cut Dennis in the leg. "Ouch!" Dennis yelled in pain. he took the sword and lunged and the scrab with so much anger and power, that he cut the scrab in half all the way to the cave ground! it shook and Dennis ran out before he could grab the armor. "Crud, oh well, at least I got this freally cool sword." Dennis said to
himself.
_________________________________________________________________
Chapter II will be continued tomorrow.

[drakan90]

Okay, firstly, the Chapter title 'Burnination' kinda made me think "This'll be bad" before I read it, so I'd change that if I were you. (First impressions and all)

And secondly, you havent explained anything.
Who's Dennis? Why is there a Mudokon outside his burnt house? Why is the Dragon called Demon-Fire? Not that the names in my fic are original (they're all anagrams and stuff) but come on, at least call it: Inferno or something cheesy like that.

Thirdly: Armor, Sword, Dragon - Mudokon, Scrab. Not much of a link there.

Also, it goes too fast. The reader has no attachment to Dennis OR his house, and he gets to the Dragons Cave too quickly! Your first chapter is two paragraphs long, and he's done a stories worth of stuff.

Oh yeah and why is there a dragon cave right near this guys house, which comes down for DAILY 'burninations' and this guy knows nothing about? Is he retarded or what? What race is he anyway? Is he human?

[Dipstikk]

Somebody needs to lay off of www.homestarrunner.com/ ...

[odd chick]

Okay, firstly, the Chapter title 'Burnination' kinda made me think "This'll be bad" before I read it, so I'd change that if I were you. (First impressions and all)

And secondly, you havent explained anything.
Who's Dennis? Why is there a Mudokon outside his burnt house? Why is the Dragon called Demon-Fire? Not that the names in my fic are original (they're all anagrams and stuff) but come on, at least call it: Inferno or something cheesy like that.

Thirdly: Armor, Sword, Dragon - Mudokon, Scrab. Not much of a link there.

Also, it goes too fast. The reader has no attachment to Dennis OR his house, and he gets to the Dragons Cave too quickly! Your first chapter is two paragraphs long, and he's done a stories worth of stuff.

Oh yeah and why is there a dragon cave right near this guys house, which comes down for DAILY 'burninations' and this guy knows nothing about? Is he retarded or what? What race is he anyway? Is he human?

I agree with mostly everything posted here. I especially agree with the explinations-you should explain why the Dragon burned Dennis's home down and why the Dragon is called is called Demon-Fire. Also, character development is VERY important in a story-bring their emotions, personality, and characteristics out more. Also, it really DOES go too fast-draw it out a bit more: put more description into it. Other than that, I don't think your idea is bad-the story has potential, in my opinion.

[drakan90]

Dipstikk, I cant see anything through that link but a black page.
You're gonna have to tell me whats in there, dude.

And if its something about my critisms being offensive...
I dont MEAN to be offensive, really.
I just dont see the point of writing 'Oh and maybe you should try...' and 'And what might be partially better is...' and 'I'm sure you'll do better next time'
Because there's just no need, and lifes to short to type what I just typed thus shortening time I have left in my life...damn.
^^^Also not offensive, I hope

[odd chick]

...Is your second part directed toward me? Because I never thought that you were being offensive. :S I was just pointing out that I agreed with what you said-if you mistook my meaning, then I apologize and I guess I should be a bit more clear. And actually, I feel that I should explain the certain writing techniques and tips that writers should try to follow-it helps them out sometimes and I just don't like for people to give up on things they enjoy doing. But if that wasn't directed toward me, then I was mistaken and I apologize for that as well.

[andy86]

I cant see anything through that link but a black page.

Homestar Runner is there. You probably need better flash to view it or something, although it should tell you that. The Homestar Runner Wiki will tell you everything you never needed to know about him and his friends.

[drakan90]

"Is your second part directed toward me?"
Nah I meant Dipstikk, cos I couldnt see what the link was, and thought it might be something about someone being aggressively...critisising...or something.

Now I can see whats in there (through Andy's link)...but I still dont understand what it has to do with what I said...
Its a white...thingy....with a shirt and hat...and...

Theres quite a lot of info there, could you explain what you meant, Dipstikk?

[andy86]

Dipstikk may or may not come back and post, but anyway... one of the more imaginary characters on homestarrunner.com is Trogdor, a dragon that lives in a cave. Every night he comes out and "burninates" the peasants, the village and the countryside. In one of the flash games on the site you play as Rather Dashing the peasant, who goes on a quest to kill Trogdor but first has to dress like a peasant before a guard will let him pass. In a different flash game on the same site there is a character called Dennis who is somehow also a location, long story.
Anyway "The Burniation" bares a strong resemblance to it. So it's nothing to do with your comments drakan90.
What happened to Chapter II? Should be here by now.

[drakan90]

Oh right.
So basically, Dipstikk is saying: This fic is a rip off

[Dipstikk]

I'm saying it's very similar to Trogdor and the stories related to it, yeah. Especially "Burnination."

I just dont see the point of writing 'Oh and maybe you should try...' and 'And what might be partially better is...' and 'I'm sure you'll do better next time'
Because there's just no need, and lifes to short to type what I just typed thus shortening time I have left in my life...damn.

I'm sorry, but that's bullpuckey. I have every right to critique, and frankly a lot of the fanfics here need it.

Here's a basic fanfic that usually presents itself in the Fan Corner:

Okay I tel u story now k thx. onse apon tyme there was moodawkin name flappydoodle. Him gratist of al mudawkkunz betr then ayb evun. He go to rupshurfarms now. "hi grappo" he say and grappo say "hi flappydoodle" they laff and play and run in crcle. But meen glukkin come to take mony and steel frum flappydoodle so he maek plan to stpo him. grappo jump and tel glukkin "swipr no swiping" an glukkin sad and crying is. then big ol mr bigbroslig come and he say meen things make grappo cry and he fall down and it was funny hur hur hur and flappydoodle say "u meen guy bigbroslig u say you sorry plz thx." bigbro say "You know what? You all suck. Suck and die, you fucking retards." grappo fel betr and maek klay moddl in preskule an show it to flappydoodle they laff the end lolerphant!!!!1111one

This is pretty much all I see when I try to read them. Absolutely no paragraphs, spell-checks or the like. It's just this giant block of text.

If you're going to wright something, make sure it looks good. I can't stress that enough. If you want someone to truly enjoy your fic, it should be written well.

There is no excuse for a poorly written fanfic. If you don't have enough time to really work at a fanfic, you might as well not type it up at all.

[Kimon]

Your story has some suspicious similarities to the Trogdor game... *cough*yourippeditoffbecauseapparentlyyoucan'tuseyourimaginationtowriteyourownoriginalstory*cough*

Anyway, next time, avoid indirect plagarism.

EDIT: Didn't see the other posts, Dipstikk and Co. got it covered.

[drakan90]

I never said you dont have the right to criticise.
I was the one who posted the first criticism.

I meant; if anyone thought my criticisms were purposefully rude, they werent.
I just didnt see the point in being all nice about it.
eg. instead of
'Next time do this...'
saying something like
'Maybe, next time, if you dont mind, you could perhaps say this. I'm sure you'll do better man, hey, I love you.'

Dipstikk, it wasnt directed at your comments in any way:-P

Does everyone know what I mean now?

[Dipstikk]

Yeah, okay. I'm too tired of bothering with this anyway.