From the maker of Jim's Oddysee, A new Fic!

Rich · #1 05-27-2001, 06:36 PM

I can't think of a good enough name yet.
This is completely made up out of my head.
It has nothing to do with my ODDWORLD trilogy.
Here's the Introduction, Although Introductions are boring Feedback would be nice.

Introduction

Exun stood on the platform, waiting for his long awaited train, the train that would finally take him home. He wished that it would hurry up, he had already been harassed by about twenty worker sligs asking for his autograph. Exun was a slig, a plain ordinary slig. But he was a war hero, he had single handedly defeated all who aposed him, in fact he was more than a hero he was a legend.
Finally his train appeared on the horizon, he smiled picking up his small case and trusty Mp-5, and got ready to board.

I will post a good exciting first chapter tommorow, please me with replies.

Teal · #2 05-27-2001, 11:09 PM

*arches eyebrow* Hm, interesting... *sits to wait for more*

Rich · #3 05-28-2001, 06:28 AM

*Sighs* only Teal again?

Chapter 1: The Specimen

As the train slowly moved into the Depot, several Vykkers appeared on the platform.
"I can't vait to zee vot it vill be like!"
Said the one at the front of the group.
Then Exun saw the Back carriage, a huge cage with some.. Animal in it. The Vykkers smiled evily at the sight of it. A BBS jumped off the side and ran up to the Vykkers
"Isn't it a Beauty!" he said "Most certainly!" said one of the Vykkers.
"Now Dr. Splunz" said the BBS "Where shall we take it sir?" he asked.
"Do we have the crane I ordered?" asked Splunz. "No sir... not yet" said the BBS
"€#@#@\$£*%! You.... You Fool!" cried all the Vykkers. "What shall we do Boss!??" cried the BBS. "There is nothing else TO do, we can't have it rampaging Feeco!"
"What then Boss?" He asked.
"Stall the train!" "But Boss!" "DO IT!"
The BBS ran and jumped into the front carriage, the train moved into a siding. Exun's chances of a quick journey were slim. A crowd had gathered round the cage, Exun went to join it. The Monster roared, it stood on four legs like a scrab, it had a body like a Big Bro, it was two headed with Quills down its back. A label was attatched to the bars it read
"Crossbreed 858, Apocalypse"
"Feeding time!" came a Vykker's voice. He was holding a live slig. "Saved from Skillya for you!" he said tossing the slig into the cage. The Crossbreed tore him up and devoured him. A few of the other sligs and Muds ran to be sick. But not Exun, he had seen ALL his war buddies die with him, and this Breed bought back Memories....
Opinions?

Rich · #4 05-28-2001, 06:30 AM

*Sighs* only Teal again?

Chapter 1: The Specimen

As the train slowly moved into the Depot, several Vykkers appeared on the platform.
"I can't vait to zee vot it vill be like!"
Said the one at the front of the group.
Then Exun saw the Back carriage, a huge cage with some.. Animal in it. The Vykkers smiled evily at the sight of it. A BBS jumped off the side and ran up to the Vykkers
"Isn't it a Beauty!" he said "Most certainly!" said one of the Vykkers.
"Now Dr. Splunz" said the BBS "Where shall we take it sir?" he asked.
"Do we have the crane I ordered?" asked Splunz. "No sir... not yet" said the BBS
"€#@#@\$£*%! You.... You Fool!" cried all the Vykkers. "What shall we do Boss!??" cried the BBS. "There is nothing else TO do, we can't have it rampaging Feeco!"
"What then Boss?" He asked.
"Stall the train!" "But Boss!" "DO IT!"
The BBS ran and jumped into the front carriage, the train moved into a siding. Exun's chances of a quick journey were slim. A crowd had gathered round the cage, Exun went to join it. The Monster roared, it stood on four legs like a scrab, it had a body like a Big Bro, it was two headed with Quills down its back. A label was attatched to the bars it read
"Crossbreed 858, Apocalypse"
"Feeding time!" came a Vykker's voice. He was holding a live slig. "Saved from Skillya for you!" he said tossing the slig into the cage. The Crossbreed tore him up and devoured him. A few of the other sligs and Muds ran to be sick. But not Exun, he had seen ALL his war buddies die with him, and this Breed bought back Memories....
Opinions?

Sl'askia · #5 05-28-2001, 12:02 PM

Spider: *raises brow* sounds kind of like yer ripped me off...

Oh chill Spider. Sorry, but he is right, your creature does have many simularities to Spider; quills, BBS frame, tends to eat his victims alive...

Spider: Hey I don' eat slig no more. At least it looks dumb...

*rolls eyes* remember Spide that appearences can be deceiving. Anyway, it seems different enough, but I'm still hoping the simularites are coinecadental(spelling)

Rich · #6 05-28-2001, 02:01 PM

ok at least you replied. He shouldn't be like spider, he's only there because I needed something for the plot, I won't say 'cos it would be telling.

Chapter 2: Memories...

Exun had allways been a loner, even during the war. It puzzled him why everyone made such a big deal about his triumphs.
He had a different view on war, just because he shot bad guys didn't mean anything. In fact nobody is really a bad guy are they, they're allways good for somebody. Because of his war life Exun had a very strong heart and stomach, but this would never stop him grieving his friend's death. He often wondered why he called them his friends, He had hardly knew them. But above all the things he had experienced it was the death of his friends that bought him the most pain.
He was in a squad with his "buddies" on the day they were killed.
He headed out onto the battlefield. Crouching behind a rock they through grenades at the enemy. On the next advance Yent trod on a mine. He was blown to fragments. In shock Vikton had his head blown off by a sniper. Diving for cover behind a rock Guntek rolled into some barbed wire, they could only watch as he slowly cut himself to death. Tego comited suicide running into enemy firing lines. The only two left were Exun and Kaz. Having seen our position the enemy launched their rockets at Exun and Kaz. Exun escaped Kaz was severely injured. Exun made it back to base with the injured Kaz. He nursed him, after a few days they were best friends. One day Kaz said "He's calling me" "Who is?" Exun said running to the corridor. He pondered for a minute then returned. Kaz was pointing into space a look of terrifying shock on his dead face. Exun was never the same again. The only Sligs he had ever trusted were all dead. He slowly got very depressed, longing for home, that was what he was doing now returning....

No spiders in that!

Sl'askia · #7 05-28-2001, 02:09 PM

heh, no problem, I just tend to get protective of my characters. Anyway, looks interesting...

Rich · #8 05-28-2001, 05:35 PM

Only you, Teal and Silversnow ever reply.

Chapter 3: Infiltration

Exun seeing that his train would be a while, went to get himself a burger from a nearby bar. "Kreg burger please" he said to the shop keeper. A Kreg is a small animal with one leg, small wings, and spikes down its back. They taste good on burgers but this isn't the point.
On the ground floor far below him two strange sligs were entering Feeco. One was talking Madly "And did you see it when that guy walked up to him!..." he chattered the other smiled. In the check in desk stood two sligs and a Glukkon Pud. The quiet slig reached for something. "... And went!" the slig pointed at the Glukkon. Bang! went the quiet slig's gun. "Exactly!" said the first slig as the Glukkon died. Then he jumped kicking both the sligs in the face, knocking them out. He immediately set to work on the computer. "Is it ready?" asked the second. "Yep!" cried the first looking up. The second reached for his codec. "Boss It's safe!" he said. "Good" came the recieving voice. "Prepare for lock down!"
The first pulled his own gun "You lock up the front door, I'll go upstairs and start a party!" He ran and summoned an elevator. The second slid the grates across the doors. Two windows broke above him and two hooded sligs snuck in. One shouted down "Flan lets get this thing started!" They both Abseiled down the wall into the lobby. One removed his hood and stood by Flan. "See ya there!" said the other running up the stairs. A vent rattled "Guys it's me!" said a voice. "Skinny welcome to the party!" said Flan. An incredibly thin slig jumped into the room. "Is the boss coming?" asked the slig with the hood. "Yeah!" said Skinny "Just think, by tommorow we shall have thirty trains, 5 million Moolah and the most powerful dangerous crossbreed inthe world!...." Hee Hee! Terrorists!

Danny · #9 05-28-2001, 08:32 PM

remind me more of anime_2day's 'Crossbreed 101', with a bit of Spider added...

Silversnow · #10 06-03-2001, 08:47 PM

Hmm? *reads again* Hmmm?!! *reads again* Wow.... Sligs that are evil? *gasp* Can i have your autograph??!

Danny · #11 06-04-2001, 06:20 PM

hey... i have bad sligs! and good, but that's beside the point...

Sal the Mudokon · #12 06-14-2001, 05:44 AM

WOW, pretty good! this fic is similar to mine in body form! good ideas, but i feel more detail is needed to get the effect acrossed. ah, wat the helll am i talkin about?! my fic has hardly any detail! now, im not sure, but i dont think yer old fic is done. is it?