You Need To Stop Capitolizing The First Letter Of Every Word. The Body Of Text Is Not A Title.
Plus, you could really benifit from spacing everything out in paragraphs. It's no fun to read this huge-ass block of text.
And please, for the love of god, go into more detail! Don't just run through headfirst. If I may take a few excerpts from your story...
:
|
Hi! My Name Is John. I Am A Mudokon.
|
A good way to introduce your character is to go into detail. What's his name? Well, yeah, it's John. What's he wearing? What is his motivation in the story? Where is he headed right then? What's his personality like? All good things to work on.
Remember, not everything can be summed up in one sentence. Character development, people!
:
|
At the moment It Ain't Pretty. I'm In A Cell. I Got Caught.
|
How?
How did John get caught and thrown in a cell? You can't just say that and expect the audience to accept it. You have to explain. Take that thought and elaborate on it. Expect your audience to be drooling, braindead knuckleheads who need every deatil explained for them.
:
|
I Was Walking Through The Forest. When BLAM! I Was Knocked Out!
|
First of all, the sentences "I Was Walking Through The Forest." and "When BLAM!" should be one sentence seperated by a comma.
Besides that, I'm going to repeat myself. DETAILS. What was he doing in the forest? Where did this BLAM come from? Was it a tree? A rock? Or did the giant block of text fall on him? ELABORATION is your friend.
:
|
When I woke Up Three Spirits Were there! "Oh no The Wierdos!" I said in Panic.
|
Okay, he was knocked out. And two seconds later, he's awake again from what seems to be a pretty big BLAM and is surrounded by the Wierdos. Please, explain how he went from "BLAM" to "Oh, I'm awake now. And hey, lookit that. Spirits." Paint a picture with words. Describe the surroundings. How does John feel after the konk to the head?
:
|
"Listen To Us! We Have Chosen You For This!" The Weirdos Said. "Chosen Me For What?"
|
This needs to be two paragraphs. Dialogue between characters is always, always, ALWAYS seperated by paragraphs.
"Listen to us! We have chosen you for this!" The Wierdos said.
"Chosen me for what?" John enquired.
:
|
"There Is only 1 Fuzzle. He holds the power To Kill And Destroy Anyone! He Will Kill All Of Our Natives! We Chosen You TO KILL IT!"
|
Never...EVER put a number in along with text. Type out the word "one." And to say there is only "one" fuzzle is completely false, as we all know there are millions of Fuzzles. Also, go into detail as to describing the fuzzle, the quest, and why it's hell-bent on destroying the natives. Like I said, expect that you'll have to explain everything to your audience.
:
|
"Whoa, I'm Not doing That." I said. "Your Shoe Lace Is untied." The Weirdos Said. I Looked Down."Hey My I not wearing AAGGGAHGAGHAGHAGH!" I said as I got zapped!
|
Again, dialogue is seperated into paragraphs.
"Woah, I'm not doing that." I said.
"Hmm, isn't that a shame. Oh, look! Your shoelace is untied," one of the Wierdos said.
I looked down at my feet, which were completely bare.
"Wait, I'm not wearing any YEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWCCCCHHH!" I screamed in pain as I was electricuted!
:
|
"We Have Given You Something Increadable!" "What?" "Super Fart! Not Only Can It blow up, It Carries Any Weapon You Want Too!"
|
First of all, SPELL CHECK. Also, PARAGRAPH.
And hold up, you've gone from "electricity surging painfully through John's body" to "I'm suddenly okay and unphased, and can clearly understand the Wierdo's words even though my ears would be ringing from mind-numbing pain." No, no. That's not going to fly. Here's how I would have approached it.
I hunched back upright, uneasily at first, but slowly regaining balance. Electrical discharge sparked randomly over my body.
"We have given you something incredible!" one of the Wierdos said, though I wasn't sure who because my ears and head were still pounding.
"What...?" I said groggily.
"The Super Fart. Not only can it blow stuff up, but it can carry any weapon you want it to!" Another Wierdo said proudly.
Come to think of it, I could feel something strange. Something deep in my bowels.
Okay, and that whole thing with "carrying weapons in a fart." I know Abe could posess his flatulence, but come on. Using it as a containment device?
:
|
But Before They Disapperd They Said" You will find him in Cave Fungatios. Oh And Your Stepping In Fuzzle poo!" I Looked Down. "EEWWW!" They Faded Away
|
I liked the part about the vague description of the Fuzzle's location, but how can someone setp in something if they're unconcious? They're not moving.
Those are my critiques. Hope they help you, at least a little. It's a cute story and it shows some promise of a great storyline, but the writing could use some work. Use real books as an example if you need to.
Happy Fanfic-ing!
The Fuzzle Of Power!
It was funny when the weirdo's said, "Oh, and your stepping in fuzzle poo" LOL. 
You should take all of Dipstikk's advice in the above post and use it because it will truly help you out. Other than that, this story DOES have potential, in my opinion. 
Anyway, Fuzzleman, I hope you'll still work on this story. 
.
