The Fuzzle Of Power!
 

Hi! This Is My Second Fan Fiction.

Chapter 1


Hi! My Name Is John. I Am A Mudokon. At the moment It Ain't Pretty. I'm In A Cell. I Got Caught. Well I Better Tell You What Happend First. I Was Walking Through The Forest. When BLAM! I Was Knocked Out! When I woke Up Three Spirits Were there! "Oh no The Wierdos!" I said in Panic. "Listen To Us! We Have Chosen You For This!" The Weirdos Said. "Chosen Me For What?" "There Is only 1 Fuzzle. He holds the power To Kill And Destroy Anyone! He Will Kill All Of Our Natives! We Chosen You TO KILL IT!" "Whoa, I'm Not doing That." I said. "Your Shoe Lace Is untied." The Weirdos Said. I Looked Down. "Hey My I not wearing AAGGGAHGAGHAGHAGH!" I said as I got zapped! "We Have Given You Something Increadable!" "What?" "Super Fart! Not Only Can It blow up, It Carries Any Weapon You Want Too!" The Weirdos Said Proudly! "Wow Cool!" I said Excited. "Now We Must Go...." They said as they fading away. But Before They Disapperd They Said" You will find him in Cave Fungatios. Oh And Your Stepping In Fuzzle poo!" I Looked Down. "EEWWW!" They Faded Away.....


End Of Chapter 1

Well, Did you like it?

I liked it! :) It was funny when the weirdo's said, "Oh, and your stepping in fuzzle poo" LOL. :lol:

You Need To Stop Capitolizing The First Letter Of Every Word. The Body Of Text Is Not A Title.

Plus, you could really benifit from spacing everything out in paragraphs. It's no fun to read this huge-ass block of text.

And please, for the love of god, go into more detail! Don't just run through headfirst. If I may take a few excerpts from your story...

A good way to introduce your character is to go into detail. What's his name? Well, yeah, it's John. What's he wearing? What is his motivation in the story? Where is he headed right then? What's his personality like? All good things to work on. Remember, not everything can be summed up in one sentence. Character development, people!

How?
How did John get caught and thrown in a cell? You can't just say that and expect the audience to accept it. You have to explain. Take that thought and elaborate on it. Expect your audience to be drooling, braindead knuckleheads who need every deatil explained for them.

First of all, the sentences "I Was Walking Through The Forest." and "When BLAM!" should be one sentence seperated by a comma.
Besides that, I'm going to repeat myself. DETAILS. What was he doing in the forest? Where did this BLAM come from? Was it a tree? A rock? Or did the giant block of text fall on him? ELABORATION is your friend.

Okay, he was knocked out. And two seconds later, he's awake again from what seems to be a pretty big BLAM and is surrounded by the Wierdos. Please, explain how he went from "BLAM" to "Oh, I'm awake now. And hey, lookit that. Spirits." Paint a picture with words. Describe the surroundings. How does John feel after the konk to the head?

This needs to be two paragraphs. Dialogue between characters is always, always, ALWAYS seperated by paragraphs.

"Listen to us! We have chosen you for this!" The Wierdos said.
"Chosen me for what?" John enquired.

Never...EVER put a number in along with text. Type out the word "one." And to say there is only "one" fuzzle is completely false, as we all know there are millions of Fuzzles. Also, go into detail as to describing the fuzzle, the quest, and why it's hell-bent on destroying the natives. Like I said, expect that you'll have to explain everything to your audience.

Again, dialogue is seperated into paragraphs.

"Woah, I'm not doing that." I said.
"Hmm, isn't that a shame. Oh, look! Your shoelace is untied," one of the Wierdos said.
I looked down at my feet, which were completely bare.
"Wait, I'm not wearing any YEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWCCCCHHH!" I screamed in pain as I was electricuted!

First of all, SPELL CHECK. Also, PARAGRAPH.

And hold up, you've gone from "electricity surging painfully through John's body" to "I'm suddenly okay and unphased, and can clearly understand the Wierdo's words even though my ears would be ringing from mind-numbing pain." No, no. That's not going to fly. Here's how I would have approached it.

I hunched back upright, uneasily at first, but slowly regaining balance. Electrical discharge sparked randomly over my body.
"We have given you something incredible!" one of the Wierdos said, though I wasn't sure who because my ears and head were still pounding.
"What...?" I said groggily.
"The Super Fart. Not only can it blow stuff up, but it can carry any weapon you want it to!" Another Wierdo said proudly.
Come to think of it, I could feel something strange. Something deep in my bowels.

Okay, and that whole thing with "carrying weapons in a fart." I know Abe could posess his flatulence, but come on. Using it as a containment device?

I liked the part about the vague description of the Fuzzle's location, but how can someone setp in something if they're unconcious? They're not moving.

Those are my critiques. Hope they help you, at least a little. It's a cute story and it shows some promise of a great storyline, but the writing could use some work. Use real books as an example if you need to.

Happy Fanfic-ing!

Well, first of all, Fuzzleman, the idea of this story is very interesting, but everything that Dipstikk said is absolutely right.....You should develop your characters more, use better grammar/punctuation, and even describe what kind of environments the characters are in as well. ;) You should take all of Dipstikk's advice in the above post and use it because it will truly help you out. Other than that, this story DOES have potential, in my opinion. :)

"Oh, and your stepping in fuzzle poo"
But I must admit this line kinda got me. :lol:

See the following to see a well-written fan fiction:

http://www.oddworldforums.net/showthread.php?t=11955

Also, check my sig. It's fabulous! ;)

Aw, shucks. You used my story as an example. You all love me!

He sure did-and what he said is true because it's a great story. Yup, we all love ya! How could we NOT love ya, Dipstikk? :D Anyway, Fuzzleman, I hope you'll still work on this story. ;)

Well okay.

Chapter 2


I was a little bit confused but I was scared. "I don't wanna be ripped to shreads and killed by a fuzzle!" I thought. "Also, where the hell is cave fungatios?" "OW!" I said aloud as I bumped into a tree. Then a branch fell down. "WHOA!" I said as the branch missed my feet. For some strange reason, It was facing a direction. "It must be a sign! I must go where that branch is pointing to!" I thought.It was pointing to the scrab and paramite mountin! "There is no way I'm going there!" I said. The I had memeris from the weirdos. "Fuzzle.....Kill all natives.....chosen you.... your stepping in fuzzle poo....." "All the natives are depending on me! I shall go!" I thought. TRIP! I tripped and landed head first into a sligs gun!. Before I was knocked out I said "This is conveient...." THUMP! I was knocked out!

End of chapter 2

Is that better?

well, you didnt really fix chapter 1...

What? I hate that bastard. Dirty mother-fucker upstaging my now second-best story.... :|.



:p

ANYWAY Fuzzleman, your story is improved, but you still need to spend a lot more time on it. Make it longer, more explanatory, try to develop your characters through indirect characterization (things they're wearing, posture, looks, etc.) and direct characterization (something they say, do, etc.). If you get those things down, your story will be 10 times better, trust me. :)

Or the second one.

You... you didn't even take my advice, did you?

God damn it.

I don't think anyone likes this story. Mods close it. I won't continue. :(:(

Stop with the pity party. Nobody said they didn't like it, but personally I'm mad that you didn't take my advice.

I don't hate you or your story, and I never did; what I hate is the fact that you're whining about how nobody likes it when all we've been doing is giving you tips on how to make it better and more presentable.

You need to suck it up and accept that we're only trying to help, and stop with this "woe is me" crap. Nobody has called you a bad writer or insulted your work.

I don't care if you fix it or not, really. But I vote to keep it open so you CAN work on it some more.

Mods, DON'T close this.

Well, i guess we like your story, but your grammar and knowledge of writing smooth and exiting sucks. In that way ya story can be unclear, and people will try to help you by giving hints on how to fix it. And if you don't take the advice very well, people can get angry about the time they lost on writing a good hint, FOR YOU.
So it would be really bitch-assy to quit becouse you think people don't like your story.

Keep writing, bitch! :p

Seriously, keep writing. Just heed the advice that was given to you. Yup. That's all you need to do.

You don't need to quit writing, Fuzzleman, and I'm sorry if you misunderstood our intentions. It's not that we hate your story, we're just giving you advice/tips, but, unfortunately, you're really not using them as of now. If you'll just take other people's advice, then your story will be much better. ;) Remember, people are just trying to help you out, not bash your work. ;)