Yes. Also, no.

that mince pie i ate gave me the squits.







not funny for me fuck you

friend told me this one in german, so I looked it up the internet and copy/pasted it:

so theres a band playing a concert
the guitarist is thinking: "nice, lots of fine young gals here"
the drummer thinks: "yeah, this is a nice gig lots of fine mature women"
the singer is in the front thinking: "i really look awesome in this tank top!"
the keyboardist on the far side of the stage looks down on his keyboard in melancholy and is thinking: " no one here understands my artistical talent"
the bass player stands with a concentrated look on his face and thinks: "G, D, G, D, G, D...."

I was rehearsing with an 4-piece one of my friends is throwing together for a paid gig. The keyboard player was literally just yelling notes to the bassist as we went along because we're too short on time to actually arrange and print music. The keyboard player hadn't actually taught any of us the song at that point, but it was still funny to see the bassist's face every time he though he got the pattern and it changed on him.

I don't get it.

Are you a bass player?

I'm afraid to answer that.

Not so much a joke but do you have pet insurance? Because Imma destroy your pussy!!!!!1

A chat up line that will not fail you.

that dress would look great on my bedroom floor.

My cat's dead, can I play with your pussy instead?

What's red and tastes like green paint?

Red paint.

http://youtu.be/-CNlNYIRw4g?t=25s

Stay on topic, Git'Im

did it hurt? when you fell from heaven? and landed on my cock?

This is the joke thread, not the unfunny pickup line thread. The main problem here is the 'unfunny' thing.

Mine wasn't a pick up line!

it was just unfunny.

Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat ran over his cat.
Blood and guts were flying, all the children crying.
Now he's got red wheels to match his van.

That's ummm.... I'm not sure what that is. But I don't think it's a joke.

I'm guessing you didn't have Postman Pat in the US.

I thought it was pretty funny.

A cultural equivalent would be

I love you, you love me
Let's tie Barney to a tree
With a rope round his neck
And a bullet in his head
Sorry kids but Barney's dead

Not a joke, not funny past the age of 9.

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I’d meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistband that’s a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I’ve put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled
.....so I told her to fuck off.

How is that a joke? Jokes are supposed to be funny.

Thanks for your unwanted opinion

Anytime.

Can I give my unwanted yet far more superior opinion and second Vyrien's?

I'll allow it.

But only this once.

Thank you, WoF.

Actually, I thought it was funny.

You're feverish though, doesn't count.

Only virgins don't find it amusing.

I've had sex both ways. Does that cancel itself out or something?

Yes. Yes, it does.

Now go touch a penis!

WoF has sex both ways...

... the right way and the wrong way.

That... is also a true statement.

Oh you guys.

*homos...sorry typo

Oh please, I used to be a Catholic, I lost my virginity when I was seven.

I may have also lost my virginity when I was seven. If I did, I didn't really mind.

Actually when I was eleven, I was telling my mother's current (Irish) boyfriend at the time about our priest when I was very young and how he was a really cool guy and always used to snowball fight with the kids and stuff. He gave me a grin and said 'Oh did he fiddle them too?' and I had no idea what he was talking about.

Just thought I'd share.

I find it too real to be funny.

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich. The man walks up to the bar as usual and asks for his expensive drinks and some snacks for the ostrich. The temporary barman approaches the man and asks why he always buys the most expensive drinks. The man answers "I found a magic lamp and the first thing I wished for was a mountain of gold. The second thing I wished for was my own private island"

"That's all well and good", replies the bartender, "but what's with the ostrich?" The man then says "For my third wish I asked for a bird with really long legs"

You missed the second half of the punchline. He walked in to the bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man and the ostrich would buy drinks, but the cat would never get his round in.

Turns out he wished for a bird with really long legs and a tight pussy.