i killed a man for looking at me funny. turns out he was cockeyed. now everywhere i go i see cockeyed people looking at me.

this isn't a joke i need help

Maybe you have a cock in your eye. :tard:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I GET IT "COCK" EYED

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

A man asked Jesus why there's only one set of tracks in the sand. Jesus responded, "The sand people travel in single file to hide their numbers."

Ow... That was painful to read.

Cock eye must be cuntagious, GEDDIT?

Also here's a joke.

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher whipped out the note and opened it.
The note said “YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE"

my grandfather died in Auschwitz.
He was drunk again and fell from the watch tower.

^such jokes are common here because of the collective coping with the past (everyone's grandfather was a nazi)

another one making fun of the übermensch-theory

Hitler visits Mordhausen and gathers all the jews around him.
"Listen up! whoever can beat Hans here in a race, will be released. Hans is a prime example of the Deutsche Rasse! So it's up to that tree and back again.
Jews, are you ready?"
"Yeah!"
"alright. Hans, are you ready?"
WRUM-WRUM!

I don't get the second one.

well Hans is going on a motorcycle. the jews need to run.
normally I perform a motorcycle pantomime.

maybe it works better in german because "wettlauf" can be used for race or foot-race.

Okay, those jokes were actually kind of funny.

What do you call a bunch of Irish people lining up in a queue?

The unemployment line.

As Mrs McGinty entered the house she looked up to see a ceiling 15 feet high.

'Begod,' she said to husband Seamus, 'when you said you were going to knock two rooms into one I didn't think you meant upwards!!'

-

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street. Murphy falls in hole and hurts himself. He calls out, "Paddy, call me an ambulance".

Paddy starts jumping up and down clapping his hands yelling, "Murphy's an ambulance, Murphy's an ambulance".

-

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the tiles. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".

Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.

"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" Paddy shouts.

To which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy".

Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You bloody eegit Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".

What do you call someone who is crazy about waffles?

AN EGGOMANIAC!!!!!!

What do you call somebody who collects change?

A COINOISSEUR!!!!!!(!)

Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?

Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

why does my vagina have it's own gravitational pull?

i'm asking woman to woman.

Was that a joke or a serious question?

my vagina is not a joke.

Roses are boobs,
violets are boobs,
Boobs,
Boobs.

(Yes, this should probably go in BnP, but it's contextual with spiderman's post)

Looks like a Cyanide and Happiness style flash animation.

It's a song from Australian comedy troupe Tripod, with animation by some guy on Newgrounds.

What's OANST doing on the left?

Do what now?

Oh, if they have oval glasses, curly-ish brown hair and a sort-of-beard, they're automatically you.

Didn't anyone tell you?

Here's one from my Music Studies teacher today. I don't even remember how this came up.

What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in a bathtub?

Throw your laundry in

You're walking down the street and three tampons cross your path: a heavy flow, a medium flow, and a light flow. Which one says hello to you?

None of them. They're all stuck up cunts.

What's black and sits at the tops of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

How do you know God was French?

When he designed the human body, he put the sewage works right next to the leisure centre.

How do you find Will Smith after a snowstorm?

You look for fresh prints

This joke is terrible, but I laugh every time I hear it; Even if I'd just heard it ten seconds ago; Even if I'm the one telling it.

-

Why did Bono fall off the stage?

Because he got too close to The Edge.

I love them types of laughably bad jokes. Stuff like
whats red and sits in a corner?
a naughty strawberry

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up! , God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keybo
ards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted! their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed.
"That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

Ahaha. Very good.

The disturbing thing is that I got more posreps for that terrible joke than for all of my posts for the previous fortnight.

What do you call a depressed watermelon?

Meloncholy.

Why did the Hipster burn himself?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

That was funny.

One i posted on facebook, got 130 likes haha

Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.