John has 34 chocolate bars and he eats 28. What does he have now?

Diabetes, John has diabetes.

WHY DID I READ THAT

I laughed though. Good times.

If I could talk to the guy who wrote this joke..... I'd say......

Cool story, Bro.

(I read it all too, seriously wtf -_-)

I didn't. Someone tell me the punchline.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fun gi.

What's the difference between an elephant and a boiled sweet?
Clearly you've never tried sucking an elephant.

Why is Heath Ledger like a Heath Ledger joke?
Neither of them get old.

What should you do if you swallow your pen?
Use a pencil.
To give yourself a cricothyrotomy.

Two drums and a cymbal fall down a cliff.
*Ba-Dum Tsch*

I can't be arsed to tell the Brick joke. Someone else do the first half.

Did you hear about the paper boy in Northern Ireland?
He blew away.

Did you hear about the American shop-lifter?
He was crushed.

You know the economy's bad when the IRA have more branches than your local bank!

Hey diddle-diddle
The cat played the fiddle
The cow jumped over the moon
And burnt up on re-entry.

What do you call a man with a Seagull on his head?
Cliff

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
the Holocaust

An Irishman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly.
The undertaker said it will cost £5,000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home.
The undertaker said, "But, sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?"
The husband said, "Listen here pal, a long, long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead: Shes fuckin' goin' home!"

So a penguin is driving his car in the desert. All of sudden his car breaks down. Luckily, he's pretty close to gas station. So he waddles behind his car and pushes it to the gas station. He asks the mechanic to take a look and find the problem. Mechanic tells him to come back in 30 minutes. So the penguin is getting hot being in the desert and all, and decides to find something to cool him off. He goes in the convenience store and buys some vanilla ice cream. He eats the ice cream and makes a big mess on his face. Finally he goes back to the mechanic to find out the problem. Mechanic says," Looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin replies, "No, no. It's just a little ice cream."

I remember reading that on here once, but after an extensive search I can't find it anywhere. What is it?

Why do so many jokes have a punchline that involves a husband rejoicing his wife's death?

Because women have no rights and are best kept locked in the kitchen. A hurpity durpity durp.

It's gotten so bad that Irish wives have started swearing vengance on their husbands from beyond the grave, promising that after they die they'll claw their way out of their coffin and up through the earth until they reach the surface, when they will not rest until they've torn the chuckling vocal chords from their widower's throat...

Luckily Irishmen bury their wives face down so they don't have to look at the bruises.

i killed a man.

Hur hur.

You think he's joking? It was in the news. 'Combine Harvester Harvests Man'.

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a bus.

What’s worse than a bad joke?
A very bad joke.

What's worse than that joke?
This joke

What's worse than a question and an answer passed off as a bad joke?
Being diagnosed with a chronic, painful illness.

The holocaust.

I don't get it.

lol

INTELLECTUAL HUMOUR!

Q: What did one photon say to the other photon?
A: I'm sick and tired of your interference.

Helium walks into a bar. "We don't serve noble gases in here" goes the bar keeper. Helium didn't react.

Some scientists want to cool my body down to -273.15 degrees Celsius. My wife thinks it'll kill me, but I think I'll be 0k.

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

WHOO!

Hah!

Remember, if you're not part of the solution you're part of the precipitate.

A biologist, a statistician, and a mathmetician are on a train to Glasgow. Having gone over the border, the biologist looks out of the window and sees a brown cow.

Biologist: Huh. Cows in Scotland are brown.
Statistician: You can't assume that! All this proves is that there is at least one cow in Scotland that is brown.
Mathmetician: You can't even assume that. All this proves is that there is at least one side of a cow in Scotland that is brown.

Luis Suarez was banned from going to Gary Speed's funeral in case he dived in the box.

Give me all your neg rep, folks.

I'm not really a 'cat person'.

That's because I was never bitten by a radioactive cat.

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.




also, this



My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.


EDIT: This is a good one

My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab
---------------------------------------

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Have you heard the joke about the two Irishmen?

Now look how many there are!

So... Natasha Giggs is in Big Brother this year.

Makes a change from a big brother being in her.

This statement is self-referential.

I came here to kick ass and finish sentences.

---

As a mixed race man, I found it difficult to advance in my career.
Everyone said the same thing.

"If you want to be a professional athlete, you have to run one event at a time like everybody else."

---

I made both of those up, so far as I know.

That must be why neither of them so much as made my face twitch.

STM's penis.

Oh, for a second I thought this was the 'I have just seen...' thread.

That'd go straight to the 'What Scares You' thread.

Hopefully it won't get lost and end up in the 'Weird Dreams' thread.

Or even worse, the "What are you playing right now" thread.