Issue: 7
NEW INDUSTRY! Due to popular demand for Soulstorm Brew, and Bonewerkz needing more bonepowder to meet the demands of Soulstorm Brewery, a new industry has set up named Soulstorm Mining Co. It would appear Rupture Farms bones are not enough anymore. They are stationed on the edge of Necrum where they are mining for bones to chip in on the expensive needs of an industry that would otherwise faulter, and who can blame them? The manager was very busy at the time of our arrival so we couldnt get a statement from him, but we asked his PA slig for any information; "Yeah, well seeing as we're pretty new we dont wanna let anything out yet. We could still get squashed by a bigger corporation." REPORTER: "Has Brewmaster or Director Phleg contributed to your funds in starting up this new industry? It would be in their interest." "Well as far as I know, Director Phleg hasnt because he isnt too high on moolah at the moment due to his low production of bonepowder. Hopefully our input will boost this. And Brewmaster has actually supplied us with a confidential amount of moolah to speed up the building process. We've already started mining even though we havent finished the mainframe yet." REPORTER: "How much will the other companies benefit from your presence?" "It's a whole chain reaction: us and Rupture Farms supply the bones, if we cant supply enough we dont get paid as much by Bonewerkz for the low amount. Then Bonewerkz doesnt gain much profit from Soulstorm Brewery when they supply the bonepowder because there isnt enough to meet demands, and finally Soulstorm Brewery hit the rocks seeing as they cannot supply enough brew for consumer purchase. Soulstorm Brewery has it the worst, believe it or not; they may not even get any profit from their sales after paying for the bonepowder seeing as their sales are down, even though they could be so much higher, if you know what I mean. In other words, we are quite crucial, now anyway." REPORTER: "Ok, thank you." We are expecting this to be a lifeline for Soulstorm Brewery. -ADVERT- HIGH ENERGY SLOG FOOD Another fine product from Vykkers Labs! Often used by slig CO's for their slogs before prisoner searches take place. TO GIVE YOUR SLOG AN EXTRA KICK WITHOUT HAVING TO DO IT YOURSELF! Increases productivity in security slogs by heightening their senses. 10 moolah per tin 1 tin contains enough high energy slog food for 1 slog The effects last for 12 hours, 15 minutes after consumption DIAL: 0182 723 221 (1 moolah per min). It is advised you do not feed the slog more than one tin every 12 hours otherwise you may incur side effects, including hyperactivity. All other side effects vary but are all minor. Do not feed to any other animal apart from slogs. -ADVERT FINISH- M.O.M – News you cannot refuse – By the Scrabtrapman ISSUE2: UPRISINGS ROLL The uprisings in the outer rim are snowballing as the big bro’s go down, our poor over sized, drugged up brothers, Dripik has just confirmed that there has never actually been a war he has fought in, he only got general by default, what a shmuck! Casualties have risen to around 600 sligs, the mudokons have a three to one kill ratio and have set up a small village for defence, mudarchers are on constant guard in strategic positions around the perimeter. In a side story, the meat plant that no one cares about has made a stunning profit increase of 150%, we will now name it as Mudos Mill Meat Plant, the Glukkon owner is still to be found. This report was sent to you by Scrabtrapman our very own frontline reporter and was sponsored by Elum Chubs, lip smackingly sticky! ----- MAD BUT TRUE ANIMALS! 1.) Sloggies today at Bonewerkz saw a picture of a meech on the wall, and I watched as the sloggies all attacked it at the same time and broke through the wall into the staff room! MAG: What a load of SH*TE! -ADVERT- SLOG SIGHTINGS? HAVE YOU SEEN ANY ESCAPED PEDIGREE SLOGS AND SLOGGIES BELONGING TO SLOG HUTS? 18 ADULT SLOGS AND 12 SLOGGIES IN THE IMMEDIATE AREA OF A SLOG HUTS DEPOT SOUTH OF SPLINTERZ. 4 SLOGS HAVE BEEN FOUND. 500 MOOLAH REWARD FOR ANY RECOVERY. RISK OF HEFTY FINE TO ANYONE ATTEMPTING TO FAKE PEDIGREE SLOGS FOR WASTING TIME. IF YOU SEE ANY SLOGS OR SLOGGIES IN THE VICINITY OF SLOG HUTS CONTACT US ON: 0182 732 733 (1 moolah per min). -ADVERT FINISH- THE DAY OF VENGEANCE THAT LEFT 16 DEAD A violent and bloody riot took place in Magog Motors today caused by savage mudokons. It is estimated that around 25 or more mudokon workers wielded hammers, spanners, screwdrivers and ratchets (one was reported to have used an industrial sized drill) in an attempt to overcome the loyal slig guards. It is believed that the mudokons were mentally unstable to commit such an act, and grabbed anything at hand to engage their killing spree. We asked a surviving slig guard what his experience was; "I tell ya, it wasnt pretty. I was on the ground floor by the workbenches when it all kicked off. My mate spun me around by the shoulder and pointed at this rowdy group of mudokons mouthing off to this Big Bro! I thought sh*t! If they're doin that to a Big Bro, who knows what else they'll do! Anyway I shouted at 'em 'Oi! Keep it down and get back to work before I shoot ya!' And then all hell broke loose. The Big Bro was too busy looking at me to realise a mud hit him over the back of the head with...I think it was a hammer. Yeah, he just dropped dead. I didnt have time to look at him though because these mudokons just f*cking charged at us! My mate took about 3 or 4 out with his rifle, and I did about the same. It was bloody frightening with all these crazy muds just running at us with nothin but crude tools and looks of madness on their dirty faces! By now someone had set off the alarms and a line of sligs behind us had formed. We just volleyed mate, opened fire. We mowed half of em down but then the rest reached us and it became a battle of strength and wit. We eventually killed every last b*stard, but they murdered quite a few of us before that. Do you know how many they killed?" REPORTER: "It was 16." "Sh*t...well atleast its over." Magog Motors are taking new security measures to prevent future outbursts. MAG: Lets see the D.F.W. League try and justify muds now. ----- Words With Kroloff YES! Its time to hear our sergeant Kroloff’s words of wisdom, expert in weapons, combat and hunting, with over 16 years experience, and currently stationed at a small slig outpost in Scrabania. But he still has time to answer your questions! Anonymous: Dear Kroloff, whats the most scrabs you've ever killed in one day? Mines 3 when I was out hunting. Kroloff: I hope you wasnt poaching! The most scrabs i've killed in one day would be 7, when I was hunting them, about 2 years ago. Crunch: Hey there Kroloff, i'ts been a long time. Let me know what you think about this whole new D.F.W. League thing. Personally, I think they're a bunch of whiny moolah-grabbers. Kroloff: Hello there mate, it has been a long time. Well I feel that they are trying to be a respected and well known corporation, yearning for Mudos to be a fair, reasonable and understandable place for industry to thrive whilst trying to turn around the dying and bitter relationship between mudokons and industry. I wish them luck. That aside, I also think they are a totally unnecessary and pointless industry who need to jump of the corporate ladder and hopefully break their knees when they hit the ground. If they dont even have the decency to reveal themselves and their location to earn a little respect from hard working folks, then they shouldnt exist. Maybe they could have an inspiring story to tell 30 years from now if people knew more about them so that they could tell newbies to the business world that they stood by their statements, took all the abuse throughout the years, succeeded in the face of adversity and actually managed to change things for the better. But instead they make a puny statement and then run away and hide. Its like a slurg telling a Big Bro that if he doesnt change his ways he'll be sorry, and then hiding. -ADVERT- SUITS ARE US! GLUKKONS ONLY! Not machine made. All suits are tailor made by experts in fabric! Come by for a measuring and receive your suit within 3 working days! Astronomical suits, without the astronomical price! Prices vary, all suits delivered free of charge. Find us just north of FeeCo Depot. Call us now to book an appointment: 0182 777 457 (3 moolah per min). -ADVERT FINISH- RUBBISH JOKES! 1.) Where do all the mud-lovers go? A: The D.F.W. League! By: Wilx 2.) What has 16 fingers, 9 legs, 27 razor sharp teeth and a bad attitude? A: I dunno but its just escaped from Vykkers Labs! By: Dost. MAG: Dost, you have already sent that joke in. Do not take advantage of our policy to print everything we receive. 3.) Knock knock. Who's there? Para. Para-who? Paramite, who do you think?! MAG: I am embarrassed of these pitiful jokes. Perhaps thats why we call them 'rubbish'. THIS ISSUES WINNER IS: Wilx! Well done with that truthfull joke, your 50 moolah is on its way! ----- COMMERCIAL & PERSONAL AD'S: > To all Sligs in the Marohey Prison: I just won big in the Scrab Races sweepstake this week, but I don't have any close friends to share my happiness with. With that, I'm holding a little party in the mess tonight. Bring 1 mate, free booze, party from 6pm to 2am. Lights out at 8pm, so bring night vision goggles. > SCRAB SHOOTER FOR SALE. Not as good as you think. Reasonable price. 1000 moolah. TEL: 0182 786 119 > Raunchy chat line, talk to Queen Skillya herself. Dirty talk is allowed but don't get too frisky with her or you'll end up in her soup. Groaning noises are included, (expect these every minute or so, along with a popping noise as the egg comes out). TEL: 0908 854 533 (5 moolah per minute) SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine staff: Writers: Stevix Editor: Rozzle Reporters: CANNOT BE NAMED Receptionist: Coth Chief coffee maker: Roldy Magog Cartel law specialiser: Chronicler Sphenixson Slig security: Font Len Disue Vilt Hond Owner: Stevix "No news is good news. I'm afraid I cannot believe in this motto in my position." - Stevix. If you wish to have anything published (jokes, interveiws, complaints, birthday wishes, information, etc), then PM mollucks assistant and he will personally make sure it is included in the next issue of SLIG'S WEIRD! Thanks for reading! ----- credit goes to AlexFili for providing the party ad and the 'raunchy chat line' ad. Also credit goes to Scrabtrapman for providing the M.O.M. news report. experience the fun by PM'ing me your contribution! |
Usually, I do save my images as PNG, but in this case, I forgot. Here they are.
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thanks for those Oddey! keep 'em coming.
Issue: 8 D.F.W. League claim Necrum! The D.F.W. League are complaining at Soulstorm Mining Co that they are infringing on their territory in Necrum, even though they will not give out details of their exact location. Soulstorm Mining Co are not backing down and say that they have already settled their boundaries when they first set up, and were not told of any business residing in the Necrum jungle. We asked the manager of Soulstorm Mining Co for his feelings; "Its absolutely outrageous! We were never told of the D.F.W. Leagues position, therefore they will have to move or just put up with it! Especially since we've only just bloody started up, we dont need this! I am positively seething! Its just one thing after another! Do you know where they are?" REPORTER: "Necrum, but no more than that." "Then your just as dumb-founded as the rest of us. If they carry on complaining I'm gonna sue their pathetic little company for every piece of moolah they've got! And I wont give in until there's only ruins left! The ball is in their court now." We couldnt interview anyone from the D.F.W. League because we simply couldnt find them. MAG: See, Stevix predicted they would start trouble with new businesses. -ADVERT- HONTA'S travelling circuis! Spectate dancing scrabs! Watch as Scoro the dead-eye perfectionist gun slinger slig shoots small, moving targets over and over again! And see him outdraw mudokons in showdowns! See slogs jump through burning hoops! Witness the mind-boggling strength of Tutu the Big Bro slig! Listen to the beautiful tones of Ront the singing intern! Watch tentatively as mudokons tightrope walk over paramite webbing full of hungry paramites! Observe the intriguing apothecary of the deceased Vykker scientist Hathlow! View the amazing versatility of fleeches traversing impossible terrain! Look on as the controversial Vykker surgeon Soloth performs open skull surgery on conscious mudokons, making them do the funniest things! Presented by the ringmaster: Honta the glockstar! TRAVELLING THE CONTINENT OF MUDOS! Phone us for details of our current whereabouts. DIAL: 0876 322 976 (FREE). -ADVERT FINISH- M.O.M – News you cannot refuse – By the Scrabtrapman ISSUE3: MYKE’S THE VYK CREATES NEW GUNNER Myk one of the junior Vykers has just stumbled over a fantastic new weapon to fight the uprisings, shock rocker! The shock rocker is a small pistol like weapon that, when fired, releases a 40ft by 40ft net, once the net touches the floor it channels all natural electricities from the ground and fries anything inside with 120,000 volts! Myk said this “When I tired the fuzzles little eyes literally blew out of there heads, what a mess, I was scrapping up bits of flesh for days”! M.O.M says that’s disgusting! Mudos Mill Meat Plant or (MMMP) as it is now known is now the third largest meat plant on the entirety of Oddworld the glukkon responsible is none other than a chump named Murg, he has sent us a telegram saying this “I set up this little factory from an old mudokon mill, the Mudokons are happy to work for me and I don’t even have to pay them moolah! Just a bottle of Soulstorm MicroBrew a day! ----- MAD BUT TRUE ANIMALS! 1.) I have been recently hired by a packaging plant that you may have seen advertising in one of your issues for a professional scrab hunter. Anyway, i am one so I applied. More to the point, yesterday I was attacked by a scrab on the factory's border. I dodged out of the way before it reached me and its beak got caught in the sandstone wall! I never knew that could happen! I used this time to kill it before it got loose again. MAG: Pretty crazy! -ADVERT- SLOG SIGHTINGS? HAVE YOU SEEN ANY ESCAPED PEDIGREE SLOGS AND SLOGGIES BELONGING TO SLOG HUTS? 15 ADULT SLOGS AND 12 SLOGGIES IN THE IMMEDIATE AREA OF A SLOG HUTS DEPOT SOUTH OF SPLINTERZ. 7 SLOGS HAVE BEEN FOUND. 500 MOOLAH REWARD FOR ANY RECOVERY. RISK OF HEFTY FINE TO ANYONE ATTEMPTING TO FAKE PEDIGREE SLOGS FOR WASTING TIME. IF YOU SEE ANY SLOGS OR SLOGGIES IN THE VICINITY OF SLOG HUTS CONTACT US ON: 0182 732 733 (1 moolah per min). MAG: Readers, you'll be glad to know that this is the last advertisement you'll see from Slog Huts, the contract Stevix had with them has expired...at last. -ADVERT FINISH- WIND 'EM UP, FUN! That's right! WOOHOO! Its time for Wind 'em up, fun! The first in the history of SLIG'S WEIRD! where we wind up famous, rich and important people, and record their every word! Lets begin... We decided to have a little fun with Brewmaster, and make out the reporter was stupid (when we managed to convince him to have an interview). Here's how it went; REPORTER: "We would like to know your thoughts on the new industry Soulstorm Mining Co and how it will effect your business?" "Well they will help Bonewerkz, definately, therefore help us. We have had our ups and downs with Bonewerkz before, but they -" REPORTER: "Why were you on a roller coaster?" "What?" REPORTER: "You just said you were going up and down, did you have an irregular growth spurt or something?" "What the hell are you babbling on about?!" REPORTER: "Oh I get you now, you meant in terms of sales! Sorry, please continue." (Clears throat) "We have had some ups and downs with them, but they have remained loyal, probably because they would have nowhere else to find business in bone powder anyway, but -" REPORTER: "What do you mean 'business in bone powder'? Had a slog sh*t in it?" "Are you simple?! And how dare you swear at me! I could have you down-sized quicker than you could say what you just said!" REPORTER: "What? Slog sh*t?" "Stop it!! Thats it! Interview terminated!" Brewmaster begins to leave the room. "I'm not talking to some stupid, foul-mouthed cretin -" REPORTER: "Whats a cretin? Is it some sort of mollusc?" Brewmaster begins to rant incoherently as he leaves the room. REPORTER: "Brewmaster? BREWMASTER?" "Stop shouting me! You, slig, get 'em outta here! NOW!" We were then forcefully vacated from the premises. MAG: Brewmaster is just a riot. I doubt he will have much to do with us now. ----- Words With Kroloff YES! Its time to hear our sergeant Kroloff’s words of wisdom, expert in weapons, combat and hunting, with over 16 years experience, and currently stationed at a small slig outpost in Scrabania. But he still has time to answer your questions! Anonymous: Hello Kroloff, have you ever had to shoot another slig as part of a firing squad? And if so, is there a technique? Kroloff: Yes, 5 years ago I was stationed in Paramonia, and I was elected to be a member of the firing squad. I killed about 12 other fellow sligs in 2 years before I was transferred. Its pretty simple, just point and pull. Aim for the stomach rather than the head, your less likely to miss and if the rest of the firing squad does the same it will definately kill the accused. There's nothing worse than seeing another slig tied to a post, bleeding but not quite dead, believe me. ----- RUBBISH JOKES! 1.) Where can you find a rabble of angry, blood thirst muds? A: In Magog Motors! By: Crunch. MAG: We apolagise for this joke, it is uncalled for. Crunch thinks he is indestructable just because he knows Kroloff. 2.) What is a few fingers short of a Paramite Pie? A: An injured paramite! By: Heslof 3.) What has 16 fingers, 9 legs, 27 razor sharp teeth and a bad attitude? A: I dunno but its just escaped from Vykkers Labs! By: Dost. MAG: Send that joke in one more time and I will send Font to your workplace for a word. It is not funny, not that it was in the first place. THIS ISSUES WINNER IS: Heslof, by default, seeing as the other 2 jokes were in bad taste. Oh well, 50 moolah is yours! ----- COMMERCIAL & PERSONAL AD'S: > Tired of your old Slig pants? Me too. Let's throw all our pants away and walk around like nature intended, nude! Join me for a mass pants burial at Bright Farms Co. > 3 tons of rotten wood for sale. 150 moolah. TEL: 0182 333 988 > Flying sligs needed to guard detention centre for flying sligs in Soulstorm Brewery. Easy work. Full time. 60 moolah per day. Good referance available if you leave. Contract work, sign up for 2 years at a time. Free oil and petrol. TEL: 0182 723 723 SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine staff: Writers: Stevix Editor: Rozzle Reporters: CANNOT BE NAMED Receptionist: Coth Chief coffee maker: Roldy Magog Cartel law specialiser: Chronicler Sphenixson Slig security: Font Len Disue Vilt Hond Owner: Stevix "No news is good news. I'm afraid I cannot believe in this motto in my position." - Stevix. If you wish to have anything published (jokes, interveiws, complaints, birthday wishes, information, etc), then PM mollucks assistant and he will personally make sure it is included in the next issue of SLIG'S WEIRD! Thanks for reading! ----- credit goes to AlexFili for providing Bright Farms Co. ad. Credit goes to Scrabtrapman for providing the M.O.M. News report. thanks folks! |
So how much of it is your work then? 90%?
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if your talking to me, everything in each issue is my work, apart from the sections i state as belonging to someone else. in the last issue, the whole M.O.M. report is Scrabtrapman's, and the Bright Farms Co. ad is yours. everything else is written by me.
i need help people! send me your ideas! |
That's really commendable :D Just make sure not to get burned out by writing too much too soon! I'll help you with a few more sections ;)
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cheers AlexFili, need the help.
i actually enjoy writing these articles a lot more than general story writing, but your right. too much too soon could result in running out of idea's. |
We need to ask some regulars like Mr.Odd and Oddey to try and contribute a little bit. If we all chip in I'm sure we can turn this into something amazing.
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i've been meaning to PM certain members who write stories for permission to interview their characters for SLIG'S WEIRD! i'll have to get onto it, i think some people are a bit worried their contribution will be complained about. but this is a community project, everyone should join in.
some members dont even know what this is because they simply wont look at it, which is a shame because they could enjoy it. spread the word! what about giving +rep to members that contribute? that would encourage people. |
Hey MA, I want to say well done for this. Finally got around to reading it, and it was really entertaining! You've come a long way over your time in OWF.
I like the idea of an FC community project too; pretty cool! The only issue I've seen is that you've talked about Rupture Farms, Bonewerkz, the Brewmaster and setting up Necrum Mines, which would set this some time before AO, and yet Abe has been mentioned, in an MOM article, I think. You should probably edit out things like that. :p I don't think people would mind too much. Anyway, I will be sending you some stuff very soon. Keep up the good work! |
yep, your right. that M.O.M. article was posted by Scrabtrapman but i forgot to edit out the part where he mentioned Abe. i'll do that now.
i thought that the time before Abe arrived on the scene would be the best era to have this 'magazine' set, seeing as many industries are thriving, and it would also mean that if i included Abe, Rupture Farms would go down, as well as Bonewerkz, FeeCo Depot, Soulstorm Brewery and the head of Slig Barracks in a few days. it would get a bit boring then. thanks! |
It might be very interesting one day in the future to show that it's happened. It would be great to here the conspiracy theories and questions that 'Slig's WEIRD' would publish in response.
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thats actually a good idea, i could do that near the end of the series.
Issue: 9 OVERRUN AT SCRAB-O-RAMA! Well a new side show incorporated with Soulstorm Mining Co has been discovered at the dismay of Soulstorm Mining Co managers. They were intending to reveal its existance once Soulstorm Mining Co were fully fledged and were out of the danger zone, but an overrun of animals there has attracted attention, therefore ruining the 'surprise' for those people interested. The fairly new Scrab-o-rama! is in danger of being overwhelmed by fleeches. The fleeches are being bred to create soft, multiple fleech tongues, and are fed the left overs of dead mudokons that the scrabs kill and eat. The fleeches are killed before they grow too large but there numbers are great and are still rising. It has got to the point where sligs and slogs cannot be sent in to cull a number of them as the brave employees are eaten alive. We asked the glukkon manager of Scrab-o-rama! what his feelings were; "Its turning into a real nightmare. We simply cant afford to risk any more employees in there, mudokons as well! The only option thats increasingly growing more likely is to let a few scrabs in there with 'em, and see if they can kill a few. They'll probably end up eaten eventually, and it doesnt matter if all the fleeches are killed, I mean they're in abundance in Necrum, but the scrabs are difficult to get hold of for us. We only have a small workforce, well, even smaller now. Thats the future plan anyway, so you can see our predicament." REPORTER: "But your in association with Soulstorm Mining Co aren't you? Couldnt they do something to help?" "Oh no, not with this recent uproar with the D.W. League or whatever they're called. I spose the only option is to lock 'em up and starve them. I just hope that league doesnt find out. I'll pay you not to print the last bit." REPORTER: "I'm sorry, we dont accept bribes. But you dont need to worry, the D -" "Then I'm gonna have to ask you to get the hell off my property." Our reporter was ushered off Scrab-o-rama! premises by the remaining slig guards. MAG: I think the D.F.W. League has bitten off more than they can chew to bother with Scrab-o-rama! as well. -ADVERT- BOOM Machine! Dont settle for dodgy, explode-in-your-face grenades! Use our maximum blast top quality grenades for more effect, and most importantly, more SAFETY! PERFECT for BOOM Machine! refills and all mining, demolition and devastation needs. 100 moolah for a box of 35 BOOM Machine! grenades. WHEN ONLY AN EXPLOSIVE SOLUTION WILL DO! DIAL: 0182 567 499 (2moolah per min). -ADVERT FINISH- MAD BUT TRUE ANIMALS! 1.) Once, one of my fleeches grabbed a fly with its tongue, but another fleech wrapped its tongue around the same fly. I watched as the bigger fleech just pulled the other fleech into its mouth and ate it! I didnt know fleeches ate each other! MAG: I've never seen that. ----- Dont ask how we got our hands on this little gem, Stevix wont tell anyone, just read and enjoy. It is all true. Great Big Glukkon Blunders Things Rumor Kontrol keeps to themselves By 'Yolk' A year back I was working at a tiny factory in the middle of nowhere and found out about a certain event that's definitely off of the official factory records. About a year after opening then, there was a mass breakout of animals in the stockyards, mostly paramites. They don't exactly know how this happened but it was probably done by a mud employee. So all these paramites got free and started looking for an exit. All the sligs grabbed their guns and started trying to round them up before they did too much damage, but the place was in pandemonium, totally out of control, and the shooting and grenades just frightened the animals even more and sent them even wilder! As if that wasn't enough, the dumb gluk in charge ordered sligs to give weapons to the muds in the stockyards to help them quell the trouble. Well, lets say it didn't exactly pan out that way! With muds joining the revolt and a danger to the factory itself, the glukkons were forced to open the factory gates and watch all of their stock run away. Any dead paramites left lying around they couldn't get into storage in time to save the meat, because most of the muds ran off as well. In the end the factory lost thousands of moolah in lost meat. Nine muds escaped, which was a big problem for the tiny lab; those nine were more than two thirds of the whole work force! And three sligs died; again, a huge chunk out of the total number there. The losses very nearly killed the factory. With no meat for their best selling products and almost no staff, they barely managed to pull themselves out of the gutters again. -ADVERT- FLEECH FOOD! The superior glukkon pet food! Only the best off cuts of offal! 25 moolah per sack. FEED THEM BEFORE THEY FEED ON YOU! Brought to you by Rupture Farms. DIAL: 0182 262 369 (2 moolah per min). -ADVERT FINISH- Words With Kroloff YES! Its time to hear our sergeant Kroloff’s words of wisdom, expert in weapons, combat and hunting, with over 16 years experience, and currently stationed at a small slig outpost in Scrabania. But he still has time to answer your questions! Anonymous: Hello there Kroloff. Listen, me and my pals were thinking of hunting some paramites in a local wood, but we're not sure what weapons we should use and how to track them, they're quick little buggers. Any suggestions? Kroloff: Well I can say that you will obviously need a rifle, but not if they come at you. If they attack you, you should use some sort of blade like a knife or saber, its a hell of a lot easier than trying to aim a ruddy great rifle at them while they're ripping your throat out. Also, read up on the book 'Hunting Tips for Paramonian Scout Team Leaders Part 2' by Drothy the slig. Its better than part 1 because it skips all the obvious necessities and gets straight to the point. Very easy to read, unlike those Vykker 'Surgery For Sligs' books, they're about as understandable as someone sitting on an active mine. ----- RUBBISH JOKES! 1.) There's a fleech and a fuzzle in a microwave. The fuzzle says to the fleech, "It's very hot in here, isn't it?" And the fleech says, "Blimey, a talking fuzzle!" By: Chakke. 2.) Why do Stingbees hum? A: Because they dont know the words! By: Hone. 3.) What slog keeps the best time? A: A watch-slog! By: Karry. THIS ISSUES WINNER IS: Chakke with that golden oldie. Well done, 50 moolah in the post! ----- COMMERCIAL & PERSONAL AD'S: > Need Slig pants? I've just found a massive pile of free pants that are just lying around waiting around for people to pick them up. Come to Bright Farms Co. If you want them. > 2 slogs up for adoption. Cant look after them due to rising paperwork. Good homes only. Cant be seperated. 100 moolah for both. TEL: 0182 209 007 > Old pair of slig legs for sale, 6 years old. 25 moolah. TEL: 0182 743 986 ----- BIRTHDAY WISHES! All the team at SLIG'S WEIRD! would like to wish our boss, Stevix, a happy birthday today, and want to thank him for keeping this new starting magazine afloat. He is a pretty good manager, even if he does wear a green suit. Also thanks go to his PA slig that types up everything Stevix wants printing, but doesnt want his name shown in the staff list. Quite a modest chap. From everyone at SLIG'S WEIRD! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! MAG: HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU OLD CODGER! ----- COMPLAINTS. And now as we reach the end of the magazine, we come to the complaints any of you readers have sent in. Crunch: okay, i'm a bit p*ssed off about what you said about my joke in the last issue. It was a joke, dont take things too seriously. Jeez. I'm sorry but it was totally uncalled for. 16 good sligs died at Magog Motors and you decide to take a cheap shot at them. You should be ashamed of yourself. We will contact Rumor Kontrol if you post us any more offensive jokes that are at a dead slig's expense. SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine staff: Writers: Stevix Editor: Rozzle Reporters: CANNOT BE NAMED Receptionist: Coth Chief coffee maker: Roldy Magog Cartel law specialiser: Chronicler Sphenixson Slig security: Font Len Disue Vilt Hond Owner: Stevix "No news is good news. I'm afraid I cannot believe in this motto in my position." - Stevix. If you wish to have anything published (jokes, interveiws, complaints, birthday wishes, information, etc), then PM mollucks assistant and he will personally make sure it is included in the next issue of SLIG'S WEIRD! Thanks for reading! ----- credit goes to Splat for supplying the 'Great Big Glukkon Blunders' article and joke No: 1. Credit also goes to AlexFili for the 'Need slig pants?' Ad. thank you people! |
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Well, gotta say it was slightly bizarre seeing my own writing in there, but cool! And 50 moolah? Awesome! Another good article :p |
cheers!
the slig pants ad was the work of AlexFili, following the pants burial in the previous issue. i think that idea is good. :D |
Issue: 10
FeeCo Depot CRASH! Well its happened. A major train crash has occurred on the line connecting FeeCo Depot to Bonewerkz. This will majorly effect Bonewerkz profits seeing as the track suspending the monstrous trains has been mangled in the wreckage. One of our reporters arrived at the scene to see flying sligs lumbering lengths of twisted metal from the two trains in a effort to reveal the damage done to the track, so that a flying slig engineer could attempt to fix it. The trains themselves have been made totally unrepairable from the impact, as they were travelling at amazing speeds, and are in the process of being removed from the track. We asked a junior glukkon from FeeCo Depot who was overseeing the chaos for a few words; "This is a tragedy. We dont know how this has come about. We are so careful with our times and drivers, hence the motto 'The trains will run on time'." REPORTER: "But in one of our last issues we found out that you are forcing your drivers to work incredible shifts without break and only 6 hours sleep. Shouldnt you only have yourselves to blame?" "What?! Where did you get that information? What we do with our employee's is our business only, not yours. It is only the fault of the drivers at hand. They should have been paying attention, and if they cant hack it, they should bugger off and do something easier." REPORTER: "Have there been any fatalites?" "Yes. The slig driving one of the trains died on impact, and we assume he didnt have time to stop. He was literally crushed to death between two sheets of iron as the two trains collided. Thats what our flying sligs said, anyway." REPORTER: "What about the other slig?" "He was the bloody one that was asleep at the controls! He should have been the one that got killed. Ironic really. This is one of the few train lines that is actually used by trians going in opposite directions. The slig that survived must have overslept before hand and therefore travelled down the track later than normal, meaning that the other train joined the same line at the right time, but had a head on collision thanks to the previous slig's inability to get up on time." REPORTER: "Do you have anything to say to director Phleg about this fiasco and how it will effect his work?" "All I can say on behalf of vice president Aslik is that we deeply apolagise and will have this track cleared for trade as soon as possible." We also asked the surviving train driver for his feelings; "I cant f*cking believe it! I could lose my job over this! Why am I so stupid!! I should have woken up when my alarm went off. I'm sorry, I need a cigarette." We couldnt lure vice president Aslik out of his office, but we managed to get a few words from director Phleg; "This is unbelievable! Did you hear me?! UNBELIEVABLE!! I cant believe this sh*t! I tell you somethin', that scrawny b*stard Asswipe is gonna get an earfull from me. Him and his ridiculous working hours. I read the article in your magazine and it made think that he should change the bloody rules before something like this happens again and causes another train crash, making businesses like mine suffer! Hurgh!!" Sleep deprivation and industrial train driving do not mix. Hopefully Aslik will have some sense about him and make the hours more 'humane'. -ADVERT- VISIT SLURG SLUSHIES CENTRE Fun for everyone! A new, small ranch celebrating the beauty of slurgs, everyday! A tasty culinary delight! Join us for our special homemade slurg slushies and enjoy the Necrum jungle sun. CALL: 0182 396 399 (1 moolah per min). CALL NOW!! -ADVERT FINISH- MAD BUT TRUE ANIMALS! 1.) I have a pet paramite and he does this weird thing to me everyday. When i wake up i've been wrapped up in this webbing that keeps me quite cool. Its a bit of a nuisance and he does it every night while i'm asleep. It starting to get annoying now though, because it gets wrapped around my legs. MAG: I wouldnt let him do that if I was you. You might not ever wake up. ----- INTERVIEW TIME! Welcome back! Today I'm returning to talk to one of our most recent guests, Silpher. His group of thirteen hybrids are roaming the land and learning about nature! The males are; Silpher, Ulric, Lorn, Karn, Dogol, Hemm and Bron. The females are; Inna, Tulia, Riley, Bitsy and Lara. Interviewer: Welcome back Mr.Silpher, how are you? Silpher: Not too bad today, I've got a bit of a scratch from a Scrab, but it doesn't hurt too much. I: You have first-aid materials. S: (nods) Yes, we have quite a few packs from scavenging, but we mainly rely on herbal remedies. I: You have some healers in your pack? S: Yes (smiles), Bitsy is the one. I: Do you have a particular female in mind? S: Yes (closes eyes and smiles), Tulia is very close to me. I: I see. Be sure to read next week's issue when we talk with Ulric, the pack Alpha! -ADVERT- THE GOLDEN GUN! EXCLUSIVE FROM THE WEAPON STOREROOM IN SLIG BARRACKS. The new, and improved, Golden Gun that gives that extra kick without kicking like an elum. More than sufficient power, spot on sights, brilliant range, and incredible stopping power. For use as a sniper rifle, with scope attachment, and semi-automatic setting. Or use as a close quarters sub machine gun, with automatic setting. 2850 moolah. CALL: 0182 732 739 (2 moolah per min). -ADVERT FINISH- Words With Kroloff YES! Its time to hear our sergeant Kroloff’s words of wisdom, expert in weapons, combat and hunting, with over 16 years experience, and currently stationed at a small slig outpost in Scrabania. But he still has time to answer your questions! Robbo: My gun keeps jamming, any advice? Kroloff: Well when guns jam its usually caused by heat and the expanding of the metal. Try not to fire too many shots in succession, or wipe the mechanisms on show with a wet cloth. Many decent guns nowadays have a cooling system built into them, so it may be time to buy a new one. I assume you are using an old model or a Slig Barracks standard issue slig rifle. Also, make sure you take apart and clean your gun at least once a week, because the jamming may be caused by stuff like sand getting clogged inside the mechanisms. Good luck. ----- RUBBISH JOKES! 1.) Whats the deadliest dancer on Oddworld? A: A scrab! By: Jozzi 2.) How do you disable a fleech? A: Tell it a tongue-twister! By: Dost 3.) Whats more of a moolah-grabber than a glukkon? A: A chronicler! By: Side MAG: You should have seen Sphenixson's face when he read that. THIS ISSUES WINNER IS: Dost with that nifty joke. Well done, 50 moolah is on its way to your wallet! ----- COMMERCIAL & PERSONAL AD'S: > Broken mine cart, good strong metal. 100 moolah. TEL: 0182 777 454 > Wanted: 5000 Moolah reward for anyone who can give me contact details for any of those DFW gtrz! TEL: 0821 634 902, ask for Grace. > 3 reliable rifles for sale. Previous owner slig from Slig Barracks, so good condition. 250 moolah for all 3. Bargain. TEL: 0182 888 768 SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine staff: Writers: Stevix Editor: Rozzle Reporters: CANNOT BE NAMED Receptionist: Coth Chief coffee maker: Roldy Magog Cartel law specialiser: Chronicler Sphenixson Slig security: Font Len Disue Vilt Hond Owner: Stevix "No news is good news. I'm afraid I cannot believe in this motto in my position." - Stevix. If you wish to have anything published (jokes, interveiws, complaints, birthday wishes, information, etc), then PM mollucks assistant and he will personally make sure it is included in the next issue of SLIG'S WEIRD! Thanks for reading! ----- credit goes to AlexFili for supplying the interview and the Words With Kroloff question. Also credit goes to Splat for providing the 'DFW contact details' ad. dont forget to chip in people! |
Hey, Alex, was that interview based on a fanfic? Sound's interesting...
I need to get writing again! |
hey molluck I cant keep up with an issue a day its hard and AlexFili is rght we need to focus on your regulars
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dont worry Scrabtrapman, just do what your comfortable with.
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Need I say anything?
Other than these are looking great.:D |
Yeah, I decided to give my Silpher's Pack cast a few interviews. I had the interview idea quite a while ago, but I wasn't sure how to approach it. This works out quite well. I'll try and throw in a few more cameos later on ;)
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it seems that making an interview with one of your characters and putting it here is a good way to advertise your story, like a taster.
Issue: 11 VICE PRESIDENT ASLIK BETRAYS HARD WORKING SLIGS! Vice president Aslik has condemned the surviving slig train driver to death due to HIS OWN mistakes! The following information was obtained from a reliable source at FeeCo Depot; The surviving slig train driver, who we now know is named Tholl, was pulled from his train cabin in the early hours of this morning by Aslik's cronie sligs and replaced by a younger slig driver. He had just finished unloading cargo from his train at FeeCo Depot and was about to continue to Slig Barracks, when he was pulled from his cabin as he was opening the door by a group of around 4 sligs. They ushered a younger slig train driver into the cabin and brutally knocked out Tholl with a truncheon. He was dragged to FeeCo Depot detention centre and is currently counting the seconds left of his life before he is sent to Skillya. And this is all because Tholl crashed a train after working 7 days a week with less than 6 hours sleep a night. Vice president Aslik doesnt deserve the title 'president', he should have seen this coming. If we at SLIG'S WEIRD! were able to predict this happening then I'm sure that a glukkon who actually runs a transportation hub for the Magog Cartel himself should have seen the error of his ways and corrected them. We were not able to interview Tholl as we were not allowed on FeeCo Depot premises. MAG: Must have known we wouldnt like it, along with many other sligs working for FeeCo Depot I'm sure. Hard working sligs of Mudos, join together in union now and protest in any way possible to stop this injustice! A slig's life is at stake! Send us your views and opinions to show these glukkons of major corporations that WE WILL NOT BE PUSHED AROUND! We are going to pursue this story to the end. -ADVERT- Super Oil! For those sligs that care enough about their flight suits to make them last that little bit longer. 100 moolah per gallon! BUY 10 GALLONS AND GET A Super Oil! TANK FOR FREE! For orders or more details TEL: 0679 333 333 (2 moolah per min). -ADVERT FINISH- M.O.M – News you cannot refuse – By the Scrabtrapman ISSUE4: SLIG BARRACKS FALL! Yesterday a group of mudokons around 200, fresh from the mudokon uprising barracks, Slig’s took heavy resistance and each platform was fought for inch by bloody inch, the mudarchers kept coming in great swathes while tomahawkers battered the poppers in front, Aslik took a ball car outta there just as the muds found the boiler room, lucky they didn’t no how to operate the boilers, ha stupid little muds, however now they have taken the entire barracks and are raising the labour eggs, apparently the next stop is Maggie the glukkon queen! MAG: That is some big news. Damn M.O.M. for finding it first. Our side story today is about a meech that was found in the very back pen of Rupture farms, it was found with a litter of dead meech’s which leads M.O.M to believe that somewhere there is a male meech ready for breeding woop woop! ----- MAD BUT TRUE ANIMALS! 1.) Today I was patrolling the border of Soulstorm Mining Co, the part opposite to Necrum where there's just endless desert. Anyway I looked up at the train track and I saw this green thing. It started moving and I realised it was a paramite! It was making a bloody web! Well I was watching it when I heard a train coming, and saw the train's wheels run over the track exactly where the paramite was. Once all the train had passed, it crawled down one of the track poles onto the floor, and ran out into the desert! How did it survive and what was it doing in the desert?! MAG: Weird! -ADVERT- IRON BULLETS Made from compacted and reinforced iron, with a razor sharp point guaranteed to pass clean through iron plating, whether it be armour or shelter. 30 moolah per box of 35 iron bullets. Iron bullet pistol 500 moolah. First 500 orders receive prototype iron bullet pistol FREE! Phone us to order the ammunition 0908 723 221 (1 moolah per min). You can depend on the proficiency of Vykkers Labs products! The bullets that are as hard as iron, and can pierce it! -ADVERT FINISH- Words With Kroloff YES! Its time to hear our sergeant Kroloff’s words of wisdom, expert in weapons, combat and hunting, with over 16 years experience, and currently stationed at a small slig outpost in Scrabania. But he still has time to answer your questions! Rawley: Hi, I need to get rid of my Slog, but I don't want to hurt it or anything. What's the best way of giving it to another Slig without fuss? Kroloff: Well I'm no expert in being suttle, but I would advise you to make an advert for the slog clearly stating 'to a good home only', and also add that you will inspect the purchaser's premises personally to ensure good intentions. That should deter any cruel or otherwise unnecessary people. If you dont want that kind of fuss, like you stated, then I would personally give the slog to a friend who you know will look after it, or ask them if they know anyone who may be interested. ----- RUBBISH JOKES! 1.) Why did the fuzzle cross the road? A: To get to the other side! By: Forse 2.) What sor tof clothing does a pet slog wear? A: A PETticoat! By: Dost 3.) What do you get if you cross a stingbee with a door bell? A: A humdinger! By: Collu THIS ISSUES WINNER IS: Collu, with that joke that was a little bit better than the other jokes, i spose. Well done anyway, 50 moolah is looking for you! ----- COMMERCIAL & PERSONAL AD'S > Tamed paramite for sale to a good home. Owner died, not through paramite. 50 moolah. TEL: 0182 566 907 > Got a itchy trigger finger? Help my rookie bunkmate learn how to shoot straight and I'll give you 100 moolah! Write to; Happy Farms Ltd, 30th Bunk. > Wanted: Sligs and mudokons to work for a short while as ejector seat testers. Reasonable pay. Involves a small amount of travelling. TEL: 0199 717 547 SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine staff: Writers: Stevix Editor: Rozzle Reporters: CANNOT BE NAMED Receptionist: Coth Chief coffee maker: Roldy Magog Cartel law specialiser: Chronicler Sphenixson Slig security: Font Len Disue Vilt Hond Owner: Stevix "No news is good news. I'm afraid I cannot believe in this motto in my position." - Stevix. If you wish to have anything published (jokes, interveiws, complaints, birthday wishes, information, etc), then PM mollucks assistant and he will personally make sure it is included in the next issue of SLIG'S WEIRD! Thanks for reading! ----- credit goes to Scrabtrapman for supplying M.O.M. News report, to AlexFili for adding the Words With Kroloff question and 'itchy trigger finger' ad, and also to Splat for providing the 'ejector seat testers' ad. Cheers people! for the record, i am really stuck for jokes at the moment, the jokes i put in this issue were from a website, i converted them to Oddworld style. |
It's easy to make jokes that aren't funny. Just think of oddworld related puns.
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why is abe blue, because he ate a depresed paramite pie
omg that really was shit EDIT: It dosent even make sence |
that actually made me laugh, i'll include it in the next issue.
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Why? Abe isn't famous yet...
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oh my mistake, i forgot.
Issue: 12 THE ASLIK, PHLEG AND DRIPIK TIFF TRIANGLE Aslik, an accomplished glukkon running his own transportation hub for the Magog Cartel. Also a self-centred, aristocratic, egotistical smug git. Dripik, a brave and capable glukkon managing his own Slig Barracks. Also a forgetful, not-too-bright bufoon. Phleg, a straight-talking, level-headed glukkon directing his own Bonewerkz mill. Also a hatred fuelled stressed ticking time bomb of angst that just about keeps himself from chewing the heads off everyone who opposes him long enough to hold a board meeting. Our source (who cannot be named for their own safety) tells us that these three glukkons have been nagging at each other since this succession of events at all three organisations about keeping on top of things. Vice president Aslik made this public statement yesterday; "We at FeeCo Depot would like to apolagise to all the industries affected by these sudden turn of events, for any inconvenience caused. The rail line that was damaged in the crash will likely be fixed in the next day or so. We are continuing our duty as normal, and this shouldnt effect any other industries apart from those on the receiving end of the damaged line. Thats all I have to say, thank you." Director Phleg has been bugging vice president Aslik over the phone due to his lack of bone delivery to his mill thanks to Aslik's fumbling staff rules, and Aslik has gone to desperate measures to divert all calls from Bonewerkz to one of his advisor glukkons. Director Phleg, despite all the trouble he and his business is having, has actually donated some of his hard earned (and much needed) moolah to FeeCo Depot in an effort to speed up the process of fixing the major line connecting Bonewerkz to FeeCo Depot. General Dripik has had a bit of a fiasco with Slig Barracks recently where he enjoyed an uprisong from the mudokons. Apparently the uprising was true, but rumours spiralled out of control when a number of people reported to M.O.M. News that mudokons had apparently taken over Slig Barracks. Rumor Kontrol recently dismissed this as myth and says that everything at Slig Barracks is under very strict control and that there is no need to worry. They also warned anyone looking to stir up trouble that they will be severely reprimanded for 'aiding mudokon terrorism'. MAG: You dont mess with Rumor Kontrol. General Dripik did not wish to be interviewed at this time, but a slig captain informed us that they have upped security at Slig Barracks incase the mudokons 'get any ideas'. -ADVERT- SCRAB-O-RAMA Hunting preserve & bone yard! See: scrabs attack clumsy mudokon employees! Hear: slurgs pop under feet! Feel: the gentle caress of multiple fleech tongues! In association with Soulstorm Mining Co. TEL: 0600 963 229 (1 moolah per min). -ADVERT FINISH- M.O.M – News you cannot refuse – By the Scrabtrapman ISSUE5: RUMOURS ANNOUNCED! Dripik issued M.O.M a private talk today to announce that Slig Barracks was never assaulted, however, the terrorist group now formerly known as MRS (mudokon rebellion squad) has assaulted various strategic choke points around Mudos, Dripik told us “I err… know for certain that those f***ing mud scum have not assaulted my beautiful barracks, I am sending in big bros to kill anyone who dares get in my metaphorical way”! What a moron huh. ----- MAD BUT TRUE ANIMALS! 1.) We put down a slog in Soulstorm Brewery today. When it was shot in the head it let out a sort of growl, and I'm telling you it sounded like 'goodbye'! MAG: Whoa, that's strange! -ADVERT- Slurg Sundaes! Cold or hot, they’re better with extra rot! Order your supply now by calling; 0182 262 369 (2 moolah per min). Brought to you by Rupture Farms. -ADVERT FINISH- Words With Kroloff YES! Its time to hear our sergeant Kroloff’s words of wisdom, expert in weapons, combat and hunting, with over 16 years experience, and currently stationed at a small slig outpost in Scrabania. But he still has time to answer your questions! Aaer: Hello, I need to get a Mudokon to scratch my back. How can I make sure he doesn't whack me on the back of my head while my back is turned? I got this really, really bad itch that needs a-scratchin! Kroloff: Well, when ever I get some bad itch on the part of your back that you cant reach, I just rub my back against the wall, or if your outside, a tree or post. But if you gotta get a mud to do it, even though I would advise against it, I'd say clobber him before hand so he knows your serious, or get one of your mates to watch your back as he does the job. ----- RUBBISH JOKES! 1.) What do you get if you mix a flying slig with a recycler? A: A chopper! By: Kali 2.) Whats the difference between a slurg and a mudokon? A: One is useful and one aint! I'll let you work out which is which. By: Crunch. 3.) What's stupid, stinks and doesn't taste too good? A: Not an elum, a gluk! By: Wellin THIS ISSUES WINNER IS: Kali, with that smart-ass joke. We're sending 50 moolah off to you. ----- COMMERCIAL & PERSONAL AD'S > Watchyerstep -Have you been injured at work? Has another Slig's bad work behaviour resulted in you losing an arm or a leg? We can help! Watchyerstep is an amazing new law firm that will do all of the legal work. We do not ask for an upfront payment and you will recieve 100% of the compensation! Call us now! 09191 104040 203040 (Calls cost 2 moolah per min) > Flight suit wanted rid of. 16 years old, just about had it. Good metal though. 50 moolah. TEL: 0182 659 002 > Barn needs mucking out at a large meep ranch west of Rupture Farms, near the west side of the Free-fire zone. 250 moolah once the jobs done. About 2 days work if you have a small digger, otherwise it;ll take yoou about a week. Phone our associate at Rupture Farms for more details. TEL: 0182 262 369 ask for Dollen. (2 moolah per min). MAG: Dont miss the next issue where we interview Ulric, the alpha leader of Silpher and his pack! SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine staff: Writers: Stevix Editor: Rozzle Reporters: CANNOT BE NAMED Receptionist: Coth Chief coffee maker: Roldy Magog Cartel law specialiser: Chronicler Sphenixson Slig security: Font Len Disue Vilt Hond Owner: Stevix "No news is good news. I'm afraid I cannot believe in this motto in my position." - Stevix. If you wish to have anything published (jokes, interveiws, complaints, birthday wishes, information, etc), then PM mollucks assistant and he will personally make sure it is included in the next issue of SLIG'S WEIRD! Thanks for reading! ----- credit goes to Scrabtrapman for providing the M.O.M. News report, also to AlexFili for the Words With Kroloff question and the 'Watch yer step' ad. Thanks people, and dont forget to PM me your contribution! |
this is great, i can imagine the MOM interview as if it was in game
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ty
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I tend to skip to the jokes and skim read the rest and even then it's very nice work. I'm a little blank on contributations at the moment.:D
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i like people to treat this as they would a real magazine; skimming over parts their not really interested in and concentrating on areas that interest them. its like keeping up with the times in Oddworld.
Issue: 13 VICE PRESIDENT ASLIK EATS HIS OWN WORDS! Vice president Aslik adressed slig protestors outside FeeCo Depot today and stated that Tholl, the unfortunate train driver, would not be sent to Skillya, but would instead be transferred to another company. One of our reporters managed to get a few words from him amongst the crowds before he retreated back to his office; "There was a slight mix up, and he was accused of crimes he didnt commit. Therefore he has been pardoned. Goodbye." MAG: Yeah right. We could not find Tholl, as he was in the process of being transferred. No high-ranking FeeCo Depot staff will give away his destination. -ADVERT- Scrab shooter! Designed by Vykkers Labs to pierce the tough skin of scrabs and kill the beast. The weapons powerful bullet trajectory system is GUARANTEED to eradicate the animal due to its unique propulsion technique. Already ordered in mass batches by scrab hunters, Scrabania outposts and the famous Slig Barracks, don’t be the last person to own your very own Scrab shooter! 2500 moolah DIAL: 0908 723 221 (1 moolah per min). Another fine product from Vykkers Labs! -ADVERT FINISH- M.O.M – News you cannot refuse – By the Scrabtrapman ISSUE6: DROP POD Last night two mysterious drop pods hurtled into a small jungle 40 miles from a slig outpost, delegate General Gibson told us, “We are investigating what sent these pods down; they appear to resemble wasp heads with six eyes”! The general has sent Mudos quadrant 11 into danger level 10 (1%-5% threat alert) These mysterious pods give a interesting chance that there is life off Oddworld! ----- MAD BUT TRUE ANIMALS! 1.) Today i was out hunting in Scrabania when I come across a TAME scrab! Im not joking! I approached it and it didnt seem bothered, and I actually managed to ride it home! Amazing! MAG: I'm sorry but that is unbelievable, literally, and anyone who does believe it needs their head testing. ----- INTERVIEW TIME! And now we return to Silpher and his pack. This time, we have the Alpha leader Ulric. Ulric: Hello SW Magazine. Interviewer: You know us, we're glad. U: Silpher told me, let's begin. I: So, you are the pack Alpha? U: That's right. It ain't an easy job, but we all stick with each other through thick and thin. I: You had a couple of scrapes and cuts lately from a Scrab attack? U: Yeah, this is one (points to eyebrow), but it's not as bad as this one (points to his arm). It'll be fine in a few weeks. I: Inna is your female companion? U: You could call her that, but not to her face. She can be pretty rough when she wants to be. I'll tell you a story about her... Well, after reading the interview... It doesn't look like the Inna story will be suitable for broadcast. We'll try and censor out the material, but it could take a few months. MAG: Cant wait for THAT instalment! -ADVERT- FLEECH FOOD! The superior glukkon pet food! 25 moolah per sack Only the best off cuts of offal! DIAL: 0182 262 369 (2 moolah per min). Brought to you by Rupture Farms. -ADVERT FINISH- Words With Kroloff YES! Its time to hear our sergeant Kroloff’s words of wisdom, expert in weapons, combat and hunting, with over 16 years experience, and currently stationed at a small slig outpost in Scrabania. But he still has time to answer your questions! Anonymous: I was wondering, do you have any info or references for The Golden Gun product? I'm not sure whether to get one or not. Kroloff: I actually do have one, got it cheap off a contact of mine, if you know what I mean. So far i find the weapon above average; its spot on sights and precise shooting is deadly, and very effective. I found I can shoot stuff I can barely see! On the other hand the automatic setting is a bit crap, because its just too precise. A good machinegun should spray its ammunition, not too wide of course, but it must not be very precise. All in all, excellent sniper ability, rubbish machinegun/automatic setting. ----- RUBBISH JOKES! 1.) What do you call a miniature scrab? A: A crab! By: Dost 2.) How do you tell the differenct between a slog and a glukkon? A: One barks, and the other barks orders! By: Hollen 3.) Whats the dirtiest animal on Oddworld? A: A MUDokon! By: Greenz THIS ISSUES WINNER IS: Greenz, with that (slightly) amusing joke. Well done my friend, 50 moolah is all yours! ----- COMMERCIAL & PERSONAL AD'S > Small ranch for sale. We went bust all of a sudden with the price drop for meep in the market. 20 acres of land also. All fenced off and secure. No employees. Plenty of dead meep. 5500 moolah. Tel: 0182 398 700 > Slig Bond - Want to see the latest Slig Bond adventures? Why not see them on fancy high-definition red-ray discs! Movies include; The Slig with the Golden Gun, Sligfinger, Sliggyeye, Casino Slig and of course, Quantum of Slig. 10 moolah each or 35 moolah for all of them in a special 5-pack. Call 01441 15161 1412 (calls cost 1 moolah per min) > NEW PA SLIG NEEDED. Good pay; 350 moolah a week. Easy job, just do everything I tell you. Also be willing to sacrifice your life to save mine. SERIOUS ENQUIRIES ONLY! TEL: 0182 591 221 SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine staff: Writers: Stevix Editor: Rozzle Reporters: CANNOT BE NAMED Receptionist: Coth Chief coffee maker: Roldy Magog Cartel law specialiser: Chronicler Sphenixson Slig security: Font Len Disue Vilt Hond Owner: Stevix "No news is good news. I'm afraid I cannot believe in this motto in my position." - Stevix. If you wish to have anything published (jokes, interveiws, complaints, birthday wishes, information, etc), then PM mollucks assistant and he will personally make sure it is included in the next issue of SLIG'S WEIRD! Thanks for reading! ----- credit goes to AlexFili for the interview and the Slig Bond ad. Also credit goes to Scrabtrapman for the M.O.M. News information. |
This is the only magazine I read.:D Keep it up MA!
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i got bored and made a random add.
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Keep it going, we do need more viewers though, weve only got the regulars!
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perhaps MA you should try splats idea to give it a bit of variation?
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thanks people. i will eventualy use Splat's idea, but not quite yet. probably when i near the end of this magazine's life.
Issue: 14 THE D.F.W. LEAGUE FIND THEIR FIRST CASE The D.F.W. League have sent out a message to anyone who will listen about their little piece of information which stains Bonewerkz hard working reputation. The information, that they received from a mudokon (and actually believed), is as follows; MUDOKON SURVIVES SICK SIDESHOW Sloggies at Bonewerkz are being trained to attack and kill mudokons in a secretly made theatre. Bonewerkz are throwing mudokons who they think are not working hard enough into the grounds where they are ripped apart by ultra vicious slogs and sloggies, for the entertainment of sligs and glukkons watching! Raxe, the only mudokon known to survive such an ordeal, came to us, the D.F.W. League, and told his story. "It was horrible! There were a few other mudokons and we were in lines in a sort of crapt shed. The doors were shut and locked from the outside and there was a slit in the side of the shed from which I could see the crowd of sligs and glukkons cheering. "The ringmaster was shouting something to the crowd but I was too scared to listen. As soon as the sligs opened the doors a slog, one of many, pounced onto the mudokon in front of me, and ripped the skin from his face! Three sloggies jumped onto me and I could hear the crowd jeering and laughing! "The sloggies were chewing on my arm and the pain was incredible, i tried to get them off but a slog ran at me full pelt and knocked me on my back. That was it then. I dont know how many slogs and sloggies were on me but all i could feel was teeth ripping away my flesh and crushing my bones! "I could hear screams from the other mudokons but at that point I didnt care about them, all I wanted to do was get these bloodthirsty animals off me and get out of there! Well, I managed to throw one slog off my head and kecked another slog in te muzzle. "I got up and nearly fell over again when my leg almost gave way. I knew I must have broken something in it but i couldnt see much, blood was getting into my eyes from the wound on my forehead. I wiped it off and saw the other mudokons fighting for their lives. "I almost threw up in blind panic when i saw a mudokon dead on the ground, slogs chewing through his stomach and dragging out his intestines. I limped out of there as fast as I could, through the open tent entrance and out into Bonewerkz storage section, I think I didnt get shot because the slig guards were too busy watching the spetacle. "I snuck onboard the next train which was destined for Soulstorm Mining Co and I jumped out just outside of it. I almost broke my ribs doing it! I wandered around the desert and amazingly found Necrum. The the D.F.W. League found me and nursed me back to health." Believe what you will, personally i dont believe a word of it. Just how could he have escaped without being shot? Slig guards are more wary than this mudokon made out. MAG: They're gonna milk this for all its worth. -ADVERT- FLAIL ALE ITS TOTALLY UPCHUCKALICIOUS! Order your crate NOW! DIAL; 0182 723 723 (3 moolah per min). Brought to you by Soulstorm Brewery. -ADVERT FINISH- M.O.M – News you cannot refuse – By the Scrabtrapman ISSUE7: UPRISINGS ARE RESTED The uprisings on the outer rim have been mopped up today, over 800 mudokons have been captured though many fled there are around 1200 accounted deaths, this is the largest mudokon uprising in the history of industrialism, Dripik said, “I obviously new that those duh, mudokons would get there duh juice, we are going to shoot every single one of the captured mudokons and hang them up for display in Molluck’s free fire zone”! M.O.M says, juice, that tard has finally lost it. In a sub story the drop pods that were seen have been found deep in the forest, a small camp had been set up, a few huts made from wax and a range, the owners were nowhere to be seen, the technology of the camp is almost primitive besides one strange long spire that protrudes the tree canopy, it had four red lights on top and appears to be beaming waves out to space that are increasing in intensity by the hour, outpost slig leader Dycort gave us this tapper message, “I think its best if we watch this closely I haven’t been given any outstanding orders to destroy the place so I won’t, yet”! ----- MAD BUT TRUE ANIMALS! 1.) This isnt really an amazing animal feat, but its still to do with animals. I had just purchased a paramite pie and decided to tuck into it at dinner break, when i bit into something tough. i looked at it and there was a bloody paramite finger sticking out of the inside! claw and everything! MAG: Disgusting. ----- INTERVIEW TIME! This issue we interview the warden of a notorious mixed prison. Interviewer: Hello, and thanks for giving the go ahead for this interview. What's the name of the prison you run again? Warden: The Magog prison, and please, the pleasure is all mine. I: Now, first thing, what are the pressures of running a mixed prison? Warden: Well I must say there is a lot of fights due to racial differences, but I assure you we are on top of the situation. I: Is there much paperwork? Warden: My assistant takes care of most the documents sent here, but I do my fair share and yes we sometimes get mountains of paperwork. I: I'm sure our readers would be interested in the amount of pay you receive, if you would like tell us? Warden: i rather not. I: Is there much of a risk factor running a prison like yours? Warden: Definitely, we get a lot of outlaws and Bro sligs here so you can imagine. I: Has your life ever been in peril doing this job? Warden: Once, lets just say i was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I: Are your prison guards competent? Warden: I would like to think so, but I've been in situations where I had to do they're job. I: Do you interact personally with the inmates you receive at all? Warden: Ever heard of a prison snitch? Other than that no. I: Do you, or have you ever, organised any games in the prison, like sports? Warden: Trust me, more "accidents" would happen if i did that. I: Do you enjoy your work? Warden: I do, but sometimes your faced with difficult decisions that your not proud of. I: And finally, do you have any advice to wannabe prison wardens? Warden: Keep a gun with you at all times. I: Thank you very much, you've been most cooperative. Warden: It's been an honor. (Shake hands). MAG: A very interesting character. I wouldnt be able to do his job. -ADVERT- SCRAB-O-RAMA Hunting preserve & bone yard! See: scrabs attack clumsy mudokon employees! Hear: slurgs pop under feet! Feel: the gentle caress of multiple fleech tongues! In association with Soulstorm Mining Co. -ADVERT FINISH- Words With Kroloff YES! Its time to hear our sergeant Kroloff’s words of wisdom, expert in weapons, combat and hunting, with over 16 years experience, and currently stationed at a small slig outpost in Scrabania. But he still has time to answer your questions! Anonymous: Do scrabs make good pets? I was wondering because someone said they could get one cheap for me. Kroloff: Whoa there! No way are scrabs good pets! They eat prey bigger then you everyday in the wild, and they'll just see you as a walking snack. And i assume that the 'pet' would have been industrialised, seeing as you said someone could buy one cheap and not capture one, which only makes them more vicious. all in all, no. Unless you have a death wish. Stick to shooting them with a Scrab Shooter. ----- RUBBISH JOKES! 1.) Why should you never pull a sligs tail? A: Because they dont like being fooled! By: Dost 2.) What do you call a happy mudokon? A: A laughing gas addict! By: Sworn 3.) What do you call an angry, wound up, ready-to-explode glukkon? A: Director Phleg! By: Ghunn THIS ISSUES WINNER IS: Ghunn, naughty naughty! 50 moolah is yours! ----- COMMERCIAL & PERSONAL AD'S > Ex-meech butcher, needs work desperately. Anything will do. TEL: 0182 722 122 > 45 acres up for grabs south of Rupture Farms Free-fire zone, 2500 moolah. Bit swampy but can be drained for building. Call 0182 309 846 and ask for manager dusken. > DA SLIGGY CODE: Can you help me? My friend wrote down this message, but it's encrypted in some kind of gibberish that I don't understand. If you're good with books and that kind of thing, come and help me sort this out. I'll pay you 150 moolah if you can decipher the message! Write to; Posituri Lab Barracks, 55th Bunk, West Wing. SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine staff: Writers: Stevix Editor: Rozzle Reporters: CANNOT BE NAMED Receptionist: Coth Chief coffee maker: Roldy Magog Cartel law specialiser: Chronicler Sphenixson Slig security: Font Len Disue Vilt Hond Owner: Stevix "No news is good news. I'm afraid I cannot believe in this motto in my position." - Stevix. If you wish to have anything published (jokes, interveiws, complaints, birthday wishes, information, etc), then PM mollucks assistant and he will personally make sure it is included in the next issue of SLIG'S WEIRD! Thanks for reading! ----- credit to mr.odd for the interview, Scrabtrapman for the M.O.M. News info, and to AlexFili for the 'SLIGGY CODE' ad. thanks! |
Man, I can't believe I missed three issues of this! Great as always. I really need to write you something!
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And once again I was not dissapointed. You truly have a knack for this sort of thing.:D
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thanks for reading people, i appreciate it.
Issue: 15 Scrab Shooters are FAULTY! All Scrab Shooters are being recalled to Vykkers Labs due to a major fault in the mass produced weapon. The rifling inside the barrel of the rifle is not established enough, and more importantly, the gun mechanism does not allow enough force to be applied to the ammunition once loaded. As a side note, the ammunition itself, which counts for a percentage of the trajectory power, is too feeble to cause enough damage to the scrab, merely causing a flesh wound. We at SLIG'S WEIRD! were approached by a severely disabled slig (in a wheelchair) and his assistant mudokon, who was hired by the injured slig after his incident to help him with the simplest of tasks. His name is Gollo, and he wasnt about to be bullied by the corporate giant Vykkers Labs into remaining anonymous. He told us this; REPORTER: "When you feel ready, tell us your story." (sighs). "Well, I used to work at this little logging camp, and I'd just finished my day shift. I clocked out, grabbed my new Scrab Shooter from the bunker and went out into the woods with a few friends for a bit of scrab hunting. We used to stick to paramites before, because we didnt trust our standard rifles enough to put down a fully grown bull scrab. "Anyway, I was the only one with this Scrab Shooter seeing as I had bought it with my own moolah, which, may I add, I had saved up for for the last three months once I had heard of the new weapon. "We went deep into the wood, and I mean deep. Deeper than usual, well you have to if your looking for paramites or scrabs. We spotted our first intended victim; a lone scrab. I loaded up my Scrab Shooter - I never load it before I see game, its a luck thing ever since I killed my first paramite using the same method - and shot at the beast. "There was a tremondous shreak, and I mean so loud it made your chest vibrate, and then the scrab roared. I was terrified, and most importantly, I was wondering why the hell this creature was still standing after a short range shot into the back with a Scrab Shooter. "I fired another shot, but this time it spotted us. My friends fired - well, it must have been over a dozen - shots into this thing, but it just made it go into a frenzy! We ran for it, and I know what all those poachers and expert scrab hunters are gonna be thinking right now; you never turn your back on a scrab, seeing as they can run a hell of a lot faster than you. But I'd like to see them stand up to a charging scrab with nothing but standard rifles and a bloody broken Scrab Shooter. "It ran straight into me, and I immediately lost all feeling from my neck down. One sight that disturbed me as I lay on the floor while my friends fleed was seeing my own metal legs in front of my face. The beast had hit me so hard my back had snapped and caused my legs to hang over my face as I landed on the ground. "The bastard thing killed two of my pals, but the third was lucky enough to find time to hide while the scrab had its way with my dead friends. I couldnt move, literally, and thank everything that is Odd that the scrab didnt come to me for dessert. "Eventually it wandered off and my surviving buddy came out from a hedge and carried me on his shoulder all the way back to the logging camp. I was given a heavy sedative once there, i dont know why because I told them I couldnt feel any pain, and I woke up on a bed in some Vykker-run clinic. They said I was lucky to be alive and that due to my spinal injury, i would never be suited to wearing pants again, without falling over, hence the wheelchair. REPORTER: " Do you wish to give a message to Vykkers Labs?" "Yeah. Next time take the time to PERFECT your merchandise instead of just throwing them out there and hoping for the best, only modifying them once an incident comes to your attention. Bastards. Thanks to them I'm stuck in this blasted chair for the rest of my life. I have sworn never to use bodge-job Vykker products ever again. They are responsible for what I am now. REPORTER: "Have you considered taking legal action against them?" "Legal action? Are you kidding me?! This is Vykkers Labs! They'll just sweep me under the carpet and I would probably end up having to pay them if I gave their bent chronicler law suits a chance in court. They'll brew up some legal mumbo-jumbo and I would end up worse off. REPORTER: "Ok, thank you for your time." I strongly advise anyone who has a Scrab Shooter to send it back to Vykker Labs for correction, otherwise it is dangerous (to you) and obsolete. Vykkers Labs claim this will be free of charge. MAG: Too bloody right! Vykkers Labs; 0182 723 221 (1 moolah per min). -ADVERT- THE GOLDEN GUN! EXCLUSIVE FROM THE WEAPON STOREROOM IN SLIG BARRACKS. The new, and improved, Golden Gun that gives that extra kick without kicking like an elum. More than sufficient power, spot on sights, brilliant range, and incredible stopping power. For use as a sniper rifle, with scope attachment, and semi-automatic setting. Or use as a close quarters sub machine gun, with automatic setting. 2850 moolah. CALL: 0182 732 739 (2 moolah per min). MAG: A more reliable company. -ADVERT FINISH- M.O.M – News you cannot refuse – By the Scrabtrapman ISSUE8: OUTPOST GOES OFFLINE The outpost near the drop pod has lost connection with Dripik’s slig barracks, a possible confrontation arose when the sligs went in to scout the wreckage, the large pole that was erected in the forest was interfering with local telecommunications and appears to be beaming an unidentifiable message out to one of Oddworlds undiscovered distant moons, the threat level has been risen from 10 to 7, possible threat in a localized area, is M.O.M worried, no, no not really, oh and Dripik sent us a tapper just to make sure, “I do promise that er, the big pointy thing in the trees is going to be destroyed and the er things will be er taken away, the Vykker’s asked me for a specimen so I’ll give them one so long as they give me a few er vouchers? No, I mean money, er moolah. Our sub story today is about the uprisings, today a mass execution was to be held but, after a small number of kills, an ambush was thrown, sligs returned rapid fire at the mudokon freedom fighters but the elusive terrorists hit and run tactics were superior, Dripik says “I swear, I was outnumbered”! Aslik says “Bumbling idiot”! M.O.M says, go Aslik. ----- MAD BUT TRUE ANIMALS! 1.) Hello SLIG'S WEIRD! I am a slurg farmer and had this bizarre incident happen to me. One of my slurgs had crawled out of the pen, and into the blender. I didnt notice and added some fruit, and then turned the blender on. I drank it and it was delicious! I only noticed afterwards when i saw the trail leading to the blender. So if anyone is wondering, raw slurg with fruit is top notch! MAG: Ok, I dont know what to make of this. Either its a tall tale or a socially disturbed individual's escapade. -ADVERT- Magog prison break out: reward offered Five inmates have escaped from the Magog prison last night. the escaped fugitives are still being identified, so far it has been confirmed that a Wovlark, two Outlaws, an intern, and a pants less Slig. If you have any information on the escaped convicts, please contact your local slig barracks or the Magog prison. The warden is offering 100,000 Moolah per head. They are wanted DEAD OR ALIVE. Also note that these criminals are extremely dangerous and will most likely use deadly force. These prisoners were last seen running from the prison, but guards were unable to respond. Remember if you have any information on this break out or the whereabouts of these fugitives, please contact the proper authorities. -ADVERT FINISH- Words With Kroloff YES! Its time to hear our sergeant Kroloff’s words of wisdom, expert in weapons, combat and hunting, with over 16 years experience, and currently stationed at a small slig outpost in Scrabania. But he still has time to answer your questions! Anonymous: Should I ever give up smoking? Kroloff: What are you? A wuss or something? Personally, I wont ever give up smoking those Lungbusters, they help me relax and is one of the few things that help a slig relax that is actually allowed by sligs on duty (Chill Pill, alcohol, and illicit drugs are not allowed on duty, as all you Magog law abiding sligs will know). I would go as far as to say they are more like a sligs best friend than a faithful slog, seeing as they fit in your pocket, you dont have to clean up after them and they dont bark at your boss. Dont do it! Be part of the minority! Dedicate your life to eventually becoming a statistic! ----- RUBBISH JOKES! 1.) What do you call a headless scrab? A: A scab! By: Willen 2.) What cororation is the biggest fool for believing mudokons made-up stories? A: The D.F.W. League! By: Crunch 3.) Whats the easiest creature to tongue-tie? A: A fleech! By: fith THIS ISSUES WINNER IS: Crunch with that controversial joke...as always. Well done mate, 50 moolah is yours. ----- COMMERCIAL & PERSONAL AD'S > Odderbelly, Come and hear our new musical festival! Takes place at midnight in the Red Light Factory. Free booze! TEL: 0182 659 777 MAG: Free booze? See you there! > 1 barrel of oil for sale, 25 moolah. About 50 kilos. TEL: 0182 622 122 > Batch of Chill Pill animal seditive darts for 35 moolah. Small ranch closing down so no need for them anymore. If you prick yourself with them they will have the same effect as a Chill Pill, so you can still use them like that if you want. TEL: 0182 323 355 and ask for Doil. SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine staff: Writers: Stevix Editor: Rozzle Reporters: CANNOT BE NAMED Receptionist: Coth Chief coffee maker: Roldy Magog Cartel law specialiser: Chronicler Sphenixson Slig security: Font Len Disue Vilt Hond Owner: Stevix "No news is good news. I'm afraid I cannot believe in this motto in my position." - Stevix. If you wish to have anything published (jokes, interveiws, complaints, birthday wishes, information, etc), then PM mollucks assistant and he will personally make sure it is included in the next issue of SLIG'S WEIRD! Thanks for reading! ----- credit goes to mr.odd for the 'prison breakout' ad, also to Scrabtrapman for providing the M.O.M. News article, and also to AlexFili for the 'Odderbelly' ad and the Words With Kroloff question. thank you all! remember to PM me any idea's you may have for future issues! |