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Wide A-fucking-wake

Posted 11-17-2014 at 05:40 AM by Phylum
It's not even that late. Just past midnight. But I can't sleep. I don't even want to sleep. Somehow the thought of lying down to sleep makes me feel physically ill.

I seriously don't understand this. It's only been a few days since uni finished, and I'm already back to moping around the house grasping at the few lingering straws I have of friendship. I'm slowly getting more and more desperate for people to talk to, so I think I'm starting to get overbearing for the people who actually talk to me. It seems like the harder I try the less people are interested. And that just makes me feel more panicked, and try harder. I wish I could just relax about it, but it's just getting worse and worse. I keep wanting to pester people into doing things with me, but with all but one person that just makes me feel so fucking anxious. I don't understand why I'm like this.

(e: also worth mentioning that if I don't actively try to talk to people then nobody fucking talks to me at all)

So, I'm left with my one remaining real friend in the world. The thing is, she has some pretty serious health/mental issues (undiagnosed, but has been treated for both) which make her really flaky and unreliable. In the past I've gone 2 months without hearing from her at all. She cancels plans often, and generally can't commit to things very much. But I stick with her. When we catch up every month or two (or three or four) it's really great. But it's kind of in a situation now where I sit around waiting for her to have a good day, but at the same time she balances herself out with other people. And you know what? It makes me feel so jealous to see or hear about her doing things with other people. It's something that I really don't want to feel. I really really know how bad it is. But it's like she has a whole world outside of me, while my world is completely tied in to her. Her friendship has become an emotional crutch.

I feel like everything's just a huge mess, and I keep making it worse. I feel like realising how big of a mess it is should help, but it doesn't.

I just feel incredibly dissatisfied all of the time right now. Not sad, not upset. Just lonely, worried and dissatisfied.

I'm going down to my old highschool tomorrow to put a poster up advertising myself as a flute teacher over summer. I already have 2 students from other places, so hopefully I can get 2-3 more and make phat stacks. I was actually going to walk down today but I ended up trying to wrangle some things together with people which, ended up going absolutely nowhere and just wasted most of my day while I idled social media for responses. I don't even know any more.

Is it just me or are all of my blogs written in different-yet-oddly-similar styles?
Posted in Crappy Crap, Crap
Comments 13 Email Blog Entry
Total Comments 13


OANST's Avatar
Posted 11-20-2014 at 07:58 AM by OANST

MeechMunchie's Avatar
I can punch you in the head until you pass out, if you'd like.
Posted 11-20-2014 at 11:28 AM by MeechMunchie

OANST's Avatar
He'll do it, by god.
Posted 11-20-2014 at 11:56 AM by OANST

Nepsotic's Avatar
I have these same feelings, but the best thing I've found is to just bottle it all up and pretend to be super duper happy all the time, and then people actually want to be around you mor, then when you're alone you can let it all out and have all the crying fits you want.

That's probably terrible advice, but it semi-works for me. The difference is all of my friends are online so it's easier to fake emotions.
Posted 11-20-2014 at 12:50 PM by Nepsotic

OANST's Avatar
It's hard for me to relate because I have little to no interest in social interaction. Which always made people want to interact with me for some stupid reason.
Posted 11-20-2014 at 01:20 PM by OANST

Crashpunk's Avatar
Sleep is for the weak!

But seriously. I don't get that much sleep usually. It's all by choice though. I like staying awake till stupid o-clock in the morning.
Posted 11-20-2014 at 05:14 PM by Crashpunk

Phylum's Avatar
Thanks OANST, sound advice as per usual.

I've been better since posting this blog, because something twigged about how silly I'm being. I've also been doing a few more things. I went to a pub for lunch and a pint with dad today, for the first time, and it was really nice. Everything's busying up, and I finally have a date for my uni audition :s

Also Nep, I think I said that I do the whole agreeable/happy thing in my last blog. It got me through highschool, where you get forced together with the same people over and over, but in the real world it just isn't cutting it.
Posted 11-21-2014 at 01:12 AM by Phylum
Updated 11-21-2014 at 01:15 AM by Phylum

Nepsotic's Avatar
Is she cute?
Posted 11-21-2014 at 01:33 AM by Nepsotic

OANST's Avatar
I think you may need to be on anti-depressants. I know I mentioned that before, but I've been there where just damn everything is emotionally painful, and it brings you to the point of barely being able to function. This is not a normal state, and I really think you should see someone who can prescribe meds for it.
Posted 11-21-2014 at 06:49 AM by OANST

Nate's Avatar
Posted 11-21-2014 at 10:16 AM by Nate

Phylum's Avatar
There's a cockroach under my bed and my room is too messy to feasibly move shit around to hunt for it. Ew ew ew. So much for actually feeling sleepy tonight, this kind of thing seriously freaks me the fuck out.
Posted 11-23-2014 at 05:25 AM by Phylum

Jordan's Avatar
There's a bug in your room and you haven't gotten rid of it yet!?

How do you sleep knowing this?

Oh... yeah... sorry
Posted 11-23-2014 at 05:44 AM by Jordan

MeechMunchie's Avatar
I once found a beetle living under a carpet of books. I imagine it reminded him of leaf litter.
Posted 11-23-2014 at 01:57 PM by MeechMunchie


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