Wide A-fucking-wake

It's not even that late. Just past midnight. But I can't sleep. I don't even want to sleep. Somehow the thought of lying down to sleep makes me feel physically ill.

I seriously don't understand this. It's only been a few days since uni finished, and I'm already back to moping around the house grasping at the few lingering straws I have of friendship. I'm slowly getting more and more desperate for people to talk to, so I think I'm starting to get overbearing for the people who actually talk to me. It seems like the harder I try the less people are interested. And that just makes me feel more panicked, and try harder. I wish I could just relax about it, but it's just getting worse and worse. I keep wanting to pester people into doing things with me, but with all but one person that just makes me feel so fucking anxious. I don't understand why I'm like this.

(e: also worth mentioning that if I don't actively try to talk to people then nobody fucking talks to me at all)

So, I'm left with my one remaining real friend in the world. The thing is, she has some pretty serious health/mental issues (undiagnosed, but has been treated for both) which make her really flaky and unreliable. In the past I've gone 2 months without hearing from her at all. She cancels plans often, and generally can't commit to things very much. But I stick with her. When we catch up every month or two (or three or four) it's really great. But it's kind of in a situation now where I sit around waiting for her to have a good day, but at the same time she balances herself out with other people. And you know what? It makes me feel so jealous to see or hear about her doing things with other people. It's something that I really don't want to feel. I really really know how bad it is. But it's like she has a whole world outside of me, while my world is completely tied in to her. Her friendship has become an emotional crutch.

I feel like everything's just a huge mess, and I keep making it worse. I feel like realising how big of a mess it is should help, but it doesn't.

I just feel incredibly dissatisfied all of the time right now. Not sad, not upset. Just lonely, worried and dissatisfied.

I'm going down to my old highschool tomorrow to put a poster up advertising myself as a flute teacher over summer. I already have 2 students from other places, so hopefully I can get 2-3 more and make phat stacks. I was actually going to walk down today but I ended up trying to wrangle some things together with people which, ended up going absolutely nowhere and just wasted most of my day while I idled social media for responses. I don't even know any more.

Is it just me or are all of my blogs written in different-yet-oddly-similar styles?