This blog is sad

Hrmm, this might come as a mood dampener, but I figure it's supposed to relieve some nasty feelings, and I don't want to lay this on friends IRL because they are more emotionally invested in me and might worry more.

As some English folk might know, most 16-17 year olds are sitting their AS level examinations in two weeks. The stress is mounting, of course, but as someone who doesn't get stressed much, when it does inevitably build up in me, I bottle it up until the point I literally explode with emotions because I don't know what to do - not knowing stress on a regular basis like some people.

It's happened before, actually, once where I just completely crashed out one evening. This time though it was much worse. It happened again last night, I won't explain what brought this all on, because it's so incredibly trivial it makes me feel stupid. But it all culminated in me squaring off with my Dad, we were pushing each other in an argument and he shoved me pretty hard so a slung a punch at him. Unfortunately for me I guess, I'm not very strong, so he locked me in and stopped me from hitting him very hard, but I crouched down and punched again in the chest, in return he slammed me up against the wall and injured my arm so I can't quite move it without it being painful right now. Which kind of sucks.

I charged upstairs, and I swear to you all I've never felt so angry in my entire life, so this is when I just snapped and broke down in tears to the point I couldn't breath, which is even worse, because when you're like that, all you can think about is how pathetic you sound/look and that makes it even worse, so you're getting even angrier.

That's the other thing, I'm not an angry person, so I don't know what to do when I'm angry either. I don't have a punching bag or anything, so I couldn't vent my anger on anything.

After a while I went into the bathroom to check my arm in the mirror, found this big lump, and just collapsed on the floor in the foetal position. My dad came and checked on me, apologised and all that, but it wasn't really his fault since I pushed him first, and completely ignored him when I could have prevented the whole thing from happening.

Apparently though, my attitude has been changing these past few weeks and I've been getting more lippy and sarcastic with my parents, showing no respect, which I didn't realise. I've also started to feel like I need a drink by Wednesday so I can get through to Friday, right now, I feel as if I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to be in my room...so I'm forcing myself to stay in the kitchen where I'm not so cut off from the rest of my family. But I'm confused, because I've never felt this terrible before.

I know it'll all be over in about three weeks, that's the end of exams and then I start year 13 which is marginally more tolerable in the sense that your a whole year away from your next exams. But in the mean time, I have to study like crazy to get good grades. I'm not a straight A student, I was predicted DDB at the start of the year, which I've managed to change, I think, to something more akin to C/D C/B A, but still, the uni's I want to go to, I need ABB for, or AAB preferably. I don't want people to think I'm stupid any more.

Something else as well, recently, I've really been wanting a relationship with someone, I've been feeling so alone it's awful to the point that I just focus on it for at least an hour or so a day, and it's always on the back of my mind, this niggling sense I'll be alone forever. That's not so important, It's something I've tolerated for years, but I think it might factor into my stress, I dunno.

I'm not sure what anyone is supposed to say in reply, I was gonna write something else, but I forgot what, maybe someone could give me some advice on how to destress, and how to make information stay in my head while revising, no matter how much economics I write and read and speak and practice through mock tests, it's not staying in.

Thanks for reading I guess.

E: By the way, don't worry about the part about my dad reoccurring, we went out for breakfast today and things are as normal now as they could be in the sense that while I don't feel like talking to him, I don't want to talk to anyone at all right now. I'm just looking forward to Monday, I'm seeing so friends I haven't met up with in ages, and I know that'll make me feel better if I'm not by Sunday.